


Dear Spock/Beautiful

by Misscar



Series: The Dear Spock Universe [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Humor, BAMF Uhura, Child Abuse, Comedy of Errors, Computers are evil, Crush, Dark Comedy, Denial, Dream Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Implied or Off-stage Rape/Non-con, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Health Issues, Mild Sexual Content, Misunderstandings, Nyota does some slightly unethical things for the right reasons, POV Multiple, PTSD, Parent Death, Psychic Bond, Psychic intercourse, Really she is not cheating on Spock, References to Suicide, Romantic Friendship, Storytelling through emails, Tarsus IV, Therapy, There is no expectation of privacy on a Starfleet email server
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-03
Updated: 2013-02-19
Packaged: 2017-11-28 00:41:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 32
Words: 130,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/668315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misscar/pseuds/Misscar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you can only tell a person how you really feel in a letter that they will never ever read. However, some things never work out as planned. How was Jim supposed to know that he accidentally activated the auto forward feature on his e-mail account? Stupid voice recognition software.<br/>How exactly do you move on from the death of your mother and your planet? In Spock’s case, it involves a meddling Nyota, therapy, and reading emails that he was never supposed to see in the first place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Why Can't We Be 'Friends'?

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally written from December 2010 until December 2012.  
> This is set post first film and therefore will be AU after the new film is out.  
> This is a revised version. However, I have decided not to merge Jim’s emails with Spock section, despite the few people who wanted me to change up the story. I like the unique way this story was written and that big of an alteration would change the story. I don’t want to pull a George Lucas. I’m just going to be cleaning up the grammar and fixing any inconsistencies I come across.  
> I may add more direct quote from the letters because this site probably isn’t as funny about that sort of thing as FF.net  
> Special thank you to Kumada for being my beta for this chapter.

 

Jim runs into his quarters, cursing under his breath, as usual, at his first officer. This was becoming a common occurrence during the first few weeks of his captaincy. He tries to remind himself that he can't kill his first officer, even if he really wanted to. He was the one who thought Spock would make the perfect first officer for him. He blames the old guy in the cave and the things that he wasn't supposed to see in that mine meld, for giving him that crazy idea. This was a disaster.

 

They were supposed to be the best of friends and maybe even a little more. They were supposed to understand each other better than anyone else did. They were eventually supposed to have a love so deep and multifaceted that there wasn't a word in standard that could describe their relationship.

 

Yet, all they did was argue with each other. Half the time on the bridge, Spock made him feel like a two year old because of the way he questioned all his decisions. Other times, they clicked perfectly, as if they were reading each other's minds. That is what made the situation so frustrating. He could see the possibility of the two becoming that great command team that they were in the other dimension. Unfortunately, it just wasn't happening and that frustrated the hell out of him.

 

They argue too much. Maybe, that was his fault as well. He doesn't back down. It's a skill he acquired because of Frank and years of being made to feel worthless. He is naturally defensive and slightly insecure. Maybe, it was his fault he was interpreting everything as an insult. Maybe, he was just too damaged to be Spock's friend.

 

Even though he was currently punching out a pillow, wishing it was Spock, he still wanted to be friends with the irritating as hell Vulcan. However, he wondered if Spock wanted such a thing. At least, he was making an effort to be Spock's friend. On several occasions, Jim has invited his first officer to play chess or have lunch. Spock would turn him down instantly in the most Vulcan way possible.

 

Jim can't blame the guy for preferring to spend time with his girlfriend because she was hot. Okay, maybe he was a little upset about the girlfriend thing but he can't decide if he is jealous of Spock for being with Uhura or Uhura for being with Spock. It's complicated and maybe that was contributing to his desire to yell at Spock at really inappropriate times. Not that he would confess that fact to anyone. He wasn't really that comfortable with admitting it to himself.

 

Punching out the pillow was not alleviating his Spock shape frustration and he didn't feel like taking 'private time' to get rid of the Spock induced tension. If he did that, he would have to deal with the other Spock shape elephant in the room. He wasn't ready for that.

 

He thought back to when he was 11 and his mom made him see Dr. Suarez after his suicide attempt with the vintage car and the cliff. Forcing him to see a psychologist was how his mom showed she cared about him, even though she didn't divorce Frank for another year. Dr. Alayna Suarez was a good doctor and she wasn't scared off by Jim's usual antics. She worked with Jim until her death 10 years later.

 

She would probably be proud of him for actually reaching his potential. Dr. Suarez was one of the few people who always believed in him. She was the one who got him into a special gifted school in Iowa where he didn't have to deal with being teased for being the smart kid or being constantly attacked by his stepfather. Although, Dr. Suarez would probably have been pissed off at him for being completely lost that first year after her death. Her wife was furious. Thankfully, Pike was there to get him back on the right path.

 

Jim had several issues to work through during his teenage years including the death of his father and later the death of his brother. Because he got into the Williams School for the Gifted, he didn't go with his mom when she was assigned to Tarsus IV post-divorce. His mother received a medal for actions that led to dozens of children surviving the massacre but she could not save her own son. Sam was one of the 4000 that died on the planet. Let's just say this was why Jim spent a lot of time in therapy.

 

Dr. Suarez's favorite technique was to make Jim write letters to the people who drove him crazy. The doctor argued that sometimes you could say things in a letter that you couldn't say to that individual in person. Somewhere in a storage center on earth, there are probably dozens of old fashion paper letters addressed to his mother, father, stepfather, and Sam. None of the recipients ever saw what Jim wrote, even the two that were still alive, but it made him feel better. Maybe the technique could work with Spock.

 

If he didn't try something soon, they were going to have a repeat of the bridge incident. He doesn't feel like getting choked again unless a bed and safe words were involved. Due to the girlfriend, that wasn't happening anytime soon. Not that he wanted it to, sort of.

 

He preferred to do this in hard copy but paper was very hard to come by in space and he wasn’t going to visit his ship psychologist unless he had to, she knew him too well. Instead, he pulled up the e-mail application on his PADD and started to dictate. As long as he never sends these letters to Spock, he will never see them. It was the perfect solution.

 

Unfortunately, he breathed on the microphone at the wrong time and put in a command about sending these things to Spock that he was completely unaware of. Voice recognition software is evil.

 

 

 

 


	2. You Annoy the Hell Out of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided not to use start dates to make it easier for us to read.

From: KirkJT

 

To: SpockX

 

Subject: You Annoy the Hell Out of Me

 

Time written: 6/12/2258 17:34:23

 

Time send: 6/13/2258 00:00:01

 

Dear Spock:

 

Because you are never going to read this e-mail, I can write whatever I want.  You drive me absolutely up the fucking wall 99% of the time.  We have been in space for two weeks and we have gotten in to 87 arguments.  Yes, I have been counting. 

 

Sometimes, I feel like you treat me as a child.  Then, other times, I know you see me as an equal.  I don’t understand that.  It drives me nuts.  Why are you so inconsistent?  Do you really still see me as just the upstart cadet that broke into your test?

 

Did I mention how pissed off I was when you brought my father up at the trial.  I hate when everybody compares me to my father.  I never even met the man and I’m constantly dealing with his ghost.   I’m not George Kirk nor do I want to be.  My entire childhood and most of my time at the academy everybody wanted me to be my father.  Everyone seemed to be pissed off when they discovered I was nothing like him.  How can I be like a man I never met?  I pretty much wanted to kick your ass right then and there for saying that.  In human terms, that was a cheap shot.

 

I guess we are even in a way because of what I said about your mom on the bridge.  Again, that was a cheap shot.  I have tried to apologize for my stupidity several times but you wouldn’t let me.  Apparently, apologies are illogical. (Sometimes, I think you think all human behavior is illogical.  Do you have any idea how much that makes you sound like a prick?) 

 

Since you can’t stop me from apologizing in this e-mail, I apologize for being an asshole on the bridge.  I know it was necessary but I was still being a dick about it.  I know you loved your mother.  I knew the moment I saw that brokenhearted look on your face on the transporter pad.  The last time I saw someone look that lost, was when my mom came back from Tarsus IV and had to tell me why my brother wasn’t coming back.  Sam was his name.  He died a little before I turned 14 because of the stupidity of bureaucrats and the ego of man.

 

Someday, I want to be able to tell you all about that time.  I want us to be friends as we were supposed to be. (No, I can’t tell you how I know we’re supposed to be friends.  Apparently, the world will end if I tell you that there is another version of you running around our universe.) I want you to be someone who will remember me over a century later.  I want to be the person you trust the most.

 

I think I fucked up that possibility already.  Do you even want me as a friend?  Do you still hate me?  Sometimes, I think you do.  Sometimes, the way you look at me, I think you still hate me.  Sometimes, I think you believe that the Admiralty was completely stoned when they made me captain.  Don’t worry, sometimes, I think the same thing.

 

Half the time it feels like I don’t even know what I’m doing.  I need you here.  I don’t understand the bureaucracy of Starfleet.  I’m just learning not to stick my foot in my mouth in front of diplomats.  I guess I should thank you for keeping me from looking like a fool yesterday. even though you kept giving me your ‘he is so incompetent’ look.  I hate that look of yours.  It makes me feel worthless.

 

I’m sorry about yelling at you 15 minutes ago in front of everyone.  Yes, it was unprofessional, but you just get on my nerves like no one else ever has.  Why do you keep questioning all my decisions in front of the entire bridge?  If you believe you have a better idea, why can’t you tell me in private?  Let’s face it, half the crew already thinks you’re the real captain and I’m just the poster boy for Starfleet.  I need all the help I can get when it comes to people believing I can do my job.

 

I get that you know more than me.  This isn’t the first time you have served on a starship and you’re more familiar with everything.  This is the first time I’ve served on a ship and there are just some things I don’t know.  Let’s be honest, I was thrown into the deep end and I need your help to make sure I actually do swim. 

 

Maybe, you could just tone down the Vulcan superiority complex.  I know you’re better than me.  You know you’re better than me.  Please stop reminding me. 

 

My stepfather, Frank, did that a lot when I was growing up.  He always made me feel so worthless.  Even if I came home was straight As, it wasn’t good enough.  He would always bring up the fact that I wasn’t as good as my father or Sam.  Now, I feel like everybody is comparing me to you.  It’s not a good feeling.

 

That doesn’t mean I don’t want you here.  I think I need you here.  I know you will make me a better captain.  I already know you make me a better person, even though we have known each other less than eight weeks total.

 

Why did you come back?  According to your girlfriend, you were not coming back, even though I practically begged you to take this position.  Why do you even want to serve on this ship?  Is it because of her? 

 

I honestly did not see that relationship coming.  It is not because you’re not hot.  You are absolutely gorgeous and I think your ears are as sexy as hell.  So maybe during the hearing I was 100% sure you were gay.  I wasn’t sure if you were going to kiss me or throttle me.  Because you are never going to read this, I am completely willing to admit I wouldn’t completely be opposed to you kissing me.

 

Even though due to circumstances that I can never tell you about due to world ending paradoxes, I know for a fact that such a thing has happened in an alternate dimension but probably will never happen here.  Other than the fact you absolutely hate me, you have a girlfriend.  Your girlfriend just happens to be the girl that I have been trying to get with since I arrived at the academy three years ago.  I’m not sure whether I should be jealous of you or her.  That’s part of the reason why I want to punch you half the time.  Not that I would ever tell anybody that. 

 

Since I am less likely to punch you right now, I should probably go join you to talk ship stuff.  You know it’s a lot easier to tell you this stuff in an e-mail, when I know you will never read it.

 

PS: Would it really kill you to actually eat lunch with me every once in a while?


	3. Sorry about the new bridge thing

From: KirkJT

 

To: SpockX

 

Subject: Sorry about the new bridge thing

 

Time written: 6/14/2258 18:43:54

 

Time send: 6/15/2258 00:00:01

 

Apparently, this form of release is taking the edge off and I only wanted to smack you upside your adorable Vulcan head every other minute during the last 48 hours.  That is an improvement in itself.  Also, we only got into four verbal ‘non-arguments’ and only two occurred on the bridge.  I think we are making progress with the not-hating each other thing.

 

Yesterday morning before shift, you actually told me that you did not hate me or find me completely incompetent.  (Although, did you have to use the qualifier 'completely'?)  I think you were going to say something else but then I was forced to sign off on more ‘paperwork’.  I despise paperwork. 

 

I should be happy that you don’t hate me, even if you said you do not hate me because hate is an emotion that you do not feel.  Considering I was sporting bruises around my neck for almost a week, you and I both know that is absolute bullshit.

 

I personally think I’m doing better with my Spock-related anger management.  Okay, maybe, I broke a stylus when I saw your girlfriend trying to sneak a Vulcan kiss during the middle of shift a couple of hours ago.  I was not upset that she tried to kiss you, except for the fact she did it on duty.  It was completely unprofessional. 

 

Honestly, I was not upset that she tried to kiss you because I wanted to kiss you.  Not that I want to kiss you, even though I thought about kissing you in the human style a few times.  You have soft lips. Not that I was looking, because I don’t want to kiss you.  That would be wrong because you have a girlfriend.  In addition, even though you said you don’t hate me, I don’t think you like me in that way.  It would be completely illogical for me to harbor any desire to make out with you, subconscious or otherwise.

 

I may have been happy, for reasons that I will not tell you about, because you pulled away the moment she tried to touch your hand.  I feel slightly better now that I know that you will reprimand your girlfriend in front of the entire bridge crew for a breach of decorum.  Apparently, you are not just singling me out, it’s just a part of your uptight Vulcan personality to be OCD about everything.  I accept that.

 

Maybe you behave that way because you don’t like public displays of affection at all.  You did appear to be embarrassed, in a very Vulcan way, when she kissed you on the transporter pad.  You also freaked out a little bit when she tried to hold your hand at lunch yesterday.  The key word is tried. You pulled away from her touch faster than a child touching a hot old-fashion oven.  (By Vulcan standards, isn’t hand holding making out?)

 

As much as I enjoyed seeing you reprimand your girlfriend on the bridge, it was inappropriate.  I told you on the bridge; it probably would have been more effective to counsel your girlfriend or any other crewmember that did something stupid in private, unless it’s absolutely crucial that the individual receive council immediately.  Okay, maybe I could have told you this without yelling or making references to the fact that you are probably going to be cut off tonight.

 

(The thought of you two not having sex together makes me happy in a way that I don’t want to explore.  Seriously, how the hell did you two get together?  I’m just not seeing it.  The only thing you two have in common is your vast intelligence and your ability to speak numerous languages.)

 

I may have inadvertently come off like a complete hypocrite, because I yelled at you in front of everybody about counseling crew members publicly.  Yes, I realize I’m an ass hole sometimes but so are you.  You were being a complete dick again this afternoon.

 

I realize that you are just being you and I will try in the future not to yell at you for being you.  I will also try to accept your unique differences, if you accept that I’m different too. Because you are Vulcan, I need to realize that you’re not going to see things the same way your non-Vulcan colleagues do.  Could you also remember that your non-Vulcan colleagues are not going to interpret situations the way you do?

 

 

Try to keep in mind that I will not do things exactly the same way Pike did before he became an admiral.  Stop yelling at me, in a very Vulcan way, every time I try to do something a little bit different.  I realize that you have more experience than I do.  However, just because something has been done the same way since the beginning of time, doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t do it a different way.  Let me figure out how to do things my own way. 

 

If I fall flat on my ass, please be a good first officer and help me up.  Chances are, I will fall on my ass a lot but that’s what you’re here for.  As long as you tell me ‘I told you so’ when no one else is around, it’s fine.

 

First, I like to call people by their first names.  No, I’m not doing it just so I can find out your girlfriend's first name even though I think I already know what it is because of a certain breach of decorum on the transporter pad before we went on the big ship of doom.  I know it’s technically against regulations, but I’m trying to foster a sense of togetherness.  How are you going to be willing to take a bullet for a person, if you only know him or her by his or her rank and last name?

 

(Yes, Spock I know actual bullets are usually no longer involved.  It is an expression.  Why do you always ask questions like that?  You are obviously messing with everyone’s head.  I know you know it is an expression.  You were a linguistics professor for god’s sake.  The only person on the ship that understands the nuances of language better then you is your way too hot girlfriend.)

 

Let’s be honest, I think a lot of Starfleet regulations are absolute bullshit.  I think you think that to, because you keep raising your eyebrows at some of Starfleet’s more asinine policies, even if you say you don’t.  Also, your relationship with you-know-who is technically a violation of 17 different regulations, not that I’m going to report you, even though it would lead to a quick break up.

 

(I’m not going to comment on if I really want you and Uhura to break up as quickly as possible.  If I admit that I really do want you two to break up, then I’m going to have to explain to myself at least why I want you and her to break up and I’m just not ready to have that conversation with my subconscious.  If I have that conversation with myself, I’m going to have to admit that I was checking out your very nice backside on the bridge.  I’m trying to avoid that elephant right now.  No, Spock, there are no actual elephants in my quarters.  Again, it’s an expression.)

 

My personal belief is that as long as nobody ends up dead, it’s okay to break the rules.  Actually, if it keeps somebody from ending up dead, it’s okay to break the rules.  I will do anything to keep this crew alive and we will deal with the brainless bureaucrats later.  There is an old saying on earth, “it is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission”.  I’m just going to let you know now; we’re going to be asking for forgiveness a lot.

 

You know as soon as Starfleet actually starts sending us on real missions involving exploration, I’m going to want to be on the away team.  Yes, I know it’s dangerous and I’m supposedly the most important person on the ship, but I don’t believe that.  Everyone else on the ship is important to me.  Every life is just as valuable as mine.  Maybe their lives are even more valuable.  If I’m not willing to do something, how can I ask anybody else to do it?  If anything happens to me, I know the ship will be in good hands.  I trust you.

 

I guess I should thank you for actually having lunch with me today.  I’m not sure if I should be more shocked that you said yes or that we actually made it through the entire 30 minutes without screaming at each other.  Actually, I think it was quite pleasant talking to you about your research.  I enjoyed having a conversation with you without you raising a single condescending eyebrow.  Lunch this afternoon was one of those few times where I thought that we just might become that command team that I saw in other Spock’s head.  It gave me hope that maybe we could get through this mission without killing each other.

 

Then, an hour later, I accidentally touched your hand when you handed me a PADD and you completely freaked out in a very Vulcan way.  I guess I should be happy that you didn’t reprimand me the way you did your girlfriend a little bit later.  I wasn’t trying to molest you.  Then again, because you didn’t reprimand me, you probably already knew that.

 

So, what is the probability of you and me getting through an entire shift without screaming at each other?  According to Bones, our constant public arguing is making both of us look like idiots with the crew.  Do you know that, they are taking bets on when you will finally lose your Vulcan mind again and try to push me up against the console in a not-fun death-inducing way?  I probably should mention this to you in an e-mail that you will actually read.  I’ll tell you tomorrow.

 

I guess I should cut this short so that I can review the pre-mission brief for tomorrow’s exercise in diplomatic ass kissing.  Yes, I do read pre-mission briefing material.  I’m not completely incompetent, even if you think I am half the time, in spite of what you told me yesterday. 

 

Is it just me or do you think it’s odd that, after the deaths of several thousand cadets and the destruction of an entire planet, Starfleet thinks it’s the best use of resources to have their flagship on missions that are essentially photo ops?  Even I am tired of smiling for the cameras.


	4. How was I supposed to know that alien ice cream is dangerous?

From: KirkJT

 

To: SpockX

 

Subject: How was I supposed to know that alien ice cream is dangerous?

 

Time Written: 7/1/2258 21:35:34

 

Time Send: 7/2/2258 00:00:01

 

You could probably tell me the exact probability of me getting severely injured and losing consciousness on a supposedly safe mission but please don't. Your obvious 'what the hell was he thinking' eye brow raise was enough. Really, can you toned down on the condescension. I'm a big enough masochist for the both of us; I don't need your help.

 

Seriously, did you really have to say 'I told you so' in front of half the medical staff? I know you didn't actually say 'I told you so' but, "if you could remember correctly sir, I suggested that you do not consume that particular item of subsidence before I had time to scan it," was close enough. I'm pretty sure that was stuck up Vulcan for 'I told you so'. I'm getting so good at actually understanding what you're really saying when you're go into condescending Vulcan mode.

 

Trust me; I know I deserve your 'you are a stupid captain' glare of death for ending up in sickbay due to an allergic reaction to alien sorbet. How was I supposed to know my food allergies would choose that moment to completely screw us over? Yes, I should have listen to you when you told me it would be in my best interest to avoid anything I'm not familiar with. Again, how was I supposed to know that unknown alien ice cream would cause me to literally turn purple before I went unconscious?

 

I know you read the mission briefing materials, because you're awesome like that, and therefore you know that rejecting any offer of food or drink on that particular planet is considered extremely insulting, especially during diplomatic negotiations. When I say insulting, I mean shoot now and ask questions later insulting. I didn't want us to completely screw up our first major diplomatic mission that didn't involve just smiling for the cameras for the sake of paranoia. It turns out you were not being paranoid.

 

I apologize, even though apologies are illogical. You're never going to see this so you cannot tell me that. Again, it so much easier to tell you these things when I know you are never going to see what I'm writing you.

 

Me going unconscious during the middle of the mission worked out for the best. According to your girlfriend, who filled me in on everything that happened once I've lost consciousness, our hosts felt so bad because I went unconscious they sign the treaty without further negotiations. Apparently, causing your guests to have a medical emergency is a major social wrong in their culture. They felt the need to appease us. I like appeasement.

 

So, I got to spend a little bit more time in sick bay but in the end it's all good. The Federation gets access to their precious minerals and you got to put those fabulous negotiating skills to use. Not that I could ever tell you this without causing a dimension ending paradox, but you became an ambassador eventually in the other dimension ,so you have to be a good negotiator now. I already know you are a lot better at that sort of thing than me.

 

You are more patient than I am, even if you raise your eyebrows at me too often in the most annoying way possible. I'm working on it. Granted, in the last couple of weeks things are getting better between us. Still about half the time, I feel like we're just seconds from blowing up at each other. I get angry too easily. I think it's because I spent way too much time around Frank growing up. Sorry, it's a residual defense mechanism.

 

Before he died, Sam said I was too sensitive and would take everything the wrong way. He said I was just looking for a reason to fight Frank because I hated him so much. That really didn't change after Frank was out of my life for good.

 

My little brother Kevin still says I'm always looking for an excuse to punch someone out or bite their head off. He usually said this when I would start yelling at him for reasons I cannot even remember now. If you have seen my arrest record or your girlfriend told you about how we first met you would know that was true. I realize I need to break out of the punch first and ask questions later model of behavior. I'm getting better. I haven't actually tried to punch you since the Nero thing ,even though sometimes I really want to. You really don't want to know how many times I have punched my pillow recently pretending it was you.

 

What are the chances of keeping this particularly humiliating piece of information out of the mission logs? Again, I'm sure there certain members of the Admiralty who appointed me to this position under duress are probably now wondering what drugs they were taking when they sign the papers. Me ending up in sickbay on a supposedly peaceful mission due to an allergic reaction to alien ice cream is not going to win me any fans with the Admiralty. (Yes, I know this sentence is grammatically incorrect but starting with 'I' just sounds weird. This is my letter to you Spock, and I will be as grammatically incorrect as I want to be. It's not like you're going to actually get a chance to critique my grammar. Is it just me or do you get off on doing that on the bridge?)

 

I could mention all the Admirals that hate me by name but I'm typing this letter the old fashioned way in sickbay and I just don't have the energy to type out that many names. Let's be honest, Pike is the only member of the Admiralty who believes I can actually do this job and doesn't see my appointment as a recruiting tool or as a public relations stunt. Even I think my appointment is a PR stunt.

 

I feel they are all watching me under some microscope, waiting for me to completely fuck up. I know you probably think I'm paranoid but I'm sure that is what is truly happening. I'm so worried about idiots that be checking up on me that I reconfigured my e-mail account to automatically delete certain messages from the server. For example at midnight, this letter will automatically disappear from my inbox and the server. Like I really want certain members of the Admiralty finding out that I doubt my ability to do this job or worse you finding this message. You will strangle me in a not fun way before even have time to explain.

 

You look at my PADD all the time on shift. It would be highly probable for you to accidentally come across the message is otherwise. Again, I'm just being paranoid. Sometimes that can be a good thing.

 

As my best friend was cussing me out in a very overprotective best friend/doctor way for consuming freaky alien food on away mission he mentioned that you drove him absolutely crazy calling to check up on me every 15 minutes, until I regained consciousness. Is this true? Why did you do that? Were you actually worried about me? Even though you would probably say being worried is completely illogical, I hope you were.

 

If things were the other way around and you were in sickbay, I would be worried about you. If you were gone, who would I fight with on the bridge? I think I would miss you too much. I need you.


	5. Did you just cover my ass with the Admiralty?

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

 

Subject: Did you just cover my ass with the Admiralty?

Time written: 7/16/2258 22:15:54

Time send: 7/17/2258 00:00:01

It took me exactly two days to figure out that you usually go behind my back and edit the reports I send to Starfleet before transmission. Really, you didn't think I would figure it out? Your electronic fingerprints are all over my files.  It's true that you are good, but so am I. I am the one that hacked your test. You could have just asked.

Also, you may want to find a new adjective other than fascinating.  Try using the word logical just a little less.  There is this wonderful feature on Word 2257 that automatically generates synonyms for a given word from 127 different languages or dialects.  The uses of your two favorite words gave you a way quickly.  The electronic breadcrumb trail just proved it. You should cover your tracks better, especially considering your skill set.

I would ask you why you did this, but I am afraid to know the answer.  I am personally hoping it is because you are extremely OCD and need everything to be Vulcan perfect.  It is part of your personality and I am starting not to take that personally. I think you get off on checking my grammar. I think I told you that once before in these letters.  Actually, I think you get off on doing paperwork in general.  That is fine with me.  I despise paperwork.  (Is there any way we can adjust your position so you can do all the paperwork?  I will be eternally grateful. Maybe, I should actually ask you tomorrow.)

 

The other reason why I think your double-checking all my work is you don’t trust me and you think I’m an incompetent fool even if you say otherwise.  I know over the last few weeks you have stopped questioning everything I say on the bridge and I thank you for thateven if you think gratitude is illogical. Yet, you are still doing little things that make me believe you do not trust me.  Seriously, you do not need to ask me three times during our lunch together if I read over the latest reports from your department.

 

You don’t need to read over all my reports to Starfleet or anyone else.  I promise, no matter how much I want to, I will never tell Starfleet to go fuck themselves in an official report.  (Okay, I may write a version of a report containing those sentiments but I am not stupid enough to actually send it to Starfleet.)  Spock, you could just tell me not to make certain offhanded remarks about the behavior or wardrobe of the various dignitaries that we are dealing with instead of deleting those passages in the reports without telling me.  I get now that I’m not supposed to mention that a certain king that was all blotchy and purple was just a little too close to his assistant or that I accidentally saw them kissing. 

How am I going to learn how to do my job if you do everything for me?  I learn best by doing.  If I am doing something wrong, teach me how to do it the right way. Even though most of the ship believes otherwise sometimes, I am not an idiot.  I did get through the command track in three years.  I even had a 4.0 GPA.  The only individual who has ever got through the academy faster with a double major, was you.  That makes you qualified to teach me how to be a good captain.

I will probably have to repeat this question tomorrow without giving way to anger, but did you purposely delete any mentions of what really happened on what I am referring to as the ‘ice cream diplomacy Incident’?  Normally, I usually reread your revisions to my reports right before they are sent to Starfleet, but I did not have time due to some engineering crisis that was not really a crisis and a million other captain things that I had to do.  I did not even know about it until Pike flagged the report for me. 

Because the man is like a father to me, he already knew about me turning purple due to freaky alien ice cream.  I actually send him the e-mails I write him.  I considered sending him some of the e-mails I write to you but they are too personal. (That is why any of the letters I choose to keep are saved on a non- Starfleet server somewhere under heavy encryption that I will never tell you about.)

In addition, he may point out that I am a little bit too obsessed with being your friend, if I really just want to be your friend.  I do not need my pseudo father telling me that I have a crush on my very unavailable first officer.  Even if I do have a crush on you, Uhura will tear off my balls if I tried to make a move on you.  You may do the same thing.  However, I do not have a crush on you.

 

At first, when Pike told me that all references to what really happened were deleted from the report, I thought it was an accident.  I originally thought that maybe, when you were proofreading, you breathed at the wrong moment and the computer deleted all evidence of my stupidity. 

 

If you were actually reading this, you would be raising your eyebrows right now.  My theory is not that illogical.  Do you have any idea how sensitive the voice recognition software program is on these computers?  One time at the academy, I accidentally completely deleted one of my term papers because I sort of accidentally activated the program when I was ‘entertaining’ a particular hot guy that I met at a club in my room. (Do not worry, you are so much hotter than he is and I don’t mean that literally.  Also, we didn’t go all the way.  Not that I’m really paying attention to how hot you are, but I already told you in these letters but I think you’re drop dead gorgeous.  You are the hottest person on the ship with your sexy eyebrow raises.)

I don’t want to know how the computer interpreted whatever we were saying as ‘delete my project completely from the server’.  I spent hours rewriting the paper from memory and an earlier version after unsuccessfully trying to recover the paper. It was my own fault for tinkering with the settings so that backup copies were not automatically made of my files. I was trying to prevent certain people from finding out about a certain project I was working on related to a certain unwinnable test.  Thank god, I have a photographic memory; otherwise, I would have been completely fucked.

 

Although, I honestly believe that dictation programs are out to get me, I don’t think that this is a case of technology with a vendetta.  I realized this when I read your version of events and also saw no mention whatsoever of what really happened except for the fact I left early because I started to feel unwell after eating one of the native dishes.  I was always told Vulcans do not lie. I realize now that that was a half-truth.

 

So why did you essentially lie to Starfleet on my behalf?  That sounds like something I would do.  Actually, that is something I did do for you.  Did you ever wonder why nobody asked you about what happened on the bridge when you tried to kill me for saying bad things about your mom?  I may have left certain facts out of my report and deleted certain things out of your report.  If you are wondering how I got access to your report, remember I am the guy who broke into the Kobayashi Maru without being caught.  I have mad skills like that.  Also, because of those mad skills, certain pieces of surveillance footage just happened to disappear from Enterprise’s archives.

I would write more about that but you are currently at my door.  Miraculously enough, you actually said yes to playing chess tonight. Hey maybe, just maybe, you are starting to actually like me. You are being less of a dick lately. Stranger things have happened.


	6. Sorry for being an asshole

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Subject: Sorry for being an asshole

Time written: 8/1/2258 23:35:34

 

Time send: 8/2/2258 00:00:01

 

Tonight's chess game did not go exactly as planned and the first two went so well. Maybe, that was because we stuck to casual conversations about the ship and Starfleet keeping us on these boring/useless missions. I actually had to beat up a couple of pillows before I was calm enough to write you this letter, otherwise the opening subject would have been 'fuck you, Spock'.

 

I am sorry I got mad and defensive when you started asking questions about my family. It is my natural reaction to act like a dick when anyone asks me questions about my totally screwed up family life. If my old therapist was alive, she would tell you that I did the exact same thing to her. Do not take it personally when I am being a prick.

 

I did not even know you knew I had an adopted brother. I never mentioned it before and I doubt it would be in whatever file you read to prepare for our verbal sparring match at the Kobayashi Maru trial. The only person on the ship I've talked about Kevin or anything family related to is Bones and it usually takes a couple of bottles of good alcohol to get me to open up.

 

My childhood was beyond dysfunctional. There was a reason why I was forced to see a therapist as a child. My issues have little to do with a father who died on the day I was born. The biggest problem was it was easier for my mom to function as a soldier than a mother, until I was 14 and she already buried one child. By that Point, I was too angry to play happy family with the replacement child until I arrived at the academy.

 

My mom, Winona, was always closer to Sam then me. No matter how many times my childhood therapist Dr. Suarez told me otherwise, I always thought she loved Sam more because he did not remind her of the day she lost her one true love.

 

I think that closeness was the reason why Sam went with her to Tarsus post-divorce, instead of heading off to college as originally planned. He did not want mom to be alone on some strange planet when I was off getting a great private school education. Maybe, if Sam made a different decision he would still be alive. Maybe, if I went with her instead, things would be different. Do you ever play the 'what if' game Spock? I think I play the game too much.

 

Despite our differences, I loved Sam. We fought all the time but sometimes I think he was the only person who understood me and saw pass the façade I put up for everyone else. I think we were so close because we had to deal with the wrath of Frank together. Sam always had my back even if he was mad at me, kind of like you. He was a great big brother. I wish you had the chance to meet him. Spock, you know that you are only a year younger than he would have been, if he had not died on Tarsus at 17.

 

Even though I was not there on Tarsus IV during the famine and slaughter, the events that took place on that planet during the spring and summer of 2246 probably affected my life more than any other event besides my father's death. Not only did I lose my brother, I think I loss another part of my mom too.

 

She was not the same after that. She came back broken and scarred even though the physical evidence of the ordeal was gone by the time I saw my mother again. It seemed like she was trying to keep herself from thinking about what happened by keeping as busy as possible with me and the replacement child. Dr. Suarez told me that losing a child takes a lot out of a person and that was why she was acting so strange. I think it was more than that.

 

Something happened to my mom on that planet that she won't talk about even 12 years later. I may have been just shy of 14 at the time but I know something else happened besides a famine and a war breaking out among the colonists. After seeing how sugar coated the coverage of what Nero did to Earth and Vulcan, I know most of the things I know about what happened to my mom and Kevin were sanitized for public consumption. During the summers when I lived at home, I would wake up every night to the sound of Kevin screaming about dead bodies and execution chambers. I have the security clearance now to access most of the files regarding what happen on Tarsus but I am just not sure if I am ready to know.

 

Once you know something like that, you cannot forget it. For example, I cannot forget what I saw accidentally in other Spock's mind. Occasionally, I see images of an older version of you and me making out in my head. I know that will never happen in this dimension because you have a girlfriend, even if you and she are not that close any more. I am still trying to figure out if that is a good or bad thing.

 

The only good thing about Tarsus is it brought me, my little brother, Kevin. He just turned 18 and he will be starting at the academy in two weeks much to my mom's dismay. At least, she managed to keep him from becoming like our navigator and starting his training at 13. Winona didn't want any of her children to follow in hers Starfleet footsteps. She was angry as hell when I joined Starfleet and according to Kevin she completely freaked out when she found out that I was on one of the ships responding to what happened on Vulcan. She was so pissed off she didn't come to my commendation ceremony. I think she blames me becoming a captain at 25 for Kevin's decision to join Starfleet, instead of accepting one of his many other college scholarships.

 

I don't know the entire story about why my mom decided to not only adopt Kevin but retire from Starfleet after whatever the hell happened on that planet. All I know is Kevin was the only member of his family to survive the massacre. I think mom served with his parents on another Starfleet assignment before. He had no other family and my mom did not want to leave him to live in a group home or Foster Care.

 

During the early years, I was jealous of my brand new baby brother because he actually had a mom who cared about him instead of a stepfather who beat the hell out of him. I stayed at my posh boarding school as much as I could to avoid the happy family farce. Post Tarsus, my mother took a private consulting job that she could do from our old Iowa farmhouse without being in space 95% of the time.

 

I do not know how many times growing up I wanted Winona to actually come home for good but she never did it for me or Sam. Instead, she finally does it for someone else. I was beyond angry because she was actually able to do that for a child that was not even biologically hers. I never understood that. Maybe after Sam died Winona realized how important being a mom really was.

 

I do not know and I'm too afraid to ask in person, just like I am too afraid to tell you that you annoy the hell out of me in person. I am afraid to know the answer. Maybe she just didn't love me enough. I think I asked her this particular question half a dozen times in various letters locked in a safe deposit box stashed somewhere inside a Starfleet storage facility somewhere on earth or some other planet.

 

I have never been brave enough to ask her to her face why she was able to be Kevin's mom but not mine. Then again, I do not have the courage to tell you the things I write in these letters to your face. I guess nothing has really changed. I rather deal with bloodthirsty Klingons or Nero again than my feelings. God, I have issues.

 

Since I already ranted about my daddy issues a little in the very first letter, let's just skip talking about George. Unless, I have a very long conversation with other you about how other me turned out in the other dimension with a dad, I'm never going to understand what his death really did to me. I still became a captain and I found you, so what does it change in the grand scheme of things?

 

My stepfather did a lot more damage than the ghost of my father ever did. I hate Frank. I think hate is probably too soft of a word to describe how I feel about the person who made my childhood hell on Earth. Not only did he make me suicidal, he also put me in the hospital on more than one occasion. I think I despise Frank more than Nero, if such a thing is possible.

 

Frank made me absolutely miserable for my entire childhood. I never felt more unloved or worthless in my entire life. He made me feel like I was nothing and I could become nothing. He made me feel like I could do nothing right, no matter how hard I tried. Every time I tried to do better, I couldn't, because I kept hearing his voice in my head. It was like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Frank is probably at the root of many of my insecurities even if I act like the cockiest bastard on the ship. If you have not figured it out yet, that is mostly bravado.

 

I tried to kill myself when I was 11 to get away from him. I was convinced death was the only way to escape being his punching bag. It was the final solution. I was so tired of everybody in school making fun of me because my dad died before I was even born. My mom didn't seem to notice how bad things were because she was never around. I just couldn't take it anymore.

 

One summer day when I was 11, I stole the keys to my biological father's vintage convertible and tried to drive the car into a ravine to keep Frank from selling it to the highest bidder. I changed my mind at the last minute and jumped out. That was the last time I believed in absolutes and no wins scenarios.

 

After that, Winona sent me to Dr. Suarez to deal with my 'issues'. I think I got a few more beatings just because Frank had to drive me to therapy three times a week. Dr. Suarez was the one who figured out what Frank was doing and had him arrested. It was kind of hard to ignore what was going on when I showed up to sessions covered in bruises. The woman would only believe the 'I fell off my bike' excuse so many times. It would be almost a year to the day after the suicide thing that my mom leaves Frank after she finds out about the beatings from my therapist.

 

The passages above are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my screwed up family issues. Someday, I want to tell you all of this in person. I want us to have the type of relationship that other me had in the other dimension with his Spock, where they could tell each other everything. Right now, I am not sure I can trust you. As cliché as it sounds, it is not you, it is me. I want to trust you but I have been screwed over so many times that I am not sure I can trust anybody completely except for maybe Bones and Kevin. I want to trust you. That has to count for something.

 

Tomorrow, after I beat up my pillow some more, I will apologize for snapping at you. I may even schedule a makeup chess game if you agree to it. Part of me does not think you will because you barely agreed to a third game in the first place. Although, maybe you said yes because you and your girlfriend are not exactly as friendly as you two use to be. Is everything okay? Never mind, I will actually ask you that question tomorrow. If I smile when you tell me that you two are falling apart, ignore it.

I may even be willing to tell you all about my superstar brother, who will be following in my footsteps at the academy. Kevin, I can talk about, everyone else in my family, not so much. Give me time.

When you are able to talk to me about your mother without suddenly changing the subject, then we can have a real conversation about my family issues. Until then, let's stick to safe subjects to avoid conflict. Now that we are not arguing all the time I think we may get their eventually.


	7. I think we can do this friend thing

From: KirkJT

 

To: SpockX

 

Subject: I think we can do this friend thing

 

Time written: 8/3/2258 22:59:24

 

Time send: 8/4/2258 00:00:01

 

Tonight’s chess game went a lot better than the game the other day.  There was no yelling or throwing of chess pieces.  I also did not have to beat the hell out of my pillow once you left my quarters.  I may actually still be smiling as I write this.  Sometimes, you actually make me happy.  You have this tendency to make me act like a schoolgirl with a crush, not that I actually have a crush on you.  I just think about having sex with you occasionally.  That is perfectly normal for a healthy 25-year-old human male.  You are hot.

 

Thank you for completely avoiding any talk of my mom, stepfather, or Sam without me actually needing to tell you to avoid those subjects.  You are getting good at knowing exactly what I need from you without me telling you.  It is as if you are reading my mind.

 

Don’t you actually have that ability, sort of?  You are a touch telepath.  Have you been taking little peaks at my mind every time our hands accidentally make contact?  Even I think our fingers brushed against each other a little too often during tonight’s game. 

 

I understand accidents do happen.  Just in case, I promise to think happy thoughts, like Starfleet giving us something to do besides diplomatic ass kissing missions or the occasional supply run.  If I did not have you to argue with on the bridge occasionally, in a playful way, I think I would fall asleep from sheer boredom.  Why won’t the bureaucrats in charge give us something interesting to do?

 

I felt so comfortable with you tonight that I actually brought out my digital photo album to show off my brilliant baby brother.  At least, that is what I was trying to do.  I had no ideal my supposed best friend tampered with my photo collection. 

 

Could you please forget about all the shots of me doing very stupid things under the influence of various 'substances' including making out with random girls and boys that I don’t actually remember the names of? Bones somehow managed to put those images in there without my knowledge.  I do not need you to think that I am a drunken fool or a slut.  I think you are just getting to the point where you believe I can actually be a good captain even if Starfleet is keeping us on a short leash. 

 

First, every single one of those pictures was at least a year old.  I didn’t exactly have time for drunken revelry when I was trying to figure out how to beat your test or deal with my suicide schedule course load my final year.  I haven’t had more than a couple of shots after the last extremely uncomfortable conversation with a certain admiral who is a complete asshole. 

 

Also, most of those particular images were from my 24th birthday party.  I tend to get completely smashed and do very stupid things on my birthday, even if I don’t celebrate it on my actual birthday.  You may just want to hide all the alcohol on the ship when I turned 26.  If I do anything extremely stupid on January 3, 2259 please ignore it and help me cover it up from the Admiralty.

 

Contrary to popular belief and whatever your girlfriend says about me, I will not fuck anything in a skirt. (Apparently, she is convinced that I only talked to her that very first time just to sleep with her.)  First, I am pansexual; therefore, a skirt would not necessarily be required.  I am attracted to the individual not that individual's gender. 

 

Second, my reputation is greatly exaggerated.  I have not slept my way through the intergalactic rainbow.  I have never been involved in an orgy with an ambassador, a priestess, and several unnamed diplomats from various Federation planets.  I do not have sex with farm animals.  I blame your girlfriend for that particular rumor.  Nothing happen on that last mission when Prime Minister Mecome gave me a private tour, even if he was a little grabby. (Thank you for reminding me not to include that in my report.  It is a lot easier to deal with the paperwork and necessary reports now that we are working on these together.)

 

In addition, any rumor about me having sex with various female members of the crew in the captain's chair is a complete lie.  Do you have any idea how much trouble I would get into for sleeping around with a subordinate?    You probably do since you have kept your relationship with you know who a closely guarded secret.  It’s like you guys are not really dating but just really good friends that kiss sometimes. Actually, it was only the one time. Also, you and Uhura hardly even eat lunch together anymore.  Maybe, that is because you have been spending your lunch time with me lately.  I am sure that’s only because I’m awesome like that.  I think you are starting to like me as a friend in a Butch and Sundance sort of way and not in a boyfriend sort of way. 

 

(Although, do you know that you are the only person I can date on the ship without severe consequence, as long as we get Starfleet's okay first? You have to love Pike and his wonderful wife Number One for forcing that policy change.)

 

Not every sexual encounter I have had has been a one-night stand.  I have had a few relationships that have lasted longer than breakfast the next morning although not many.  I have trust issues.  In the five years I have been sexually active, I have slept with nine individuals, and only three were females and not all were human.  It would have been 10 but your girlfriend walked in on me before anything happened with Gaila. 

 

I don’t think anything was going to happen anyway because I kind of freaked out when Gaila said the L word.  You should never respond with ‘that so weird,’ when someone says that she or he loves you.  After a childhood as screwed up as mine, it’s hard for me to believe anyone can really love me.

 

My trust issues have pretty much screwed up my sex life.  I usually don’t trust anybody enough to go beyond kissing and heavy petting, not that heavy petting can't be very pleasurable.  I have not even met a guy yet that I trust enough to bottom for.  I think I would make an exception for you, if you were willing and available. 

 

However, you are in a relationship with someone that I respect and I don’t break up other people’s relationships.  As long as you are with my favorite communications officer, I’m going to keep my inappropriate thoughts to myself and concentrate on being your friend.  I am also concentrating on not screaming at you in front of the crew.  I’m getting better.  Most of the arguments are mental exercises now.

 

Even though it couldn’t be farther from the truth, everybody thinks I am the biggest slut on the ship, even if I have not had sex since long before this mission began.  Just because I enjoy flirting with an individual doesn’t mean I want to screw her or him.  I still flirt with your girlfriend just because it pisses her off, even though I don’t really want to sleep with her.  (Unless, you’re willing to do a threesome because I think I want to sleep with you.) It is a mental exercise.  I actually like her as a friend and do not want to piss her off by lusting after her boyfriend.  You obviously know it is just a game because you never seem that upset.

 

I wish you had let me explain what you saw in my digital album instead of changing the subject to whatever experiments your department is working on at the moment.  Not that I’m not interested in what your department does.  I think science is sexy and I think it’s adorable when you go into lecture mode.  I just don’t want you to see me the same way everybody else does.  I want you to like me and just maybe respect me.

 

I also want our chess games and lunches to become more than just extensions of our work hours or the two of us trying to get along for the sake of the ship.  I want us to be more than colleagues, even if it means we are just going to be friends.  I would rather just be your friend than nothing at all.

 

I think we are starting to get there.  You actually told me about playing chess with your mother whenever you were sick as a child.  You even talked about her horrible attempts at making that weird Vulcan vegetable soup that you really don’t like.  I’m guessing your mom’s cooking skills were as bad as my mom’s.

 

This is what I want.  I want us to be able to share silly little stories with each other about the craziest things.  I want you to be able to tell me about the illogical things your mom did for you and I will tell you about the things Sam did to cheer me up when we were kids.  Do you think we can get to that point in our relationship?  I hope so.


	8. You don't seem that happy about the new mission.

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Subject: You don't seem that happy about the new mission.

Time written: 8/28/2258 19:35:34

Time send: 8/29/2258 00:00:01

Okay, I'm half convinced that you are reading these letters or my mind. Considering my mad Computer skills, I'm going to go with accidental mind reading which is perfectly OK, as long as it's an accident or if you secretly have a crush on me because I'm just that sexy.

 

(I hope you don't see any of my more inappropriate thoughts involving you completely naked and being bent over various pieces of furniture, as I do all sorts of wicked things to you to get you to scream my name. That would just make things awkward again and things have just got to the point where people are no longer betting on when you are going to kill me. Now, there is a pool about when we are going to sleep together. That is just ridiculous because you're happily (?) in a relationship with someone else. At least, I think you're happy. Sometimes, I can't tell because of the lack of smiling and personal interaction with Uhura.)

 

You have to be reading my mind because you actually asked me yesterday who were Butch and Sundance. How could you ask me something that obscure unless you have been taking a little peak now and then at my brilliant mind?

 

This resulted in me breaking out my 20th century film collection. It was fun having a movie night with you last night. It was different than are now regular chess games. It was entertaining to hear your interesting commentary on earth cinema. We are going to have to do science fiction films next time just so I can hear you make snide comments about scientific inaccuracies. Do you realize how funny you are being when you say stuff like that? Although, it may be awhile before you and I will have time to just hang out because Starfleet is finally letting go of the leash.

 

Sorry, I fell asleep on you during the second movie. It was a side effect of being woken up one too many times due to a ship emergency that was not really an emergency. Also, do you have any idea what a great pillow you make? You are all comfy and warm. I have a feeling that was probably way too much physical contact for you because I think I may have groped your hand in my sleep or maybe I dreamt about that. You are starting to show up in a lot of my dreams, usually naked.

 

I'm perfectly willing to now acknowledge the fact that I have a teeny tiny crush on you. It's not like I'm falling in love with you. I'm not going to fall in love with someone who is in a relationship with someone else. Actually, I'm not going to fall in love with anyone. That way lies heartbreak and possible alcohol poisoning.

 

(At some point, when I am more willing to talk to you about my completely fucked up childhood, I will tell you exactly how my mom celebrated my birthday every year with her friends Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, and José Cuervo before the rehab started to actually work. Instead of a birthday party, I got one hung over mother to deal with, until I got old enough to join her in the festivities.)

 

Although, if I touched you inappropriately while sleeping, why didn't you push me off before the second film ended and you went back to your quarters? I'm asking you now because I'm too afraid to actually ask you that question. It seems weird for you to allow me to use you as my Vulcan teddy bear. If it was that one member of Bones's staff that has a crush on you using you as a pillow like that, you would have went super Vulcan on her and lectured her on the proper way to touch a Vulcan right after you push her off as dramatically as possible. Why didn't that happened last night?

 

Come to think of it, why hasn't your girlfriend told her friend Christine to back off? Isn't there some rule in the 'girl handbook' about not lusting after your friend's boyfriend? (Please do not point out the fact that I'm lusting after you, even though Uhura is my friend. Yes, I know I'm being a hypocrite or possibly an asshole.) She is not even that upset you and I are spending so much off duty time together. Actually, I think she encouraged last night's movie night. If you were my boyfriend, I'm not sure I would be happy with you spending so much time with anyone else. It just seems weird that she wants us to spend so much time together.

 

It's not like I can actually ask you about what is going on with you and the girlfriend. Every time I talk to you about anything involving your girlfriend that is not work related you instantly change the subject. Is there trouble in paradise? I know everybody on the ship thinks you and she are the perfect couple but I don't see it. You and me spend more time together now that we're not trying to kill each other, than you and Uhura do. Even though a part of me secretly hopes that you two will break up, I don't like the thought of you being sad and brokenhearted because of the breakup.

 

(I know you will argue up and down that it is impossible for you to be sad, because sadness is an emotion but we both know that's a lie. I was in the head of the other you and I know he feels things deeper than any human ever could. That means you feel things in a very profound way. You've been sad a lot since the beginning of the mission even if you try to hide it. I know you miss your mom. Dealing with the death of a parent can be difficult and it takes time to get over that loss. I just don't want to see you add the pain of a broken heart to that mix.)

 

If you really are reading my mind, I think that's so unfair because I really wish I knew what was going on in that adorable Vulcan head of yours. Even though were getting along better now you still confuse the hell out of me. You're the definition of hot and cold. You're still unbelievably inconsistent but at least you are not yelling at me all the time in your very Spock way. Even though you and I are starting to be friends, you are still keeping me at arm's length. (No, I don't mean that literally. You were very physically close to me last night.) Yes, I know I'm doing the same to you but at least I'm trying to make an effort to let you in sometimes. Hey, I know I have trust issues. What is your excuse?

 

In addition to staying closed lip about whatever the hell is going on with you and the girlfriend, you also would not tell me why you went completely rigid the moment you found out we would be assisting with the colonization efforts on the planet now referred to as New Vulcan for the next six weeks.

 

Seriously, I don't get that reaction. I mean you almost left Starfleet just so you could be part of the rebuilding effort and now you are not happy about getting a chance to help your people in an official capacity without having to resign your post. The only downside I see to the arrangement is we are going to be used as a glorified cargo ship for part of the mission and this will probably turn into another PR exercise in ass kissing. At least, we will get to do some good this time in the process of being Starfleet's poster children.

 

This is going to be cool. We're going to help explore the planet and prepare it for settlement.

 

Yet, I think I saw a Spock version of a frown. Why don't you want to spend quality time on the colony? If you and I have really moved on from being reluctant colleagues, who yell at each other all the time, to almost friends, shouldn't you tell me about this sort of thing? I want to be there for you, but you won't let me. I find that highly annoying and irritating as hell. Why won't you let me in?


	9. Are all Vulcans annoying as hell

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Subject: Are all Vulcans annoying as hell

Time written: 9/13/2258 2:05:18

Time send: 9/14/2258 00:00:01

I am so pissed off at Spock right now. Not you, other Spock. Actually, I’m a little irritated at you too but for completely different reasons that I will rant about later in this venting session. 

World ending paradoxes my ass. “I did not lie to you, I just implied.” “I did not want to influence you unduly.” Do you realize you will become one sneaky geriatric? You will also maintain the ability to irritate the hell out of me without even trying. That must be a special genetic Spock trait, because only you and your counterpart can do it with such ease. 

Imagine my surprise yesterday morning when I saw you, your father, and other you ‘chatting’ privately. Sorry, I walked in on your private family chat. Okay, because you are never going to read this I might as well be honest and tell you that I listened in on that particular conversation for a good 15 minutes before you realized I was there. Sorry for eavesdropping.

I wouldn’t say the conversation was amicable because even though you are 28 years old, your father treated you like a preschooler. I enjoyed watching a Vulcan version of a fight with the other you trying to play peacemaker. It was entertaining.

I’m not even sure what you three were arguing about because my Vulcan is a little shaky and I could only understand every other word and I have no idea what the word Pon Farr means. Nothing came up when I looked it up. (I didn’t want to use the universal translator to eavesdrop on your private conversation. That would be cheating. Unlike a certain Vulcan, who I am positive is reading my mind; I wouldn’t do such a thing.) 

I’m pretty sure I misunderstood the conversation completely because I don’t think your dad would suggest you marrying a nice Vulcan girl ( or guy) and have 75% genetically engineered Vulcan babies when you’re in a relationship with someone else. I don’t think your father being the diplomat that he is, would be so crass.

I didn’t mean to start coughing profusely when I thought I heard your father say that he would be okay if you decided to marry a male Vulcan. It was a combination of shock and wishful thinking on my part. I may not be Vulcan but I am a man. If your dad is aware that you like guys, that means that you also play for my team.

Don’t feel bad, my mom also still treats me like a little kid. I’m trying to figure out whose worse with the condescending attitude, my mom or your dad. It probably would be worse if she didn’t have her baby boy to fuss with. The best thing about my mom adopting Kevin was I went from being the baby to being the oldest child. It’s like nothing we can do can ever make our parents really happy. I guess other Spock understood and was there to keep things from going really bad.

I’m very upset that you or rather other you lied to me about the world ending paradox thing. I do not even understand his reasoning completely. He said he wanted us to cultivate that life changing friendship on our own. By not coming with me to Enterprise and me having to come up with a way to take command on my own, I almost completely fucked up any chance of becoming your friend. Saying nasty things about someone’s mother is not the way to begin a “friendship that will define you both”. I’m just glad you snapped out of it before you actually killed me.

I’m really irritated that the other you didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth but I’m starting to think that’s a genetic thing. I was purposely trying to keep other Spock’s existence from you and I find out from him that not only did you know about other Spock, but he was the one that convinced you not to leave Starfleet. Did you really come back for me and this “friendship that will define us both”? 

(The thing that confuses the hell out of me is other Spock keeps referring to his relationship with other me as a deep ‘friendship’. If you have a on and off again sexual relationship with a person for more than a decade, it’s not friendship. I do not know if he is trying not to influence us or he is still in denial.)

I have no way of knowing if you really returned to Enterprise for me, because you don’t tell me anything. This is why I am mad at you, sort of. You could have told me this, but you didn’t. I had no idea how much I didn’t know about you until we got to the colony. You could have told me that you didn’t want to come to the colony because your relationship with your father is just starting to get to the point where the two of you are on speaking terms and most of your contemporaries treat you like a pariah because you are half human. I don’t want to return to Iowa for similar reasons. Although in my case, my peers had completely different reasons to treat me like a social leper.

If you really did return to Enterprise for our life defining ‘friendship’ than that explains why you and the girlfriend aren't exactly the happy couple that everyone else thinks you two are. (Except for Bones, who doesn’t even think you two are dating anymore.) I would’ve been mad as hell if my boyfriend had no trouble whatsoever leaving me behind but came back for someone else, even if the relationship was completely platonic. She has been nicer about it than I would have been. I would have broken up with you the moment you got back to the ship, especially if we have been together for... 

Actually, I don’t know how long you and Uhura have been dating. You never told me. You always get really defensive than changed the subject whenever I ask any girlfriend related questions. If we are going to have any type of relationship other than being amicable colleagues, you are going to have to actually talk to me about this sort of thing. Why can’t you trust me yet?


	10. I really thought we were passed the arguing thing/I'm not sure if I love you

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Subject: I really thought we were passed the arguing thing.

Time written: 9/29/2258 19:35:34

Time send: 9/30/2258 00:00:01

 

I thought after the last blowout involving me overreacting when you asked me questions about my family would be the end of our stupid arguments.  I hoped we finally turned a corner in our extremely complicated relationship.  Considering today’s altercation where I almost punch you, I don’t think we are there yet.

 

For the first time, I actually told you that I was upset about you keeping things from me.  Today, when I asked you questions about the girlfriend and that asshole Vulcan Stonn, that keeps saying things that makes me want to kick his ass, you changed the subject or utilized some other avoidance strategy.  That must be your favorite conflict management mechanism. This time I wouldn't let you get away with it. I kept harping on you until you actually answered my question.  This led to shouting and finely me bawling up my fist just seconds from almost hitting you. 

 

 

I stopped myself before I actually did hit you and then I ran away from you so fast that I may or may not have ran someone over.  I spent the rest of the day building things until I was actually calm enough for some e-mail therapy.  Building things is my other stress relief thing and there are many things to build here.

 

I can’t believe I almost hit you.  I don’t want to be Frank. That was my biggest fear growing up. I don’t want to be that type of person that says that they love someone and shows that loved by leaving the not fun type of bruises all over there body.  Not that I love you, because I don't. I'm sorry about what happened today.

 

\---- 

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Subject: I'm not sure if I love you

Time written: 9/29/2258 20:12:41

Time send: 9/30/2258 00:00:01

I need to stop lying to myself.  If I’m only writing these letters for myself then I need to be honest. If you can't be honest with yourself, than who can you be honest with?

I don’t know how I feel about you.  You still confuse the hell out of me.  Actually, I find you more confusing now than when we were ‘not arguing’ all the time before things became amicable.  I know I’m sexually attracted to you.  You are beautiful.  How could I not find you sexually attractive? 

However, I’m also attracted to more than just your aesthetic beauty.  I’m attracted to you.  I enjoy spending time with you.  I’m annoyed that you’re only letting me in so far because I want to know everything about you.  I want to see the real you.

 

I know that I care about you.  I hate that you are away from me so much right now because of this assignment.  I miss being on the bridge with you.  I miss our chess games.  I miss having lunch with you.  I do get that you need to spend time with your father even though you two are still barely getting along. I don't have any right to monopolize your time.

I was willing to attack that ass hole Vulcan for you. That right there is a very obvious sign that I really love like you. I would have kicked that dick’s ass for what he said about you and your mother if you would've let me.  You don’t refer to someone’s dead mother by any derogatory synonym for prostitute in any language. That's just not right.

I’m surprise you didn’t try to kill him.  I said you did not love your mom and you try to kill me. He calls her a slut and you just walk away.  Me asking you about that particular course of action was what started our last argument in the first place.

 

I know I want to be more than your friend, even though that’s not going to happen right now.  You are with someone else presently, even though I know that relationship is not headed for white picket fences and 1.7 children. I just can’t actively try to break the two of you up because it would hurt you.  I'd rather die than cause you pain. 

 

Even though you refuse to talk to me about what’s going on, I know that particular relationship is falling apart.  I’ve known for a while and maybe I wanted to pretend that it would be happily ever after for you two to keep myself from—I don’t know what.  I’m so confused.

 

I know I have been using your relationship with someone else to ignore that I am starting to really care about you.  It’s pretty obvious that you and the girlfriend are not going to be forever because your father has been trying to set you up with other people since we arrived at the colony weeks ago and you did not even bother bringing the girlfriend to meet the parent.  (Although, you did bring me. Can I please read something into that?)

 

Apparently, I did understand your argument with your father when we first got here even if I still don't know what Pon Farr means and I'm too afraid to ask.  I was just shocked that your dad was playing matchmaker when you are in a relationship with someone else.  Actually, I’m surprise he would play matchmaker at all.  Considering he has backed off in the last few days, maybe he finally got that you’re not interested in settling down here on the colony and leaving ~~me~~ Starfleet behind.  I am not even going to pretend that you would be staying for the girlfriend because it’s obvious that your relationship with Uhura is not strong enough to keep you on Enterprise. It wasn't the first time around.)

 

 

Honestly, I don’t know if I love you.  I don’t think I know what love is.  It’s not exactly like I’ve had the best role models in this area.  My father supposedly loved my mother but he left her behind.  Yes, he did it to protect us and 800 other individuals, but he still left her behind.  My mother loved my father but she married Frank less than five years after his death.  Frank supposedly loved my mother but he fucked around behind her back and abused her children.

 

The only functional relationship I have ever seen between two people that really loved each other has been between Pike and his wife.  I will admit I want that type of love someday, maybe.  I want to be with somebody who would be willing to put his or her entire career on the line for our relationship.  I want to be with somebody who would stay by my side through rehabilitation and forced career changes.

 

Even if I do love you, I’m not sure what to do about it.  You are not single right now, even if the relationship isn’t perfect.  If you and her break up tomorrow, it’s not like you and I will jump headfirst into a new relationship.  I can tell you from personal experience that rebound relationships usually end in disaster and spending quality time with my good friend, Jack.  I don’t want to risk the possibility of us not having that life altering friendship for a temporary sexual relationship.  I don’t think I can function without you anymore.  We have known each other less than six months and I can’t imagine my life without you now.  I’d rather just be your friend than live the rest of my life without you.

 

 

Maybe, I just need to get laid.  Maybe, all this confusion and sexual attraction to someone who can only be a friend is caused by extreme sexual frustration.  After we get done with our work here on the colony, I asked if we could have a little shore leave.  Heavy construction and extreme temperatures is not exactly the easiest thing on humans, even though we have all this great technology that can put up an apartment complex in less than 24 hours. Maybe, a shore leave hookup is exactly what I need.

 

Part of me does not think sex with some complete stranger is going to make things better.  Yes, I’ve done one or two one night stands before but I’m pretty sure copious amounts of alcohol were involved.  I’m never very comfortable with it and usually have to get myself drunk enough not to care.

 

Second, I just want you.  I just want to be with you.  I don’t think there’s anybody on any planet that could take your place.  I guess I’m just going to have to get used to the extreme sexual frustration/confusion.  I’ve become really good friends with my right hand recently thanks to you.

 

Since I can’t do anything about the sexual frustration, I can at least try to deal with the other parts of my confusion and irritation caused by you.  You made a valid point this morning during our argument.  I can’t expect you to tell me your entire life story when you barely know anything about my pre-Starfleet life that wasn’t in whatever file you read to prepare for your arguments at the Kobayashi Maru trial months ago.  If I cannot even send you these letters, than what right do I have to expect you to open up to me about your girlfriend troubles or about being bullied growing up? 

 

Pike always told me that the best Captains lead by example.  I’m going to lead by example.  I know I’m not going to send you this letter because that might lead to me spending several hours in sexual harassment training and you handing in your resignation. I'm not going to risk that happening. Do you know how boring those seminars are?

 

First, I’m going to actually apologize for what happened this afternoon.  Than, I’m going to suggest we find some way to squeeze in that movie night even though we are unbelievably busy right now.  I’m going to tell you stories about how Sam taught me how to ride an old fashion bike, because Frank was too drunk and my mom wasn’t there to teach me how.  I may even tell you about being bullied and breaking some idiot’s nose in the third grade for calling me ‘orphaned boy’.  I promise to tell you about being 12 and figuring out that I liked boys too.  I’ll tell you about all the crazy things that happened in the dorms at my posh private school.  Bad and sometimes illegal things happen when you lock 250 gifted kids in a dormitory together.  I’m personally surprise nobody ended up dead or arrested.  If we do have shore leave and you get me drunk enough, I may even tell you about the day I found out that Sam was dead.  Maybe, if I let you really see me, maybe you’ll let me really see you. It's worth a try.


	11. I don’t know how to tell you this but your girlfriend is a cheating slut (maybe)/I’m such a coward

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Subject: I don’t know how to tell you this but your girlfriend is a cheating slut (maybe)

Time written: 11/1/2258 4:35:34

Time send: 11/2/2258 00:00:01

 

I don’t know how to start this letter.  I don’t want to write this letter.  I really don’t want to know what I know right now. If I can’t tell you in an e-mail that I’m not planning to send you, how can I tell you in person?  This is so hard.  I don’t want to hurt you. 

I guess I should start was saying that I really care about you and I would never tell you this just to hurt you or just so I could be with you.  Seeing you in pain hurts me in a way I can’t describe. 

Remember two weeks ago when you went missing on the colony for a couple of hours, I was so freaked out that Bones had to give me a sedative just so I could function?  Oh wait, I never told you about that.  Good thing you are never going to read this.  Anyway, I was so happy when we found you that I actually hugged you in public, even though I know you get a little weird when I touch you.

I hope that you trust me enough to know that everything I say is the complete truth.  Since our last blow up over a month ago, I have been making an effort to be completely honest with you.  I have told you things about my childhood and my life that Bones knows nothing about.  You are the only one who knows about how bad my mom’s drinking problem really got growing up.  Only you know that she did not go to rehab until I was 16 and she almost died from alcohol poisoning on the second anniversary of Sam’s death.  I think she only went to rehab because Kevin told her with teary eyes that he couldn’t take losing another parent.  You are the only one I trust to know things like that.  Because of the trust I have put in you, I hope you believe what I’m about to say.

On our first day of shore leave, no matter how hard I try I could not convince you to go clubbing or bar hopping with me.  Even after I told you this planet does not observe the Western Earth holiday of Halloween, you still said no.  Are you that terrified of trick or treaters?  You wouldn’t even go when I said it was the duty of the first officer to keep me from doing stupid things/disgracing Starfleet by throwing up on someone's shoes in front of a camera.  Now, I think it’s a good thing that you didn’t go with me.  If you did, I may be trying to get you out of jail right now for assault.

 

Because you refused to be my chaperone for the evening, I went bar hopping with Bones.  He was completely shocked when I turn down six separate individuals that offered me a ‘good time’.  By good time, I mean various offers of blowjobs, hand jobs, or other similar activities.  (Because he saw me making out with so many random people when we were roommates the first year, even my own doctor doesn’t believe I’ve only had nine sexual partners or that I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20.  Is it bad when your supposed best friend thinks you are a slut?) 

 

I told Bones I said no because I had no desire to sleep was somebody who only wanted to have sex with me because I was one of the guys who saved earth.  I couldn’t tell Bones that I turned everybody down because they were not you.  He would ask too many questions and I’m not ready to come out of the crush closet yet.

If only your girlfriend just wanted to be with you.  If that were the case, I wouldn’t be writing you this rambling letter at 4:00am as you sleep or meditate in the room next to mine, in this unbelievably luxurious suite that you so graciously allowed me to share without contributing anything to the bill.  I know you are not having sex with your girlfriend because she is most likely lying in somebody else’s bed presently.

Last night or really early this morning, as I was trying to get away from one of the locals who was a little too insistent, I witnessed your girlfriend making out with someone who was not you in a unbelievably dark part of the bar.  I know it was not you because the person did not have your sexy ears and was wearing blue jeans.  You don’t do casual clothes.  I’m not even sure if the other guy was somebody on Enterprise because I was too shocked to stick around.  I was mostly shocked because this seems so out of character for her.  

Now, I’m sitting in this very empty bed trying to figure out how to tell you all of this without sounding like an insensitive asshole.  I don’t want you to think I am telling you about what I saw just to break the two of you up.  I’m not.  Yes, I do like or maybe I’m actually in love with you but I wouldn’t tell you about something like this unless it was completely true.  You need to know and I’m just not sure how to tell you.

I’m supposed to be getting up in less than 4 hours to go museum hopping with you.  I guess I could tell you after we return to the hotel.  Maybe, I could tell you at one of the museums.  I really don’t want to end up being choked in a not fun way for telling you that your girlfriend is cheating on you.  That might be less likely to happen in a public place if you believe me in the first place. 

Too bad Bones wasn’t with me because then I would have a second witness.  He disappeared like 20 minutes earlier after your girlfriend walked into the club.  Come to think of it, the guy Uhura was kissing was wearing the same jeans that Bones was wearing.  Oh, fuck.  I’m going to kill him.

 

\-----

 

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Subject: I’m such a coward.

Time written: 11/1/2258 23:49:34

Time send: 11/2/2258 00:00:01

 

I’m currently hiding in the hotel’s bar listening to a salute to Maroon 5 as I wait for the explosion to occur.  As many times as I tried this afternoon, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you about what I saw last night. 

Your girlfriend and my former best friend confirmed everything to me about 25 minutes ago, sort of.  They had the nerve to be confused about why I was upset at first.  I know in the 23rd century people are much more liberal about sex but cheating is still wrong, unless you two have an open relationship that you never told me about.  After 15 minutes of arguing, your soon to be former girlfriend agreed to go talk to you.  I’m hiding out here until I’m sure it’s safe to enter our suite.  She did mumble something about killing you before leaving me behind.  

I tried to tell you several times this afternoon but I just couldn’t do it.  We were just having such a great time and I didn’t want you to hate me.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been in this situation.  I was seven the first time I caught Frank fucking around with someone who wasn’t my mom.  I didn’t even tell Sam what I saw.  It took me a month to get up the courage to tell my mom about what Frank was doing.  She didn’t believe me.  She thought I was lying just so she would come back home.  That’s why I didn’t even bother telling her about Frank beating the hell out of me.  I didn’t think she would believe me.

 

I think I really am in love with you.  It would kill me if you didn’t believe me.  It’s better if you hear it from her anyway.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: To save myself from dozens of 'Nyota is a bitch' messages, I just want to say that she really did not cheat on Spock, Jim just thinks she did because of Spock's communication issues. Remember since everything so far has been from Jim's perspective you are only seeing half of what's going on and well as you will find out in subsequent chapters Jim was really oblivious to a lot of things. You'll understand as I start posting Spock side of the story. The rest of the story, except for the epilogue, will be from Spock’s perspective and will go back to the beginning of the story.


	12. Prologue B: I Am Uncertain If I Am Emotionally or Psychologically Stable Enough to Be Anyone’s ‘Friend’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Spock side of the story with its very own title, Beautiful. The title comes from the Eminem song of the same name (see lyrics below) but I do not consider this a Trek Pod story. If I did a Trek Pod story for that song, body swapping would be involved. Maybe someday, if I ever get the time.  
> Are you calling me, are you trying to get through  
> Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you  
> I'm just so fuckin' depressed  
> I just can seem to get out this slump  
> If I could just get over this hump  
> But I need something to pull me out this dump  
> Because it is Spock, it takes him about 100,000 words to explain what Jim could in about 17,000. Spock perspective runs parallel to all of Jim’s letters and then goes beyond that. I chose not to re-cut the story to integrate Jim’s letters with Spock’s perspective because I like that added element of thinking that you know what’s going on but discovering things are not what they seem. However, I’m going to do a better job of flagging which letter goes with which chapter. In addition, I have corrected some inconsistencies.
> 
> Timeline: The prologue takes place about the same time of Jim’s prologue. Each subsequent chapter will take place around their corresponding letter. However, because this is Spock, some letters will cover more than one chapter.   
> Warning: Grab a tissue

 

 

 

 

Spock knew this was a dream, because the house of his childhood does not exist anymore, along with the entire planet on which it resided once upon a time.  More importantly, the woman in front of him sitting down with an old fashion notebook and pen in hand, no longer exists, no matter how much Spock wished she still did. 

 

He dreams of his mother daily, even though Vulcans do not dream.  Every night he dreams of her.  Amanda almost haunts him now, making it almost impossible for Spock to sleep.  He usually dreamed about saving her.  Every night Spock would do something different.  One night, Spock actually dreamt he accepted Nyota’s invitation for dinner the evening before everything fell apart.  She had been interested in him for a while but being her professor it would have been completely unprofessional to engage in a romantic relationship with any student and therefore he always said no when she invited him to coffee or dinner.  He did not want to give the illusion of such a relationship, even if the dinner would be platonic or school related, as she would always promise it would be.  An accidental brush of fingers would always reveal her true intentions.  He wanted nobody to question her abilities because of supposed favoritism; therefore, he stayed away. 

It would have been even more inappropriate in these particular circumstances because up until the next day, when his entire planet was destroyed, he was ‘engaged’ to T’Pring in human terms.  Anything more than a friendship with Nyota would have been inappropriate for that reason alone, even if he had not seen his intended since he was seven years old.

Yet in his dreams, Spock gives in to her the night before instead of in an empty elevator in the middle of a crisis, once he is completely broken.  At this dinner, she told him about the message she intercepted involving a ship that could destroy a planet.  Because he knew about that particular bit of intelligence earlier, the entire fleet was prepared when they arrived at Vulcan and they easily defeated Nero before he destroyed the planet.

Other nights, he beams down to the planet a little bit sooner.  Some nights, Spock was just a little bit faster as he and the rest of the council ran out of the arc.  Occasionally in his dreams, they are beamed off the planet just a little bit sooner.  One night, he even dreamed that Amanda came to visit him on earth for some ridiculous reason and she was not even on Vulcan when it was destroyed. 

 

 

Every night for the last 8 weeks, he saves his mother, if only in his dreams.  The dreams kept coming, no matter how many sleeping pills or anti-depressants he consumes.  Every night he would wake up much too soon to the cold reality that he was a member of an endangered species and his mother was no longer among the living.

Tonight’s dream was unique.  It was not his secret wish for things to be different but a memory from his childhood.  He was only 4.7 years old in this dream.  When this moment really took place, minutes earlier his parents were fighting about something he cannot even remember now because it was of no importance.  He saw his mother pressing an old fashion pen so hard into the paper that she seemed seconds away from breaking it. 

 

The dream/memory was so real, that Spock can actually smell her.  Back then, his mother smelled like a mixture of earth citrus and vanilla.  It was the scent of home, a home that now only existed in dreams he should not have.

 _“What are you doing mother?”_ His dream self asked Amanda hesitantly as he did as a child.

 _“I am writing your father a letter.”_ Amanda said with the smile that Spock missed so much.

 _“Why are you not using a PADD?  That is more efficient than using paper.”_ Spock said confidently in the dream.

 _“I don’t actually intend for your father to read this letter.”_ Amanda told him as she put the letter to the side and pulled him up to sit on her lap.  If Spock remembered correctly, this was the last time he ever allowed her to do such a thing.

 _“Then why are you writing him a letter that you never intend for him to read?  That is illogical.”_ He asked his mother, not understanding the purpose of such an exercise.

 _“Sometimes, when you’re angry at someone you need to just vent a little. One way of doing that is writing down what you want to tell the individual who made you angry or hurt your feelings, but for some reason you are unable to tell him or her in person.  Instead of screaming at your father, I write down everything I am feeling in these letters.  Usually, by the time I am done, I feel better.  It is much more logical than throwing certain pieces of furniture at your father’s head.”_ As a child, he did not understand her statement, but he understood it now.

 

_“I still do not see the logic in it.  It must be a human thing.  Because I am Vulcan, I do not need to use such a technique.  I do not become angry.”_ He told his mother proudly but she just laughed a little.

 

 

When this conversation actually occurred Spock continued to ask her various questions but tonight he woke up before he could say anything else.

 

 

The citrus scent of his mother was quickly replaced with the fragrance of the incense he used the night before during his attempt at meditation.  The lack of his mother scent instantly brought back the true reality of the situation.  He was alone, in his quarters on Enterprise, illogically wishing to be somewhere, with someone, who no longer existed.  In reality, he is alone.  He is always alone now, even when he is surrounded by hundreds of individuals.  No one understands what he is going through, not even Nyota.

 

 

His internal clock told him it was 1:23 AM ship time.  This meant he slept for a grand total of 83 minutes after 3 hours of attempts at meditation and consuming one of the pills Dr. McCoy gave him to aid his sleep. He was forced to start taking the medication after Nyota told the doctor that Spock would go days without rest or meditation.  Tonight neither meditation nor medication allowed him to sleep.

Nyota would not know of his lack of sleep this night because he terminated their sexual relationship 5.2 hours previously.  They were really not together.  It was more him using her to stop feeling so numb after the loss of everything, including his mother.  Many humans would refer to their relationship as ‘friends with benefits’. 

It didn’t work.  Even when they were engaged in sexual intercourse, he felt nearly nothing except at release.  It was wrong to stay with her once Spock realized he was just using her to run away from the turbulence and pain in his life.  It was a very unVulcan thing to do and he respected her too much to continue using her in such a way.

Perhaps, there was another reason why he told her that they could only be friends.  Even though Nyota rarely made him feel something other than numbness, one extremely infuriating person made him feel every emotion possible from anger to happiness, and although he loathed to confess to feeling such a thing as lust.  James Kirk was an enigma, yet he was the only source of stimuli that made Spock feel anything other than emptiness for longer than it took to achieve orgasm.  Spock found it extremely displeasing.

 

Yet, James was the reason why he returned to Enterprise.  Spock wanted that relationship that the older version of himself spoke of.  Spock always desired that type of deep friendship.  2.1 weeks into his tenure aboard Enterprise and Spock seriously wondered if his other self was mistaken.  Every time he suggested a more efficient way of doing something, his captain would instantly become defensive and simply refuse to utilize the method Spock’s suggest simply on principle.  Never before in his entire time in Starfleet, has Spock raised his voice at a superior officer until Jim Kirk became his captain.  He realized it was inappropriate but he cannot help himself from responding in kind to Captain Kirk’s belligerent behavior.  Spock never understood the human emotion of frustration until he met James Kirk.

What added to his constant state of confusion, was James inconsistent behavior.  One moment James will be yelling at him on the bridge, minutes later he will be asking Spock to play a game of chess or share a meal.  Spock would usually decline, simply to keep the peace.  Part of Spock was afraid that if they were alone there may be a repeat of the bridge incident.  Spock never wanted to lose control like that again, yet his captain possessed the ability to make him become completely unhinged within seconds.

 

This afternoon, Spock wondered if he was on the verge of such a loss of control after another argument broke out on the bridge for the most illogical reason.  This time James left the bridge early barely turning over the Comm to him.  An hour later, James showed up to his quarters to apologize for his previous inappropriate behavior and to discuss various aspects of the ship’s operation.  After the apology, it was almost as if their earlier argument did not occur. 

For a moment, Spock almost found himself enjoying Jim’s company until Nyota showed up to his quarters to share a meal together as planned earlier.  He could not help but notice the sad look on his captain’s face as Jim exited Spock’s quarters.  Spock realized he felt that same disappointment and a desire for things to be civil all the time.

 

It was during his meal together with Nyota that Spock came to the realization that things could not continue as they were between the two.  He could not explain to her why he wanted to terminate their romantic acquaintance, only that it was necessary.  Spock never told her about his former fiancée or his nightly dreams about saving his mother.  He cannot explain to her that he felt as if he is surrounded by darkness at all times. He never even told her that he was considering leaving Starfleet because of the guilt he should not feel over not saving his mother or his people.  Nyota only discovered that he was not returning when she noticed that his name was absent from the crew manifest. 

 

He only came back because of the suggestion that he would miss out on the most important relationship of his life if he did not.  Spock could not tell Nyota that person was not her.  In human terms, he needed a ‘hug’ and she just happened to be around.  She was his friend and he used her.  He definitely could not explain to Nyota that he felt guiltier for using her to take away his feelings of absolute loneliness, than anything else.

He couldn’t tell her any of those things and maybe that in itself was the most logical reason of all to terminate the romantic/sexual aspect of their relationship.  How could their relationship go any further if he could not tell her what he really felt, even if he felt nothing at all? And

Instead, he told her that because it was against regulations it would be best if they kept their relationship entirely platonic from now on.  Spock explained to her that he did not want anybody to question her abilities or her capability as an officer due to their relationship.  It was not a complete lie, but it was not the complete truth either.

 

To say that Nyota was upset would be an understatement.  She was enraged and confused by his rationalization for the termination of their sexual relationship.  She found his excuse illogical.  The only thing that prevented a scene was the arrival of Jim’s yeoman with various projects that the Captain needed Spock to look over immediately.

His fight earlier in the day with James and his later fight with his now former lover required additional meditation before he could attempt to rest.  Yet, his attempts at meditation were as fruitless as they have been for the last 8 weeks.

Spock considered utilizing his mother’s form of meditation of writing letters that she never intended for anyone to see.  He immediately dismissed the idea as being illogical as he was unable to come up with a suitable addressee.  In addition, there was no paper available in his quarters.

 

After coming to the conclusion that he would not be falling back to sleep this night, he grabbed his PADD off his desk and began to read his e-mails.  He quickly opened the e-mail from his captain first despite the message’s highly inappropriate subject line of ‘You annoyed the hell out of me’ only to drop his PADD seconds later after he quickly read the entire letter.


	13. Chapter one B: I Fine You Equally Irritating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter coincides with Jim’s first letter and part of the second.

 

If he were not Vulcan, he would be completely shocked by the words currently displayed on the screen of his PADD.  Dropping the PADD was not a sign of shock, but a reflex action he told himself.  For the first time in his entire existence, Spock almost cursed his ability to read an entire document in 5.6 seconds.  Of course, cursing any ability would be illogical.  However, he has been doing a lot of illogical things lately, including feeling various emotions that he is unable to process due to James Kirk, when he feels nothing at all other times.  This particular instance is no exception and reading this letter has triggered a multitude of emotions in Spock.  He found this and James annoying.

At first, he thought the letter was a joke due to the last few paragraphs regarding James being sexually attracted to him, despite the candidness of the entire text and multiple uses of several variations of the phrase ‘you’re never going to read this’. Spock could not conceivably see James being sexually attracted to him due to Jim's ‘Lady's man’ reputation and the fact that Spock did not see himself as an object of desire. He was never seen as beautiful by his Vulcan contemporaries. Therefore, he could not see himself that way nor understand why anyone else would. Spock still could not understand what Nyota saw of value in him.

Then Spock remembered his earlier dream.  This seemed like the type of letter his mother would write Sarek whenever they had some sort of altercation.  Spock was well aware that James was quite frustrated with him when he left the bridge violently this afternoon before returning as if nothing happened 59.3 minutes later.  It was logical to assume that James vented his anger and frustration in some form.  Spock remembered that his mother was always much calmer after composing one of her letters. It is a logical possibility.

Even the sexual content in James's letter did not disqualify it as being similar to the type of ‘writing meditation’ that his mother utilized when she was alive.  Unfortunately, those letters contained various sexual references to things that Spock never ever wanted to know about his parents personal lives.  It was enough to make him wonder if his father married Amanda just because it was logical before Sarek admitted that he loved her, mere hours after her death. 

Being a curious child, Spock quickly found himself reading his mother’s letters once he found her secret hiding place, even though they were personal, because it allowed him to see both his parents in a different light.  He rationalized his decision to take a peek after overhearing one particular argument that his parents were having in regards to him.  It would have been illogical for Spock not to use every resource available to him to discover what his parents were arguing about.  Spock quickly broke out of this habit when he accidentally found out about Pon Farr from a letter that he has spent the last 18.37 years repressing.

Given that fact, Spock is 73.2% certain that James sent him this letter accidentally.  Due to the sensitivity of Dragon Speak version 208 even, even in Spock has accidentally sent a message prematurely because the software misinterpreted his use of the word send in the body of the message as a command to forward the message to others.  The fact that James is still under the assumption that telling him about his other self could trigger a world ending paradox lends credence to the theory that Spock was never supposed to see that message.  Of course, that information could have been included as a direct effort to mislead him.

 

His 26.8% uncertainty in the matter is caused by the fact that he is unsure of how James could unconsciously send him this message due to his superior knowledge of computers, in addition to the line "because you are never going to read this, I am completely willing to admit I wouldn't completely be opposed to you kissing me".  If it was an accident during dictation, the message would have arrived incomplete and there would have been at a minimum, a halfhearted attempt to recall the document.  The letter also would have been sent at the time of dictation. Judging by context alone, Jim wrote this message immediately after leaving the bridge angry the afternoon before.  This makes sense given his calmer state when they met again later.

 

To confirm the accidental nature of the message, Spock decided to contact his alternate self, going by the pseudonym Selek, to confirm that James is still under his previous misconception.  Under no circumstances will Spock ask Jim directly about his intentions regarding the letter just yet.  He also wanted to meditate on the contents of the message before speaking with James directly. 

 

Spock will not ask Selek to verify his captain’s statements involving the fact that in another dimension he and James were lovers.  Although, Spock finds his captain aesthetically pleasing since he witnessed him take the Kobayashi Maru for the first time 9.7 months ago, there are some things that one is better off not knowing for certain.  His elder self specifically said that he and James in the other dimension had a life altering friendship.  However, several Vulcan words for friendship can also refer to a friendship with a sexual component.  If that were the case, that would explain why his elder self tried so hard to get Spock to return to Enterprise and James.  Either way, Spock did not want to know the answer.

Unfortunately, his older self did not provide Spock with any contact information, even in the event of an emergency.  Selek most likely assumed it would be too tempting for Spock and others to inquire about the future and his other self apparently had no desire to influence future events more than he already had.  Because of this, Spock was forced to go through his father’s new assistant to obtain the necessary contact information.  This was preferable over contacting his father directly.  Their relationship was complicated.

When he explained to his father 2.4 weeks ago that he reconsider his earlier decision to help with the rebuilding efforts and decided to stay in Starfleet, his temporary reconciliation with Sarek fell apart.  To say that his father was displeased, would be a gross simplification of the situation. Sarek was mostly upset at Spock’s inability to explain why he chose to return to Enterprise over his obligation to help rebuild his people.  Spock could not explain to his father that although less than 100,000 Vulcans remain, including those evacuated from the planet before its demise, he was still treated as he was nothing by his contemporaries.  Nor could he explain that although he found James Kirk to be irritating, narcissistic, and completely reckless, he was drawn to him in a way he could not understand. 

 

Spock found James as irritating as James found him 51.2% of the time, with his complete unwillingness to compromise or listen to any of Spock suggestions.  75 of their 87 arguments over the last 2.1 weeks were triggered by James’s unwillingness to yield to Spock’s superior knowledge in certain areas.  At the time, Spock could not understand why his captain was so resistant to his advice.  Spock was always willing to listen to those who worked under him. 

 

Now he knew.  Jim’s stepfather Frank made him feel worthless with his constant verbal criticisms according to Jim’s letter.  Jim was seeing Spock’s suggestions as being no different than what his stepfather did years ago, even if it was not.  Spock could understand because his father made him feel the same way without trying.  Resistance was a natural defense mechanism to such treatment.  Part of the reason why Spock joined Starfleet was because his father did not want him to.

 

Until he read the letter, Spock was unaware that his captain had a stepfather, let alone that his relationship with the man was so contentious.  Then again, Spock was beginning to realize that there was much he did not know about James Kirk.  Nothing that Spock thought he knew turned out to be true in the long run.  The man was a perplexing and confusing enigma that Spock found simultaneously fascinating and annoying. 

When Spock prepared for the Kobayashi Maru hearing 8.1 weeks ago, he focused on George Kirk.  After the loss of his mother, he realizes that mentioning James’s father the way he did during the hearing was inappropriate and was, as James said, a ‘cheap shot”.  Spock was angry that James challenged him personally by challenging the test, even if he would not admit to possessing such an emotion.  In hindsight, he saw that James was not challenging him but the situation.  Considering that there is still an Earth to return to, he is grateful now for Jim’s ability to not see any situation as hopeless.  Similarly, Spock can see now how Jim could perceive his suggestions as a challenge.  His direct matter of fact delivery could be perceived as condescension even if that is not his intent.

Due to his insomnia and certain parts of the letter that confused him, Spock decided to do a quick search on Winona Kirk and her second husband.  He considered briefly responding to his captain’s e-mailed directly but chose not to until he knew for sure if it was a genuine message or a joke. It would be more appropriate to respond in person in either case.  Spock knew this was just an excuse.  If he wrote a letter now, he may be tempted to include information that he would never say in person.

 

What Spock found in Winona Kirk’s service record confused Spock more.  No mention of her serving on Tarsus IV was in her file.  All details related to her last two years in Starfleet were redacted.  He had the security clearance to access the Tarsus file but chose not to.  He was familiar enough with the events to not feel a need to access the information. Because he was an Ambassador’s son, he knew that the story about civil war and famine was a cover for something much more disturbing. Spock did not want to give his mind anymore material for nightmares that he should not be having.  He found himself illogically thankful that his captain was not on the planet during the chaos.

 

Instead, Spock focused his early morning search on Frank Jones, Winona's second husband, who she subsequently divorced a few months prior to her final Starfleet assignment.  The file contained various pieces of unpleasant information about the man including Mr. Jones being discharge from Starfleet due to PTSD, use of excessive force, and substance abuse two years prior to his marriage to Winona.  Spock wondered if Jim’s mother was aware of such issues before their marriage.  In 2245, Frank Jones was sentence to 20 years in a federation rehabilitation center for multiple counts of child abuse, gross neglect, possession of a controlled substance with intent to distribute, and other charges of a similar nature.  Spock was pretty sure James was the minor in question, but the information was redacted from the file.

Spock wondered if James associated him with Mr. Jones because of what happened on the bridge.  Did it remind Jim of what he suffered in his childhood?  In either case, James was naturally defensive to any type of criticism whatsoever.  Spock did not see his comments as criticism but rather as part of performing his duty as first officer to assist his captain.  According to the letter, James realized he needed his help but was afraid to accept it for various reasons.  Instead of telling Spock this, James chose to lash out which was counterproductive.  Spock found this highly illogical but he realizes for the two of them to succeed Spock must change his strategy. 

After his research session, he sat on his bed rereading James' letter again slowly.  The words managed to do something that drugs or meditation cannot accomplish.  He had peace of mind because Jim actually cared about him in some way and this finally allowed Spock to fall asleep. The fact he stayed asleep for 3.1 hours until his normally not necessary alarm woke him up for shift, was a welcome change.

 

XXX

 

Spock decided it would be most prudent to speak to James before shift about certain issues raised in the letter if not the letter itself.  He considered meeting James in the cafeteria but decided against it when he saw Nyota.  He felt it was best if he avoided her for the next few days as they both acclimated to the change in their relationship.  It would be better to meet James outside of the bridge before shift, in an effort to avoid a scene in the cafeteria. Again, he chastised himself for possibly destroying his friendship with Nyota for the sake of escapism in sexual gratification.  He was foolish.  Spock promised himself then and there that he would never risk another friendship for a fleeting sexual relationship again.

“Captain, may I please speak with you momentarily?” Spock asked James pulling him to the side before he stepped onto the bridge.  Spock consciously made sure no one was around as not to give the impression that he was undermining the captain’s authority.  He did not appreciate the accusation in the letter.

“Sure, what did I do wrong this time?  At lease you were kind enough to reprimand me without an audience this time.” James responded quickly. 

 

Spock also found this accusation irksome. The fact that James automatically assumed that he was there to chastise him for some unknown reason made Spock believe that the letter from the night before was authentic.  That still left the question of why it was accidentally sent to him hours after it was originally written.  However, that was of no consequence presently.  Spock decided at that moment that he should tell Jim about the e-mail he received without contacting Selek.

“How can I find fault with your performance on this day when our shift will not begin for 17.2 minutes?” Spock said utilizing humor to defuse the situation.  Spock has become quite accustomed to hiding behind the ‘tears of a clown’ as they would say on earth  He discovered during his first year that if he acted as if he did not understand something the other party would find it humorous and it would break the tension.  Of course, he would claim ignorance when the other party mentioned that his comment was humorous.

“It’s you.  You always find something wrong.  It’s like I can do nothing right.  You probably thought the Admiralty were all completely high when they gave me this job.  Do you really hate me that much?” His words reminded Spock of what was said in the letter.

 “I do not hate you.  Hate is an emotion and therefore it would be illogical for me to hate you.” Spock knew it was an excuse because he was well hated by several of his contemporaries, including Stonn.  The young Vulcan had no trouble letting Spock know when they met 4.2 weeks ago that he was engaged in a sexual relationship with T’Pring for 7.8 years prior to her death during the destruction of Vulcan.  Spock was very familiar with Vulcan hatred, simply because he was different. Of course, James was not aware that Spock encountered such bigotry from his contemporaries and therefore would see Spock’s explanation as logical.

 

Spock knew the real reason he did not hate James.  James gave him no real cause for hatred, in addition to the fact that Spock found himself unable to hate Jim for reasons that he was not ready to confess to possessing.  Given the incredulous look that James gave him, Spock believed that his captain did not believe his explanation either despite not having firsthand experience with Vulcan nature.

 

“In addition to not feeling any animosity regarding you, despite what you said about my mother, I do not find you completely incompetent.  I feel you have the potential to become a great captain.  When I tell you a different way to do something, I am not challenging your authority nor am I questioning your ability to do something.  I am merely suggesting a different strategy that was useful in the  
past.  As your first officer, it is my duty to assist you.  However, if you prefer for me not to verbalize the suggestions in front of the crew, I would be willing to send private messages to your PADD with my suggestions.” Spock suggested as a compromise.

 

“That would work.  Is this what you wanted to talk about?” James asked looking at the time.

“Actually there is one more thing…” Spock said trying to broach the subject of the accidental e-mail he received the night before, but he was cut off by the sudden appearance of the captain’s yeoman with various documents that must be signed before shift.  Spock decided to discuss the letter with Jim at lunch that afternoon when his captain would most likely extend an invitation again.


	14. Beautiful Chapter two: I Am Sorry for Many Things, Even If I Find Apologies Illogical.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter coincides with the events that occur before Jim's second letter.
> 
> Warning: sexual dialogue
> 
> Other warnings: grab more tissue

His plan to tell Jim about the letter the night before did not go as intended. First, Jim did not extend an invitation that afternoon as assumed. This was not necessarily because Jim did not want to spend lunch with Spock, despite their earlier argument on the bridge during the first half of shift. Though, Spock would understand if that were the case.

There was a scheduling issue triggered by a narrow-minded admiral that even Spock found distasteful and unpleasant. Due to the unrealistic demands of said individual, the captain had no choice but to work through lunch much to the captain's displeasure. James' reaction to that admiral was what triggered his and Spock's early morning argument, even though Spock was trying very hard not to verbally chastise the captain in front of everyone. After Jim refer to that member of the Admiralty by several expletives, including multiple derogatory synonyms for male genitalia in front of the entire bridge crew, Spock could not keep silent on the matter.

He may have found this particular admiral to be xenophobic and narcissistic, but Spock knew better then to voice these opinions aloud. The captain's words were a direct violation of Starfleet regulation 3.34.1D. Although, you may not respect the person in charge, it was imperative to respect the position, if nothing else.

When Spock told the captain this, James refer to Spock as a hypocrite and than preceded to go off on a 3.2 minute tirade about Spock's earlier behavior. Spock felt he had no choice but to defend himself and respond in kind. The argument continued until Nyota threatened to send them both to their quarters without dessert.

"If you two are going to act like five year olds on the bridge, you should be punished like children." As everyone else on the bridge laughed at Nyota's comment, Spock returned to his station realizing just how much he undermined his captain's authority without any real effort. Spock could not help but think back to James' words in the letter. No wonder his captain thought that Spock despised him, when nothing could be further from the truth.

To make amends, Spock was planning to assist James with his last minute duties, until Nyota literally dragged him off the bridge because they 'needed to talk'. Spock despised that phrasing but had no choice to go with her when his captain essentially ordered him to spend time with his 'girlfriend'.

"Why do we need to talk?" Spock asked her as they walked off the bridge once he realized that they were alone in the hallway.

"First, I don't trust you and our captain together, almost alone, on the bridge for an hour right now after your last little fight. Jim's yeoman and Chekhov would not have a chance in hell of getting you two apart if you finally snapped completely. I really don't want to come back to find my workstation covered in red and green blood." She joked, but Spock did not find humor in it.

"I would never physically assault my captain." As he said the words, Nyota gave him an incredulous look. "He was not my captain at the time of that incident." He added in light of her expression.

"I actually watched you try to kill him eight weeks ago. It still counts, unless you really are into erotic asphyxiation." Spock did not start coughing in the hallway due to her words, but rather the dust in the corridor, and told her such when she inquired about his health. He will make a note to check on the filtration system later.

"Though you broke up with me yesterday for the most ridiculous reason ever, I don't want you to end up on a federation prison planet for killing our captain. You two need some time apart from each other right now." He instantly detected anger in her voice, as well as, her seriousness. Was his and Jim's behavior really that detrimental to the unity of the crew? Even Nyota didn't trust him around James and she was the one person on the ship that knew him the best. Spock did not have time to meditate or comment on that fact because she continued.

"He's too good at pushing your buttons. Yes, I mean that in the metaphorical sense. Do you know half the crew is betting on when you're going to kill him?" Nyota said as she led him to a different elevator than the one she kissed him in for the first time weeks earlier.

"I sincerely doubt that many crewmembers would violate Starfleet regulation 12.3.7b." Spock said as dryly as possible, as he pressed the button for the lift.

"Trust me, they are. The other half of the crew are betting on when you two will sleep together. Apparently, they believed the erotic asphyxiation rumor." If Spock accidentally walked into the door of the elevator at that moment, it was because the door opened 1.2 seconds later than anticipated. His rare lack of coordination had nothing to do whatsoever with Nyota's earlier statement and he told her this when she inquired about his health again as they walked inside. He wondered why she was smiling at that moment.

"What is your other explanation as to why you are forcing me to have lunch with you, even after I ask that our relationship become platonic once again?" Just as Spock said the words, the elevator suddenly stopped.

"Do you really think I believe that completely ridiculous justification you gave me yesterday for terminating our relationship? Do you think I'm a complete idiot? You and I both know that Starfleet's fraternization policy is not worth the paper it's written on." Her glare was pure ice, as she spoke.

"You are one of the most intelligent women that I have ever met. Starfleet has never printed any of their regulations on paper, because it would be a waste of a precious resource." He answered honestly, hoping that it would appease her, before using humor to deflect her annoyance.

"Your statement made me a little less angry at you. Although, if you could lay off the jokes until I am done, that would be good." She said with a sigh.

"I do not joke." He told her but she just mimicked his trademark eyebrow raise before speaking.

"Yes, you do. I need you to be honest with me for once and not hide behind Vulcan pretense. We have 52 minutes before we have to be on the bridge and I'm not letting you out of this elevator until you tell me why you ended our relationship. Several members of engineering love me and will do anything I ask, including making it so you can't run away from this conversation." He knows that to be the case. Spock is almost sure the chief engineer has a crush on her. He is not worried, because due to his position, he can override the program.

"Commander Override: beta seven sucrose twelve." Spock said quickly, refusing to tell her anything. If he were not Vulcan, he would smile in triumph as he said the code.

"Access denied. Medical override code in place." The computer replied. He stared that her for a moment with an unreadable expression upon his face, as she started to grin.

"It's not going to work. I also purposely made sure you would not have the resources to reprogram the elevator remotely. I made you leave your PADD behind for a reason. My IQ maybe a little bit lower than yours, but I'm still a genius. Start talking." She said looking at him with the type of resolve that he has only seen on his captain's face before.

"Some may consider this an act of insubordination." He said repressing the urge to sigh.

"Others may consider this an intervention. Why do you think the medical override code is in place? Dr. McCoy and the ship psychologist are just as worried about your health as I am. This isn't about you breaking up with me, but about you pushing everyone away. I'm probably the only person on the ship who realizes how distant you have been for the last eight weeks. Don't blame it on your genetic makeup because we both know that's not the case. I've known you for three years, even if you try to keep our relationship mostly to the classroom setting. I've never seen you like this before." Her words became faster, as if she was trying to fight off tears as she continued on.

"The only time you show anything other than complete disinterest is when you're fighting with Jim on the bridge. I could wrap my hand around your dick right now and your heart rate would not even increase. I know you wake up in the middle of the night screaming your mother's name. Maybe, I just want to know what the hell is going on with you." At that point, her frustration was just this evident, as the few tears running down her face.

"I have done no such thing after one of my dreams." He suddenly sees that mysterious smirk appear again on her face, that contrasted with her earlier tears. It is at that moment he remembered that Nyota minored in psychology during her undergraduate studies at the academy. She felt understanding why individuals behaved the way they did would enhance her ability to understand certain nuances of language. He wondered if it was more than that but he never asked her. Why did he have a feeling that she just set him up, beyond trapping him in this elevator?

"What are you dreaming about?" She asked eagerly.

"I prefer not to tell you." He said defiantly. Whatever she wanted, he would not give her. If he did not open up to her when they were 'dating', there is no way Spock would do it now.

"Find. Then why did you end our relationship?" Spock did not want to answer this question either but he felt he at least owed her an explanation in this regard.

"I do not feel anything." Spock told her looking at the wall.

"You were the one who told me that the thing about Vulcans feeling no emotions was a complete lie. I don't believe you. I know you feel emotions stronger than any being who is completely human ever could." She said giving him that resolved expression again.

"I do not feel anything at all. I have felt nearly nothing since the day I lost everything." He explained. "Not even when I was with you. I do not love you. I do not think I can love anyone anymore and it has nothing to do with my Vulcan heritage. It is not fair to you." He said quietly.

"I know." At that moment, Spock could not prevent the visible look of shock on his person.

"Remember, I am one of the smartest women that you know. I knew what I was doing the moment I kissed you for the first time. You are my friend and I just wanted to make the pain go away. You just seemed so lost in that moment that I had to kiss you so you wouldn't feel alone and knew somebody cared. Don't feel guilty because you accepted the comfort that I gave you willingly."

He thought back to why he initially thought James' letter was an elaborate joke. Apparently, Nyota was not really attracted to him, but merely saw sleeping with him as a best friend duty. She was most likely motivated by pity. That realization was painful and cemented in his mind that no one saw him as being attractive. Doubt crept back into his mind once more and he begin to wonder if certain passages in Jim's accidental e-mail really were in jest, even if the rest was authentic in nature.

"I do not feel guilty. Guilt is illogical because you cannot change the past." He said not looking at her.

"No more lying." She almost yelled at him. He could tell she was very angry by her expression.

"I feel guilty for many things." Including giving in to her, but he would not voice that a loud.

"Your mother's death?" She asked it more as a question than a statement of fact.

"I do not understand why you mention that." Spock said deliberately feigning ignorance.

"Do you blame yourself for her death?" She clarified in a calmer voice but he did not respond. He did not look at her.

"Your silence tells me everything I need to know. What happened was not your fault. Is that what you dream about?" Nyota asked cupping his cheek but he pulled away. Spock cannot deal with the emotions radiating from her touch. He felt a mixture of worry, frustration, sadness, and the pity that he has despised for most of his existence.

"I don't want to talk about the dreams." He said unable to keep the irritation out of his voice.

"That's fine." She said physically backing away. "I think that's enough for one day. We should probably go eat, because I know for a fact you skipped breakfast this morning and didn't eat anything last night except for a couple of bites of lettuce. Computer restart the elevator: Authorization Code beta nine Nairobi fifteen." The elevator started again on her command.

"We are still going to lunch together?" He asked in puzzlement.

"It's the only way I can be 100% sure that you're actually eating." She told him honestly with a sigh. Was this another example of her pitying him? He despised false pity. However, she seems sincere. He knew she was worried about him from their brief physical contact. Then again, she seems sincere when they began to engage in their sexual relationship eight weeks prior. He knew what she felt for him was not love, but he at least thought she cared.

"From what I understand of earth culture and customs most people do not eat lunch with their former boyfriend the day after the termination of their relationship." He told her still questioning her motivations.

"We weren't really dating, just sleeping together. It was a comfort thing. You just lost your mom and I lost almost all my friends. I don't leave my friends when they need me. I already buried too many people that I love and I'm not losing you too." From the look in her eyes, he knew she was being sincere.

"OK." He said in acquiescence, trusting her motivation.

"Although, is it OK if I don't tell certain people that we are no longer together? I really don't feel like dealing with ridiculous pickup lines from a certain captain during shift." She said as the elevator opened. The thought of James flirting with Nyota irritated Spock. This was not because of his brief sexual relationship with Nyota but because a part of Spock wished James would behave that way with him. He knew from the letter that James found Nyota attractive.

Spock did not question why he had no trouble believing what James said about Nyota, but could not bring himself to believe that James was attracted to him and actually wanted to kiss him. Even more than yesterday, Spock does not find himself an object of sexual desire.

He normally did not like lying but he agreed to do it in this case because he had no desire whatsoever to see Jim flirting with Nyota. The thought of the two in a relationship made him nauseous, which was unusual because Vulcans do not suffer from queasy stomachs. Actually, Spock had no desire to see James with anyone else but he would never tell Nyota such a thing.

"That is acceptable." Spock said walking out of the elevator, not really thinking about the fact that he was purposely trying to keep Jim from his almost ex-girlfriend because subconsciously he did not want Jim with anyone else.

As she stated earlier, Nyota did force him to eat and Spock did not fight her on that despite his complete lack of appetite. He wondered now, if she forced him to take her on so many "lunch dates" because she knew he would not consume anything otherwise. This led more credence to Spock's theory that she only dated him out of pity. At least, this time the pity came from a source other than his heritage. He should find solace in that at least.

Things were only mildly awkward as the two ate together in near silence until Nyota grabbed his hand when he mention that he prefers his mother's version of that particular Vulcan dish over anything that came from the replicator even though his mother wasn't that good at it. He'd rather have her attempts at Vulcan cuisine than anything that came out of the replicator just because that would mean she was still here. He quickly pulled his hand away from Nyota's as he raised one eyebrow in irritation.

"Sorry, it's normal for humans to offer their friends comfort by squeezing their hands or giving them a hug. It's not a sexual gesture. I just want to make you feel better." She said to him in a language that no one else in the cafeteria probably knew, in an effort to keep up the charade that they were still together.

"Okay, so most of the Vulcan dishes on the menu are out of the question but I am sure I can fine you something else on the menu that won't trigger a crying jag." She said and standard once more. He was tempted to tell her that he was not crying but decided against it.

"You're not going to starve. What about a nice simple grilled cheese?" She suggested.

"My mother used to make that for me when I was ill as a child." Spock said remembering all those times his mom would make him earth comfort food when he was sick. This was after her many failed attempts at homemade Vulcan cuisine, that occasionally let to appliances imploding. Because he was half-human he was more susceptible to common Vulcan viruses and was sick a lot as a child. Conversely, because he was half Vulcan most human viruses did not affect him.

"Sorry," she said with a sorrowful expression. He was starting to dislike that expression because he has seen it on so many faces recently. The only person who does not give him that expression is James and Spock appreciates that.

"Apologies are illogical." He said taking a drink of the only tea he could find that did not remind him of his mother.

"Yet, sometimes necessary." Nyota said taking another bite of her sandwich.

"It's okay. I still can't eat any of my favorite comfort foods from my childhood because of certain memories I associate with the cuisine." She said sympathetically but Spock did not understand the purpose of her earlier statement.

"I don't see how that is relevant. Both of your parents are still alive." This caused her to frown slightly.

"There are other types of loss. You're right, my parents are alive but the woman who raised me is not." Nyota said quietly.

"I do not understand." Spock said in slight confusion.

"You know that my parents were in Starfleet." Spock was aware of the fact but she did not allow him time to comment. "After our favorite captain was born in space, certain Starfleet officials use the incident to reinforce regulations against children living in space. Some idiot argued that if George Kirk wasn't worried about his child the outcome would've been more favorable." Spock heard the argument before. Spock personally believes that if it was not for Jim's existence, George Kirk would not have tried to save 800 people.

"Before then, there were still exceptions to the rules that allowed children to come with their parents on certain types of missions." Nyota continued on without pausing. "When my parents were out there seeing the universe, I was stuck living with my grandmother in Pretoria. This is also why I ended up an only child." He could detect the sadness in her voice as she said the words.

"How is that relevant?" He asked her not seeing a connection.

"I guess they didn't want to leave another child behind. I loved living with my grandmother. She is the reason why I went into the communication track. She was a language professor at one of the university's there. I called her Professor Uhura because we have the same first name and she didn't think of herself as anybody's grandmother." Nyota said with a tiny laughed before continuing. Even though they were together sexually, she never told him this before.

"I think she knew your mom because she was also part of the team that would help develop a better version of the Universal Translator 30 years ago."

"Perhaps, but my mother left the project abruptly due to her relationship with my father." At that moment, Spock remembered Amanda writing about how much she missed certain parts of her old life in her letters to Sarek.

"I loved my time with her, than it ended abruptly. When I was 13, I stopped by her office just after my special language classes at the university. I should've known something was wrong when I opened the door and she didn't run up and hugged me like she normally did. I found her lying down on her couch not breathing. I tried to revive her, but it was already too late. It was a brain aneurysm." Nyota said playing with the remnants of her food. He stayed silent for a moment not knowing how to respond to her. "Trust me Spock, I know what you're going through more than you think. The only person who probably can relate more is the captain because your parents were killed by the same person." She said not looking at him. "Unfortunately, that is true." Spock said realizing how much he and James had in common due to unfortunate circumstances involving time traveling Romulans.

"Maybe, you should talk to him since you obviously don't want to open up to me, even though we have known each other for three years. I think it would be good if you shared what you're going through with somebody who could empathize with you." Spock was surprised by Nyota's suggestion, considering her statement earlier.

"Vulcans don't share." Spock replied quickly in a clipped voice. "I thought you did not want the two of us to spend extra time together. I was under the impression you disliked him." On more than one occasion, Nyota arrive during his office hours complaining about the infuriating blue-eyed cadet that flirted with her constantly. He did not break his fork at that moment due to jealousy on his part over the memory. Vulcans do not become jealous.

"I don't hate him. I'm even starting to respect him a little bit after he and you teamed up to keep Earth from being destroyed by a extremely insane Romulan. I just don't want to date him. He's just not my type. I also don't go out with guys who tried to sleep with me and my now deceased friend Marc on the same night, on principle alone."

Another reason why Spock is still uncertain about the legitimacy of James' letter was that he was under the impression that his captain was solely heterosexual. However, Nyota's statement proved his hypothesis to be false. He should know better than to assume such things. Most people assume the same of him given the fact that he was engaged to a female Vulcan and so far he has only engaged in sexual intercourse with one female. Again, such an assumption would be erroneous.

"I don't want you to accidentally kill him. Due to your little argument 1.5 hours ago, I felt it was best to keep you two separated until you both start acting your age. I can already tell that you two are too much alike for my personal sanity. You may actually get along, if you did not antagonize him so much. Maybe, commiserating over shared tragedy could be a starting point." She said with another sigh.

"I am unsure of that." He mumbled under his breath before he continued. "I am not antagonizing him."

"I did not think Vulcans became defensive." She said getting up from the table. "I'm going to head back to the bridge early."

"That is acceptable." He said letting her go.

The second half of the shift was uneventful as he managed not to verbally criticized the captain every time he did something out of the ordinary. Spock considered this progress. However, after shift he and James got into another argument about the sheer volume of messages Spock sent during the course of that afternoon. He wondered if Nyota was right about him antagonizing Jim.

The evening hours were spent as listless as the night before except without the extra emotions triggered by the termination of his relationship with Nyota. His meditation was only slightly more productive than previous. Of course, the message in his inbox from his father inquiring why he wanted to contact Elder Selek, brought with it a certain level of drama all its own. He decided to tell his father that he wished to speak with Elder Selek for personal reasons withholding any mention of James' letter. However, at the last moment Spock decided to ask his father if he was aware of the letters that Amanda wrote to him that he was never suppose to see.

If Spock was disappointed that he did not receive another letter from James before he went to bed, he said nothing of it.


	15. Beautiful Chapter 3: I Am Sorry for Many Things, Even If I Find Apologies Illogical. Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Francesca Monterone for reviewing this chapter and Kumada for reviewing the earlier chapters. All remaining mistakes are mine or the voice recognition software's.
> 
> This chapter coincides with the events that occur before the second letter and Spock's reaction to the second letter.
> 
> Warning: sexual content

The next day Spock continued his effort to try to improve his working relationship with James. He only sent him suggestions when it was absolutely necessary, resulting in only sending 16 messages compared to 117 the previous day. He also felt it was best not to inform Jim that it was part of his duties to read over Jim's personal reports before they arrived at Starfleet. He would not tell Jim about the grammar corrections he made or his decision to delete certain passages that presented Federation allies in a bad light.

Spock knew that Jim would see this as Spock not trusting him when in reality he was just trying to make Jim's workload lighter. There was no point in the captain misusing time proofreading his own work, when Spock could do it for him at a much more efficient speed. If Spock had told James it was normal for all first officers to look over their captains reports and other correspondence he was sure the phrase 'I am not most captains,' would have fallen from James' lips. Apparently, Spock's strategy worked and there were no major altercations that morning except for a tiny incident before shift.

When James invited him to lunch that day, Spock accepted. It was a fascinating experience. He enjoyed Jim's enthusiastic response when he discussed his work in the science department, including his supplemental work involving crossbreeding native Vulcan plant samples with earth species that had similar genetic structures. The fact that Jim's interest was genuine was refreshing. Normally, Spock found a person asking many questions frustrating but with James, it was wonderful to see him so interested in his research project. Nyota never displayed that type of interest or enthusiasm, unless it involved linguistics. She was intelligent enough to understand what he was talking about but genetic engineering was not an area of interest for her. Her expertise lay in deciphering languages and understanding why individuals behaved the way they did.

During lunch, Spock found Jim's presence soothing and this allowed him to relax as much as he would allow himself to do so. He almost felt like his old self again in Jim's presence. For a moment, he could forget about dead mothers and destroyed planets. He was no longer a guilty survivor of the worst catastrophe in Federation history but just Spock having lunch with somebody that he wanted to understand more. Spock became so lost in the conversation that he did not realize he completed the meal he was being forced to eat by a certain overbearing medical professional who was watching from two tables away.

After he had skipped dinner yesterday and breakfast that morning, his former girlfriend had brought it to Dr. McCoy's attention that he was missing 83.2% of all meals. Add this to the fact that he has lost 8.3 kilos in eight weeks, the doctor believed it was best to put him on a special diet. In Jim's company, Spock found he did not mind the additional dietary requirements.

The more time he spent with James, the more he realized his letter from two days previously was authentic, including the more sexually charged passages. It became obvious when Jim started flirting with him and Spock caught him staring at his backside 33.2% of the time on the bridge. The thing that made Spock completely believe his Captain James Tiberius Kirk was sexually attracted to him, despite the fact that Spock did not see himself as an object of sexual desire, was when James intentionally stroked his fingers when he handed Spock a PADD on the bridge. The gesture itself was an obvious sexual overture. The lust and desire that he felt was enough to make him pull away with a bewildered expression. Spock blamed his inability to meditate for his subpar shields and allowing himself to physically express his confusion and bewilderment regarding the contact.

He did not verbally chastise Jim for the contact because it was wanted and no one else on the bridge, besides Nyota, was aware of the sexual nature of direct hand-to-hand contact with a Vulcan. Even she would not say anything regarding the touch. Most likely, she would see it as accidental contact just like a few hours later when she accidentally touched his hand while handing him the stylus that he dropped.

Spock did not accidentally drop said stylus in response to a female Ensign who appeared on the bridge neared the end of shift with an extremely flimsy excuse than started blatantly flirting with the captain. Spock's irritation with the situation had nothing to do with being jealous, if he allowed himself to feel such irritation in the first place. Her presence was merely disruptive to the work environment on the bridge. She could have just as easily e-mail the document for the captain's consideration. Vulcans do not become jealous and therefore his subsequent reaction was not triggered by such an illogical emotion that he does not possess.

If what he had felt from Jim hours earlier was not enough for Spock to believe that Jim was sexually attracted to him, Jim's upset expression and the sound of a stylus breaking when Jim saw Nyota touch his hand unintentionally was further confirmation of the obvious. The fact that James was not paying attention to the inappropriately dressed Ensign was also evidence of the fact that Jim Kirk was interested in him.

This led to an interesting predicament, now that he knew his captain was sexually attracted to him, what was he going to do about it? More importantly, now that he knew that the letter from earlier was completely authentic, how should he handle the situation? Spock did not have time to meditate on these matters due to his next ill-advised course of action that triggered an incident on the bridge.

There were several reasons why Spock responded to Nyota with unnecessary harshness. First, he was upset that Jim did not verbally chastise the ensign for her inappropriate behavior and Spock felt it was necessary to provide an example of appropriate decorum on the bridge. Therefore, instead of lashing out at the person whose behavior was completely unacceptable, and who therefore deserved such a reprimand, he focused his frustration on Nyota. Perhaps, Spock was still slightly upset that Nyota only slept with him because she thought it was a part of her best friend duties but that was irrelevant, because Vulcans do not become upset.

Second, even though he was uncertain about what to do regarding Jim's sexual attraction to him he wanted to tell Jim in a subtle way that he enjoyed Jim's touch when others were not as welcome. As illogical as it sounded, he desired Jim to know that he was special to Spock.

Of course, this strategy backfired resulting in more arguing and screaming on Jim's part. Spock appreciated the irony that Jim was counseling him about not harshly chastising crewmembers in public when James was doing exactly what he told Spock not to do. He also found Jim's comments regarding the fact that Spock would not be having sexual intercourse with the lieutenant that night, highly inappropriate. Of course, he did not miss Jim's smile as he said the words. Spock was sure his captain was happy at that thought for reasons that only Spock understood.

The most recent altercation with James on the bridge made it difficult for him to concentrate. After shift, he spent 2 hours in the lab working on various projects. He did not essentially lock himself in his lab solely for the purposes of avoiding his very confusing captain and his overprotective former girlfriend, that had appointed herself as his own personal baby sitter. He had several experiments that he needed to work on.

That work was not proceeding as efficiently as it should because his concentration was diminished by 17.8%, due to the fact he kept thinking about James and the argument that occurred 3.3 hours earlier. At that point, he left his work behind to try meditating on the day's events.

His efforts at meditation were once again futile. His mind was too erratic with James-centered thoughts. He could not find his center. After an hour of desperately trying to reorganize his mind, he gave up.

He knew he needed to eat something if he did not want to deal with an overprotective country doctor or an even more overprotective ex girlfriend beating down his door. He knew that the various replicators were now programmed to notify the medical staff if he was skipping any more meals or if he tried to reprogram the devices not to make such a report. Spock chose one of the few meal replacement bars without chocolate and a bowl of fruit. He really did not have the energy for more than that. It really did not matter, because due to his Vulcan senses, most replicated food tasted like cardboard anyway. The lack of taste just gave him another reason not to eat.

After grabbing the food from his personal replicator, Spock sat down, with PADD in hand, to read his afternoon messages. Most of the messages were work related, except for a few. Nyota said she would be upset by his behavior on the bridge, if it were not for the fact she was happy that he was reacting at all to anything. After 20 minutes, two messages remained unopened. One was from his captain and the other was from his father.

Spock was apprehensive about opening either for various reasons. He decided to open James' message first because the subject line of 'I apologize for behaving inappropriately' sounded much less ominous than 'We must discuss options in regards to finding you a new mate.' In addition, Jim's choice of subject line seemed more like the usual e-mails that Jim sent regularly and not like the one he had accidentally received the day before. Even though he knew the message was genuine, he still was uncertain of how he had received it. Spock pushed the thought out of his mind as he read the new e-mail.

\-----

 **From:** KirkJT

 **To:** SpockX

 **Subject:** I apologize for behaving inappropriately

 **Time send:** 6/14/2258 21:13:45

I was going to do this apology in person tomorrow morning but I did not want to go through the entire 'apologies are illogical' speech again, so I thought I would do it in an e-mail. I heard it's bad to go to bed angry, so I probably should do this now. (Don't tell me you don't get angry, Spock, because we both know otherwise.)

I'm sorry for my inappropriate behavior on the bridge this afternoon. I chastised you for counseling your girlfriend for doing something she should not have done on duty, when by yelling at you myself, I was doing exactly what I told you not to do. I was being a hypocrite and setting a bad example for everyone. My behavior was unacceptable and I will try not to do it again.

Are you aware that crewmembers are betting on when we will kill each other? This is probably occurring because of incidents like what happened on the bridge this afternoon. I don't think that's good for crew morale. We really need to work on not yelling at each other in public.

To make it up to you, do you want to have breakfast tomorrow to talk about our upcoming mission? I realize it's essentially a simple diplomatic mission but I really would like to discuss everything with you beforehand. This would give us an opportunity to work on developing a better working relationship. I think we get along better when food is involved and we are not on the bridge. I finally finished reprogramming replicator four to make croissants that actually taste like croissants. If you asked nicely, I may even try for edible strawberries and melon. Except for this afternoon, I notice that you barely eat anything. You skipped the cafeteria completely tonight. Maybe better tasting food would help.

\-------

Spock instantly knew this message was different from the e-mail he had received at midnight the day before. It was a normal work related e-mail, albeit a little bit longer than usual. Even though the apology was sincere, this message was much more guarded, as if James was afraid to let him see too much. The lack of profanity was also a major indicator that this was a different type of letter.

Although, Spock took great pleasure in the fact that even though they had been bickering with each other, Jim actually noticed that the subpar quality of replicated food was contributing to his lack of eating. No one else noticed that.

Unlike last time, Spock chose to respond. Then again, his decision to respond might have had something to do with the fact he did not want to open his father's e-mail and was delaying the unavoidable.

\-----

 **From:** SpockX

 **To:** KirkJT

 **Subject:** Re: I apologize for behaving inappropriately

 **Time send:** 6/14/2258 21:38:22

Although, I maintain that apologies are illogical, I have been instructed that they are necessary to foster better working relationships. I do find it disturbing that our fellow crewmembers are wagering on when any crewmember will kill off a superior officer. Such behavior is distasteful at the very least. I find it even more distasteful that we have given these individuals cause to make such wagers. This is a situation we must rectify.

I apologize for my actions on the bridge this afternoon. I should have counseled the lieutenant or anyone else who behaves inappropriately in private. I will try to keep this in mind in the future.

I would cite that reprogramming the food replicators is against several regulations but even I find the food distasteful enough to see the necessity of it. I am willing to have breakfast with you solely to find out if you were able to do what a team of Starfleet engineers could not. I look forward to eating edible fruit.

 

He was half tempted to add 'with you' to the end of that last sentence, but decided against it. He also chose not to mention the fact that he was also aware that crewmembers were betting on when they would 'sleep together'. Spock quickly sent the message before he could change his mind.

Spock then sent an e-mail to a certain ensign's supervisor regarding this afternoon's incident and suggest the supervisor watch this particular individual more closely and to reprimand her for her inappropriate wardrobe. Her skirt was at least 7 cm higher than the regulation uniform length. It was also so tight that there was a 42.2% probability that if she bent over too quickly the garment would rip, revealing her most likely surgically enhanced cleavage.

Just as he was about to open his father's message he received another message from Jim. Spock did not almost smile when he read the reply. That would have been inappropriate.

 

 **From:** KirkJT

 **To:** SpockX

 **Subject:** Re: I apologize for behaving inappropriately

 **Time send:** 6/14/2258 21:46:09

I can reprogram the food replicators in about 20 minutes, now that I figured out what the problem was. Thank you for giving me something to do other than reading this boring pre-mission brief.

Who wrote this paper? There is too much useless information in it. All I really want to know is why Starfleet is making us make nice with this planet when there are other more crucial things that Starfleet's flagship could be doing. The information about their delithium deposits and the planets strategically important location is not even mentioned until page six. Can I impose a three-page limit for briefing papers?

I'll meet you in the cafeteria at 600 hours.

Pleasant dreams.

 

After reading the short message, Spock sent a quick reply indicating that he would meet the captain at the desired time and they could discuss creating guidelines for briefing papers at that time. Spock personally preferred longer papers but not everybody could read and comprehend a 10-page document in 60 seconds.

Because he was in a better state of mind now, he decided to try meditating again. This was not an excuse to delay reading his father's message, but rather a necessary step to prepare for reading his father's message that would most likely contain criticism and thinly veiled irritation regarding Spock's decision to stay in Starfleet.

Much to his surprise, this session went much better than previous attempts. Although, it might have had something to do it the fact that he did not fight his thoughts regarding James but rather focus on them. He really should not have been surprised .The man had the uncanny ability to alter his mood in ways that no one else could. The positive e-mail exchange had calmed his mind after what had happened earlier. Focusing on James, allowed his mind to settle and reached a true meditative state for the first time in 8.3 weeks. He ended the session 2 hours later, in a much more peaceful state than he had been since his mother's death.

It was a few minutes before midnight when he picked up his PADD again to finally face his father's message. It was exactly what he had been expecting, constant chastisement under the pretense of fatherly concern. The first two paragraphs stressed the need for Spock to return to the colony once it was establish to choose a mate and to fulfill his obligation to his people. Spock wondered if his father was aware that his natural tone seemed overly condescending.

The next three paragraphs outlined the benefits of having a partner. Spock did not know what he found more surprising, the fact that his father actually mentioned companionship and the possible love of a partner as an actual benefit or that his father made multiple passing references to Pon Farr in an unencrypted message, that would possibly at some point end up in Starfleet's e-mail archives. Spock had to suppress the urge to roll his eyes for those reasons alone.

Despite his desire to delete the E-mail without finishing, he read to the end and was glad he did. His father actually answered his question from the night before. "Yes, I was aware of your mother's unusual practice of writing letters that she never intended for me to actually read as a form of stress relief. It is very difficult to hide anything from one's true bond mate." His father then continued on his 'why I think you should get bonded now' e-mail with a few examples from his own marriage. At least, Spock found this part of the letter comforting, instead of condescending. He enjoyed his father sharing memories of Amanda with him.

Because he was unsure how to respond without starting some sort of argument, Spock was just about to delete the e-mail without replying when another message arrived in his inbox. This message from James began with a similar subject line to the one earlier. However, "Sorry about the new bridge thing." seemed slightly more open than "I apologize for behaving inappropriately". For a moment he wondered why James was apologizing again for something he had already apologized for hours earlier. The subject line also seemed reminiscent of the subject line of the message that he knew he should not have received 48:01:03 ago. Yet, Spock felt compelled to read the message.

Spock instantly knew this was another example of writing therapy that he was never meant to see. The letter was so much more open than the messages from earlier. Jim was willing to discuss everything from his overreaction on the bridge, after Spock used his former girlfriend as a substitute for the true object of his frustrations, to Jim's continued annoyance over what he perceived as constant criticism.

It was obvious that this message had been written before the earlier e-mail that Spock received because it ended with Jim stating that he would discuss the issue of improper betting among crewmembers with Spock in the morning. Instead, Jim must have changed his mind and decided to do it earlier in a message that James intended Spock to actually read.

Spock did not drop his PADD this time after slowly reading James' message filled with lust and longing, underneath the apologies and frustration. Of course, he did not drop his PADD this time because he was already well aware of James' sexual attraction, even if Spock tried not to think about it. During his first attempt at meditation this evening, his mind chose to focus on Jim's desire, as much as Spock tried to avoid any thoughts on that matter. That was the real reason why the session was so futile.

If he had not been Vulcan, Spock would have found Jim trying to deny that he wanted to kiss him amusing. Of course, finding amusement in such denial would have been hypocritical because Spock wondered if he was in the same state.

Spock was already well aware of Jim subconscious 'longing' in part because of the images that had popped into his head when Jim had accidentally made contact with his hand earlier that day. If Spock was disappointed to learn that the contact was accidental, instead of an intentional sexual overture, he said nothing. At least, he found solace in the fact that Jim assumed Nyota's touch was intentional and was very displeased with such a show of affection between the supposed couple. Spock was also reassured by the fact that Jim felt no need whatsoever to mention a certain ensign that kept throwing herself at the captain in such an overt and inappropriate way.

For now, Spock told himself that James found everybody sexually attractive. Of course, the fact that Jim had completely ignored the advances of the young ensign on the bridge that afternoon and had done so previously, invalidated Spock's theory but he chose to ignore the information. It is easier to accept that version of truth than to deal with the fact that his captain was really sexually attracted to him. Spock would not allow himself to consider the possibility of it being more than his normal lust. If he considered the fact that James craved his acceptance and attention just as much as any possible sexual favor than Spock would have to accept that this was more than mere sexual attraction.

He could not deal with it being more than lust. Although, Spock found James very aesthetically pleasing, in his current emotional state, starting any type of physical relationship would have been ill advised. An emotional relationship would have been almost impossible for reasons other than heritage. Spock knew he was still too damaged from losing his mother and most of his species to even consider anything beyond the carnal. He had terminated his sexual relationship with Nyota because he could not love her before he found out that she was only with him out of some weird mix of pity and friendship. Not even knowing that she was a willing participant despite knowing the truth, had made it any easier on him. He could not do that to James. He could not risk hurting him that way.

He did not want his new relationship with James' to become even more strained because of a botched sexual relationship. Even though he had had lunch with Nyota the day before, their relationship was not the same. He did not need to make physical contact with her to know that their interactions were strained. It felt like she was spending time with him because she saw it as her duty. Spock did not want to risk the possibility of a supposedly life altering friendship with his captain for a fleeting sexual encounter. It would be best to ignore the obviously mutual sexual attraction.

According to the second letter, Jim still believed that Spock was in a relationship with the lieutenant. If Spock was secretly pleased that Jim was jealous of this fact and wished for a speedy breakup, he refused to admit it to himself. However, it already seemed that Jim had no plans to hasten the demise of his perceived romantic relationship with Nyota. Spock already knew that Jim was not the type of person to confiscate somebody else's lover. It was obvious to Spock that as long as Jim assumed he was still with Nyota, Spock could avoid addressing the issue of their mutual attraction altogether and focus on building their friendship.

Although, Spock was never supposed to see these messages, he saw it in much the same way he saw the letters he had 'accidentally' read from his mother as a child. This was a precious insight into James' mind and it would be remiss of Spock not to utilize every resource available in cultivating his friendship with James. If nothing else, they needed to be civil with each other for the sake of the ship. It was already apparent that the current behavior was causing some damage.

From his observations and what he read, the biggest obstacle was Jim's assumption that Spock despised him and saw him as incompetent. Even after only knowing each other for two months, Spock already respected James in a way that took most other individuals years to earn. Spock needed to discover the best way to improve his relationship with Jim, because he obviously was not able to do this on his own.

That was apparent from events over the last two days. Spock limiting his suggestions to e-mail messages did not seem to make the situation any less tense. Yes, he did send multiple messages every time Jim referred to someone on the bridge by their first name except when Jim used his own name. Spock realized that maybe Jim had a point about fostering a sense of familiarity and community among the ranks.

However, Jim was completely wrong in assuming that Spock merely suggested certain things because he expected Jim to do things exactly by the book or as his predecessor had. James was a unique individual. Spock was already aware that Jim would do anything to protect his crew, by whatever means necessary.

Until he read James' accusation, it had not even crossed his mind that his actions could be perceived as constantly comparing his current captain to Captain Pike or to the concept of the ideal captain. Spock was already well aware that James was completely different from anyone else he has ever encountered before. He found this fascinating. Spock knew what it was like to be compared to an idea that you could never attain. He would never consciously do that to another person including James.

Than, Spock thought back to his father's e-mail from earlier. Sarek probably was not aware that his statements that started with things like it is 'traditional for Vulcans to do' this or 'most Vulcans do' that made Spock feel like he was being compared to some grand standard that he could never measure up to. After spending time with his father as an adult, Spock realized that might not necessarily have been the case but that was usually the impression he received. Could this be what was happening with James?

He could have once again verbally reassured Jim that he did not hate him or see him as less than now Admiral Pike. Yet, Spock doubted that James would see any value in the words. Spock never accepted his father's words at face value, so he doubted that James would. It was obvious that James believed actions spoke louder than words, as was the colloquialism. Spock would have to show James that he did respect his commanding officer and appreciated his ability to think outside normal parameters.

Although, Spock cherished this additional insight into James' mind, the appearance of the second letter that was obviously meant to be a private venting session presented Spock with a quandary of sorts. Should he tell Jim about the fact that he had received these two letters or should he stay silent on the matter?

If he told Jim about accidentally receiving the very private letters, it could do irrevocable damage to their already fragile relationship. Jim would obviously be embarrassed about the sexual content in the letters in addition to all the other things Jim did not want to tell him. This discussion could lead to having to talk about those desires and Spock wanted to avoid that discussion at all cost. Spock also was not looking forward to Jim's reaction when he found out that the other Spock had lied to him. He does not want to be present for that discovery. In addition, if Jim did not know that he read the letters it would be easier for Spock to work on cultivating a better working relationship if not friendship with James.

Of course, this could backfire like other attempts. If Jim would accidentally discover that Spock had access to his private thoughts and did not tell him immediately, that could cause more strain to their delicate relationship. At this point, James might even accuse him of breaking into his personal files for some malicious reason. Because Spock could still not explain how he had received the files, maybe it would be best if he kept silent on the matter until he found a solution. Spock quickly realized that he was at an impasse.

Although he no longer needed to contact his counterpart to validate the authenticity of Jim's first letter, Spock considered asking him for his advice regarding the current predicament. If Jim utilized this particular venting technique in this dimension, than maybe he had done the same in the other dimension. Maybe his other self had ended up in a similar quandary at some point. His father had included the contact information in his last message. Of course, it was under the caveat of suggesting that Spock speak with his counterpart about how not having a proper 'partner' at the time of his 'fourth time' had almost proved deadly to Selek and his first 'true bond mate'. Spock decided not to question the fact his father used that term 'partner' and not 'wife', because if Selek was another version of himself then Selek's first 'true bond mate' was most likely male. For some reason, Spock was 95.3% certain that the other James had been Selek's first partner. Because Spock wanted to avoid confirmation that he and James had really been lovers in another dimension, he decided against getting any guidance from his other self.

Than Spock remembered his father's words from earlier. If his father knew about the letters that Amanda wrote, did he ever accidentally read one? Knowing about her practice had he ever been tempted to look at these letters? Spock remembered that the letters had never been very well hidden. If he had read one of the letters, what had Sarek done with that knowledge? Although, Spock was uncomfortable with communicating with his father it seemed the only logical solution. His father probably understood exactly what he was going through. Before he had time to change his mind, Spock quickly sent his father a message asking for his opinion on the situation without mentioning any specifics.

Between the meditation, tomorrow's breakfast plans, and reading another letter that Spock knew he was never supposed to read, sleep came easier than it had in weeks that night. Unfortunately, dreams of that unforgettable day did not stay away.

He was on the bridge hours after he had watched his planet be destroyed and his decision to send Jim away because he could not process the emotions triggered by the striking cadet. Somehow, James was back on the ship. This infuriated him not only because of the cadet's flippant attitude but he secretly desired for the striking blue-eyed young man to return.

The man's accusations infuriated him. He could love more than any other human could. His feelings were conflicted. Spock envisioned choking the life out of the beautiful yet infuriating young man. At the same time, another part of Spock wanted to taste the lips of the cadet in front of him. Spock desired to have him hard underneath him, panting and screaming his name. He longed to bend him over the console, to make Jim his. Spock could feel his body react to the carnal thoughts, even if his dream self was still sexually inexperienced at the time.

His mind chose the latter, as he penned the blue-eyed cadet up against the console and inserted his knee between James' legs. Their mouths quickly fused as he felt James hard against him. Unlike when this incident had happened in real life, the bridge was completely devoid of life except each other. Spock enjoyed the delicious friction as he gave in to James completely. James made his control slip in a way no one else could. The kissing and touching continued until Spock felt as if he was seconds from reaching climax… than he heard Jim's voice.

"I know you can love, because you love me. You may not love me completely yet, but you will." At the words, Spock awoke in his bed covered in sweat and showing visible signs of arousal. He blamed Nyota for putting ideas in his mind.

**To be continued.**


	16. Beautiful Chapter 4: How was I Supposed to Know That This Would Become So Complicated, So Quickly? Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place between the second letter and the third letter. I was going to include Spock's reaction to the third letter but I felt that deserves its own chapter because it was just too special to include.
> 
> Thank you to Merklin for reviewing this chapter. All remaining mistakes are mine or the voice recognition software's.

 

* * *

****

A quick sonic shower and an hour of meditation was what he needed to forget about the sexually explicit dream that almost made him wish for the dreams about saving his mother. Of course, neither of those things actually worked, like most things in his life recently. Spock does not want to think about the fact that it took nearly 98.3% more time than usual to mentally will away any outward signs of arousal. Nor does he want to discuss his eventual decision to handle the situation manually, for the sake of time. He just hopes that the individual in the neighboring cabin was still asleep, even if he knew there was only a 12.3% chance of that being the case.

The dream did not mean anything. This was not his subconscious trying to tell him anything of importance. You cannot fall in love with someone in such a short amount of time. From his studies, Spock was aware that Human males occasionally have dreams of a sexual nature and react physically to such stimuli. Therefore, it was perfectly natural for him to have an erotic dream because he was half-human. His reaction was within normal parameters.

The subject of the dream was also of no importance. His mind probably chose that particular incident due to yesterday's events. Spock did not want to reflect on the fact that similar thoughts ran through his mind when that particular situation occurred in real life. Nor did he want to discuss what dream Jim said to him. His words were not a manifestation of his subconscious feelings regarding his captain.

He did not love James Kirk. He found James infuriating. He found James intriguing and fascinating. That was not love. Love was impossible at this juncture, if it were possible at all.

Unfortunately, the words and the visuals from the dream were what his mind chose to focus on during meditation—or, at least his attempts at meditation. After fighting that particular train of thought during meditation for 7.2 minutes Spock gave into his more basic impulses. He refuses to admit to anything else he gave into.

92.3 minutes after he woke up after the dream, Spock was ready to have breakfast with the subject when he heard his door signal. Part of him knew Jim would not just wait for him in the cafeteria, and therefore, he assumed it was James at his door. Instead, it was Nyota standing in front of him with hands on hips. He was not disappointed that James was not the person at the door. Disappointment is illogical.

"Why are you here 63.2 minutes before Alpha shift?" Spock asked as he allowed her to walk into his quarters.

"You can't say hi first?" She said, walking past him slightly annoyed.

"That would be superfluous." Spock responded.

"Of course," she said with a sigh before continuing." Part of the reason that I'm here so early is to read you the riot act for acting like a complete idiot on the bridge yesterday. You know what I mean, so don't even pretend. I don't want to deal with silly questions right now." Nyota preempted Spock before he could say anything.

"You know that I was not trying to molest you on the bridge. You did not even freak out that badly when Cadet Rodriguez hugged you after she got a perfect score on her Klingon exam in front of all 72 of your students." Nyota said, giving him a frosty look as she called him out on his earlier behavior. He should be happy that she chose to do this in private.

"I understood the cadet's enthusiasm; therefore, it would have been inappropriate to reprimand her." He said defensively before continuing." You mentioned this in your e-mail yesterday. I do not see the point of coming to say this in person." He wanted this conversation to end as quickly as possible so he could meet James in the cafeteria in 1.3 minutes as agreed upon.

"You did not respond. Therefore, I'm forcing you to explain why you acted like a complete idiot over breakfast." Nyota said as she grabbed him by the wrist, practically dragging him out of his quarters.

"I was planning to respond this morning but you interrupted me." Spock said, pulling away. It was not a lie because such an action was still probable, even if he had no intention to do such a thing.

"A likely story," Nyota responded with an eye roll."You were understanding with her; yet, you completely freaked out on me yesterday. The only logical explanation I can think of for your highly illogical behavior is you really wanted to yell at the captain for doing the same thing earlier and you used me as a substitute because you could never do that to him now that you are consciously trying not to." Her theory was close to the truth, except the captain was not the focus of his irritation. He could not tell her that, especially in light of the fact that they only ended their romantic acquaintance three days previously, even if Nyota only saw it as nothing more than friends with benefits.

"Possibly," he responded not looking at her. Again, it was not a lie because it was somewhat true.

"Why am I not surprised?" Nyota said with a sigh."Whatever is going on between you and him needs to end now before somebody ends up dead. It's not even normal arguing; this is grade school stuff. If I didn't know any better I would think I was watching the grownup equivalent of pulling pigtails on the playground." Nyota laughed for a moment before her eyes became wide and her mouth opened to say something but then she stopped herself. At that moment, James arrived, cutting through the joined bathroom; instead of going through the hallway, like a sane person, or actually meeting Spock in the cafeteria as originally planned. Then again, he has been questioning Jim Kirk's sanity since the beginning.

"Spock are you ready for breakf…" Jim breaks off as he notices Nyota in his quarters." Oh, wait, you have company. I'll come back later."

"That is not necessary, Captain. The lieutenant came by to discuss yesterday's incident." Spock said using her rank instead of her name to give the appearance of pure professionalism.

"I assume he is still on punishment?" James asked her. He almost seemed happy at the thought, but then again he probably was. Of course, at that moment Spock was remembering the feel of James' lips in his dream and was therefore only paying half his normal attention to the conversation.

"For the foreseeable future. I was going to make Spock take me to breakfast but I see he already has plans." Nyota responded with a smile.

"That's okay. We were just going to talk about today's mission. We can do that later. I'm sure you'd rather have breakfast with your girlfriend." James said, walking towards the bathroom door.

"Ship stuff comes first. Just promise me he will eat something other than a few pieces of fruit." Nyota said with a slight smile.

"That, I can do." Jim said with a slight yawn.

"You're probably going to need all the help you can get with not offending anyone." Nyota said as she walked towards the door.

"I did great during our first babysitting photo op for Starfleet, what went wrong with the next one was so not my fault. I will have you know that I've read the entire briefing paper last night." James said defensively. It is as if he thinks everybody is questioning his abilities.

"Even I didn't read the entire paper; it was 65 pages long with attachments. I just read the language and culture stuff." Even Spock could detect shock in Nyota's voice.

"I don't blame you. We are so putting a page limit on briefing papers. Really, I didn't need to know that they butter their bread on the bottom. No war has ever been started over such a silly thing." Nyota instantly smiled at the captain's words.

"Outside Dr. Seuss, of course. I loved that book as a child," Nyota added. Spock was very familiar with the book; it was one of the few Earth children's books that he enjoyed, due to the use of allegory and the allusions to the political climate during 20th-century Earth. His mother read him that story for the first time when he was 3 years old and suffered through his first day of school as the ‘half-breed disgrace’.

"Dr. Seuss? He's the guy who did the  _Cat in the Hat_  books?" Jim asked resulting in him getting a very strange look from Nyota.

"How can you not be familiar with the  _Butter Battle_  book? My grandmother read that book to me a dozen times, when I was a kid." She asked incredulously. He has heard that tone before when he has not picked up on some obvious cultural reference.

"The book is probably 300 years old; not everybody is familiar with all the classics. I personally prefer Shakespeare and Langston Hughes. Also, not all of us had loving parents or grandparents that read us stories and tucked us in every night. I'm sure Spock doesn't know anything about it either." James responded as he crossed his hands over his chest.

Again, James sounded almost defensive. From what he already knew, James did not have a childhood filled with grilled cheese sandwiches and his mother reading antiquated stories about the stupidity of despising someone over slight differences. A quick glance at Winona Kirk's service record quickly told Spock that she spent most of Jim's life in space until he was 14 and her oldest child was murdered on Tarsus. From what he read about Mr. Jones, Spock doubted he was the nurturing type.

"I'm very familiar with the book. I had students translate that into Klingon in one of my language classes." If he were alone with James, he probably would have mentioned that his mother read a hard copy version of the book to him as a child. However, he felt uncomfortable sharing this information with Nyota as well.

"I remember that. It was the only easy assignment that entire semester." Nyota added just as she was about to leave.

"You can join us, if you want. It would be good to have a second opinion." James offered calmly.

"It's too early in the morning to be a third wheel." Nyota said as she walked into the hallway. Spock was unsure of what that particular analogy meant in this specific context.

"I thought I would be the third wheel?" James said jokingly as he walked over to Spock.

"That's what I originally thought. Maybe the rumors are not that out there." Nyota said cryptically. "I will see you on the bridge." With that, she was out the door and down the hall.

"Are you ready to go now or do you need a few minutes? You may want to bring your PADD. Nobody goes to the officer's dining hall for breakfast, so we can talk specifics." James said quickly.

"I am ready to depart." Spock said as he walked back to get his PADD. He quickly moved the e-mail he was not supposed to receive to a special folder that would instantly encrypt any file put inside. He knew James would grab his PADD at some point during the breakfast discussion. It would be problematic, to say the least, if James accidentally came across that letter. Spock was even more confused about how to handle the accidental letters than the night before thanks to a certain dream that he did not want to address.

"That's good. I promised your girlfriend that you will eat something this morning." Jim said stifling another yawn.

"Did you receive adequate rest last night, Captain?" Spock asked as the two walked out of his quarters and into the hallway.

"We're not on the bridge yet. You can still call me by my first name." He said with a sigh. Apparently, using first names was very important to James, so he chose to humor him.

"James, did you receive adequate sleep last night?" Spock rephrased his earlier question to be in compliance with his captain's request.

"Not really. I woke up early due to some strange dream last night." James said as his cheeks became slightly pink. Spock seriously doubted that James' dream could be any stranger than his.

"You should be happy that Vulcans don't dream." James continued. Spock decided in an effort to improve their relationship that he would not correct the captain's misconception. "This was after I stayed up late rereading the mission briefing paper. I still don't know why we are really going there, other than to smile for the cameras and shake the leaders' hands. No, Spock, I don't mean that literally. Don't look so alarmed." James ended as he pushed the button for the elevator.

"I do not become alarmed." At that statement, James rolled his eyes."In your e-mail last night you pointed to their dilithium deposits and location as the reason." Spock finished just as the elevator doors opened.

"And if this was a new planet that we were trying to get to join the Federation or become an ally that would be a good reason. Except that's not the case. Although, Fair IV is not an official member of the Federation, the planet has been an ally for decades. There's been a treaty in place since before I was even born. Why are we going there now? It just doesn't make sense." James said an obvious puzzlement.

On the surface it did not seem logical, but then again the captain was not the son of an ambassador. Spock knew more was going on behind the scenes.

"After the incident with Nero, many Federation members and allies have become apprehensive in the wake of what happened." Spock said as the doors to the elevator opened and they walked out.

"They're worried about what happened to…" James started but stopped suddenly.

"You may mention the name of my now destroyed home planet. I will not break down in tears." Spock responded as they continued walking to the officer’s dining hall. Spock could see James rolling his eyes again.

"That wouldn't be such a bad thing." James mumbled under his breath before continuing. "Basically almost every planet around is worried if the Federation can really protect them, when it failed to do so in the past. So now they're sending the ship and the crew that saved Earth to smile for the cameras in an effort to build Planets X and Y's confidence. How close am I to the truth?" James obviously saw Spock's point without much prompting.

"Your assumption is very accurate, although I do not believe that Planet X is a member of the Federation or an ally. However, once we complete the current mission we are to report to the planet Why VI in 6.2 days time." James looked at him strangely for a moment after Spock said this.

"I didn't mean that literally." James said taking a deep breath before he continued. "We're going to planet Why? Why did I not know about this?"

"The order came in late last night." James gave him a hard look before continuing to walk into the cafeteria without saying a word.

* * *

Breakfast was interesting, yet peaceful. James was actually able to create a croissant that actually taste like a croissant and Spock was grateful for that. Although, Spock still didn't understand what James met by, "just like my therapist used to make."

The discussion focused on the mission ahead. It went well without any major mishaps. Spock was extremely displeased with the way one of the leaders kept touching James. However, in the interest of diplomacy, Spock did not disclose this fact.

The next mission also went well, despite James accidentally making a derogatory comment about the King's appearance regarding the purple blotches that adorn the ruler's face. Fortunately, his assistant was there to prevent an incident by means that may or may not be appropriate. For all they know, kissing on the lips may be the equivalent of hugging on Earth, even if that information was not in the briefing paper. It was not his place to judge the morality of others.

Apparently, James witnessed this act of "comfort" and included it in his report. Spock felt it was best to delete that particular passage. Technically, the king was married to someone else and that could cause an incident later on. Of course, Spock chose not to mention this to James in an effort to keep their interactions relatively peaceful.

During this time, his relationship with James was improving. The two still argued occasionally, but these altercations were no longer over insignificant things such as addressing individuals on the bridge by their title instead of their name. Spock was already learning to listen to James completely before he made a suggestion. James also understood that not all of Spock's suggestions were made for the sole purpose of undermining Jim's authority

Spock was starting to look forward to sharing lunch with James. James would always ask questions about various projects that would get Spock to see the problem differently. However, their conversations focused mostly on work related things. James would not talk about his family, and Spock would change the subject as soon as James asked a question about his "girlfriend". James purposely never mentions Sarek, for which Spock was grateful.

He felt uncomfortable lying to James about the status of his relationship with Nyota, and therefore chose to redirect his questions to work related subjects. He told himself that he was keeping up with the charade for Nyota's sake. Spock's decision had nothing to do with trying to avoid wanted, or unwanted, attention from others on the ship. Although, it was apparent that James only saw her as a colleague at this point, other members of the crew were quite interested in the linguistics officer, and she personally did not want to deal with their advances when she became single. She told Spock this several times when they had dinner together (until his weight return to a Vulcan normal, she was forcing him to eat with her every night, when possible).

Other than the forced meals, things were starting to return to the way they were before their sexual relationship began. There were no more incidents involving being locked in an elevator against his will, but she did constantly interrogate him after he spent his lunch hour with James. She was usually quite relentless in her interrogation. She would smirk mysteriously after he would give in to her and discuss his interactions with his captain. For some reason ,she still maintained that he and James were acting as children on a playground.

However, as much as Spock enjoyed his time with James, now that their relationship was improving, he still turned down his several invitations to play chess after hours. There were several reasons for this: until he was able to improve his shielding abilities, engaging in any activity that could involve vast amounts of accidental touching could be detrimental. Especially considering the overwhelming nature of James' emotions (this had nothing to do with the fact that many of these emotions involved lust and underlining sexual attraction to Spock that he was not able to deal with at this time).

Now that he was able to meditate again, he needed to do so as much as possible. Therefore, his free time needed to be spent in this pursuit. For now, he needed to put as much energy as possible into psychically recovering from the death of his mother and most of the Vulcan population. Spock chooses to ignore the fact that he is able to meditate now that he focuses on James during the sessions. It is of no significance that using James as a focal point allows Spock to find his center.

However, the major reason was he needed his evenings free to discover how exactly he received the accidental messages. The first thing he did was a system-wide sweep to look for any malicious codes in the system. He knew IT did this periodically, but most of the computer department was not on par with his skill level.

Although, he did not find what caused the two e-mails to be accidentally delivered to him he did find several computer viruses that could have done serious damage to the system, including spyware that had the earmarks of being Klingon in design. All of these malicious codes ended up on the system due to violating various protocols such as downloading unknown programs to Starfleet equipment to play games during a shift.

After his initial search proved fruitless, Spock did something that he is not completely proud of. One afternoon on the bridge, he "borrowed" James' PADD during the middle of shift and decided to take a look at James' e-mail account. He tried to access it remotely, but it seems that his computer savvy captain increase the firewalls around his personal computer and his personal e-mail account. Actually, there was no record of any emails that James sent in the ship archives, which was extremely suspicious. This also held true for the e-mail server. He could eventually break into it, but it would take time and this was a much more efficient way to get at the information. James had the application running when he handed over the device, so really Spock did not do anything wrong.

At least he now knew why there was never an effort on James part to recall the message, as well as why none of James' personal e-mails were in the ship's archive or on the e-mail server: James Kirk was only person that Spock has ever met that had the same degree of computer competency as himself. This was shown by Jim reprogramming his e-mail account to expunge most messages from his account and the server at 12:00:01 AM. Spock instantly saw a correlation between the times the account was to expunge the messages and the time Spock was receiving the messages, but he did not have time to investigate further because James needed his PADD.

Spock speculated that when reconfiguring the e-mail program to expunge his messages from the server he made an error in the code that caused certain messages to be forwarded instead. After not receiving anymore special messages from his captain for seven days, he felt it was best to let it go and not confirm his hypothesis. Spock assumed James probably discovered the coding error in his program, and there was no reason for Spock to continue to look for this mistake. Of course, Spock was too afraid to ask James about such a possibility, not wanting to disrupt their developing relationship. If he was disappointed about not receiving any more letters between those two missions, he kept that disappointment to himself.

Of course, the night he decided to give up on finding out how he accidentally received the two unintentional messages from James he received a private message. Unfortunately it was not from James, but rather from his father.

Considering the question he sent his father one week previously, Spock was expecting to hear from him eventually, if not immediately. Spock did not think anything of his father not responding to his initial inquiry right away. He was used to not hearing from Sarek for months, if not years at a time. Since he joined Starfleet, the majority of their communication has been done via e-mail, and most of their messages have gone along the lines of "Your mother is unwell and wishes for you to contact her. Attached is her contact information." "Your mother wishes for you to return. I do not see the point of you staying in Starfleet, when it worries your mother so." "Your brother has passed away. There will be no service," and "I believe it would be in your best interest to contact your bond mate to discuss the status of your relationship after you decided to shirk your responsibilities to your people and join Starfleet instead of attending the VSA as has been expected of you since birth."

The majority of these messages would be deleted instantly with little thought unless it involved his mother. Although thinking back on it now, maybe he should have contacted T'Pring. His father did not seem at all surprised when he told Sarek about her infidelity. Thinking about that now, Spock understands why Jim took most of his comments in an offensive way. Spock also wonders if maybe he took many of the things his father said in a way other than intended.

Of course, in all those years his father has never employed the use of instant messenger, preferring e-mails and the occasional call, if the situation was urgent enough, such as when his half-brother died. Spock knew Instant Messenger was one of the best options for almost real time conversation in space, and therefore it would only be logical to conclude that this particular conversation must take place in person no matter how awkwardly it began.

**_Ambassador Sarek:_ ** _Are you well?_

Spock was half-tempted not to respond, but if his father was contacting him in this way it must be a matter of some importance.

**_SpockX:_ ** _I am adequate. The mission is going well so far._

_Why are you contacting me by this means? I already responded to your previous message regarding me returning to the colony once it is established to find a wife. That course does not seem logical. I am much more useful as a member of Starfleet than I would be on the colony._

 

Spock typed in that message preemptively, knowing that his father was most likely contacting him about that particular issue again. Due to his human heritage, he always assumed that he would be spared the worst parts of his time. His two juvenile experiences were easily dealt with via meditation; therefore, he assumed that his adult time would not be problematic.

However, his father discovered that this was not his counterpart's experience, and therefore was most likely going to be relentless in his attempt to get Spock to find a suitable partner. Spock sees this as being illogical because there is no urgency. He will not enter his final juvenile Pon Farr for at least two more years.

**Ambassador Sarek:** _I am not contacting you in that regard, although, I wish you would reconsider. Your safety and well-being is the most important thing to me. It could be detrimental to your well-being if you are not bonded when it is time. Many are entering their mature time prematurely on the colony._

_However, that is not the main purpose of this conversation. You wish to ask me questions about your mother, and I feel it would be best if that conversation occurred without a long lag time between messages. For some reason your message from 7.9 days ago did not reach my inbox until 9.3 hours ago due to a transmission malfunction._

Spock did realize that his father had a valid argument, but he refused to admit to such. He was much more interested in discussing his mother and therefore chose to redirect the conversation.

**_SpockX:_ ** _If such a thing were to occur, I will have a contingency plan in place. There are other options besides returning to the colony._

_I am pleased to know that you did not ignore my message for 7.9 days. I wish to know if you accidentally read any of mother's private letters that she wrote to you but never intended you to see._

 

The first part of that message was a desperate attempt to get his father to let go of any conversation involving future bond mates. Spock doubted that would actually happen, but decided to try anyway. Before, he would assume his father was pushing him to find a Vulcan bond mate to ensure that Spock would conform to Vulcan precepts. Now Spock wondered if his father was doing this because he was actually worried about him. His father's worry was not completely unjustified, but Spock wished that his father was not so single-minded.

Logic did dictate that he needed to have an actual contingency plan. Considering that Nyota had no trouble having sex with him because she saw it as part of her best friend duties, she would most likely be amenable to "assisting" if he could not find a partner before it was absolutely necessary. She was a strong woman and would have no trouble dealing with the situation. His father would probably not even be pushing this issue if Spock did not foolishly mention in passing that he was no longer with Nyota romantically. Then again, his father was pushing him to find a Vulcan bond mate and not a bond mate. The hypocrisy of the situation was not lost on Spock.

The second part of the message was a desperate attempt to redirect the conversation to what Spock really wanted to discuss. Although, Spock was sure he would not receive any more letters after such a long absence, he was still uncertain if he should tell James about receiving the first two letters. He welcomed the advice of someone who may understand.

**_Ambassador Sarek:_ ** _Yes, I did read several of your mother's letters that she never intended for me to read. Amanda was never very creative in her hiding places. I am also positive you read several of these letters as a child due to circumstantial evidence. I believe this is how you learned about your time initially. You avoided your mother and me for an entire week._

Just the mere mention of that experience, made Spock shiver, which was very unusual for a Vulcan. No matter what he did, Spock could not forget about what he read. His mother was angry that Sarek wished to engage the services of a consort, so as not to put her through the agony and indignity of Pon Farr again. To say that Amanda was upset, would be a gross oversimplification of the truth. Even her actual handwriting displayed her anger. The sexually explicit details of that letter were something that Spock cursed his memory for.

**_SpockX:_ ** _I wish never to discuss that. I wish to know if you ever told mother that you knew about her special meditation technique?_

Spock asked his father once again, redirecting the conversation. No child ever wants to discuss his parents' sex life, even if they were now an adult and Vulcan.

**_Ambassador Sarek:_ ** _It is something that we need to discuss. Does your contingency plan have anything to do with your interest in these letters that your mother wrote to me so long ago?_

Spock was half-tempted to end this conversation right than to avoid James-related questions, but he wanted to know how his father handled accidentally reading his mother's personal thoughts. If Spock grabbed a truffle from his emergency stash, it was no one’s business but his. Anyone who had a father like his would understand the need to lessen the intensity of the confrontation in one way or another.

Yet, Spock was uncertain how to precede. He did not want to answer yes or no to his father's previous question. After several minutes of contemplation, Spock determined that honesty would be the most effective approach.

**_SpockX:_ ** _I accidentally received a piece of correspondence of a very personal nature from my captain 10 days earlier that was very reminiscent of the type of letters that mother wrote to you. Two days later, I received a second piece of correspondence of a similar nature. I am uncertain how I received either of the e-mails that I know that I was never supposed to see. I wish to inquire what would be the best course of action since you have encountered a similar situation._

Spock took a deep breath, as he sent the message to his father. He found himself anxiously waiting for his father's response. He actually had to distract himself with answering the many e-mails in his inbox before his father's response arrived.

 ** _Ambassador Sarek:_** _I am surprised the you are already engaged in a sexual relationship with your captain, especially in light of the fact that you only terminated your relationship with Lieutenant_ Uhura _10 days ago. However, considering the recent conversations I have had with Elder Selek I should not be._

Spock was not sure what he found more shocking: the thought that his father automatically assumed that any relationship he had with James was sexual in nature, or the fact that his father believed such a relationship was unavoidable. He placed another truffle in his mouth before he replied. He needed it considering he was now 98.7% sure that his counterpart had a sexual relationship with his James. Actually, that led to consuming another truffle. Fortunately, he would be on beta shift tomorrow; by that time most of the chocolate will be out of his system.

**_SpockX:_ ** _The captain and I are not in a sexual relationship. I would quote the regulations that would make such a relationship inappropriate but it would probably be lost on you. Also, I am not my counterpart._

**_Ambassador Sarek:_ ** _Yes, but you are both my children. Those regulations that you wish to recall most likely do not apply to your situation. If your captain did not mean something to you, you would not be asking me how to handle the current situation._

Spock was unsure what his father meant by that first statement. Spock also refused to acknowledge that his father knew him better than he wants him to.

**SpockX:** _For the sake of the ship, I wish to cultivate a friendship of sorts. However, I believe that James will be hurt if he finds out that I accidentally read some of his most private thoughts._

**Ambassador Sarek:** _If you only wanted to cultivate a relationship with Captain Kirk ,for the sake of your ship, you would only need to concern yourself with being civil with each other. There would be no need whatsoever for a deeper relationship than that. Also, even on Earth the term friend does not always refer to a relationship that is purely platonic in nature._

Spock was tempted to consume another truffle after reading this message, but decided against it. Unfortunately, Spock needed to be sober enough to actually respond to his father's unfounded comments. By that point, Spock was suffering the other consequence of consuming chocolate: an increase in self-honesty.

**SpockX:** _Your hypothesis is not completely without merit. However, as you pointed out earlier I only terminated my romantic relationship with the lieutenant 10 days previously. Starting another relationship of that same nature, would be ill-advised, not that I intend to start any such relationship with my captain._

If his mother was still alive, Spock was 100% positive she would be laughing at that statement. He would give anything to hear that laughter.

**Ambassador Sarek:** _Your response is logical._

_I never told your mother about coming across her correspondence. Because the correspondence was technically addressed to me, I saw nothing wrong with reading the letters._

Spock almost dropped his PADD when he read his father's first sentence. Sarek usually never admitted that Spock was right; it was against his very nature to acknowledge such a thing.

Of course, his father would see nothing wrong in reading Amanda's private messages. This is the same man who accessed Spock's private computer files as a child to keep an eye on him. This breach of privacy was also how his father discovered that Spock was much more sexually interested in men than women. He was still trying to repress his official sex/Pon Farr talk that involved his father downloading several files onto his personal PDDA regarding same sex intercourse. He also received a gift box containing personal lubricant and condoms. It was his own fault for researching certain subjects on his personal computer as a teenager.

**SpockX:** _You did not see this as an invasion of privacy?_

Spock asked, knowing that his father had no concept of privacy whatsoever.

**Ambassador Sarek:** _Your mother was a very private person, much like you. I would never have known about those students torturing you at school about your heritage, if I did not monitor your personal computer files. For a human, she kept her feelings more concealed the most Vulcans. Sometimes, those letters were the only way I became aware of an actual problem. If I am unaware of the problem, how can I rectify It? Therefore, it is only logical for me to read the letters._

**SpockX:** _You only read mothers private letters so that you could repair your relationship with her? I find that hard to believe. You had no trouble forcing her to move to a place where she was treated as nothing. She had to give up her groundbreaking work on the universal translator to become the Ambassador's wife. Sometimes, I wondered how much you really invested in that relationship?_

**_Ambassador Sarek:_ ** _It was the logical course, at the time. I did love your mother regardless._

Spock knew that now, but not at the time.

**_SpockX:_ ** _Many things become illogical in hindsight._

**Ambassador Sarek:** _Nevertheless, reading the letters provided me a window into your mother's mind that I would not have had otherwise. She was quite good at shielding for a human. I only knew how harshly she was treated by my so-called contemporaries because of what she said in those letters. She would never tell me otherwise. I am sure there is information in the two messages that your captain would not tell you under any other circumstance._

Spock did not doubt that. His mother had a tendency to keep everything inside until she exploded in a very human-like display. She reminded him very much of James.

**_SpockX:_ ** _That is true._

Spock replied back, not commenting on his mother's harsh treatment. Part of Spock wanted to mention that his mother never mentioned anything because she seriously doubted her husband would believe her just as Spock never said anything for similar reasons. However, he did not feel like getting into an argument with his father via deep space Instant Messenger.

**_Ambassador Sarek:_ ** _If you want to build whatever type of relationship with your captain that you choose, you must utilize all information available to create a good foundation for that relationship. However, it is in your best interest that he does not know that you know that the letters exist._

Spock could tell that his father did not believe his earlier words about only wanting to be friends with James _._

**_SpockX:_ ** _I do not want to cultivate any other type of relationship with my captain other than a professional rapport, and maybe a friendship of sorts._

Even as he typed the words, Spock knew that he was for all intents and purposes lying to his father. However, how can he be honest with his father when he was still lying to himself?

**_Ambassador Sarek:_ ** _If you want to have a human bond mate, I will completely support your choice._

That time Spock did lose the grip on his PADD before finishing the rest of his father's message. His father was actually okay with him being with a human. It would be hypocritical of his father to be otherwise, but Spock has learned over the years that his father is a master of hypocrisy. After a few moments, Spock picked up his PADD again and finished reading his father's message.

_If you only desire a platonic relationship with your captain, I suggest you seriously consider finding someone to bond with the next time you are on the colony. I am sure you will be visiting the new colony soon. I will say good night because you have many things to do._

With that his father ended their conversation. Spock already had another truffle in his mouth, unwilling to analyze his father's words.

He found himself walking into the shared bathroom afterwards. Due to being uncharacteristically distracted with thoughts of his father he did not hear James singing as he stepped out of the shower.

"Fuck! Sorry, I forgot to engage the privacy lock." Jim said as he quickly secured a towel around his waist. It really didn't matter-because of his excellent memory Spock's mind will have new material to utilize tonight.

"Due to my superior hearing, I should have heard that you were in the shower. I was not paying attention." Spock said, trying not to make eye contact with his captain.

Unfortunately, his eyes focused on the towel draped across James' hips. He tried to walk out the bathroom at that moment, but James followed behind him still wearing a towel that will most likely slide off at any moment.

"What's wrong? Are you sick? Should I call Bones? You're always paying attention. Do you have some weird Vulcan virus?" Jim asked with panic in his voice.

"I am well." Spock reassured, even if it was slightly untrue.

"For some reason, I don't believe you, especially considering that there is a box of chocolate on your desk. It has to be bad when the Vulcan equivalent of alcohol is out. Is everything okay? Did you have a fight with Uhura?" Part of him wondered why James almost seemed happy underneath the worry when he asked that question, but Spock knew better.

"My relationship with the lieutenant is adequate." That was not a lie considering his relationship with Nyota is better than it has been in the last nine weeks.

"Then why did you break out the Vulcan version of Jack Daniel's?" James asked, leaving Spock confused.

"Who is this Jack you are referring to?" Spock questioned him.

"Never mind. Why did you break out the chocolate?" Spock considered not answering, but if he wanted to improve his relationship with James he needed to reply with some if not all of the details of the highly personal conversation."

"I just spoke with my father via deep space instant messenger." Spock said as he tried to decide what else to say.

"I don't need any more details. I guess you had one of those families, too. Give me 5 minutes to shave and brush my teeth and the bathroom is all yours. That is, unless you can't wait." Jim said with a smile.

"I do not need to use the facilities immediately." Spock responded.

"I'll see you in the morning." Jim said as he walked through the door.

"Goodnight, Jim." He said using his name out loud without being prompted.

"Pleasant dreams," James said just as the door closed.

* * *

A few hours later, when he dreamt of consummating his marriage/bond to James in their shower, he cursed that sentiment.

**To be continued**

 


	17. Beautiful Chapter 5: How was I Supposed to Know That This Would Become So Complicated, So Quickly? Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter coincides with the events described in the third letter and some things described in the fourth letter.
> 
>  
> 
> Warning: There are a few scenes in this chapter where Spock uses contractions. This was done deliberately to illustrate his mental instability.

Once the chocolate was out of his system and he took care of the dream-induced arousal by whatever means necessary, Spock decided that he would stay silent on the existence of the letters unless he received another piece of similar correspondence.  Spock was sure that by now, given Jim’s superior computer skills, he would have most likely discovered the error that caused Spock to receive these messages.  Therefore, Spock will most likely never receive another piece of special correspondence and the issue would be moot.  Spock was uncertain if this was a positive thing.

 

 

Over the next few days the crew were preparing for the treaty negotiations on CXV VI.  In addition to vast quantities of dilithium, the planet had several other elements and plans that would be beneficial, including one that may be effective in treating certain types of cancer that currently have no effective treatment.  Several of these resources only existed on Vulcan before its demise and the Federation was desperately in need of a new source.  Therefore, securing these resources was crucial.

 

 

Enterprise’s purpose was to negotiate a trade agreement with a planet that had no desire to become a Federation member, due to the planet’s staunch political neutrality.  However, because of recent events the planet was more willing to consider a financial alliance, in exchange for additional protection. 

 

 

He knew James was happy about receiving such a mission because in his mind it meant that the Admiralty actually trusted him to do something other than participate in activities that were nothing more than a means to improve public relations.  Spock has tried to stress that all missions are important despite what they seem on the surface during their lunch meetings, but James does not believe him and insists that the Admiralty does not trust him to not screw up something important.  Spock personally believes this is a sign of Jim’s deep-seated insecurities that he keeps hidden underneath his normal bravado.

 

 

Spock knew that because of these insecurities, Jim would do anything to prove that he could succeed.  This included putting himself in grave danger.  Of course, Spock could not imagine that this great danger came in the form of innocent looking sorbet.

 

 

The mission started adequately enough with a diplomatic dinner.  As was the tradition, the first few dishes originated from the home planet(s) of the guest.  Spock was quite pleased with their version of many of his favorite Vulcan dishes.  Maybe because of this he let his guard down by the time the traditional local desserts were brought out, and therefore did not immediately scan it.  Had he done his job properly, his captain would not currently be unconscious in front of him. 

 

 

Spock knew that blame was illogical.  James most likely would have consumed the item anyway as not to offend the other party as outlined in the briefing paper.  However, that did not keep Spock from mentally chastising himself as his captain became blue and lost consciousness.  If it were not completely impossible, Spock would argue that his heart stopped beating when he realized that James was no longer breathing.  Despite it being a complete breach of protocol, he ordered for James to be beamed out immediately.

 

 

“What happened?” Dr. McCoy asked as they materialized in sickbay. “Fuck, he’s not breathing.  Christina, help me get his airway open right now!” The doctor exclaimed as the captain was placed on a bed.

 

 

“It appears that the captain is suffering an allergic reaction to one of the local dishes.” As soon as Spock spoke, Dr. McCoy grabbed several hypos from a nearby cabinet.

 

 

“Only you, Jim.  I knew I should have come down with you.” The doctor mumbled as he administered the drug.  Instantly, James’ color returned to normal, although he was not breathing on his own and therefore he was put on a respirator.  Spock stood back watching the scene with a mix of horror and fascination.  He was asked to leave more than once but he refused.

 

 

“What exactly did he eat?”  Dr. McCoy asked as soon as James was stable.

 

 

“The closest approximation to the dish in standard would be a sorbet or ice cream made with some local fruit.  I am unsure of the specific ingredients, except it does not contain anything similar to chocolate.” Spock said, keeping the worry out of his voice; not that Vulcans worry.  He was not worried about losing Jim.  He could not think about losing Jim.  He could not deal with losing another person that he cared about.  It was at that moment he realized that true depth of his attachment to James.

 

“That could mean anything.  Christine, please contact someone down on the planet to find out what the hell he ate, so I can treat him more effectively. I know he’s allergic to strawberries and this could be in the same family.” The doctor instructed.

 

 

It seemed to take much longer than it should have until the doctor’s med student walked back into the room.  “Lieutenant Uhura is sending up an ingredients list of everything the captain consumed.  She was already putting it together before I called.”

 

 

“I love a smart woman.” The doctor said with a smile. 

 

“She needs to speak to the commander immediately.”

 

Spock felt torn.  He did not want to leave James, but Spock knew that he was essentially the captain presently.  James would be upset if he allowed something to happen because he was not focusing on the needs of the ship. 

 

“You can talk to her in my office.  I want you out of here anyway; I need to concentrate on the idiot.” The doctor said, metaphorically pushing him out of the room.  Spock allowed it to happen this time.

 

 

XXX

 

“How is he?  Christine didn’t say anything.”  Nyota said with a hint of concern when he spoke to her moments later.

 

“He is stable but he is unable to breathe without mechanical assistance.” Once he finished he heard Nyota mumble various expletives in seven different languages under her breath.  He had no idea she could curse in Vulcan.

 

“Due to the situation, I need to remain on the ship.  I’m putting you in charge of the negotiations.” Spock told her.  This led to additional profanity in various languages.

 

“Due to the fact you just used a contraction, I know things are worse than what you are telling me.  However, we need you down here.  They won’t negotiate with anybody who is not in charge, and right now you’re in charge.” Nyota argued.

 

 

“That is not feasible.  I must stay up here with the captain.” Spock insisted, not willing to confess even to himself why he refused to leave Jim.  Unfortunately, the lieutenant knew him better than what he was willing to admit to even himself.

 

 

“I know you care about him, but you need to put the mission first, instead of your boyfriend.  If you don’t come down here things will fall apart.” Nyota said in a way that would be insubordination from anyone else.

 

 

“James is not my boyfriend.  I merely want to stay up here because it is part of my duty as first officer to ensure the captains well-being.” Spock responded defensively.  Nyota responded with laughter.

 

“The fact that you just called the Captain, James is a dead giveaway.  I may not be as smart as you, but I am still a genius.  I see what is going on, even if you are still in denial land.  Part of me hopes that you are running away from your feelings for our captain because you are still trying to get over me.

“However, we both know we didn’t have that type of relationship. I would have loved nothing more than for you to have looked at me the way you look at him now back at the academy.  Less than an hour ago, I saw you go into complete panic.  The last time I saw you act like that was when your home planet was being destroyed.  You actually used a Vulcan curse word once you realize Jim wasn’t breathing.” Spock did not remember that.  He tried to go into the reasons why there was nothing going on between him and James, but Nyota cut him off after a few minutes.

 

 

“I don’t have time for you to lie to me and yourself.  If you care about Jim at all, you will come down here and make sure the negotiations go perfectly.” His former girlfriend said with a voice filled with ice as is the human expression. 

 

“What do you mean by that?” Spock questioned her.

 

“My roommate from undergrad is now working with a certain idiot admiral, who keeps trying to pinch her ass all day.  I won’t say his name because this transmission is not completely encrypted but you know who I’m talking about.  Let’s just call him Admiral K.”

 

Spock did indeed know who she was talking about.  The man had the audacity to send Spock several messages asking him to say various unfavorable and untrue things about his captain.  Apparently, the man was under the premise that promising Spock command of the Enterprise would entice Spock to turn on James.  Obviously, the man in question did not know him at all. 

 

 

“We both know that Admiral K was very vocal about his opinion of and disdain for Jim receiving Enterprise, and believed it to be nothing more than a PR stunt.  You and I both know that he is looking for any excuse to get rid of Kirk.  I just didn’t think he would do something like this.” Nyota seemed even more worried than earlier.

“Explain your concern.” Spock prompted. 

“A few days ago I received a very encrypted message that I did not understand until this afternoon.  Once you and Jim were back on board, the protocol officer asked me why we approved a menu item that our captain was obviously allergic to.  They also wanted to know why he ate the item anyway. The planet’s summer sun berries are similar enough genetically to strawberries that they can trigger the same reaction.  This information was already in my PADD.”

“How are you aware of the captain’s strawberry allergy?”  Spock asked her.  Spock only knew about it because it was in a special file that Admiral Pike gave him. (If only the admiral warned him about some of Jim’s other issues.) 

 

“Everybody who was in the same year as Jim Kirk knows he is highly allergic to strawberries.  He almost died in the cafeteria two years ago after accidentally eating a dish that was mislabeled.  He is the reason why the campus cafeteria stopped serving things with strawberries two years ago.  That was a horrible year.” She said with a sigh before continuing. 

 

“You were in space that semester.  I’m sure Admiral K knows all about the allergy because he was the one who most vocally protested the policy change.  He is obsessed with strawberry shortcake.  I will put money on the fact that we never received a menu to approve.  I also have suspicion that certain information in the pre-mission brief was falsified.  The encrypted message I received is now in your special e-mail box.  Try to get back down here as soon as you can.” With that, she terminated the transmission. 

 

 

\---

Even without reading the e-mail, Spock knew that the Admiral in question at the very least felt James would come out looking foolish if the negotiations concluded unsuccessfully; therefore, providing the man with a valid reason to take Enterprise from James.  At worst, James could have lost his life.  It was even possible that this was the desired result.  Spock felt a type of anger that he only felt once before.  How dare that man try to take his James away from him? 

 

How shortsighted could anybody be?  James dying on this planet or any other, even accidentally, could have consequences that could trigger a diplomatic incident of epic proportions.  In the past, such incidents have even triggered wars.  Jim was well loved throughout the Federation because he saved Earth.  There would be a call for vengeance.

 

What were the admiral’s motivations, besides his dislike for James, a dislike that has existed for very a long time?  This particular admiral was the one that pushed Spock to have James’ charges of academic dishonesty go before the full board, instead of private mediation as was the norm.  That meant that his dislike for James existed before he earned his captaincy.  There had to be more to it than that to do something so reckless. 

 

In Spock’s mind, an explanation was not necessary.  The admiral would not win.  He would pay for hurting anyone close to him.  Spock returned to the planet to get the treaty negotiated and signed as quickly as possible, so that he could return to James.  He did this solely for James, so that no one could find fault with him. 

 

Due to his reaction to his captain’s incapacitation, many of the leaders assumed that James was his partner/bond mate.  Spock chose to use this to his advantage.  It was not lying; he just never corrected their assumption.  He did consider James to be his partner, at least in one sense of the word.

The negotiations seemed to last longer than the 4 hours it actually took to complete the treaty.  Maybe that was because he was away from James.  He still called sick bay at regular intervals to check on the captain’s progress throughout the negotiations even if his former girlfriend displayed a strange expression on her face every time he did such a thing. 

Despite the circumstances, the negotiations were quite successful.  They were able to secure access to all desired resources until 2289.  That was a full 10 years later then they were asking for in the original treaty.  Spock personally feels that the leaders extended the time as an apology for almost killing James.  Spock personally did not blame anyone on that planet for what happened.  They were used as a pawn by an idiotic man who only cared about himself.  Even if he had no concrete proof he knew that was the case.

Once they were back on the ship, Spock was overcome by panic and worry once more even if James condition had improved from stable-but-critical to just stable. At least on the planet, he could distract himself with the negotiations.  Now the only thing he could do was call sick bay to check on James’ condition.  Apparently, he did this once too often, which resulted in a loud but colorful reprimand from Dr. McCoy about sand and ostriches, that seemed highly illogical given the circumstances.

 

 

That night Spock was unable to sleep or meditate.  Thoughts of James just brought out an anger that Spock normally tried to bury.  Not even the sleeping pills that Spock stopped taking two weeks ago would allowed him to rest.  The only thing that brought Spock any comfort was reading James’ private thoughts once more.  Spock would give anything to read another letter from James.

 ----

Spock realized later on that he needed to be careful of what he wished for because he may just get it, even if wishing was illogical.  The next night at exactly one second after midnight he received another letter that Spock knows he was never supposed to see.  Spock knows this was another one of those letters by the extremely honest subject line and the higher level of self-deprecation in the text.  Spock realizes that James is only completely honest with him when he is under the impression that Spock will never read his words.

 

Spock sincerely doubted that James would ever admit that he would be worried about Spock if he ended up in sickbay for a medical emergency.  He also sincerely doubted that James would ever admit to needing him out loud.  Things were just getting to the point where James would take his advice without resistance.

 

 

Spock was up late that evening despite his lack of sleep the night before for an emergency 12:30 AM (his time) video conference with Admiral Pike to discuss the events of the last 48 hours.  More accurately, this highly encrypted meeting was to discuss Spock suspicions that certain aspects of the mission were manipulated for the captain’s failure. 

 

 

The admiral decided to call the conference after Spock sent him the encrypted message that Nyota gave him earlier along with an accurate account of what happened.  Spock trusted Christopher implicitly because of his time as his science officer two years ago.  He was familiar with the man’s character and knew he had nothing to do with what happened, if the incident the day before was actually planned.

 

Because Jim was still recovering from nearly dying, Spock was still Acting Captain and therefore had many things to do prior to the conference, including filling out the paper work related to the captain’s medical condition.  Moments like those, made Spock happy he was only first officer.  He did not even try to meditate that evening, which he desperately needed to do due to the lack of sleep due to insufficient time.  Even if James was now conscious, Spock wondered if his mind was stable enough to try.  Despite his schedule being busy even for him, when he saw the letter from James in his inbox Spock stopped everything else he was doing to read.

 

Spock completely argues against how James interpreted how things went that morning.  Spock definitely did not use any variation of the phrase ‘I told you so’.  He was also very happy that James was well, even though he would never admit to having such an emotion in relation to anyone.

 

At 4:32 AM ship time, Dr. McCoy woke Spock up to let him know that the captain had regained consciousness and was now breathing on his own.  Spock was grateful for being woken up from sleep, even though he only managed to achieve such a state 73.2 minutes earlier because he was in the middle of another dream of an erotic nature. 

 

In the dream, Jim was a patient in sickbay and Spock was his nurse.  Instead of wearing a contemporary male nurse uniform, Spock was wearing a female nursed uniform that was popular on 20th century earth.  He was about to give the captain a sponge bath when the buzz of his communicator woke him up.  Spock was extremely grateful for that.

 

The captain was obviously highly medicated this morning and therefore could not remember Spock’s exact words from that encounter.  That was evident by the fact that James called him Nurse Spock when he first walked into the room and asked about his sponge bath (Spock refuses to read anything into such a coincidence).

 

Spock was not condescending but worried during the encounter; he was grateful that James was unharmed.  He was not blaming James in any way for what happened; he was just expressing his concern.  Spock did not say, “If you could remember correctly sir, I suggested that you do not consume that particular item of subsidence before I had time to scan it.”  Spock merely reminded the captain that it was a good practice to always scan any unfamiliar food before consuming it, especially if you have severe food allergies.

 

As much as he wanted to tell James that a certain member of the Admiralty most likely used diplomatic protocol as a tool for assassination (career or otherwise), he said nothing.  After a lengthy discussion wherein Nyota called James his boyfriend again, both agreed not to alert the captain of their suspicions until they spoke with Admiral Pike.

 

Maybe if he did inform James of the situation, his letter would not contain so much self-deprecation.  Reading James' private words made Spock even angrier at the individual who Spock believed orchestrated the entire incident.  It was unfortunate that James was blaming himself for something that was not his fault (Spock knew that outside these letters, James would never own up to such severe self-doubt and loathing; it seemed almost out of character for someone who was so cocky and self-assured at all other times). 

 

 

That afternoon when Nyota returned to the planet to finalize the treaty, she was informed that, as suspected, certain aspects of protocol on the planet were exaggerated or misrepresented in the briefing materials.  The only thing James did wrong was eat something before Spock had time to do a scan.  He only did this because he was given falsified information and was under the impression that not doing so could cause a diplomatic incident.  Spock knew that he was just trying to be a good captain in an effort to prove everyone who doubted him wrong.  Only in these writings would James let anyone know how unsure he was of himself in his new role.

 

Unfortunately, the captain did not see how good he truly was, and therefore Spock read line after line of self-putdowns and incrimination.  James even doubted his ability to become a strong negotiator and felt Spock would be better suited for it (Apparently, James was aware that Spock's counterpart was an ambassador in the other dimension.  Spock really would like to know how James came across this piece of information.  However, it was better if he did not ask.)

 

 

Spock personally believed the opposite, because James was much more at ease with people.  Spock always felt as if everyone was watching him and expecting him to make a mistake.  Being the ‘half-human kid’ meant that Spock spent most of his adolescence under the close scrutiny of others.  Apparently, James feels the same way currently. 

 

Spock may be patient, but James had other more desirable qualities.  He could see things Spock did not and he was willing to look outside the box as humans would say.  However, that did not mean that Spock did not appreciate James saying so.

 

Spock blamed himself for what happened the day before more than he probably should.  His guilt was probably why he contacted sickbay 57 times during James’ incapacitation.  (James did not believe Spock did such a thing for reasons that Spock was still not entirely sure of). 

 

If Spock had not let his guard down and scanned the item immediately, this situation would have never happened.  He was well aware of James’ strawberry allergy, and the tricordor would have alerted him to the genetic similarities between the two fruits.  He would have never had to worry about losing the illogical human (that Spock was starting to care about more then he probably should if he only desired friendship) if he did his job at peak efficiency. 

 

He also blamed himself for not questioning some of the unusual things in the briefing paper.  In all his years of dealing with public diplomacy, Spock had never heard of a society that became deadly when you refused to consume a local delicacy.  Yet, in an effort to accept the uniqueness of others, Spock did not question the practice.  Spock feels as if he let his captain down by not being more vigilant.

 

Maybe, because of that and the lack of meditation, Spock was somewhat agitated when he saw James this morning.  Maybe, James felt that such irritation was aimed at him when it was aimed at himself.  Maybe, that was why James found it surprising that Spock was so worried about him when he was unconscious.  He remembered many times his mom saying that both parents were worried about him when he was sick, but Spock never believed her because Sarek always seemed so aloof.

 

Spock slowly read through the rest of the letter as he waited for Nyota to arrive to participate in the conference. 

 

Spock’s favorite part, other than James admitting that he needed him, was that James finally opened up a little bit more about his family.  During their lunches, James still avoided anything regarding his private life.  The only thing James told him directly about his mother was that she was retired from Starfleet.  He never mentions having any siblings at all.  Spock made a mental note to do research on James’s younger brother Kevin.  Winona Kirk’s Starfleet file mentioned nothing about a third child but maybe that change occurred after leaving Starfleet.

 

 

Certain passages in today's letter confirmed Spock’s hypothesis as to why James became upset over perceived criticism so easily.  He had no idea how many times their simple lunches could have easily detoured into the arguing that happened earlier on.  Spock personally thought he was getting better at avoiding conflict despite what James said.  Okay, maybe on certain occasions he did have a tendency to critique James’ grammar, but he did that to everyone.  Contractions had no place in formal speech or writing.  Contrary to what James assumed, he does not get sexual gratification from such a practice.  Spock was slightly offended by that comment in the letter, if he allowed himself to become offended at all.

 

James’ tendency to punch first and ask questions later was another reason why Spock decided not to tell James about their suspicions related to 'Admiral K' before he spoke with Admiral Pike tonight or rather this morning.  James would most likely react illogically before getting all the facts.  By illogical, Spock means he will do something that will most likely result in James losing his commission or at the very least becoming incarcerated.  Spock did not want to consider what James would do once he found out that 'Admiral K’ really was out to get Jim.

 

Also, in the most recent letter, James’ specifically requested him to not tell the Admiralty exactly what happened even if it appeared that James was half joking.  It was obvious that his captain was quite paranoid about the Admiralty.  Although, is it really paranoia when your fears are grounded in reality?  Certain members of the Admiralty were most likely looking at him under a microscope for less than benevolent reasons. 

 

At least, Spock now knows why he cannot find any records of James’ e-mails on the ship server.  He already knows that as soon as the captain is healthy enough to take back his normal duties Spock will be spending a great deal of time trying to find out how James was able to do such a thing. 

 

Even if certain members of Starfleet question James’ competency, Spock knew not everyone was like that.  Spock knows that Admiral Pike is not the only one who believes that James received his commission for reasons other than his role in saving Earth.  Admiral Barnett spoke very highly of James when he was trying to convince Spock to return to Starfleet during the brief time he was planning to leave to be on the future colony.  Spock was just unsure of how to convince James that not everybody was waiting for him to fail.

 

Unfortunately, there was at least one admiral that was metaphorically looking at everything James did under a proverbial microscope.  Of course, James does not know that the man in question most likely engineered James’ supposed blunder.  Maybe, it would be best if Spock does not tell him about this because it will reinforce the captain’s poor self-image.  Spock could already tell that James had tremendous potential if only he saw that.

 

At that moment, Spock decided that he would do everything in his power to make sure that 'Admiral K' would not get the satisfaction of knowing that his plan almost succeeded.  Spock would make sure he only saw the great things that Jim was capable of.  Spock already carefully drafted the accident report citing that the captain just became slightly ill due to the misclassification of a local fruit.  Spock’s report on the incident as well as all other reports will reflect the same thing even if he must alter all other reports himself.  Everything will highlight the many things Jim did right before he became incapacitated.  Spock was planning to do this anyway.  However, it felt good to do something that James asked him to do, even if it was slightly illogical to find pride in doing something that was against 16 different regulations. 

 

 

His most important duty as first officer was to protect James—his captain.  Spock saw this as another opportunity to do so. (Spock refuses to analyze why protecting James was so important to him.  It was perfectly acceptable to protect your friend.)

 

Unfortunately, Spock discovered that his hypothesis about receiving these letters due to a programming error that James has yet to see was most likely true.  What worried Spock was that James was completely terrified of Spock or anyone else reading these letters.  It was obvious from what he said and the great lengths James went through to keep Spock from reading e-mails.  He would most likely be mortified when he found out that Spock has been reading these letters all along, and Spock was just as unsure of how to deal with this situation now as when he received the first letter.  James will most likely be even more mortified when he discovers that his attempt to prevent Spock from reading his private thoughts enabled him to do so.  Spock dreaded the fallout.

Spock knows that he told himself that he would inform James about the letters if he received another one.  However, given the circumstances and what he read tonight, it would be best not to let James know that he has been receiving these very personal letters.  James’ health is still in a precarious state after what happened the day before.  The additional stress of such a revelation would be detrimental to the captain’s recovery.  At least, this is what Spock uses to justify his decision to stay silent. 

Of course, due to being preoccupied with James’ related thoughts Spock forgot to relocate James’ latest letter to his special encrypted file before Nyota’s arrival.  At some point during the conversation with Admiral Pike, where it was decided that they would not tell James about their suspicions, Nyota picked up his PADD for reasons only known to her.  Unfortunately, James’ e-mail was still open on the front screen and Nyota read the entire thing. 

 

To be continued


	18. Beautiful Chapter six: Thank You Nyota for Not Saying Anything to James I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place between the third and fourth letters.

Spock was currently deciding if it would have been worse if James discovered the message, rather than Nyota.  The current interrogation he was suffering made Spock believe that Nyota discovering the message was much worse.  He is at least grateful she did not say anything until after the conference with Admiral Pike was over.  Her slightly shocked expression told him everything he needed to know.

 

“Do you want to explain that expletive-filled, highly self-deprecating e-mail that I just saw on your PADD from a guy who brings new meaning to the terms conceited and cocky?”  Nyota asked the moment Admiral Pike disappeared from the screen.

 

“No, I do not.” Spock said, trying to physically remove the PADD from her possession. He was unsuccessful because she placed the device underneath her brassiere.  Even though he has made contact with that part of her anatomy before, he felt uncomfortable doing so now that they were no longer in a sexual relationship.  Actually, Spock was uncomfortable doing so when they were in a sexual relationship.  Later on he would discover getting the device away from her possession was fruitless because she already forwarded the message to her personal account. 

 

“You were never meant to read the message.  Please return my device this moment.” Spock said in the closest approximation of irritation that he would allow himself to feel.

 

“Maybe later.  From what I read, you weren’t supposed to read that message either.  Also, supposedly there’s another you running around in the galaxy.”  Nyota said with a slight laugh.

 

“That information is highly classified.”  Spock said as he considered the consequences of retrieving his PADD.

 

“That’s fine, I already know.” If he were human, Spock’s jaw would be on the floor in shock at her words.  Because he is Vulcan, he merely raised one eyebrow.

 

“How did you know about this?” Spock asked in a desperate attempt to move their conversation  
to something other than the message that she just accidentally read due to his carelessness.

 

“I’ve known you for how long?  Three or four years.  I would know you anywhere; even after a century has passed.  I ran into him when I was helping out at the refugee center, trying to forget about the fact that I just 'buried' another friend too soon.  I knew he was you, just a little wiser with graying hair, same facial expressions and everything. He raised two eyebrows when I accidentally told him that we were sleeping together.  From certain things he said, I think we were just really good friends the first time around.  He asked me to watch over you and make sure you find your own path.  Those eyebrows became slightly higher when I told him that you were still leaving me behind to help rebuild the Vulcan population, despite our sexual relationship.”

 

So that is how his other self knew about his decision to return to the colony.  Spock kept that thought to himself as Nyota continued.

 

“I think that’s when I completely realized that whatever was going on between us was temporary.” Nyota said softly, with sorrow in her voice that was easily detected.

 

“Just because something happened in one dimension does not mean it will happen in every dimension.  I have never believed in predestination.  We are all sentient beings of free will.  We make choices and those choices effect who we are.” Spock explained.

 

“I agree with you that we make our own choices.  I have to.  I think it would hurt too much to believe that Gaila was supposed to die or that Marc was supposed to…” Nyota trailed off not finishing her sentence as she started to play uncomfortably with the hem of her uniform top. 

That was the second time she mentioned Marc recently.  Spock knew of him because Nyota kept a picture of her deceased friend on her nightstand.  Spock met him briefly once before his death at an academy event that he was forced to participate in.  However, Cadet Winter died before Spock and Nyota became close.  Spock was off planet on assignment when it happened and Nyota never told him any details. She rarely spoke about Marc after that.  Maybe, it was time for Spock to do some additional research.  He could ask her directly but he was afraid of what he would find out.

 

“But I think free will and environment can only take a person so far.  I believe underneath we are essentially the same people.  Remember, I met the other you.  He’s still you, just maybe a bit more experienced.  You even make the same facial expressions, when you are amused or frustrated.  You both have the same values at the core.  Therefore, even under different circumstances, it’s still possible to make the same choices.  Those values influence your decisions.  So even without the concept of pre-destined soul mates, there’s still a 95% chance that you and Jim will also be together in this dimension barring continued stubbornness and denial.” For some reason, his face went extremely pale at that moment.

 

“How did you know about that?”  Spock asked calmly.

 

“Oh my god, I was joking.  They were together?”  Nyota asked in bewilderment.

“There is a 99.2% probability of that being the case, unfortunately.” Spock told her matter-of-factly.

 

“The fact that you and Jim were lovers in another lifetime bothers you?” she prompted.

 

“I am unsure what you mean by the term ‘bothered’." He said in false ignorance.  "Also, I have no real evidence other than my suspicions and what James said in his first letter.  Maybe the two were just good friends.” Spock realized what he said a little too late as he noticed Nyota's eyes go wide in astonishment.

 

“So what I saw tonight was not the first letter you received of this nature?  You still haven’t explained what I saw on your PADD tonight.  Why did Jim Kirk send you a letter where he not only confesses that he needs you in a way that was not 100% work related, but he also talks about his own doubts in great self-deprecating detail?” Nyota asked.

“I prefer not to answer that question.”

 

“I’m sure you would.” Nyota scoffed before continuing. "Then there’s the fact that he mentioned that he violated at least 24 regulations to make sure that neither you nor the Admiralty could access his special messages.  Although, apparently his paranoia about the Admiralty being out to get him is not completely unfounded.”

 

“Technically he only violated three regulations, and they all relate to the Federation’s Freedom of Information Act.  There are exceptions to those rules when Federation security could be jeopardized.” Spock interrupted her to defend his captain’s actions.

 

“Great, now you’re defending him.  It is so love or sexual tension.” Nyota mumbled under her breath, assuming that he would not hear her but he did.

 

“It was hyperbole Spock.  I was not trying to be literal. I seriously doubt Federation security was the thing he was concerned with.” She said louder with a sigh. “Just explain to me what’s going on.”

 

 

“Are you familiar with the practice of writing one’s thoughts down on paper to work through personal issues?” Spock started unsure how to begin this conversation.

 

“Yes.  I kept a journal growing up because my parents decided to make me spend tons of time in therapy after I discovered my grandma's dead body.  They didn’t bother to come back to the planet, but they made sure I received the best psychological treatment money can buy at the posh boarding school I was shipped off to.  It was her idea that I keep a journal.  It mostly dealt with how angry I was at my parents for sending me off to boarding school, after my grandmother died, instead of coming back to Earth to be a real family.  That’s where I met Marc.  His parents did the same thing to him.” Spock could detect a mix of bitterness and sadness in her words.

 

“Did your psychologist ever instruct you to write a letter to your parents that you were never actually to send expressing your displeasure at the situation?” Spock prompted after he realized she was slightly familiar with the concept.  Maybe her psychologist utilize the same technique that James’ doctor used.

 

“Yes, but I wasn’t good at following instructions and sent the letters anyway.  That led to another six months of therapy that I really didn’t need.  I don’t see the point of writing a letter like that and not sending it. That’s what this is?” Nyota asked as she finally understood what was happening.

 

“Essentially,” Spock said with something that was closer to an approximation of a sigh than what he was personally comfortable with.

 

“So then how exactly are you reading these letters. considering Jim mentioned what extremes he went to keep you from reading?  I sincerely doubt that he had a change of heart and sent you the messages.  You didn’t break into his e-mail did you?” Nyota asked with an accusatory glare.

“That would be a violation of 18 different Starfleet regulations.” Spock said without quoting the actual regulations.

 

“So is sleeping with your student.” Nyota shot back.

 

“Technically, you were not my student at the time.” Of course, that was only because her status was changed after Vulcan was destroyed.

 

“That didn’t matter and you know it.  You have no trouble whatsoever ignoring regulations for the greater good or your own needs.  Preventing another bridge incident, would be for the greater good.  I could see you hacking into his private diary to figure out what he really thinks of you.  Of course, you could just go on a date like a normal person.  God knows, maybe if you two worked out some of the sexual tension, we could go a week without you two getting into a 'non-argument'.  Part of me, thinks you two should just fuck and get it over with.”  If he were not Vulcan, he would find her words quite shocking.

 

“Are you actually encouraging me to engage in a sexual relationship with someone else 18 days after the end of our romantic relationship?” Spock asked as neutrally as possible.

 

“For the sake of my personal sanity, yes.  However, if something started at this point, it would most likely fall apart and you two would be driving me even crazier. I don't think you're mentally ready for a real relationship yet. You still could say yes to playing chess with him, instead of breaking into his diary.  That just doesn’t seem to be the best foundation for a good relationship of any type.” She was practically yelling at that point.  He considered mentioning what his father said last week but chose not to.

 

“I did not break into his personal files.  Things are slightly more complicated than that.” Spock said as he proceded to explain his theory regarding how he receive these messages.  Spock was unsure of how Nyota would react to his revelation.  However, uncontrolled laughter was not a possible reaction that he had anticipated.

 

“Oh my god, this is too funny.  He tried so hard for you not to see these messages and he ended up sending them to you directly.  Oh, the irony.” Nyota said between gasps of air, as she kept laughing.

 

“I do not see the humor in this.  I have been agonizing over how to handle the situation for the last 18 days.” Spock said before recounting his conversation with his father without mentioning his time as well as his inner dialogue regarding what to do about the letters.

 

“There is an easy solution to this.” Nyota said after a while.

 

“What would that be?”

 

“Tell him about the letters.”  She said simply.

 

“Did you not hear my several justifications why that was a less than ideal choice?” Spock asked.

 

“Yes, I did hear all of your excuses.  Jim will be a lot more upset if he finds out accidentally.  What if he was the one who picked up your PADD tonight?” Spock did not shiver at the idea, because Vulcans do not shiver. However, he found it quite displeasing to consider.

 

“Your argument is valid. However, I am uncertain if I can deal with the fallout of such a revelation right now.”

 

 “Finally, you are acknowledging that you are afraid to tell him.  I could tell him.”

 

“No.  It would be even worse if he finds out that you read his personal thoughts as well.  Considering his near death experience yesterday, it would be bad to cause him additional stress.” Spock justified again.

 

“You made your point, even if it is illogical. I won’t tell him and I won’t make you tell him, for now, on two conditions.” She started.

 

“What are your conditions?” Spock asked hesitantly. 

 

“One, the next time Jim asks you to play chess, you say yes.”

 

“I find that agreeable.” Of course, Spock would not tell her that he was already considering accepting James' next invitation for something other than lunch or breakfast.

 

“I also want you to fix whatever glitch Jim created that is sending you these letters.  As long as this is the last letter you receive, I won’t say anything.” She said as she handed Spock back his PADD.  If he were not Vulcan, he would have exhaled dramatically at that moment.

 

“Thank you.” Spock said in gratitude as Nyota walked towards the door.

 

“You can thank me by letting me choose my own best woman dress for the wedding.” Spock would mention how illogical such a statement was, but she was already out the door before he had time to say anything.

 

\---

 

The next morning James was released from sick bay much to his delight.  Unfortunately, James was put on restricted duty, much to his dismay as well as Spock’s.  This resulted in a bored captain.  A bored James Kirk is dangerous, as mentioned in his first letter.  Spock had no idea how much trouble James could cause when restricted to his quarters and paperwork.  Even though they were currently traveling to the next mission to survey a possible planet that had resources once only found on Vulcan, James still found ways to drive Spock absolutely crazy, including but not limited to completely reprogramming the ship’s archive system. 

 

On his second day of doctor imposed rest, Spock literally had to drag the captain out of one of the training rooms because he was participating in a highly stressful fencing match with Lieutenant Sulu.  Jim misled the lieutenant as to his current state of fitness.  Something similar happened a few hours later with a member of the security team much to Spock’s dismay. 

 

Spock also caught James reprogramming the replicators in the mess hall at some point that day.  James already added several new Vulcan dishes before Spock caught him in the act.  Spock would have escorted James out of the cafeteria earlier, but he was busy rewriting the captain’s report to coincide with all other versions sent to Starfleet related to the incident.  He was not upset that James reprogrammed the replicators but rather that he was not resting as he was supposed to.  He found doing so highly illogical after James screamed at him that the only reason why he was doing this was so Spock would eat more.

 

Spock was so desperate to keep James occupied that he persuaded Lieutenant Scott to design various activities in engineering to keep the captain occupied until he was on regular duty again.  It seems that endeavor was indeed successful, otherwise he would have requested Dr. McCoy to sedate the captain.

\---

Five days later when he tried to keep the captain from being a member of the away team, Spock was quite unsuccessful.  He considered having Dr. McCoy sedate James, but knew it was not a feasible solution.  Fortunately, there were no allergic reactions of any sort on that mission.  Although, the captain did fall down a small hill at some point and sprained his ankle.  Dr. McCoy found his constant calls to sick bay annoying again, not understanding that as first officer it was Spock’s job to monitor the health of his captain at all times.

 

Other than keeping the captain from endangering his own health, Spock stayed busy with the special projects besides his normal duties.  He knew he should have focused on correcting whatever error in the system that was forwarding James’ private letters to him.  However, he was much more interested in his private research projects. This was not an attempt to put off the inevitable.  Spock knew that as long as James was on light duty, he was more likely to discover that Spock was accessing his personal files.  At least, this is how Spock justified his delaying the work on the system.  It had nothing to do whatsoever with a secret desire to read more of James’ personal thoughts.  Vulcans did not have secret desires.  If he wanted to know more about James Spock should ask.  Of course, Spock was unable to do this, which was why he was reviewing the Tarsus files.

 

 

Spock was not planning on accessing that information originally when he did his search on Kevin Kirk, but due to the heavy amount of redactions, Spock needed to expand the search.  Kevin Kirk, formally Riley, was adopted by Winona Kirk three months after she returned from Tarsus.  However, in the civilian records the captain’s brother's original last name was listed as Smith.  It was obviously fake, and this alone alerted Spock to the fact something was abnormal.  This was supported by the fact that young Mr. Kirk’s Federation ID number was too high for someone born when he was.  Also, all records of Kevin Kirk’s life before adoption were kept suspiciously ambiguous. 

 

However, the fact that Starfleet facilitated an adoption, that went through in record time, told Spock that he needed to look again at Winona’s Service record.  This was something normally done for children whose parents died in the line of duty.

 

The pieces came together as he read the names of the Starfleet personnel and their dependents who died on Tarsus.  It was easy to determine that Kevin Reilly, the only surviving member of his family, was the same Kevin that was the captain’s younger brother.  Once he determined that, Spock read no further in the file.  In an effort to heed his former girlfriend's guidance, he decided that he would get the rest of the story from the captain the next time an opportunity presented itself.

 

The research on Cadet Marc was much easier to do, but resulted in just as many questions.  A quick search revealed that Cadet Winter died on Valentine’s Day of 2256 of what academy police classified as a suicide.  No other details were given.  The only additional thing he found was a piece of news footage featuring Nyota questioning all the signs that she obviously did not see.  Her eyes were red and tears were running down her cheeks. 

Spock remembered his first class with her that summer after his return.  She seemed completely different than she was just two semesters earlier.  She kept everybody at a distance except him.  She was even significantly thinner than she was the year before.  In that moment, Spock realized that she understood him more than he thought possible. 

 

Spock wondered if what happened more than two years earlier was why she was so worried about him.  He tried to broach the subject the next day with Nyota but decided not to press the issue when she asked him if he fixed his e-mail problem.  Apparently, she did not believe any of his justifications for delaying his efforts, including doing more research on discovering Admiral K's motivations in relation to his little stunt with James.  So far, that search was surprisingly fruitless.

 

It was 10 days after Spock received his last letter that he finally uncovered the error in James special e-mail program and rewrote the program so that the e-mails will only be moved to the non-Starfleet server at midnight, instead of being also sent to him.  Spock cannot confirm nor deny that doing this was extremely difficult for him for reasons he chooses not to examine in depth.

 

\---

33 days after receiving the first letter, Spock finally agreed to play chess with the captain.  It was an interesting experience due to James’ unorthodox playing style.  He never made the same move twice.  Some of his moves were almost suicidal, but he expected nothing less of James Kirk.  Doing the opposite of what is expected, seems to be a normal strategy for the man.  For the first time since he was a child, Spock actually lost a match.  He would find that shocking, if it was not for the fact that he already knows to anticipate the unexpected from James.  Of course, his less than stellar performance may have been triggered by the fact that James was not wearing a shirt when Spock entered his quarters and Spock did nothing to encourage him to put one on.

 

Because he knows to never expect anything with James Kirk, Spock should not be surprised that James knew about his tendency to rewrite his reports.

 

“Come on Spock, did you really think I wouldn’t figure it out? It was kind of obvious that you were the one who rewrote my reports due to your overuse of the adjective ‘fascinating’ alone, not to mention the electronic bread crumb trail.  Do you realize that you use the term fascinating an average 33.6 times during a shift?”  James said as he made another move on the board that was the definition of unorthodox.

 

 

“I seriously doubt I use the phrase that much.” Spock said, countering the move.

 

“Trust me, I counted.  Do you have any idea how boring it is to just sit in that chair, signing off on reports and reading through various info memos?  I have to do something to stay conscious in case something exciting happens. Remind me to impose a two page limit on IMs.” James ended with a random thought.

 

“Duly noted, Captain.” Spock said efficiently.

 

“When we are goofing off playing chess or partaking in some other leisure activity, you can call me by my first name.  Actually, I would be okay with it if you call me by my first name on the bridge but that would make you go all extra Vulcan on me.  I know you despise a complete lack of professionalism. Not that I think using first names displays a lack of professionalism.  I think that’s why you double check all of my reports to Starfleet.  Heaven forbid, I use a contraction in a formal memorandum or a font other than Times Roman 14.” James said with pure sarcasm.

 

“Formatting standards are necessary to allow the reader to focus on the content.  Memorandums are formal documents and therefore should reflect formal speech.  The use of contractions is inappropriate. However, you may use contractions in e-mail correspondence.” James just made an irritated expression before making another move that made no sense until Spock realize that it was a trap that he just moved his piece into.  Of course, he may not have noticed said trap because James finger brushed against his in a gesture that would have been considered pornographic on Vulcan, if it were intentional.  Spock was unsure if it was.

 

“It is a function of the first officer’s job to read over all of the captain’s reports for simple things such as formatting and grammar, so that the captain does not have to concern him or herself with such trivial matters.” Spock explains specifically.

 

“So you’re supposed to look over my shoulder?” James said just as he put him into check for the second time that night.

 

“In a manner of speaking.”

 

“So you are supposed to rewrite my reports to make me look like less of a fool?” James asked.

 

“No.  I do not believe you are a fool, so why would I need to rewrite your reports to reflect something that is already not the case?  You are a very intelligent person that I respect greatly.” He added to help improve the captain’s image of himself.

 

“Good answer. Too bad, I don’t believe you.”  Spock found this statement displeasing. “You could have just told me that it’s not a good idea to mention that a leader is screwing around with his assistant when he is married to someone else.  I would have understood.  By the way, why was that inappropriate?” James asked.

 

 

“15 years ago another captain made a similar remark about another leader in his official report about the planet.  This report was leaked to the media six months later, during the net leaks fiasco.  The planet retaliated by attacking a Federation research vessel that did not have heavy weapons.  33 people died in the incident.”  Spock said quietly.

 

“Okay, that’s a good reason not to put that sort of information in a report.  I would ask you why you completely rewrote what happened during the ice cream diplomacy mission, but I’m sure you have a perfectly logical explanation in that Vulcan head of yours.  I’m not mad at you, because I win again.  That means two for me and one for you.” James said gloating.

 

“You are very skilled at this game.  When did you learn to play?” Spock asked as he began to replace the pieces.

 

“I was almost 12.  After an incident where I drove my father’s vintage convertible off a cliff but lived to suffer the punishment ,I was forced into therapy.  Don’t ask why I did what I did with the car because I don’t want to get into that right now.” Jim said quickly before Spock could ask for more details.

“As you prefer.”

 

“I was a bit of a brat about it at first and refused to tell her anything.  In an effort to get me to open up, we started playing chess during the sessions.  Before long, I was spilling my guts.  No, Spock, I do not mean that literally.” James chided before he could add humor to the situation.

 

“I assumed not from the context.” Spock added as dryly as possible.

 

“I don’t know why it was just easier to talk to her over this chess board than with her at her desk taking notes and me sitting on the couch.  For a moment, I could almost pretend that we were friends.  I think that’s why I asked you to play so much in the beginning.  Playing against me wasn’t so bad.” Jim said in a moment of honesty that seemed reflected of certain things in those letters that Spock will never see another one of.

 

“I found it quite enjoyable.  This was the actual board that you played with your therapist on?” Spock asked.  It was a beautiful old set made of wood with fine detail that could not be created by machinery.  It didn’t seem like something his captain would own.

 

“Yes.  This old handmade set had been in her family for years.  Her wife gave it to me after Dr. Suarez died.”  James became quiet for a moment as he started to play with one of the pieces.  Spock could instantly tell that James was pulling away from him.  His next words confirmed that. 

 

“It’s getting late.  I think we should call it a night.  It’s actually after midnight, and we both have Alpha shift the next morning.  You need your beauty sleep. Not that you need to become any more beautiful.  I mean… never mind. The sleep deprivation is getting to me.” Jim said with a yawn that was obviously faked.  However, Spock was aware of the time and realized it would be best to leave.

 

“Although I do not require as much rest as you, it is becoming late.  It is best if I allow you to retire for the night.” Spock said as he got up from the table.

 

“If you say so.  One quick thing, before you illogically walk through the hallway and around to your room instead of just going through the bathroom.” James interrupted.

 

“It is not illogical to do things the proper way.” Spock responded

 

“It is not logical to take more time than what is necessary, but whatever.” James said with a shrug of his shoulders. “If you’re going to be looking over everything I write going to Starfleet anyway, we might as well work on the meaningless reports together.  That way you can explain to me what I’m not supposed to write, instead of just fixing everything later.  If you don’t tell me what I’m doing wrong, I am never going to learn.” James last point was very valid.

 

“Your logic is sound.  I find such a proposal advantageous.”  Spock responded.

 

“That’s good, because there is no way you’re going to be able to access my files without my permission again.  After I caught you tinkering with around my personal files, I increased my personal security and reset my default settings.  I also set it up that if you try to hack into my computer again, I will be instantly alerted.  You don’t want to know what my punishment for such a breach will be.” James said with a wink.

 

“I find those terms acceptable.” Spock said as he decided to exit through the bathroom this one time.  Spock had no idea what that punishment would be but he had no need to find out now that he made it so he would not receive any more of James’ private e-mails.

 

Because of his wonderful night in James’ presence, sleep came so quickly and easily for Spock that night that he did not even bother to check his work e-mail until after his meditation and morning hygiene routine.  The fact that he had another erotic dream involving a naked James and the misuse of chess pieces is not something that he chooses to dwell on.  Neither was the one thing he has added to his morning hygiene routine because meditation apparently has no real effect on the dream induced arousal.

 

It would not be until Spock opened his e-mail that morning did he realized with James met by restoring his default computer settings, when he saw a message from James in his inbox that arrived when he and James were in the middle of their final game of the evening.  The situation was compounded by Nyota breaking into his quarters at that moment.  However, that is a story for another time. 


	19. BeautifulChapter Seven: Thank you Nyota for not Telling James part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my beta Merklin.

 

 

 

Spock was just to the part of the letter where James uses circular logic to deny that he did have a crush on him, when his PADD was pulled out of his hands. He was so caught off guard by Nyota's presence in his quarters that he delayed in retrieving his device from her possession. This delay allowed her to discover exactly what this piece of correspondence was. This was not good by any definition of the term.

 

"Oh, look another letter. I knew you wouldn't do it. I thought you fixed it so you wouldn't receive any more of these extremely personal letters? That was our deal." Nyota said with one hand on her hip giving him a look of pure annoyance.

 

"So did I." Spock said in a tone of voice that seemed suspiciously like mumbling to him. "Please return my PADD to me, this instant." Spock demanded.

 

"No. It's best just to let me read the message now; otherwise, I will use my position as Chief Communications Officer to access it later. Remember, I am the only person that has access to all incoming and outgoing communications on this ship, including the internal e-mail system. I even have access to your special encrypted file or I do now. That's how I read the first two letters. Nice to know that he has a crush on both of us." She said with a laugh.

 

"That is an abuse of power, and James does not have a crush on me." Spock said with vehement denial.

 

"Sometimes, I think you bring delusional to new heights." Nyota said before quoting a memorable section from the first letter. "I'm not sure whether I should be jealous of you or her. That's part of the reason why I want to punch you half the time. Not that I would ever tell anybody that."

 

"I wonder what your secret boyfriend said this time." Nyota said before she began reading the first part of the current letter a loud. Spock would say something about her referring to James as his boyfriend again, but he has discovered such comments are completely fruitless. "It took me exactly two days to figure out that you usually go behind my back and edit the reports I send to Starfleet before transmission. Really, you didn't think I would figure it out?"

 

"I prefer you not read the letter at all." Spock said grabbing the device out of her hand. "Why are you in my quarters? How did you enter without my permission?" Spock questioned her.

 

"I just had to see how your first date with our captain went last night. How was the sex? " Nyota asked as she pulled out her own PADD.

 

"It was not a date." Spock said defensively not commenting on her question. It was not worth dignifying with a response.

 

"I would quote Shakespeare but I'm not in the mood. You're protesting too much for it not to be a date. You also seem unbelievably happy for you. That's an obvious sign." Nyota said as she preoccupied herself with her PADD.

 

"I am not happy. Happiness is an emotion." Spock responded.

 

"Spock, it's too early in the morning for your 'I have no emotions because I am Vulcan' bullshit. We both know that's a complete lie and James Kirk has the uncanny skill to make you feel things that you're not quite ready to." He completely agreed with her but would not give her such satisfaction.

 

"I got a little worried after you did not respond to any of my calls and e-mails. I even text messaged you twice during your date and no response. I just ran your buzzer twice and no answer. Then again, good sex was probably involved last night even though I warned you multiple times that it was not a good idea right now. If you remember correctly, when we were sleeping together, you gave me the code to your room in case of an emergency." Spock remembered such an action and deeply regretted that decision due to the current circumstance.

 

"James and I did not engage in any sexual activities the night before nor do I plan to," anytime soon. Spock added that last part only in his mind. The addition must have been influenced by the erotic dreams that had seemed to plague him for the last month. He was still trying to decide if this was an improvement over those weeks of dreams about trying to save his mother from certain doom.

 

"Okay," was all Nyota said, in a voice that conveyed pure skepticism. That told Spock she obviously didn't believe him. That was understandable because Spock did not believe himself.

 

"After this conversation is over I will adjust my code to censure your abuse of the privilege. Needing to know about someone's date the night before is not an emergency." Spock complained. He thought about mentioning that if he and James did engage in sexual intercourse the night before she would have caught the two engaging in similar activities this morning. Still, Nyota would press the issue in a way that would make him highly uncomfortable. However, such a statement would result in a different conversation that Spock desired to avoid at all cost.

 

"You are no fun. You just said that you and James did have a date last night." Nyota said with a pout, as she sat on his couch, with PADD still in hand.

 

"It was not a date." Spock denied again. Dating involves… Okay it was a date by certain definitions of the term, complete with James unintentionally groping him on multiple occasions. However, Spock refused to tell Nyota this under any circumstances.

 

"Fine, whatever. I don't need you to tell me all the juicy details because I have Jim's account of what happened since you most likely lied to me. You didn't fix the e-mail problem and you told me you did. How can I trust you? Really, it is your own fault for not doing what I told you to do. I think you enjoy reading his secret thoughts a little too much and couldn't give it up. That is an obvious sign you are completely in love with him. " Nyota said as she started to read something on her PADD.

 

"You sent James' most recent letter to yourself, did you not?" Spock asked already knowing the answer to this question.

 

"You know me so well. Again, it is your own fault for not doing what you were told. He is right; you do use the word 'fascinating' too much. You used the word 33 times once during your Advanced Vulcan class. There was a reason why one of your classes bought you a thesaurus for your end of semester gift." Spock remembered that but thought nothing of it, because it was not the first time he received a thesaurus as a present. He just assumed that the students had no idea what to get him.

 

"I did repair the coding error." Spock said ignoring her comment about his overuse of certain words.

 

"Then why am I reading James' theory about why you read over his reports, when it's a perfectly normal function of your job? Although, he is right that you get off on correcting everyone's grammar. I'm just glad you're not correcting my use of contractions anymore." Spock would have again denied that he received sexual gratification from correcting the grammar of others, but he did not have the energy for such a conversation. It was probably just a human expressio,n anyway.

 

"Unfortunately, due to various circumstances, including Admiral Pike notifying James of the various modifications I made to his report, James became aware that I made certain modifications to his personal computer. He was slightly upset about this breach of privacy and informed me of such during our game last night. As a result, he has fortified his personal Security System and reset all settings to their default. This means…" Spock started the last part but was interrupted by Nyota.

 

"That our brilliant captain keeps inadvertently spilling his guts to you." Nyota said bluntly.

 

"Essentially, yes." Spock said without visibly showing frustration or questioning her very human use of standard. Again, he did not have the energy to play the clown.

 

"There were some brilliant confessions in this; such as this exquisite passage referring to Pike pointing out the obvious, 'he may point out that I am a little bit too obsessed with being your friend, if I really just want to be your friend. I do not need my pseudo father telling me that I have a crush on my very unavailable first officer. Even if I do have a crush on you, Uhura will tear off my balls if I tried to make a move on you. You may do the same thing. However, I do not have a crush on you."

 

If he were human, Spock would become scarlet at the words. Instead, he was turning green.

 

"Must you read that out loud?" Spock asked with one eyebrow raised in annoyance.

 

"Yes. Currently, you are giving Kermit a run for his money in the green department. You're so adorable when you blush. He still thinks that we're dating? Why does he think we're dating?" She questioned giving Spock a puzzled look.

 

"You are the one who suggested that we do not publicly advertise that we are no longer a couple to prevent unwanted sexual advances." Spock said in his defense. He would not tell her that the real reason he has not informed James of his single status was because the thought of being in a relationship with James terrified him, not that Spock would admit to being terrified.

 

"In your case, I sincerely doubt that whatever Jim is doing to you is unwanted. Considering you're going from sea to forest green, I think you will agree. It's not working anyway, considering I was asked out five times today by various members of the security team, even though I tell them to go to hell and that my Vulcan boyfriend will beat them up for stupidity. Than one of them tried to grab my ass. This is the stupid stuff they do when they think I have a boyfriend that can rip them in half. I don't want to know what they'll do when they find out I am single because you're dating our captain." Spock chose to focus on the part of her statement that involved certain members of the crew violating Starfleet's sexual harassment policy, as well as, his so-called visible show of emotion.

 

"I am not blushing. Vulcans do not blush. Please give me their names and I will handle the disciplinary issue, personally. Also, when the time presents itself, I would like to assist you with improving your self-defense skills. " Spock responded.

 

"I already put 'Cupcake' in sick bay for grabbing my ass, but a little extra help would be good. Then maybe I could go on the more exciting away missions once we start getting more real missions. As for the blushing, you're not the sole representative of the Vulcan race. Didn't I already say something about it being fruitless for you to deny that you have emotions? You are you. I like that about you." Nyota said, patting him on the back before continuing.

 

"You should have told Jim that we're not together. James isn't just any member of the crew. At the very least, he's your friend, even if we both know that Jim and you want more than that. Look, more blushing." Nyota ended by pointing to his cheeks that were, in fact, slightly green.

 

"Even if I were to display embarrassment, which is impossible because I do not have that emotion, it is irrelevant." This resulted in Nyota rolling her eyes in dramatic fashion as she went back to reading the letter as he spoke. "When we agreed to pretend to still be together to avoid unwanted sexual harassment, you specifically said that James was one of the people that you did not want to know." Spock pointed out.

 

"At the time, I thought he was trying to get into my pants, not yours. It turns out it's both. Okay, that's not completely true. Apparently, he just wants you and not just for sex. In my old, stereotypical view of our captain, I would never see him as the type of guy to take a partner back home and not do anything. He is not who I thought he was. Actually, Jim Kirk is the complete opposite of what everybody thinks he is." Spock agreed with that statement. James was an enigma, but Spock enjoy being in the presence of the fascinating intriguing man.

 

"You have my permission to tell Jim that we are only pretending to still be together to keep certain idiots from grabbing my ass and staring at my legs; in addition, to keeping my friend Christine from trying to get in your pants."

 

"I did not think that she was available?" Spock questioned.

 

"It's complicated. We need better sexual harassment classes, or maybe more shore leave. Too much sexual tension makes people do stupid things." Nyota mumbled under her breath. Even though she was no longer his girlfriend, he felt it was disrespectful for any crew member to be treated in such a way by their colleagues, as well as, certain diplomats that behave badly.

 

"I believe you are correct." Spock said, thinking back to certain sexually charged dreams he has been having recently.

 

"Unlike those guys, our captain can at least keep his hands to himself when the time is right. I'm starting to realize that the way Jim acts is essentially a façade to keep everyone at a distance. The more I read these letters, the more I realize he is not who I thought he was. It's obvious he's not the ship slut, even if he is very attracted to you. 'You are absolutely gorgeous and I think your ears are as sexy as hell. So maybe during the hearing I was 100% sure you were gay. I wasn't sure if you were going to kiss me or throttle me.'" Nyota quoted from the first letter. At least, she didn't mention the next part of the letter involving Jim's desire to be kissed.

 

"Did you have to memorize that passage?" Spock asked in annoyance.

 

"Yes, I did. I was at the hearing and I thought the same thing, especially because I already knew that you are bi. I may not be very proud of it, but I kissed you on the transporter pad to stake my claim that day, not that it mattered. ‘Do not worry, you are so much hotter than he is and I don't mean that literally. Also, we didn't go all the way. Not that I'm really paying attention to how hot you are, but I already told you in these letters that I think you're drop dead gorgeous. You are the hottest person on the ship with your sexy eyebrow raises.’” Spock was sincerely regretting his decision not to speed read this particular letter as Nyota read part of the letter that he did not get to yet.

 

"Before I knew him, I didn't think Jim turning down sex was a possibility. Although, the fact that he finds your eyebrow sexy just seems very like the Jim he pretends to be." Spock will not confirm nor deny that he became an extremely dark shade of green at that moment due to the confessions in the passage.

 

"I don't know who's more in denial: you, or him?" Nyota said looking at him.

 

"I do not know what you are talking about." Spock said in response.

 

"Sure you don't. I am sure you're smiling on the inside." Nyota said with a roll of her eyes. "Although, I do feel bad for some of the things I said to him in the past. There was some nasty comment involving farm animals the first time we met. I may have said some other nasty things to him when he joined the xenolinguistics club because I thought he was just there to pick up dates. I didn't even consider that he was fluent in 15 languages. I think I contributed to his low self-esteem as much as anyone else. From what I've read, I think he really hates himself." Nyota said sadly.

 

"Although, I am worried about James' low self-esteem, you cannot blame yourself for that situation. Many factors contributed to the current situation, including a certain Starfleet admiral designing a mission for failure." Spock reassured her.

 

"I blame myself for a lot of things that I shouldn't, Spock." Nyota whisper to herself, but Spock still heard her.

 

"Such as?" Spock prompted.

 

"Why do I always forget about Vulcan hearing? If I made my grandmother take better care of herself, maybe she wouldn't have died and I would not have spent my teenage years at boarding school. That was not a very happy time in my life. Sometimes, I wonder if I showed up to my grandmother's office a little bit earlier, maybe I could have saved her. Lately, I wonder if I told someone else other than my stupid professor about a certain conversation I overheard that, maybe Gaila and billions of other beings would still be alive. Maybe, if I just told you that Gaila was the one who assisted Jim with inserting the subroutine in your program, she would have been safely on Earth because she would have been suspended." He could hear the desperation in her voice. Spock wondered about that himself but said nothing. However, he did not want to add to her burden.

 

"You do not know if that would have helped." Spock said, trying to comfort her.

 

"The ship psychologist, Dr. Suarez, said the same thing. Then again, you don’t know that doing something slightly different would have allowed you to save your mother. We all play the 'what if' game sometimes, and it is fruitless. You can't change the past unless red matter is involved, and then it becomes messy. Are you still dreaming about her every night?" She asked. She made a very valid point.

 

"Fortunately, no." Spock said with what sounded suspiciously like relief.

 

"That's good. Do you want to have breakfast with me, or do you have another morning date with your boyfriend?" Nyota said jokingly.

 

"As I have said many times previously, James is not my boyfriend nor are we dating. Vulcans do not date." Spock said defensively.

 

"I would repeat what I said earlier, but I don't feel like it. I don't believe the Vulcans don't date thing because one, we actually dated." Spock just raised one eyebrow to that comment.

 

"If you count just having sex as dating and I do." Nyota added. "Second, little baby Vulcans must come from somewhere, unless all children are genetically engineered."

 

"Technically, Vulcans don't date because most relationships are arranged during childhood. I was promised to a young woman named T'Pring at the age of seven. I believe her parents agreed for her to marry me in exchange for 200,000 credits and a summerhouse in the country. Of course, she despised me anyway because I was 'infected with humanness'." Spock could not prevent the bitterness from his voice as he thought of his former intended. Although, she was no longer among the living, he still hated her, even if he personally believed that hate was the most illogical emotion of all.

 

"It amazes me that a society as technologically advanced as Vulcan could be so backward sometimes. You are the most wonderful person I've ever met. You're beautiful inside and out. It's disgusting that her prejudice kept her from seeing that." She complemented him. He knew that she was being sincere, but it was still hard for Spock to see the value in her words. He spent so much of his childhood being treated as worthless that he started to believe it himself.

 

"Whatever happened to the bitch? Please tell me I fucked her fiancé behind her back. It seems like she deserved it." A wide grin appeared on Nyota's face as she asked her question.

 

"According to her lover, before the destruction of Vulcan she was planning to legally arrange for my death in the most painful way possible so she could marry the Vulcan that she has been engaged in a sexual relationship with for 7.8 years and yet still obtain social standing in my house. She perished when the planet was destroyed, but her lover survived because he was off planet to accompany his father on a business trip." Spock said as indifferently as possible.

 

"I know it's wrong to be happy that someone died, but I believe in trying to see a silver lining in everything." Nyota said, almost smiling. Surprisingly Spock agreed with her, even if he was not completely sure what she meant. However, just at that moment, James walked through the shared bathroom.

 

"A certain asshole admiral that I despise just asked for a 20 page report on the new plant life we discovered on the last mission due in 4 hours that he expects me to personally prepare because he's just that big of a dick. Actually, that will be 3 hours and 53 minutes at this point." James says as he walked into the room.

 

"Do you know how to knock?" Nyota asked.

 

"Sorry, it was an emergency. I'm going to need your boyfriend this morning." James said, actually giving her a sheepish smile.

 

"He's all yours. You can do whatever you want with him." Nyota said. Spock had a feeling that there was additional meaning in that statement. "Ship stuff comes first. That must have just come in. I told the entire communications team that all transmissions from you know who were supposed to be flagged for me, so you don't have to talk to him without backup." Nyota said in irritation. They both agreed that all communications with that particular admiral were to be recorded and archived on a non-Starfleet server just in case. Just then, Nyota's communicator beeped with a text message from a member of her team who was currently on bridge duty.

 

"Great, now she calls me. It looks like breakfast is completely out because I need to go yell at someone. Maybe we can do dinner tonight?" Nyota asked.

 

"Spock and I were supposed to go over the schedules for the next two months, but we could do that later." James said, reminding Spock of what they agreed to do the night before.

 

"No, don't worry about it. As I said before, ship things come first. I'll see you later, because I have lab duty today." With that, Nyota was gone, and he and James were trying to placate someone who could not be pleased.

 

Due to various circumstances, including Admirals who created busy work for the sake of their own sadism, Spock was unable to finish reading James's letter until he retired that evening after doing paperwork over dinner with James. This was not due to lack of effort on Spock's part. Spock tried multiple times on the bridge to read the second half of James letter, but stopped every time James made some excuse to come over to Spock's station. If Spock was not deeply aware of James' sexual attraction to him, this would be an obvious sign of the crush James vehemently denied in the current letter. After his seventh attempt, Spock gave up on trying to read the letter in James' presence. Besides, doing such a thing was extremely risky. Spock did not want James to discover that he knew about the letters from James seeing him read one during shift.

 

Of course, Nyota may take the matter out of his hands and tell James anyway. Spock was unable to ask her that morning if she was going to tell James about the letters now that Spock was unable to keep his part of their agreement due to circumstances beyond his control. He tried to speak with her at lunch, but was called away by an e-mail exchange with a certain admiral that Spock despises if he was willing to admit to such a thing.

 

It was after midnight before Spock was able to read the rest of James' most recent letter without interruption. He will not confirm nor deny that he blushed again when re-reading James denial of his crush or his various complements regarding Spock's physical appearance. The more time he spent with James, the more he was willing to accept that James saw him as beautiful. Of course, Spock was unsure of why James saw this, but he accepted it.

 

Spock wholeheartedly agree that voice recognition software was out to get James as much as any non-sanctioned object could be, because Spock was sure that was what triggered the programming error that Spock is now currently unable to repair again. (Spock doubted he wanted to repair that mistake again, even if he could access James' computer without triggering the alarm, not that he would tell anyone that.) Spock was also pretty sure the voice recognition incident James was referring to included a vague reference to James' preparations for his third attempt at the Kobayashi Maru.

 

However, the question that gave Spock pause was, "So why did you essentially lie to Starfleet on my behalf?" Spock was not sure how to answer that question anymore. When he altered every single report, including Nyota's, he told himself he was doing it so 'Admiral K' would not win and would have no logical reason to take Enterprise away from James. If anyone other than Admiral Pike knew that he provided inaccurate information in an official report, Spock could face court martial. Yet, despite the consequences, Spock would do it all over again. He knew what he told himself at the time, but in hindsight Spock knows that was a lie.

 

Spock considered more meditation on the matter, but he doubted meditation would be fruitful. Self-examination only works when you are being honest with yourself. Spock has not been honest with himself for a very long time.

\----

This is what led to having coffee with his former girlfriend in the officer's dining hall at 1:03 AM ship time. Actually, in his case it was tea, but he has been informed that it was okay to refer to the practice as 'having coffee' when no coffee was actually consumed. Nyota was a good listener and stayed quiet until Spock was done explaining the situation to her.

 

"I wasn't going to argue with your decision to alter the reports about what happened on what Jim is referring to as the ‘ice cream diplomacy incident’. Everything we told Starfleet is true, to some degree. We just left out the stuff that you know who may use to get rid of Jim. I thought about doing it anyway, but I was surprised that you asked me to do it. Your request did make me wonder why. I think I know the answer, but I'm not sure you do. Otherwise, you would not have sent me a text message requesting a heart to heart in the middle of the night. Thank God you and I are both doing beta shift tomorrow, so you can work on some special projects." She said, taking a bite of the special croissants that James programs into the replicator.

 

"This is actually edible. It's nice to know that our captain used his programming skills for good."

 

"Why do you think I altered the reports?" Spock questioned as she complemented James reprogramming skills.

 

"There were lots of reasons. The obvious one was I think you wanted to make James look as good as possible. You wanted those who doubted him to see what you see. Even though some days you are a little bit hard on him and everyone else, I know you see his great potential. You're hard on him to make him better. Maybe, you're that way because of how you grew up. I have met your father. Unfortunately, Jim doesn't quite see it that way, but he's getting better. You did that all the time with your students back at the academy. I think that's a little of what you're doing now." She said taking the first drink of her cappuccino. "This actually tastes like real Starbucks. Okay, our captain has way too much time on his hands." She remarked.

 

"As long as we keep receiving assignments that keep us close to Earth that will remain the case. He is less likely to destroy the ship if he is occupied, and this was one of the more productive options. Having edible food in the replicator has improved ship morale by 27.3%." Spock would also mentioned that allowing James to reprogram the replicators in his spare time was keeping a certain member of engineering from unsuccessfully doing the same, but chose not to.

 

"You feel that there is more to my decision than me wanting to help James reach his potential?" Spock questioned her as he drank some of his tea.

 

"It's more complicated than that. Then again, everything is complicated. It is just natural to want to protect those that you care about. It is obvious that you really do care about Jim from some of the crazy things you do, besides lying to Starfleet. He grazes your fingers every time he hands you your PADD, but you never say anything. It took me months before you were willing to go to lunch with me; it only took Jim a few weeks. Those are just a few examples. I can already see potential there. I don't know how it happened so fast." She said staring at her cappuccino.

 

"I don't love James." Spock said in vehement denial.

 

"I didn't say love, Spock, I said care. You said the L word, not me. I think the problem with modern standard is there is only one word for love when the concept is much more complex. There are different types of love. I don't love you as a lover in the ‘until death do us part’ way, but I care about what happens to you. I love you in a platonic way, mostly. When I see you in emotional pain, it hurts me. I hate seeing you in pain. Therefore, I'm going to do things like tell Dr. McCoy and Dr. Suarez you're not eating. That's what you do for the friends you love." She said vehemently.

 

"You also slept with me." Spock added.

 

"Don't use us is an example. Our relationship is complicated and unique." She said, using that word again. Spock was starting to see the word complicated the same way he saw the word 'fine'. "Then again, so are your feelings for James. You care about him. I think your feelings are more than platonic, but that is something you're going to have to come to terms with on your own. Even though I joke about it, I cannot tell you how you feel." She responded honestly.

 

"If I could come to terms with my emotions regarding James on my own, I would not be seeking your guidance at 1:17 AM ship time." Spock told her pointedly.

 

"I'm just happy you're acknowledging you have emotions that you need to come to terms with. This would be easier if you were completely out of denial, but it's a start. The first step to coming out of denial is acknowledging that you are in denial. First question, do you find James Kirk sexy as hell?" Nyota prompted with a wicked smirk.

 

"How can one find a dimension associated with torture sexually stimulating?" Spock asked deliberately misinterpreting her question.

 

"I don't have time for this." Nyota said with a sigh of exasperation. "Remind me to explain the concepts of D/s and sadomasochism when I'm not on the verge of falling asleep or smacking you upside the head at any moment. I meant, do you find him aesthetically pleasing? Look, you are becoming green again." Nyota said as she took another drink of her coffee.

 

"I am familiar with the concept of sadomasochism." Spock said nonchalantly, trying to not answer her question. In any case, his cheeks were not green because he found James sexually attractive, but rather because he remembered a particular dream from a few nights previous that involved leather restraints, an old fashion four post bed, chocolate body paint, and a naked Jim.

 

"Answer my question." Nyota demanded.

 

"He is visually stimulating." Spock said in resignation as he took a small drink of his tea.

 

"I'm going to take that as a yes." Nyota said smirking. “Next question, so do you want to have sex with him?"

 

"I refuse to answer that question. It is irrelevant." Spock responded as he became slightly greener. It was not his fault because his mind was unfortunately replaying the mental images of himself sucking chocolate body paint out of James' belly button from his earlier dream, as James was restrained to the bed. Spock cursed his perfect memory at that moment.

 

"I'm going to also take that as a yes. You are a very interesting shade of green when you are thinking of Jim inappropriately. Also, you might want to consider looser uniform pants." Nyota said pointing to his obvious partial erection.

 

"I did not say yes." Spock interjected as he slid further under the table to conceal the evidence. This resulted in laughter from Nyota.

 

"Little Spock did it for you. I like Little Spock, because he can't lie. We both know that you care about him as more than a friend. So the real question is what are you afraid of?" Nyota questioned.

 

"My reasons for terminating our relationship have not changed in the last month. I doubt a relationship with someone else would be any more successful." Spock started with this argument because it seemed the least complicated.

 

"Yes, but you have. You no longer seemed dead on the outside. You will never be like you were before Vulcan was destroyed, but you are becoming a new you. This is a time of adjustment for you. James is the one responsible for that. You are staring to live your life again. That's a good thing. Why are you afraid of what you're feeling?"

 

"I am not afraid." He decided to not use his heritage as the reason why he was not afraid because that would most likely trigger another lecture from Nyota.

 

"Yes, you are. I personally think it is because you don't think he will feel the same way about you." She said looking directly at him. He hates it when she is right.

 

"Maybe." Spock responded looking away.

 

"It seems James isn't the only one with a poor self-image. Have we been reading the same letters?" Nyota asked sardonically. "He's crazy about you, and not in a 'he needs to see the ship psychologist' way."

 

"I am uncertain because I do not know what files you have abused your privileges as chief communications officer to access." Spock said, using humor to deflect attention

 

"Very funny. He cares about you, and not in a 'I just want to get in his pants' sort of way. You did finish reading the most recent letter before you called me about your current existential crisis?" Nyota asked with a pointed look.

 

"Of course," he said in response as he ate one of the croissants. James knew his taste very well.

 

"He completely covered for you during your little indiscretion on the bridge. If that doesn't scream 'I care about you,' I don't know what does." She finished.

 

"I tried to kill him. That was no small indiscretion." Spock said with high amounts of self-loathing. He deeply regrets his actions now.

 

"Put the self-loathing away. If you wanted him dead, he would have been dead. You purposely had the security team shoot to stun, not kill. You were the one who tutored me in Vulcan Culture and told me all about the various ways that you can kill someone with one touch. You did not apply any of those techniques; instead, you went with something that was probably one step away from erotic asphyxiation." Spock almost interrupted her, but he had no idea how to defend himself from her most recent accusation.

 

"It doesn't really matter, because you would have been kicked out just for assault of an officer anyway, if he didn't delete the video footage from the bridge and convince the rest of us not to say anything about what happened. My friend that works for 'Admiral K' told me that they heard rumors about what happened, but had no proof. Let's just say he's a xenophobic, too, and you're probably on his hate list as well." Spock would not be surprised. The man would probably not even talk to Spock, if he didn't think it would help him get rid of the other person that he despises.

 

"What do you mean by James convinced you and several others not to say anything about what happened that day? That was not in the letter." Spock questioned her.

 

"I don't know if he approached anyone else, but he came by my apartment the night before my meeting with 'Admiral K' to help me pack up Gaila's things. I didn't turn him away because I needed the emotional support. You were busy planning …" Nyota stopped mid-word, suddenly becoming quiet.

 

"My mother's funeral." Spock supplied for her. It did not hurt as much to say that now.

 

"Probably. Besides, he was friends with Gaila for a while, and he deserved to mourn too. That's why she was so pissed off about James using her in his little stunt before everything fell apart." Nyota pause as she took another drink of her cappuccino.

 

"Anyway, that's when he asked me not to say anything to 'Admiral K' or anyone else about what happened. He said you didn't deserve to lose your career in Starfleet because of something he did because you were grieving, and at least he didn't have to worry about you suffering from alcohol poisoning. At that point, I said something very stupid about him not really understanding grief, even if his father died when he was a baby. Then he told me about Sam, and I mentioned my grandmother. There were copious amounts of alcohol consumed at some point. It essentially became our version of a wake. That's why I thought it would be good for you to talk to him before I knew about the mutual attraction." He wanted to tell her that his conversations with James have rarely moved beyond work, but did not.

 

"Even if James finds me fascina—captivating, there are 97 reasons why cultivating a romantic relationship with James would be ill advised at this time." Spock then proceeded to mention the first six reasons why a relationship would not work, including Starfleet's obvious displeasure with such a thing before he was cut off.

 

"Sometimes, I really think you over think things. First of all, you don't have to have sex with someone immediately in a relationship. In some cultures throughout the galaxy, people actually wait until the local equivalent of marriage before engaging in sex."

 

"Vulcan are one of these cultures, usually." Spock said pointedly.

 

"Apparently, you go by human sexual values." Nyota mumbled under her breath before continuing. "There's nothing wrong with dating. Go to lunch with him and talk about something other than work. Do a movie night. Play chess again. How did that go last night? Apparently, the letter was written before you arrived. That was so unfair." She said with a hint of irritation.

 

"It was pleasant." Spock replied without elaborating.

 

"I will assume that is Spock for, 'That was the best experience of my life.' I would definitely encourage more chess."

 

"What will this accomplish?" Spock questions.

 

"You'll get to know him better. Then, once you know him better, you can decide if those many reasons you have for running away are still valid."

 

"I doubt Starfleet will completely rewrite their standards regarding relationships within command teams." Spock scoffed.

 

"They did it once. I thought those regulations did not apply to species that require sex for survival and their partners anyway." Spock would ask her how she knew about that, but would not do so in this almost public setting. "Going slow will also give you time to recover emotionally. You just lost your mom, and you're trying to adjust to that. This isn't the time to rush into something again." Nyota said soundly.

 

"Your advice is logical." Spock's said in agreement, yet he was unsure if that would work.

 

"The next step is to let him know that you're available, and that you want to be more than just his friend." Nyota told him.

 

"Will he not notice that by the fact that Jim and I are dating?" Spock asked.

 

"Under normal circumstances, yes, but denial is a wonderfully frustrating thing. In addition, I don't think he's going to figure that out until he knows for sure that we're not together. So did you tell him yet?" This comment prompted several justifications for why he did not have the time to correct James' assumption.

 

"Eight excuses in under 2 minutes. That's a record. You forgot to include that you're using our supposed relationship to keep him at arm's length just like he's using it as an excuse."

 

"I am not using it as an excuse."

 

"Sure you're not. I'm not going to force you to tell him that you're single or about the letters. You're going to have to do that in your own time." Spock let out a breath of air that he did not know he was holding at that moment.

 

"That's the complete reversal of your earlier opinion." Spock commented.

 

"I have the right to change my mind. In the meantime, I spoke to a few Jim Kirk experts who provided me with alternate opinions. However, it's going to be a lot easier if you tell him than if he finds out accidentally. You're a smart guy. You know that the longer you wait, the higher the probability will be that he will find out." He knew that she was right, but he didn't say anything as she got up from the table.

 

"Who were these experts?" Spock asked trying to divert her attention.

 

"One was Dr. McCoy, who ended up having lunch with me when you two were called away by you know who. He informed me that it was in my best interest to deny knowing anything whatsoever about the letters or actually reading the letters. When they were roommates, Leonard came across one of the letters that Jim wrote to his brother Sam. When Jim found out about it there were vast amounts of cursing and furniture being broken. Things were back to normal two days later after vast quantities of alcohol were consumed. In my case, it would probably involve my transfer to another ship, due to how I accessed the first two letters. You may want to increase security around your special encrypted folder. It only took me 20 minutes to figure it out." If he were not Vulcan, he would be worried (or possibly impressed) by that piece of information including her breaking into his special file. He had no idea what to say in response.

 

"Don't worry. The other Jim Kirk expert I spoke with said that he won't be that upset, eventually. Also, because the letters were addressed to you he won't be nearly as offend. You will be fine. If I hug you right now for support, will you run away?"

 

"I find hugging acceptable. Who was this other expert?" Spock asked getting up from the table.

 

"I don't think you want me to tell you. It may confirm your worst fear. Besides, according to your special friend, it could induce a world ending paradox." She said as she placed her arms around him. Due to a small amount of skin contact and her subtle hint he knew that she was referring to his other self.

 

"He also told me to remind you that you are beautiful and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Just remember that James sees you that way too, and everything will be okay."

 

"Thank you." Was all Spock said as he pulled away.


	20. Beautiful Chapter eight: You Are Not a Rectum, and I Am Unsure If I Can Do This Dating ‘Thing’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last chapter.
> 
> This chapter takes place during the events of the fourth and fifth letters.
> 
> A/N: I just want to let everyone know that ‘Admiral K’ is an original character to some extent. The character is more symbolic than anything else. The reason why I don’t give the character a real name is because he is representative of corruption in government and those that abuse their power.

Dating James was much more difficult than Spock thought possible.  Actually, dating James was one of the most difficult things Spock experienced, next to surviving the torture referred to as the Vulcan public education system.  After 14 days of trying to get to know James better, Spock had very little to show for it other than an argument that ended tonight’s chess game abruptly with Spock receiving a knight to the head.  Now, Spock was trying to figure out what he did wrong.

The first few minutes of their second chess game went well, until Spock asked a simple question about James' brother Kevin.  James suddenly became angry, resulting in one of their more violent arguments breaking out. This led to James saying several unpleasant things before Spock realized it was in his best interest to leave before he was pelted with more chess pieces.  This was one of the more violent examples of how James refuses to let Spock see anything other than the façade he keeps in place.

 Spock has met Vulcans that were less emotionally reserved.  Every time Spock asked James a question that was non-Starfleet related, 84.2% of the time James would not answer the question at all with the use of various strategies.  31.2% of that time James just redirects the conversation.  25.3% of the time he would use humor to deflect the situation, which was similar to a technique that Spock has utilized himself on multiple occasions.  5.3% of the time Jim uses becoming argumentative as a strategy to end uncomfortable conversations like tonight.  Although, this was the first time James utilized physical violence in this technique.

During their eight lunch dates, six breakfast dates, four dinner dates, and two chess games the conversation focused on work related things 87.4% of the time.  All of Spock’s attempts at more personal conversation were instantly redirected by various means.  James now knows about every project that the science lab will be working on for the next six months in excruciating detail.  James even knows about several of the non-sanctioned experiments Spock is working on in his spare time, such as genetically modifying traditional Vulcan food crops for their new climate on N745, which will soon become the home of the New Vulcan colony.  The new planet is more temperate with 72% more rainfall.

In the same vein, Spock was familiar with several of the new projects that James was planning on doing in the near future, including scheduling emergency practice drills to keep everybody in sharp during their current mission, Jim’s continued reprogramming of the food replicators, and a reconfiguring of the ship e-mail archiving system, that Spock does not want to know the details of for the sake of plausible deniability.  Nyota was the one who suggested that particular project (much to Spock’s dismay) to get Jim to discover the error on his own.  She did this after it was discovered that there was no way to reconfigure James’ personal e-mail settings again without notifying the captain of the modifications.

During his first chess game with James, the conversation focused on why Starfleet was not using the Enterprise in the way the Federation’s flagship was traditionally used.  They were both equally dismayed at the lack of exploration type missions.  The fact that they were currently being used as a glorified delivery vessel was even more disheartening. 

The most personal thing Spock discovered in this conversation was that some of Admiral K’s animosity towards James was triggered by James preventing the Admiral from dating his mother immediately after her divorce.  Three weeks after this incident, Winona Kirk was reassigned to the research team station on Tarsus IV.  According to the list of Starfleet casualties, Ms. Kirk was the only member of the team to survive. Spock couldn’t help but wonder if Winona was assigned to the remote colony for turning down the then well-connected captain, who was originally on the fast track to admiral before his career stalled for nearly a decade.  There were rumors about such things going on, but there was no proof. Otherwise, Admiral K would have never reached that position. 

When Spock prompted James to elaborate more on the subject, he gave a fake yawn and told Spock he was 'sleepy'.  Spock did not believe him because it was not even 2200 hours yet.  His captain is what some on earth might refer to as a 'night owl'.  Sometimes, Spock believed James slept less than he did. Spock has received 73 official e-mails in the middle of the night from his captain.  Three nights ago, they engaged in a live message chat at 3:22 AM regarding a certain female ensign who is becoming more open with her sexual advances, to the point that James actually notices her inappropriate behavior regarding him and is extremely annoyed, much to Spock’s delight--not that he felt delight over such a matter.  However, Spock could admit to finding pleasure in describing to Jim in great detail the 14 options that were available to him, including transferring the ensign to another ship.

Two of their lunch dates focused on planning a new sexual harassment seminar.  This conversation began because Spock explained to Jim why Nyota put the security team member that James refers to as 'cupcake' in sick bay.  The whole reason why Spock brought up the subject in the first place was to explain to him that he was no longer in a sexual relationship with Nyota.  James did not allow the conversation to get that far, and secretly Spock was pleased with this. 

James suggested that the ship’s psychologist, Dr. Madison-Suarez (although she usually just goes by Dr Suarez), organize a special seminar on the subject that all personnel will attend, and then proceeded to speak very highly of her for 15 minutes never allowing Spock to return to the original subject matter of their conversation.  Spock wondered if James knew her beforehand, but Spock’s inquiry was answered by James leaving to go do paperwork.  This was an obvious excuse because by this point they were doing all paperwork together.  Spock doubted James had anything else to do but allowed him to leave anyway.

In contrast, during work hours, their conversations only focused on work 81.2% of the time.  Spock found it odd that they actually focused less on work related material when working then during their recreational period.  At least, once during every shift James would send him a text message or instant message about a book or film he has read or seen recently.  As long as he was not busy, Spock would indulge his captain in these conversations, such as earlier that day before the altercation during the chess match via the ship’s instant messenger service.  Currently, they were on another unfortunate supply run.

 

KirkJT: _I finally read the butter battle book last night.  I actually liked it.  It was interesting for something that was designed for elementary school kids._

James sent Spock this message during an extremely uneventful afternoon.  Most people in Starfleet realized by their second tour that there are two states of activity: next to nothing to do and being in the middle of a crisis without much of a balance in between.  Of course, Spock always kept himself occupied during these times with extra projects or catching up on various reports or scientific journal articles.  James usually kept himself occupied by sending Spock emails or text messages.  Spock did not complain about this practice because James was much more open in his written messages then he was during their actual conversations.

 

SpockX: _Although it is one of my all-time favorite earth books, why were you reading a children’s book last night?_

Spock typed in his reply, choosing to participate in this particular conversation for reasons he will not admit to himself.

KirkJT _: I was bored and you didn’t respond to any of my messages last night.  Two, I am bored now and we’re not doing anything other than traveling in the middle of empty space being used as Starfleet’s personal version of FedEx. Stars were cooler to look at when I lived in the middle of nowhere and had nothing to do but stare at the sky after a good bar fight._

SpockX: _Stars are never cool in the literal sense although I understand your sentiment.  However, why did you choose to read that particular book?_

KirkJT: You two mentioned it and it sounded interesting.  The ship psychologist will probably argue that I’m trying to relive my childhood because it was so crappie but really I’m trying to avoid my normal late night entertainment for combating insomnia.  I think it’s triggering really strange dreams.  Again, you’re so lucky that Vulcans do not dream.

Spock sincerely doubted that the captain's unusual dreams were any stranger than the ones he has been having recently of a very erotic nature.  One of his more recent dreams involved the re-creation of a scene from a 20th century film that his former girlfriend forced him to watch one evening against his better judgment.  He blames her for his peculiar dream where he was running around in a corset and black stockings singing an illogical song about being transgender.

SpockX: _I was asleep when you contacted me and I responded promptly the next morning.  Are these unusual dreams the reason why you have been sleeping significantly less than the recommended time for a human your age?  What was the subject of your dream?_

Spock asked because he knew that his current string of erotic dreams was affecting his sleep negatively compared to his quality of sleep before everything fell apart.  Although, he will admit that it was much easier to fall asleep again after having a dream where James consumes whipped cream by licking it off Spock’s member than seeing his mother die again.  Spock did not like the fact that these dreams were causing him to change his sheets 13.4% more often, in addition to his need to add 20 minutes to his morning hygiene routine to take care of the dream induced arousal by whatever means necessary.

Spock could tell by James’ body language and the unusual wait time between messages of 5.3 minutes that James was reluctant to talk about his strange dreams.  The content of James’ message confirmed this.

KirkJT: _You would find it illogical.  It involved my mind recreating a scene from a really old movie I just watch before I went to bed.  The Rocky Horror Picture Show doesn’t make for the most peaceful dreams.  Dr. Seuss is much more conducive to a peaceful sleep. It’s definitely more than a children’s book.  Now, I understand why you and your girlfriend got so upset that I missed out on that experience as a child.  Winona was not around much when I was growing up. Frank convinced me when I was four that the Cat in the Hat would come to life and eat me if I asked him to read the book again._

Spock was not surprised at James words, but he was sad that James suffered so much during his childhood.  Even if his father seemed distant at times, he would always make time for Spock.  Although, his father did not read Spock the same type of bedtime stories as his mother, Spock does have an early memory of his father reading him various passages from Vulcan philosophy books.

From these types of messages, Spock realizes that James is much more open in writing then he was in live conversation, even when he knew Spock would be reading these messages.  Spock knew that James would never tell him this type of information in a normal conversation, as evident by what happened a few hours later during their chess game.   In the written word, James would let Spock see more of himself, and Spock appreciated this.

SpockX: _My mother read that book to me as a child.  It is unfortunate that you did not enjoy the same privilege._  

Spock ended the message there before he could decide to delete it.  It still hurt him greatly to talk about Amanda but he felt it necessary after what James was willing to share.

KirkJT: _Is it just me, or does that book essentially describe the Federation’s current strategy with the Klingons?_

 

 

James question was so off subject that Spock knew that Jim was shutting down again.  Spock found this disheartening but he said nothing in his final message of the chain.

SpockX: _That is why I had students translate the book in my introduction to Klingon class._

KirkJT: _You are one sneaky Vulcan_.

That conversation was probably the most open conversation that they have had since Spock has actively started pursuing James, and yet Jim would only let Spock in so far before pulling away. 

Spock believed that because James opened up a little bit that afternoon, he would be more receptive to questions about his family.  Spock's hypothesis was flawed.  This resulted in the incident described earlier with their game ending abruptly and Spock discovering that a chess piece thrown at the head at the right velocity can be quite painful, even for a Vulcan.

Spock has not had much experience in dating but he realized being kicked out of the room was not advantageous to forming a solid relationship of any type.  Neither was the sound of furniture being tossed around the room. Moments like these made Spock curse Vulcan hearing.

Spock wonders if the dating would be going better if James knew, but he doubted it.  James was probably more comfortable in his presence under the assumption that things could only go so far.  James would probably be more defensive if he knew that Spock may possibly desire something more than friendship.

James was extremely reserved at all times and Spock did not understand why.  If he asked why James was so unwilling to share any information about himself, Spock doubted he would get an answer.  Such a question may result in a return to their previous antagonistic relationship.  Actually, such a question already did result in such actions. 

Spock knows that part of a reason why dating James was such a difficult thing was Spock has never really dated anyone before.  Dating was not a part of Vulcan culture.  93.4% of all bonding on Vulcan were prearranged.  Spock was sure that most of his peers on Vulcan would find trying to get to know somebody by participating in a mutual activity of interest an illogical waste of time when you can simply get to know somebody by connecting your mind to theirs. 

Those like his father, who chose a partner outside of the traditional means, rarely spoke about their experience.  Spock only knew that his father bought his mother roses every day for a week to convince her to accept his proposal of marriage because he read it in one of his mother’s letters.  Only now, after her death does Spock actually believed his father loved his mother enough to do something like that.

Spock wished he could ask his mother for advice on how to get to know James better, but that avenue was closed to him.  He would not ask his father because that would probably lead to another conversation about finding a partner before his ‘time’ would occur.  Spock has decided for the sake of his psychological well-being, he will not engage in any conversation with his father that could lead to another Pon Farr talk.

His personal experiences also gave him very little knowledge in the area of romantic relationships and courtship rituals.  Although, he was intended to marry T’Pring, they only met three times before her death including the day at age seven when their premature bond was established.  Spock would not consider an encounter where T’Pring cursed his humanness as a date, even if a meal was involved.  To do so would be a cheapening of the term.  He despised her company, and was happy he would not have to spend the rest of his life with such a disgusting creature despite the tragic nature of the circumstances.

 

 

Unlike Nyota, Spock is hesitant to refer to his sexual relationship with her as ‘dating’.  Sex alone does not make a romantic relationship, and maybe that is why things fell apart so quickly.  Yes, they did share meals together but Spock believed that was mostly to make sure he did not starve during the worst of his depression following his mother’s death.  At least, unlike his former fiancé, Nyota did care about his physical and emotional wellbeing.  They never really talked to each other during these occasions, especially compared to how well they communicated with each other now.  She never talked about her friends or family when they were still together.  Now she always shared stories with him even, if she is still reluctant to talk about Marc. 

When they were still on Earth, they never once partook in any traditional dating activities such as going out to dinner or going to the cinema.  Maybe that was because his mind was in too bad of a place for such activities during that time on Earth.  However, she never asked and he never offered.  In the last two weeks alone, he has watched three earth movies with her; including the one that triggered unusual dreams a day later.

No matter what the reason, this meant Spock had no experience in the human concept of dating, as evidence by being kicked out of James’ quarters that evening only 15 minutes into the date. 

 

 

Spock despised not being an expert in a particular subject.  His personality lent itself to a need to excel it everything and the fact that he was failing miserably at dating irritated him.  He needed help and he doubted the research material he pulled on this subject would assist him.  That left him with only one option: Nyota.

Due to the urgent nature of the situation, he decided to visit her in person.  This was not the type of conversation that should occur over instant messenger or the communicator, even if it was almost 2300 hours.  Spock was not using visiting her in person as an excuse to leave his quarters so that he could no longer listen to James’ angry tirade threw the all-too-thin wall.  Besides, by the time he left Spock no longer heard Starfleet issued furniture being tossed about the quarters even if he could hear James calling him a ‘fucking bastard’ multiple times. 

 Unfortunately, when he arrived to her quarters she was not alone.  Dr. McCoy was on her bed as they appeared to be watching a film that came out just a few months ago.  Her quarters were slightly larger than the regular crewmember quarters, but they were still half the size of the rooms for the captain and first officer.  This meant that the only available place to sit when watching a movie was the bed.

“Okay considering you’re at my door when you’re supposed to be in the middle of your third chess date with our wonderful captain, I assume things did not go that well?” Nyota asked as she gestured for him to come into her room. 

Spock was reluctant to come inside and talk about his current predicament with Dr. McCoy present.  His relationship with the doctor was still uneasy, mostly because of the doctor’s intrusiveness related to Spock’s physical and psychological health.  Spock is still unhappy that his dietary intake is being monitored so closely, despite recent improvements.  He has also been avoiding the doctor’s suggestion that he see the ship psychologist since the day Enterprise left space dock nearly two months ago.  Spock does not need to see a psychologist.  He did perfectly well on his most recent required psychological evaluation.  He is perfectly fine dealing with everything on his own.

“That is not necessary.  I will return when you are not otherwise engaged.” Spock said as he turned around and started to walk back to his quarters without answers to his James predicament.

 “You don’t have to go.  I will.  I’m sure something is going on in sick bay that requires my attention.  I’m sure Jim has gotten in trouble by now.  That usually happens when he is left unsupervised for long periods of time.  I’ll just leave you to love birds alone.” The doctor said as he started to get up from the bed.

“Stay, you’re our resident Jim Kirk expert and we are going to need you.” Nyota said pushing him back down on the bed.  “Just so you know, Spock and I broke up well over a month ago, Leonard.  We are just friends now. I just don’t feel the need to advertise that all over the ship.  My private life is private.  I would not have invited you hear if Spock and I were still dating.  Contrary to popular opinion, just because I slept with a professor when I was still a student does not necessarily mean I am the ship slut.  I am also not the type of person who would cheat on my boyfriend, if actually had one.” Nyota said with slight irritation.  Apparently, that particular inaccurate assumption about Nyota's character was quite popular.

“I didn’t mean to imply that.  I was just joking.”  The doctor said defensively.  He seemed very uneasy in this situation.

“I find nothing humorous in your statement.” Spock said in a clipped voice.

“You never find anything humorous, why should this be any different?” Dr. McCoy mumbled under his breath.

“Spock is interested in someone else, and that’s probably why he’s here right now.  What happened on your chess date with Jim?” Nyota asked, focusing her attention on him again.

“It was not a date.” Spock lied, not wanting the doctor to know about his true feelings regarding James whatever they may be.  After devoting mass amounts of meditation to the matter, Spock was still unsure of those emotions or anything else concerning Jim Kirk for that matter.

“I thought you got over this self-deception weeks ago.  I hate you in denial mode.” Spock heard Nyota mumbled under her breath.  Apparently, the doctor still heard her and pieced everything together.

“You’re trying to date Jim Kirk?” The doctor asked in open mouth shock. “God, you really are a masochist.”

“No” Spock replied just as Nyota said, “yes”.  This resulted in Spock giving her a very angry glare--for him anyway--involving two raised eyebrows.

“I’m going to go with her answer considering you just visibly displayed anger and the way you acted in my sick bay recently.  You’re worrying would put an expecting father with his wife having an emergency caesarean to shame.  Your actions were all classic signs of a lovesick fool, even if I told myself that hobgoblins didn’t do that sort of thing.  Although, I wasn’t thinking that you wanted to date him.  There is your problem right there.  Jim Kirk does not do relationships.  Casual hookups, yes.  Making out with several people at his annual excuse to induce alcohol poisoning also referred to as his birthday, yes.  Lord, I hope he skips that again this year, like last year.” The doctor mumbled this under his breath before continuing. 

“However, letting someone get close enough to really know him, that’s not going to happen anytime soon.  It was a full year before he told me about Sam and how fucked up his childhood was.  It was bad.  He has been let down by too many people in his life.  You tried to choke the idiot to death and Jim did not even react.  That’s not a good sign.  It was like he is used to it.” The doctor sighed in worry and Spock agreed with his sentiment.

From his research, Spock knew that James had a very troubling childhood on an intellectual level but he did not consider the true consequences of James’ upbringing until that moment.  Of course, James would have trust issues.

“I surmise that much this evening when he threw me out of his quarters after I asked him a simple question regarding his adopted brother Kevin.” As he spoke, Dr. McCoy already had his head in his hands mumbling several colorful expletives and phrases.

“No wonder he kicked you out you green blooded moron.  Jim never talks about his family unless you get him completely drunk or possibly stoned, usually both.  How the hell did you even know about Kevin?  Was that in whatever files you used to humiliate Jim at that farce of a trial?” The doctor asked as he got up from the bed and physically accosted Spock.

 “My goal was not to humiliate James at the trial, but rather to deal with his breach of Starfleet regulations.” Spock said taking a step back from the agitated Physician.  “Although, in hindsight I do realize that private mediation would have been the wiser course.” Spock finished, not looking at anyone.

“Damn it, I knew I should have brought my tricorder with me.  You didn’t eat anything strange recently?”  He said just as he tried to put his palm on Spock’s forehead.

“Please do not touch me.” Spock said as he pulled away almost violently.

 “I will touch you if I damn well please if your health is involved.  You just admitted that you were wrong.  That’s an obvious sign that you’re not well.” The doctor complained.

 “Why does everyone think I am sick when I behave outside of assumed parameters?  Contrary to what you have said on many occasions, I am not a computer.  I am not programmed to behave the exact same way every time.” If Spock were completely human, this would have been said with high amounts of irritation.

“I have no idea why everybody expects you to act a certain way when they don’t really know you.  Human stupidity, I don’t know.” She said sighing again. “Leonard, Spock found out about Kevin from the therapy letter I accidentally intercepted. I showed it to him because I was concerned about some of the things I read and I trusted him to be discreet.” Nyota lied.  “I didn’t want a repeat of what happened last time when I didn’t pay attention to the signs.  What happened with Marc was bad enough.  I couldn’t deal with the guilt if I allowed something like that to happen again because of my own negligence.  I told you about what happened because I wanted your medical opinion.” Nyota started to shake as she said that.  Then again, maybe there was more truth in her statement then at first listen.

 “I guess it was a letter to Kevin or Sam.” Dr. McCoy said as he fell back on the bed. “I understand where you are coming from because of what happened two years ago, Nyota.  I would be paranoid too if I found my best friend dead after he shot himself in the head with an antique gun.” Spock knew that Dr. McCoy was talking about Marc.  If he were human, he would be visibly shocked but instead he did not even flinch at the doctor’s words.  Unfortunately, neither did Nyota. 

 “You should have come to me or the ship’s shrink the moment you came across something that indicated an issue of concern, instead of spreading around someone’s personal information that was none of your business.” The doctor chastised both of them.

“Nyota did not accidentally intercept anything; the letters were addressed to me.” At that moment, the doctor give him a very poignant look as Nyota fell down on her bed in extreme irritation.

“Why do you have to be honest at this moment?  I know you can lie, you do it all the time.” She asked in great annoyance.

“Explain now.” The country doctor demanded.

“Don’t say anything Spock.  Let me explain otherwise we will be here all night as you tried to justify your behavior or deny the fact that you are extremely attracted to Jim.” Nyota told him with a look that Jim refers to as her ‘stare of death’.

“I am not in denial about finding James aesthetically pleasing.” Spock said in a matter that may be construed as being defensive.

“No, you’re just in denial about the fact that you want to fuck him or marry him.  I’m not sure which.  To help deal with his ‘Spock issues’, Jim has been writing letters to Spock that he wasn’t supposed to read.”  Nyota started but was cut off.

“However, in your position as chief communications officer you came across the message and gave it to Spock because you thought he had a need to know.” The doctor supplied.

“Something like that.” Nyota said as vaguely as possible.  This led to various curse words and additional colorful southern phrases involving farm animals and their waste products.

“When he finds out about this I don’t want to be anywhere near you two.  I don’t want to be on the same planet.  There’s not enough alcohol on the ship to make this go away.  Trust me, he will find out about it if you keep giving clues away like that.” The doctor chastised.  This just cemented in his mind that it was imperative that James never find out that Spock (or Nyota) read any of his private thoughts.

“It was an accident.” Nyota defended.  Spock was grateful for this.  “What’s done is done.  It’s not like I am going to give Spock anymore of these letters.  I’m definitely not going to read anymore myself.” Her answer calmed the doctor down even if it was a half-truth.  Spock decided it was in his best interest not to tell Dr. McCoy that he did not need Nyota to send him James’ secret messages because James was doing it himself even if he did not know it.

“Good, maybe he’ll be a little less pissed when he finds out.  Although, whatever you do don’t tell me what was in that letter unless Jim is a danger to himself.  I don’t want to know.  I don’t want to be a part of this unless I have to.” Dr. McCoy said throwing his hands in the air.

“The constant bickering was caused by sexual tension.” Nyota supplied.

“I don’t want to know. I need brain bleach.  I could have told you that months ago without invading Jim’s privacy.  The idiot actually had me falsify medical records to keep your green blooded ass from getting court-martialed for the bridge incident.  I thought it was just sexual attraction not…  Oh Lord, help us all.” The doctor mumbled under his breath.  Spock was again amazed at what Jim did for him even when James supposedly hated him at the time.  Spock was so shocked that he did not respond.

“Yes, get it out of your system.”  Nyota said sighing once more.  “They are both lovesick fools.  For the sake of all our sanity, we need to get the two too clueless morons together.  Help?”

“I resent being referred to as clueless.” Spock defended himself from the inaccurate accusation.

“In this situation you are completely clueless, otherwise you would not be here trying to get my help because you screwed up.”  Nyota nearly shouted at him.

“Are you sure you two are not together anymore?  You’re still acting like a couple in a relationship.” The doctor asked quizzically.

“No, but I still need to smack him upside the head when he’s acting stupid.  We need help.  How do we get those two together?” She asked in amusement.

“I’m not helping.  Let the two fools deal with it on their own.” The doctor said with both arms crossed over his chest.

“Please?”  Nyota said batting her eyelashes at Dr. McCoy.

“Fine, but I am only doing this so I don’t have to treat the idiot for some mysterious STI next shore leave.  I should make you see the ship’s shrink in exchange for this information but consider this a freebie, Spock.  Jim Kirk doesn’t trust people. That includes you, even if you don’t consider yourself people most of the time.  He’s not going to let you get close to him until you can convince him that he can trust you to see him.  The letter thing is not going to help.  Until that happens, this dating thing will not work.” The doctor said in all seriousness.

 

 

“I seriously doubt I will be able to cultivate that trust when he is currently not speaking to me.”  Spock replied.

“Give him a day.  Jim has a tendency to blow up but if you give him time to cool down he will apologize; usually with a good bottle of liquor.”

“I do not find alcohol intoxicating.” Spock responded sharply.

“Actually in your case, I suggest you bringing the liquor.  Preferably, something chocolate laced so you can participate in the festivities.  We can finish up another time Nyota.” With that, Dr. McCoy was gone from the room.

 “I apologize for my appearance ending your date abruptly.”  Spock said once the doctor was out of range and the door was shut.

“That’s okay.  It really was not a date.” She said getting up from the bed.

“I doubt that his presence was work related considering the movie that you were watching.” Spock replied back.

“It was, kind of.  It’s personal.  So what really happened tonight?”

 “I already explained what happened.” He said with another sigh. “I wish to discuss the information Dr. McCoy revealed regarding your deceased friend Marc.” He prompted hoping for a response.

 “Like I believe you.  You told us the edited for content version.” She said ignoring both his question and Spock’s eyes.  Her avoidance bothered Spock deeply.

That is still what happened.”  His words were almost defensive as he allowed her to avoid the Marc subject once more.

“Fine, be that way.  You still bring new meaning to the term frustrating.  My personal theory is that you got a little too close tonight and he lashed out in fear.” Spock was 97.341% sure her hypothesis was accurate

 “Unfortunately, unless I misuse my telepathic gifts I will never know if that’s the case.” Spock replied almost sardonically.

“Not unless another special message pops up in your e-mail box at midnight.” Nyota shot back.

“I have not received any additional message from him since the 18th of July.  My hope is that he discovered the programming error on his own after you suggested that he review the ship e-mail program personally because IT could not figure out why certain messages were being auto forwarded.” Spock said frowning. 

He was upset that Nyota used subterfuge to manipulate James into fixing the problem on his own.  Why he found this upsetting was something he did not want to address.

“It’s better that you don’t get any more of those messages.  Neither one of us should have read the letters.  It was a serious breach of privacy.  That lie was the only thing I could think of to get him to find the error on his own.  Tonight will be the test because you two getting into a big argument or some other high emotion type event seemed to be the trigger for his e-mail confessions.  Usually after a big emotional moment, he sent you a letter.”

 “You may be right.” Spock said realizing the same pattern.  Of course, Nyota probably assumed that he was referring to it being a good thing that he would no longer receive the letters.  Spock was currently ambivalent on the matter.

“Dating is never really easy, especially when you’re not the same species.  That’s why I usually don’t do it that often.  If you really want to get to know Jim better you need to stick with it.  You may want to consider the doctor’s advice.”

“I do not know where I would find chocolate laced alcohol at this hour.” Spock said in response purposely misinterpreting her statement.

 

“Never mind,  breakfast tomorrow?  Jim just added tasty French toast with replicated fresh fruit and veggie sausage to the menu.” Nyota asked.

“If time allows.” Spock replied noncommittally.  “How can they refer to anything as ‘fresh fruit’ when it comes from a replicator?” Spock asked as he walked to the door. 

“I have no idea, it’s a human thing.”

XXX

Apparently, the theory about Jim only writing these letters after an extreme emotional experience was correct.  Unfortunately, Nyota assumption that James would discover the error after her prodding was not.  At exactly one second after midnight, another extremely honest letter showed up in Spock’s inbox.  Spock will not confirm nor deny that he was waiting for this message.  The subject line of Sorry for being an asshole was an instant indicator that this letter would contain extremely dark and personal content.  However, it was an improvement on Jim’s original subject line.

The theory that James’ reaction was really some sort of defense mechanism to keep people from seeing who he really was, seemed to be accurate as well.  Spock learned more about James’ family in those few hundred words than he has in the last two months despite his research. 

He never considered how James would perceive his mother leaving Starfleet to take care of a child that was not biologically hers. He could understand the animosity on James’ part.  Spock wondered if he would feel the same way if his father decided to remarry and have more children for the sake of rebuilding the population that he will actually spend time with.  It was a likely possibility.  Would Spock experience the same anger that James obviously felt in the same situation? 

Spock could relate to Jim’s obvious jealousy of his mother’s relationship with Sam and to a lesser extent her relationship with Kevin.  As a child Spock was always convinced that his father liked Sybok better because he was fully Vulcan, despite witnessing their rocky relationship first hand.  In hindsight, Spock realizes how illogical his assumption was.  Unlike his brother, Spock was never officially kicked out of the family and his father did e-mail him on occasion.

Spock could also understand being upset over his brother’s death.  It has been six years since Sybok’s death and yet Spock still finds the memory of the phone call painful.  Despite their complicated relationship, Spock loved his brother.

Spock also understands James’ reluctance to discuss such things.  Spock never talked about his dead brother or any other emotions he associated with the man.  Spock lets Nyota get away with not talking about Marc so she will not push him to talk about his mother, Amanda.  Spock never told anyone about his feelings of inadequacy or being tortured by his classmates during his adolescence.  If his father did not resort to unethical means, Spock would have suffered in complete silence.  Just like Spock, James was afraid to discuss his feelings with anyone especially those related to how they assume people perceive them. 

It was one thing for Spock to assume that his father preferred his full-blooded Vulcan brother; it was another thing entirely to prove such a hypothesis as being accurate.  Much like James, he was terrified of proving his assumption true.  Even now, there are certain things Spock is afraid to ask his father.  He is afraid to ask James if his feelings are true because he is worried about that not being the case.

Spock could also understand James’ desire to have someone who truly saw him.  The only person who really did see Spock that way was his mother.  It hurt Spock that she was no longer around just as it probably hurt James that Sam was no longer there.  Just like his mother, Spock was sure Sam was the one that protected James from the crueler elements of life.

It saddened Spock to know that his hypothesis about the abusive treatment James suffered at the hands of his stepfather was true.  It was incomprehensible to Spock that the way Jim was treated as a child was so harsh that James became suicidal.  Spock hoped he never encountered Frank, because he may be tempted to use one of the 46 ways that a Vulcan can kill someone with just one touch.

 

Again, in the letter, James spoke about Tarsus.  The whole reason why Spock asked James about Kevin was so he would not invade Jim’s privacy by peeking into the file, because as James said in his letter: once you discover something you cannot undiscover it. This included things such as James feelings for him or the fact that he and James were lovers in his counterpart’s dimension.  It would be much easier to function without this knowledge.  Yet, Spock could not consciously return to the state of denial that he occupied previously. 

Then again, Spock knew that he would eventually have to look at the Tarsus files.  He needed to know what James would discover if he chose to read the file at some point.  Spock had the illogical desire to protect James from the ugly truth of the situation.  Unlike James, Spock already knew of the more gruesome details of the massacre; including the cremation of the dead and the mass graves.  Spock needed to know why the event changed James’ life so much without him actually being there.  However, that was a project for a different night.

Despite everything, James seems very proud of his younger brother, as evidenced by the paragraph that was essentially bragging.  Spock vaguely remembered seeing a young blonde-headed boy walking around with the captain the day of his commendation ceremony. A quick search of Starfleet's database of incoming freshmen confirmed to Spock that the young man was in fact Kevin Kirk. 

Even though he didn’t say anything, Spock could tell that James was very disappointed that his mother did not come to his commendation ceremony and was completely against his life in Starfleet.  Spock remembered all too well his father’s animosity at his career choice.  Spock is surprised that his father has not tried to convince him to leave Starfleet in the last 2.2 weeks.  He knows such a lecture will occur any moment. 

At least now, Spock knows the details of how James ended up seeing a psychologist when he was a child.  Spock also now understands why James faked exhaustion weeks ago during their first chess match. Jim felt uncomfortable talking about her death.

James and he were really very alike.  Just like James, Spock would rather deal with bloodthirsty Klingons than actually confessed he has feelings of any type.  In the past, Spock always assumed this was his Vulcan upbringing, but he doubts that now.

Dr. McCoy was also right about another thing:  James did not trust him.  Because James did not trust him, he was uncomfortable about letting Spock really see him.  Spock should take solace in the fact that James desired to trust him, but was unable to do so due to his less than pleasant childhood.  Spock wondered how many times in his life has James been betrayed to be so jaded at a mere human 25 years of age.

 

However, James did have a point that Spock was also keeping him at arm’s length.  It was still uncomfortable for Spock to talk about his mother with anyone.  It was even more uncomfortable for Spock to share anything about his relationship with his father.  He was not even able to tell James that he was no longer with Nyota, even if he tried to broach the subject 24 times in the last week alone.  Every time opportunity presented itself Spock would promptly change the subject to something work related.

He decided to make James’ apology easier on him by extending an e-mail invitation for breakfast under the guise of some sort of work project.  It was Spock's own form of apology.  He would try the doctor’s alcohol apology gift technique, but he doubted he would be able to secure alcohol on such short notice.

After sending another message to Nyota, declining her earlier breakfast invitation, Spock walked into the bathroom to begin his evening hygiene routine to see James grabbing their first aid kit from underneath the sink.  Due to James tendency for accidents, Spock remembered Dr. McCoy placing the kit in their bathroom the very first day in space. 

He could see the blood running down his captain’s hand causing an uneasy feeling in Spock stomach, not that Vulcans become uneasy.  Then again, James was very good at making Spock feel things that he has never felt before.  Uneasiness and nervousness were among those things.

 “You are hurt.”  Spock said it as more of a statement then a question. 

 

“It’s just a scratch.  I was in the middle of a fight with my pillow when the pillow moved. It was a cheap shot.  These walls are harder than I thought they would be.” Spock would make a comment about the inability for pillows to move of their own accord, as well as the illogicalness of fighting with one, when Spock remembered James specifically stating that he utilized his pillow to work out some of his ‘frustrations’.  Apparently, this was the consequence of using such a strategy.  Although Spock is surprised he didn’t hear James make contact with the wall.  Then again, he was probably so deep in meditating about the letter that a code red could have sounded and there would be a 45.3% chance that Spock would not hear it.

“Usually scratches do not involve significant blood loss.”  Spock said as he grabbed the antiseptic cleaning solution from the small kit and began to clean the damage before James grabbed the piece of gauze from his hand.

 “I can take care of it myself.  I’ve had lots of practice.” Spock assumed Jim was referring to his years of abuse he suffered under the hands of his stepfather.

“Unfortunately,” Spock mumbled under his breath.

“My bar fight skills will eventually come in handy once Starfleet starts giving us more missions that involve actual work, instead of smiling for the cameras.”  James said with a hiss of pain as he began to wipe off the blood.

“I am sure those skills will eventually be useful.  However, because our earlier altercation was most likely the trigger for your interactions with the wall, the least I can do is help tend to your wounds.” Spock said as he grabbed another antiseptic covered gauze from the kit.

 

 

“Fine, you win.  It was a lot easier to do this when I was 10.” James mumbled as he allowed Spock to finish.  In an effort to heed James suggestion, Spock stayed silent on his suspicions James had to do this when he was 10 because of Frank.

 “I’m sorry I was an asshole tonight.  I should not have screamed at you.  Do you really have to use that much antiseptic?  That stuff stings.” James complained.

 “I am trying to prevent infection.”  Spock said as he grabbed the small tube of the antibiotic cream.  “I also apologize for my question.  I should have not asked something that you are not ready to answer.” Spock said as he unscrewed the cap. 

“Yes, but I should not have bit your head off metaphorically.  I could have just said I don’t want to talk about my utterly fuc—dysfunctional family.  Instead, I threw a knight at your head.  Sorry.” Spock could feel his sincerity as he rubbed the cream onto Jim’s cuts.  Spock knew he should have used another piece of gauze but Spock had the illogical desire to touch James at that moment and this was the most logical excuse.

 “I accept your apology if you accept mine.”  Spock said as he let go of James hand reluctantly.

 “I don’t know why you’re apologizing because you don't apologize, but I accept.  How do you even know I have a little brother?” James asked as Spock placed the cream back in the first aid kit. 

 “He was with you at your commendation ceremony.”  Spock replied as he grabbed one of the liquid bandage sticks out of the kit and ran it over James cuts.

“That’s right.  Barnett flew him out there as part of their recruitment strategy to keep him from going to the Ivy League.  It worked.  Personally, I’m shocked the academy wanted another Kirk there. I can't wait to see what Kevin does to their computer system. I trained him well.” Jim said as he moved his now bandage hand away from Spock.

 “You underestimate your abilities too often.  You are a bright and capable leader.  It is my privilege to serve under you.  I respect your ability to lead greatly.” Spock said as he boxed up the kit and placed it back under the sink truly meaning every word.

 “No you don’t, but thanks for saying it.” James said as he removed his blood stain shirt and placed it in the clothing recycle unit located in the shared bathroom. Spock did not stare at him. Okay, yes he did.

 “Why are you thinking me for saying something that you did not believe to be true when it is, in fact, the truth?” Spock asked in puzzlement as he tried not to stare at James bare chest again.

“It was a line from an old earth TV show.  Never mind.” James said with another one of his trademark fake yawns.  This indicated that James would be making an excuse to leave the bathroom in 1.3 seconds.

“Hey, it’s getting late and we both have Alpha shift tomorrow.” James said as he was already halfway out the door.  Spock decided to let him leave.

 “You are right, James.  I will see you in the morning.” Spock said as he allowed James to leave even though Spock craved his company.

 

 

“Maybe you can try out my new French toast with veggie bacon tomorrow with me.” James asked again with his trademark smile.

“That is acceptable.” Spock called out just as the bathroom door closed behind him.  As he stared at the now shut door, Spock seriously doubted he would ever understand the human concept of dating nor would he be any good at it.

 

 

To be continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was actually a hidden significance to the quote I use. Bonus points to whoever recognizes the quote and remembers the line that came before it on that particular TV show.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, has anybody else figured out why Jim and Spock seemed to be having similar dreams?


	21. Beautiful Chapter Nine: Epiphanies of the Chocolate Chip Cookie Kind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quote was from this series finale of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The line before was when Buffy said “I love you” to Spike. Let’s just say that foreshadows something that occurs in this chapter and possibly later on in this story. That’s all I’m going to say. (Am I the only one who’s mind instantly conjured up images of the BtVS episode Smashed when they watched the ‘bridge scene’ for the first time?) 
> 
> As time goes on Spock will figure out why he and Jim are having similar dreams, as soon as he realizes that they’re having similar dreams.   
> This chapter coincides with the fifth letter.

Breakfast with James went well, despite another night of strange dreams.  Last night’s dream involved an expansion of what occurred in the bathroom, complete with kissing and other amorous activities.  Spock tried to keep these thoughts out of his mind as he purposely kept their conversation focused on work that morning.  Fortunately, there was no screaming or throwing of utensils this time.  Spock is convinced that edible food from the replicators can make any occasion more hospitable. 

Despite encouragement from the letter and James’ more hospitable demeanor during their encounter in the bathroom from the previous night, Spock decided against mentioning Kevin again, let alone any other area of possible contention.  A repeat of what happened the night before in the cafeteria would be detrimental to improving their relationship and likely undermine both in the eyes of the crew.  Things were just getting to the point where the crewmembers were no longer betting on when Spock would kill Jim.  Unfortunately, they were still betting on when the two would engage in sexual relations despite the fact that such a wager violates 18 different Starfleet regulations.

 

The other reason why Spock avoided any thing of a personal nature was he was not completely ready to talk about Amanda yet.  James was right; it would not be logical to expect James to open up about his life when Spock was not ready to extend the same courtesy, especially regarding his mother’s death.  Not enough time had passed.  Spock was just getting used to life without her and he was not ready to talk about her yet.  If he talked about her like that, then that means that he is accepting her death and as illogical as it sounded, Spock is not quite there yet.  Several times in the last 24 hours, Spock had to remind himself that he could not call his mother for advice on how to handle things with James and Nyota.

 

Spock was worried about Nyota for multiple reasons, including why she purposely looked for the other letters in the first place.  Technically, it was within the confines of her job to read the letters.  As Chief Communications Officer if there is a ‘need to know’, she has a right to access all Correspondence from the ship even if they are of a personal nature.  There is no expectation of privacy on a Federation computer.  This is a point brought out during the induction of new recruits.  All documents created on Federation computers are considered public record.  James was probably aware of this; otherwise, he would not have reconfigured the archiving system to destroy certain messages or taken similar measures during his attempt to reprogram the Kobayashi Maru.

 

If Spock really wanted to keep James’ letters (or anything else for that matter) private, he would move the documents to a non-Starfleet server after deleting all evidence of the document existing in the first place, which is what he did with the most recent letter and the other documents that he was saving. Spock was deluding himself with thinking the documents would be safe in his special encrypted folder because the documents were still on the server.  If someone with ‘minimal’ computer training could access the files, then it would be no trouble at all for Admiral K to retrieve the information with the aid of the Starfleet IT department for various purposes.

 

Spock knew she did not look for the other letters purely for her personal entertainment or to cause him personal pain, despite her quoting key passages.  Nyota is not a malicious person.  Spock knew firsthand the difference.  He remembered a classmate on Vulcan who purposely hacked into Spock’s personal files and forwarded extremely private information to the entire student body for the sole purpose of eliciting an emotional response.  Spock remembered this Vulcan’s maliciousness and knew that was not Nyota’s intent.

 

There had to be another explanation for her actions.  Spock thought back to his father and his gross violation of his privacy when he went through all of Spock’s personal computer files as a child.  One time as a teenager Spock asked him why he did this, and Sarek said it was because Spock would not tell him why he came home covered with bruises.  He admitted the same just a few weeks earlier.  Knowing Nyota the way Spock did, he could see her doing the same thing for the same reasons if she had cause. 

 

Was there something in Jim’s behavior or in what she read that caused enough alarm that she would violate Jim’s privacy when she chastised Spock for doing the same thing?  Dr. McCoy hinted at the possibility that she was doing this even if the doctor was not aware of the true circumstances behind her coming across the letters.  Of course, the doctor referred to her behavior as paranoia triggered by what happened to her friend Marc. 

 

Spock had a sneaking suspicion that he should be very grateful that she could not access the most recent letter where Jim actually confessed to attempting suicide when he was 11.  She would have most likely notified Dr. McCoy before Spock had an opportunity to convince her that Jim was no longer a danger to himself.  Due to their positions, they had a duty to automatically report when a crewmember could be a danger to him/herself or others, even if the crew member happened to be a captain.  He knew she would do her duty no matter what.

 

Spock already knew she was very sensitive to the subject of suicide.  For example, she refused to watch the last 10 minutes of Romeo and Juliet when Spock finally convinced her to watch something more intellectually stimulating than obscure 21st century Adam Sandler films.  In light of this information, Spock believed that Nyota blamed herself for Marc’s suicide because she either did not report suspicious behavior or missed it all together. 

 

Of course Spock is only 73.3% sure of his hypothesis because Nyota refuses to speak to him about Marc or anything else that is troubling her.  This is upsetting because Nyota expected Spock to tell her everything about James and his mother but she will not pay him the same courtesy.  Spock now understands why James was so annoyed with him. 

 

Spock has tried on multiple occasions over the last two days to have a conversation with her about this but instead he was interrogated about his improved relationship with James.  Again, he found this frustrating because she was expecting more out of him than what she was willing to give herself.  Such an incident occurred a little bit before he was to meet James again for another chess game to make up for what happened two days previously.

 

“James and I did not kiss and make up.  I do not understand your reference.  I have not kissed James.  I feel that you are trying to avoid the sensitive subject of your friend’s suicide by redirecting the conversation to that of my interactions with James.  It is unfair that you expect me to divulge the personal details of my relationship with James, yet you are unwilling to grant me the same type of trust.” Spock said pointedly with one of his eyebrow raised in irritation as this conversation took place privately on one of the observation decks. 

 

“We’re talking about you, not me.  You’re trying to redirect away from a discussion of your feelings for James.  You are just using that subject to avoid talking to me about your Jim issues.  Things must be going better, because you two had breakfast and lunch together recently and I’m pretty sure I saw you feeling him up during shift when you handed him a PADD.  Good thing I’m the only one who knows you’re making out with him.”  If Spock were human, he would be shocked at her desire to avoid this particular issue so much that she would deliberately bait him.  Being Vulcan has prepared him for such emotional avoidance.

 

“It is technically not redirection if I asked you first.  However, things are going better with James, and we are to have another chess game tonight.” Spock said, avoiding any comments on possibly inappropriate hand contact on the bridge.  Such comments would completely derail the conversation.

 

“That’s great. I knew things would get better.” She said smiling as she sat down.

 

“In the interest of being a good friend to you, I wish to help you deal with your lingering issues regarding your friend’s death.  I cannot help you until you acknowledge that there is a problem.  You did not allow me to avoid my feelings, and therefore I cannot allow you to do the same thing.” Spock said as he sat next to her.

 

“God, I can’t believe you’re turning this around on me.  This must be an obvious sign that you’re getting better.  Thank you for trying to help, but I don’t have any lingering issues.  My best friend since high school killed himself because I was too caught up in my own life to pay attention to the signs.  If I was paying attention, I would have realized that he wasn’t handling his boyfriend’s death very well.  Maybe if I read…” she started but cut herself off as if she realized that she was telling him too much.  It was enough to confirm his suspicions.  She blames herself for what happened because she missed all the obvious signs.

 

“I’m fine, and don’t you dare a lecture me about the ambiguousness of the term.  I have come to terms with what happened a long time ago.  I have a whole new group of people to mourn because I made the wrong decision.  I have to go.  Maybe we can do breakfast after your date tonight?” She asked in an obvious attempt to get Spock to not focus on her last few statements.  Spock knew he would not get anything else from her, so he allowed her to avoid the matter at hand again.

 

“It is not a date.”  Spock said almost halfheartedly, knowing that what he was saying was slightly inaccurate.

 

“For some reason, I don’t believe you.  I’ll talk to you later.” With that she was gone, and Spock was even more confused than before. 

 

XXX

 

During his chess game with James he considered asking him how to deal with the current situation with Nyota, but decided against it for multiple reasons.  First, Spock would have to explain to James that he and Nyota were only friends now, and Spock was still unable to bring himself to do that.  It was not because he was afraid.  Yes, it was because he was afraid, but Spock was not afraid of his own feelings.  Spock was afraid that James would become even more distant if he were to realize that Spock was available.  At least, this is the rationalization Spock used to not have that particular conversation with James.  Spock was becoming good at creating all sorts of justifications to excuse his various decisions.

 

The second reason was that the situation involving Nyota was too personal, and Spock was unsure how comfortable she would be with Spock telling James all the sordid details.  The two were just starting to become friendly with each other, although Spock would be remiss to refer to their interactions as friendship just yet.  The antagonism that he witnessed early on in her relationship with Jim was gone, but it had yet to be replaced by anything else except for maybe a professional respect for one another.

 

The third reason Spock stayed silent on the matter was he was unsure if he could explain the situation without accidentally letting James know that Spock knew about the letters or the fact that Nyota read the first four letters, because Spock was careless and she was paranoid.

 

Instead of talking about his Nyota issues, Spock chose to bring up the subject of James’ brother.  This led to a 32.3 minute conversation where Spock became aware of the 49 reasons why Kevin Kirk would make an excellent addition to the Starfleet Academy including his near perfect GPA and diplomatic skills cultivated by brokering peace between his older brother and mother.  Spock was also aware of 23 reasons why Admiral Barnett would most likely regret how heavily they tried to recruit James’ younger brother.  Spock found the anecdote of how James taught his younger brother to hack into his school’s Computer System to give everybody a perfect score on the intergalactic SAT, except for certain students who constantly teased Kevin, extremely ~~fascinating~~ amusing.  James seemed extremely animated when he talked about his little brother in a way that Spock never saw before; James even shared a few happier memories from his past--like Kevin coming up for siblings’ weekend at the academy or teaching his little brother how to pick up girls. 

 

Apparently, Winona put James in charge of having the sex talk with his brother.  This resulted in a very embarrassing situation involving Kevin asking his brother several embarrassing questions about his personal sex life, and Jim deciding in the end it was just better to download the information into his brother’s PADD.  James laughed when Spock told him that this was exactly what his father ended up doing with him.

 

At this point, James pulled out his photo album and started showing Spock pictures of his brother and his life in Iowa.  Spock instantly noticed that very few of those images included his mother.  A few times Spock wondered if she was actually removed from the digital images. 

 

After a few moments, they came to a section labeled “Jim’s 24th birthday party.”  Judging by the high amounts of nudity and controlled substances depicted, Spock doubted that the then 16 year old would have been in attendance.  From the little things that Spock has gathered over time, it seemed that Winona was not the most attentive parent, especially on that day of the year, so who knew?  However, Jim was a very protective big brother, and most likely would not allow Kevin to be present for this.

 

Spock could tell that James was extremely embarrassed by the images.  His red cheeks were an obvious sign, as well as the way he hastily moved through those images.  Spock personally felt James had no reason to be embarrassed but that was mostly because Spock knew his behavior in the images was James’ coping strategy to deal with his father’s death, even if it was a self-destructive strategy. 

 

Spock could not help but wonder if he would do something so reckless on the one-year anniversary of his mother’s passing?  He should probably ask Nyota and James to hide all chocolate on the ship now.  At present, there was an 87.3% chance that Spock will end up with chocolate poisoning on the one-year anniversary of his mother’s death.  Spock hoped that by the time the anniversary came he was in a better place emotionally, but Spock doubted that being the case.  Spock was already dreading his mother’s birthday in December; just sharing a few anecdotes about her playing chess with him as a child when he was sick and her bad cooking was painful enough that he indulged in a few chocolate chip cookies tonight.  However, Spock wanted to at least try to open up to James.

 

To prevent his morose thoughts, Spock decided it was in his best interest to change the subject quickly to the experiments he was running on genetically modified grain for the New Vulcan colony.  Only in hindsight does Spock realize that maybe changing the subject so abruptly was a bad idea.  This hindsight came in the form of another extremely personal letter from James.

 

Spock really was not expecting a letter because the overall encounter was pleasant. However, for some reason Spock has gotten into the habit of checking his PADD just after midnight.  This had nothing to do with the illogical desire for James to keep sending Spock his highly personal messages, it was just prudent to check his e-mail at regular intervals.  As First Officer, it was his duty to be on call at all times--especially considering James’ tendency to send him emails at all hours of the day containing work related material.

 

Spock did not drop his PADD in complete shock when James wrote that he did not have a crush on Spock but still fantasized about him sexually.  The PADD was just slippery and he did not actually drop it until he read about James wishing to engage in sexual intercourse with both him and Nyota simultaneously. 

 

Spock also may have started coughing profusely when he read James’ very interesting theory about how Spock is aware of certain things that he should not be.  Spock loathes to admit that Dr. McCoy may be right about James discovering that Spock knows about the letters by accidentally revealing information that he could only glean from the letters.

 

Spock actually found James’ constant denial of his feelings regarding him more confusing than shocking.  Actually, Spock found much of the letter confusing, including the pop culture reference to someone named Butch and Sundance.  Spock assumed it was a pop culture reference because James had a tendency to do this on multiple occasions, like two days ago in the bathroom, and Spock was unfamiliar with anybody in Starfleet that went by either moniker.  He would have to ask James the next time an opportunity presented itself.

 

James insisted multiple times throughout the letter that he only desired friendship with Spock, but James’ words were filled with sexual overtones.  This was in addition to the lust Spock felt from James every time they made skin to skin contact (53 times during tonight’s chess game alone was a perfectly acceptable amount of contact, contrary to what James said in his letter).

 

Spock already knew that it was impossible to have a sexual interest in someone and still only want to be their friend.  Spock already knew he did not just want to be James’ friend.  The two concepts were contradictory.  James’ desire was more than just carnal; he desired a real relationship with Spock.  This revelation did not cause Spock to become dizzy.  Said dizziness was caused by insufficient meditation that afternoon, and by consuming chocolate chip cookies during the chess game so he would be willing to open up to James.

 

Maybe before, when Spock was convinced that James found everybody sexually attractive Spock could dismiss everything he read, but he could not now that he was starting to see the real James Kirk.  He never believed all the rumors involving James sexual prowess; it is anatomically impossible for a human male to engage in sexual intercourse with at least 18 of the species that James Kirk has allegedly had sex with during his three years at Starfleet Academy alone.  Also, due to security measures, it is impossible to engage in sexual intercourse in the captain’s chair during a mission.  There is a 32.1% chance of successfully facilitating such actions during shore leave, and the Enterprise has not had shore leave yet.  Therefore, any such accusations must be false.  From his observations and previous letters, Spock knows that James takes his job too seriously to engage in frivolous sexual encounters that could, at the very least, undermine his leadership and at worst cause him to lose his command of Enterprise.

 

As an academy professor with classes that skewed predominantly female, he has heard every rumor imaginable, including the ones James specifically mentioned in his most recent letter, although the fact that James Kirk was pan sexual was never mentioned.  Then again, in 2258 sexual orientation was not that important, and the rumor about James with an Ambassador named Erin could have just as easily be about an Ambassador named Aaron.

 

Spock would have to ask Nyota exactly how she was responsible for the multiple rumors involving James and various farm animals,  that would provide him with an excuse to talk to her again.  Spock was tempted to lock her in a room until she actually spoke to him about her Marc-related issues, but she would most likely turn the situation around on him.  There was no way Spock was going to tell her anything about the content of the last two letters, therefore making the solution illogical.  Although, Vulcans are normally not afraid, Spock does not want to find out what her reaction would be if she were to discover James’ desire to engage in sexual intercourse with the two of them simultaneously.

 

Spock could tell by James’ words that sex was not just about physical gratification for him; it was about vulnerability and letting someone truly see him, as long as alcohol was not involved.  James did not have many sexual partners because he did not trust people.  If James desires to have a sexual relationship with him, then that must mean that he either already trusted Spock enough to desire such intimacy, or at the very least James has the desire to trust Spock with such openness.  Spock is unsure whether he should be flattered or petrified by such a conclusion.

 

There are many things about this particular letter that Spock finds deeply disturbing, other than discovering James’ true intentions.  First, James essentially confesses that on multiple occasions he has been under the influence of various substances before he could engage in sexual intercourse or some other type of sexual contact, such as kissing, with several of his partners.  In some parts of the Federation, if you are under the influence of alcohol or other substances (chocolate in Vulcan law) at the time of intercourse it is considered sexual assault because of your inability to give consent. Of the nine people that James has had intercourse with, how many of those encounters were truly consensual?

 

Then there is the fact that James relied on alcohol and other substances to make himself comfortable enough to engage in sexual activities.  This bothered Spock for various reasons, including the fact that such behavior could become deadly.  Spock has personally dealt with more than one student who died of alcohol poisoning or an accidental overdose at the academy.  He was worried about James suffering the same fate. 

 

What type of childhood trauma in Jim’s life has made him so afraid of sexual intimacy that he needed alcohol first?  Actually, Spock was sure it was more than just intimacy of a sexual nature; James seemed afraid of love.  More than that, James seemed to believe that he was not deserving of receiving love.  For example, there was the quote that James used two days ago during their private bathroom conversation.  After research in a 21st century earth pop culture database Spock discovered that the quote referred to one character telling another that he did not believe her declaration of love on a TV show where demons were used as an allegory for life troubles (Spock did not spend 2 hours looking for the quote and watching clips from the original show in that particular database to avoid discovering what really happened to Winona Kirk on Tarsus IV,  He just happened to find that particular quote fascinating). For some reason the idea of not being loved resonate with James, and Spock was 98.23% certain this stems from some childhood trauma.  James even specifically mentioned that he felt unlovable because of his childhood.  That statement made Spock feel sad, even if he tries to repress that emotion.

 

For a moment, Spock wondered if James’ fear of sexual intimacy had anything to do with Frank.  Spock knew that the man physically assaulted Jim as a child, but could that abuse include sexual molestation?  The thought alone was repugnant, but it was a possibility.  Jim stated that he did not become sexually active until he was about 20, but Spock doubted he would include sexual contact that was not consensual in that figure.  There was no way for Spock to know for sure unless James told him because the records involving Frank’s incarceration were sealed.  Then again, just the fact that the records were sealed gave credence to the theory that they contain something as unsavory as sexual molestation.

 

Then there is also the fact James usually displayed sexual interest in those that he could not actually have a relationship with.  It seems almost as if James purposely fixates on individuals he cannot be with so he doesn’t have to deal with the possibility of having a real relationship with anyone.  It is obvious from his words that James is using Spock’s perceived relationship with Nyota as a means to keep Spock at a distance. At the same time, it makes Spock a safe object of his affection.  James sees all the obvious signs that he and Nyota are now only friends, but he refuses to accept that this is the case.  Spock was already worried that if he told James about the breakup he would be pushed away.  As long as James assumed that Spock was safely in a relationship with someone else, James would feel comfortable exploring his feelings for Spock.  Spock needed to show James that he would not hurt him and that he actually did love him before James would be willing to...

 

Did he actually say love even in his own mind?  Spock found himself becoming dizzy again at the thought alone.  How could he have fallen in love with James Kirk so quickly? 

 

Maybe it was just infatuation, but Spock doubted that.  If it was just infatuation, Spock’s heartbeat would not increase by 7.4% just because James thanked him for not being intrusive.  Maybe it was just a platonic type of love, but Spock sincerely doubted that considering the content of most of his dreams recently.

 

Due to his shocking revelation, Spock found himself wandering into the shared bathroom for the express purpose of splashing cold water on his face.  Such a practice did not alleviate the feeling of lightheadedness.

 

“Are you okay?” Spock heard a voice call from the other side of the bathroom.  It was James, who already had his shirt off.  The degree at which Spock found this scene aesthetically pleasing caused him to become even more lightheaded than before.

 

“I am fine.” Spock replied, still in a daze state.

 

 

“The fact that you said the word ‘fine’ alone tells me that you are anything but fine.  You hate that word.” James said, placing a hand on Spock’s face.  He could feel James’ concern wash over him.  He was comforting.

 

“I may have accidentally consumed too many chocolate chip cookies during the game.” Spock said as an excuse as he moved to sit on the toilet.

 

“If this is what happens after one cookie, I hate to see how you are after half a box of truffles.  I just wanted to get you to loosen up a little to avoid what happened last time, not be completely smashed.  Next time, no cookies,” Jim said as he grabbed the washcloth from the sink.

 

“I had more than one cookie, but I believe you may be right.  There may have been other things that triggered this reaction, regardless.” Spock said just as James ran the washcloth over his face again.

 

“Maybe you should go see Bones?  This could be some weird allergic reaction.”  Jim said with a type of concern and worry that Spock had never seen from him before.  It was in that moment that Spock completely realized that he was fully in love with Jim Kirk.

 

“That will not be necessary.  I am starting to feel better already.” Spock told him as he allowed James to continue.  This was now not a lie because the lightheadedness had gone away now that Spock had at least admitted the truth to himself.

 

“I’m not going to make anybody go to Bones unless they want to.  If I do that, you are going to do the same to me.”

 

"Only when your health is in jeopardy; if I am still unwell, I will consult the doctor tomorrow morning.” Spock replied, thinking he will do that anyway for completely unrelated reasons.

 

“That tells me you are feeling better already, so I’ll let you get away with that. Do you want me to stay with you for a few more minutes?” James asked as Spock got up from the toilet and started walking to the door.

 

“I find that acceptable.” Spock said, deciding that he was unwilling to let James leave.

 

To be continued


	22. Beautiful chapter 10: I Think We Can Be Friends, If You Stop Referring to Me As a Green-blooded Hobgoblin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place between letter five and six.  
> Yes, there is a sex scene in this, sort of. For some reason I have discovered that I am more comfortable writing same-sex sex scenes then heterosexual sex scenes. I have no idea where that comes from.
> 
> Warning: sexual content, discussions of torture, sexual assault, and war crimes. Let’s put it this way, chapters like this is the reason why I’m moving my stories from FF.net. This chapter requires maturity.

Spock knows this is a dream, but a dark part of his subconscious wished it was not.  He should be used to his late night visions of a Jim Kirk nature, but he is not.  Tonight’s dream is no exception.  This dream is not another unrealistic heavily pornographic fantasy but rather something peaceful that could happen in real life if he would allow it. 

Spock should just be happy that this dream did not contain his mind's interpretation of certain incidents that occurred almost 12 years ago on a colony known as Tarsus IV.  After two additional days of putting the search off Spock, finally accessed the files regarding Winona Kirk’s time on the planet.  If he were human, Spock would have been physically ill as he read the details of war crimes that he only saw in academic way before.  The images of the starving citizens, decomposing corpses, and Winona Kirk's battered body were beyond disturbing. 

During her time on the planet, because of her role as one of the scientists supposedly responsible for not preventing the famine, she was raped repeatedly by multiple members of the protection forces (sometimes simultaneously), beating, and subjected to a 21st century earth torture technique refer to as 'water boarding', among other things.  The worst of that torture was having her watch the same things happen to her oldest son.  They made her watch because they realized that it hurt her more to see her son in agony, than if they did the same things to her.  Spock could not help but be thankful that James was not there to experience this.

According to the report, during one torture session Sam stopped breathing.  Winona was unable to revive him and he died in her arms.  According to a statement provided by an unknown child, who Spock suspects was Kevin, Winona then preceded to attack those responsible including the governor.  Considering what happened the day his mother died, Spock could understand her actions.  Less than 24 hours after Sam died, Starfleet finally arrived with enough forces to stabilize the situation.  After what he read Spock understood why Jim's mother was the way she was and why she didn’t want Jim to know anything about it.  Spock also did not want Jim to see this, which is why he sat up an alarm on the file to notify him if James tries to access it.

After reading the file, even with his superior mental abilities, it was difficult for Spock to push the images out of his mind until this dream.  He was thankful for this current moment of mental tranquility.  He and James were lying on a bed somewhere with James' head on top of him.  For a moment, he thinks this is really happening now after the movie marathon James forced him to watch, and then he remembers that this is all in his mind;  Spock is uncertain of the bed’ owner or even location.  That seemed almost irrelevant in the dream. Of course, this setting lacks the usual messiness of James Kirk’s personal quarters. 

 

Nothing else seemed to matter as he ran his fingers through James’s golden hair.  In his sleep muffled brain, the sensation in his fingers almost feels real.  Spock feels the phantom touch of lips as James shifts beneath his fingers.  Whispered words are exchanged in between intimate touches.  James says “I love you,” and Spock responds in kind.  Their lips meet in a chaste kiss. 

 

In the safety of his own mind, Spock told James about the end of his relationship with Nyota and how he felt guilty for using her to feel anything at all, even if she said he should not.  He told James about feeling dead inside after his mother’s death and being lost since he watched the planet of his birth crumble in front of him.  He tells James about the guilt and bitterness that has been slowly eating him from the inside for months.  He told James about the fact that he only feels anything at all when he is with him. He told James all the things that he has been keeping inside for months.

 

There are tears coming down his cheeks as he feels James’ lips brush away each tear.  It is cathartic, and he felt a sense of peace that he has not felt after hours of meditation.

 

Because it is a dream, he is unaware of when he and James become undressed.  Instantly becoming nude is something only logical in the figments of one’s mind.  Spock is only aware of Jim’s bare skin making contact with his own.  Imaginary fingers gently run over muscles and scar tissue.  Positions change in seconds and Jim is on top of him.  Lips and teeth clash as their hips rock against each other. 

 

The fact that Jim is aroused is evident as the angry red member touches his upper thigh.  He wraps a hand around it tentatively.  He felt Dream James do the same to him.  Their mouths are still linked as Spock feels his arousal increasing by the second.  It is not a battle of teeth and tongues, but a luxurious exploration.  At some point, they break apart as James mouth travels down Spock's torso kissing and licking every piece of flesh along the way.  Spock has no choice but to let go of James as he continues his path.  As James made his way to some goal that Spock is unaware of, the words were whispered the in return.  James tells Spock of his fears and his hopes.  It is the type of honesty that James has only displayed in his letters so far.  He told Spock of his love for him and of his fear of being in love with anyone, of his fear that he is undeserving of love.  Spock finally understands the human concept of being “heartbroken” and tried to tell James that is not true.

 

Spock's words are cut off by James hot mouth engulfing him completely.  The sensation is exquisite and does not compare to those disasters encounters when Nyota tried to demonstrate her extreme oral sensitivity during fellatio.  Nothing coherent left Spock's mouth but moans and whimpers.  Just as Spock is on the crest of completion, he returns to wakefulness.

 

 

It took Spock 1.2 seconds more than normal to come to the realization that he was not participating in a sexual encounter with his captain who he is apparently in love with as Spock became aware of 5.2 days ago.  Instead, he was mere seconds from needing to launder his sheets 4.4 days earlier than scheduled.  This would be extremely embarrassing because Spock realizes due to the texture that these are not his sheets.  Spock is too busy mentally willing away all evidence of his arousal to think about where he is. 

 

5.2 seconds later he heard whimpering and moaning coming from next to him.  Apparently, he was not alone.  James was lying on top of him using Spock as his own pillow as their bodies were entwined in a position referred to by humans as spooning.  Spock could see this because the lights were still at 40%. Spock remembered that he was in James’ quarters after watching several episodes of the earth television together as prompted by Spock asking about a certain cultural reference in a recent conversation.

 

The dream sensation of Spock running his fingers through James hair most likely felt so authentic because Spock was probably doing just that.  Spock would like to tell himself that the piece of Jim’s anatomy poking into his thigh is a normal male biological response but he would be lying to himself.  This is not helping Spock with his own biological issue. 

 

This is not the first time he and James had slept together in the same room, but last time James was perched in the chair he sat in next to the bed instead of entwined with him.  This occurred five days earlier when James accompanied Spock to his quarters after they met in the restroom.  For some reason, James never went back to his own room after their long drawn out discussion about nothing of importance.  Spock is only 98% sure that James fell asleep first but Spock could not bring himself to ask James to leave.  The next morning was only slightly awkward with James rushing off through the shared restroom.  Spock was just thankful that his dream that night was relatively tame compared to more recent incidents.

 

“Spock,” James said bringing Spock out of his memory.  “James.” Spock said in response before he realized that James was still technically asleep.

 

“I love it when you say my name.  I love it when you say my name when you come.”  His words were whispered in to Spock’s shoulder as the sleeping man rubbed up against him, making Spock even more aware of his captain’s physical state.  It took all of Spock’s mental energy to prevent a particularly embarrassing situation involving messy sheets.  Currently, Spock was mentally going over the equations involved in his most recent experiment.  As much as he despised doing so, he needed to get out of James embrace and out of this room as quickly as possible to prevent awkwardness.  To do so he would have to wake James up.

“Captain,” Spock said purposely trying to put some professional distance between the two.  It seemed absurd, considering his captain’s erection was currently pressed against him.

 

“Don’t call me that.” An obviously asleep James answered back. “I already have to spend half the time on the bridge with my legs crossed.  You’ll make it worse.”

 

At that moment, Spock came to the painful realization that James actually did keep his legs crossed on the bridge 85.2% of the time.  From the context of the previous statement the true reasons for such actions became clear as Spock’s cheeks became green.  Again, it becomes more urgent to leave Jim's quarters to prevent any embarrassment or awkward conversations.

 

“Captain.” Spock says again louder this time.  Within seconds he sees James opening his eyes and promptly fell out of the bed. “Captain, are you alright?” Spock asked as he starts to get out of bed despite the embarrassment that the situation may bring.

“It’s Jim, or James.  You’re the only person I like to call me by my real name.  If I fall asleep on top of you during a Buffy marathon you have to call me by my first name.” Jim said quickly regaining his composure.

 

“James, are you alright?” Spock asked again complying with his request.

 

“I’m fine and do not lecture me on the ambiguousness of the term.  I can’t take a lecture like that at 4:02 AM.  I will be fine as soon as I pee.” James was halfway to the facilities by that point.

 

“I’m sure that will be the case.” Spock replied before getting ready to leave the room himself.

 

“I didn’t say anything in my sleep, did I?" James asked as both walked into the shared restroom.  Although, in Spock’s case he was using the room as a passageway to his own quarters.  If it was not for superior Vulcan eyesight he would not have noticed that slightly pink tinged of James' cheeks.  Jim probably wanted to ask more but held himself back.

 

 

“No.” Spock lied just before the door closed. 

XXX

 

Spock was expecting another letter regarding the extremely embarrassing situation with James that he refers to as a Buffy marathon.  So much so, that Spock was convinced James finally discovered the computer error that was sending him the letters in the first place.  Instead of getting more of James’ thoughts first hand, he dealt with three days of avoidance until he convinced James to play chess with him.  James seemed almost startled that Spock initiated the invitation yet he accepted readily.  Actually, during that time James only spoke to him when it was necessary for the mission.

 

Because of Jim’s avoidance, Spock spent most afternoons eating lunch alone.  During the last eight days things have become extremely tense with Nyota due to a combination of her intrusiveness and her unwillingness to trust Spock with her feelings.  Actually, she refused to admit that she has feelings.  The irony is not lost on Spock. 

In the interest of fairness, Spock has decided to refuse to answer any questions until she was willing to do the same.  On the first day after receiving what would most likely be Jim's final letter, she asked him how his recent “date” with James went.  The conversation ended abruptly as soon as Spock brought up the subject of Marc. 

 

Two days later during breakfast, she dramatically asked if he was in love with James.  He responded by asking if she felt responsible for those who died on Vulcan because she did not inform Starfleet intelligence of the Klingon conversation she intercepted.  A day later, after a very similar conversation, communication between the two deteriorated into as close to a shouting match as he would ever allow himself to get into with someone other than James, involving Spock literally walking out of the mess hall.  James witnessed the entire incident and followed Spock outside.  Instead of answering James’ inquiry, Spock asked Jim to explain his bathroom quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  This led to watching several episodes in Jim’s quarters and the extremely awkward, unintentional sleepover that has led to the last three days of avoidance

After three days of eating lunch without companionship Spock decided that action must be taken.  Repairing things with James was easy but things with Nyota were much more complicated.  He needed guidance and speaking to James about this during their evening chess game was not an option, despite the fact that James’ relationship with Nyota was more like an actual friendship instead of a working relationship by this point. (Any such conversation would require Spock to reveal the true status of his relationship with his former girlfriend.  That was not something Spock wanted to do at the moment, even if certain dreams recently have told him that such a thing was necessary.) 

 

The most logical course would be for Spock to talk to her other friends on the ship.  Unfortunately, there were not that many people still available for such a conversation.  Spock knew that several of her friends, including Gaila, died during the battle of Vulcan.  In the last few months Nyota has not made any new friends.  Even though she appeared to be an outgoing person, Nyota did not make friends that easily.  Due to the various rumors and hate-filled things Spock has heard from what is commonly referred to as the “rumor mill,” Spock believes that jealousy is a contributing factor.  There were certain individuals on the ship who felt Nyota only received her prestigious position due to her displaying excellent “oral skills” during Spock’s office hours when she was still a student.  From context alone, he was 98.2% certain they were not talking about linguistics.

 

The first option was lieutenant Chapel, who was finishing the last year of her medical internship on board due to staffing shortages.  Lieutenant Chapel was a licensed nurse before entering Starfleet, so that made her presence more useful.  The two met during Nyota's first year at the San Francisco campus when they were assigned as roommates.  They were the worst of roommates but the best of friends after that first year according to Nyota.  Considering the stories that Spock has heard about Gaila, he wondered how bad things would have to be for Nyota to request another roommate (not that Nyota really spoke about her former roommate or really anyone else who was no longer among the living.  At first, she said this was because she didn’t want to remind Spock of what happened. Now Spock believed she was trying not to remind herself).

However, due to the fact that despite most likely taking at least one class in Vulcan anatomy at the academy she kept touching his hands inappropriately Spock did not want to speak with intern Chapel privately.  This most recent string of inappropriate behavior began after Nyota told her about the termination of her relationship with Spock.  He was well aware of her crush before his sexual relationship with Nyota even began due to the fact then Cadet Chapel audited three of the language classes he taught, even though she fulfilled her language requirement before starting at the Academy.  Actually she was the reason why Spock went along with Nyota’s original request to keep their breakup quiet.  Spock was less than pleased with Nyota’s decision to confide in Nurse Chapel.

“It wasn’t like I wanted to tell her.  I didn’t have a choice.  She started asking too many questions after she noticed I was spending more time with her boss.  I didn’t want my only female friend to think I was the ship slut. Too many people already do.” Nyota said defensively.  Spock wanted to say that if she was really a friend she would never think that but Spock felt it was best that he kept silent on the situation.

“I understand your quandary.  However, I did not appreciate her touching my hand in a sexually explicit way when James forced me to see Dr. McCoy 4.5 days earlier.  Due to her medical background, I am sure she is aware of the true significance of such a gesture.” Spock said quickly.

“She was the one who told me about the hand thing.  I cannot believe the lecture you gave her in front of everybody including your favorite captain.  I’ll talk to her but I doubt it will prevent the need for you to send her to sexual harassment training.” Nyota said honestly.

“Thank you.  What exactly is your relationship with the doctor?” Spock questioned.

“I’ll tell you as soon as you tell me about what’s going on with you and Jim.” Nyota replied with an expression that others would refer to as a wicked smirk.  Spock said nothing more on the matter until they arrived at the cafeteria.  20 minutes later the argument that led to their current lack of communication occurred.

Remembering that conversation alone gave Spock another reason to seek the guidance of one of Nyota's other friends. There is a chance that Nurse Chapel would be of no assistance.  Considering how long it took Nyota to tell her friend about the end of their romantic relationship, Spock wondered if Nurse Chapel would actually be familiar enough with the Marc situation to provide adequate counsel.  Therefore, there was only one option remaining: Dr. McCoy.

 

Spock would not say that he disliked the doctor but that was only because dislike was an emotion he was not supposed to have.  Their relationship was still contentious although the mere fact that Dr. McCoy has not made James aware of Spock’s feelings involving him gave Spock reason to trust the doctor enough to come speak with him about the Nyota situation.  This led to Spock dropping by the doctor’s office when he was supposed to be in lab 7 monitoring several experiments.  Fortunately, the doctor was in the middle of doing paperwork even though no paper was actually involved.

 

“Doctor, may I speak with you for a moment?” Spock asked as he stepped inside the doctor’s office.

“It’s not like I can say no.  Have a seat.” The doctor said as he motioned to the cheers in front of his desk.

 

 

“You’re not here about your little problem with eating too much chocolate again.  I was expecting you to come back earlier.  You did not exactly stick around after one of my nurses groped you.” Dr. McCoy said laughing.

“You are aware of that?” Spock asked quickly with one eyebrow raised.

“I know everything that happens in my sick bay.  I also had to listen to a certain lovesick fool complain about the entire thing.  There are certain things about my best friend’s love life I don’t want to know, even if it only occurs in dreams.” The doctor said as a slight blush appeared upon his cheeks. “You have to be a real light weight, even by Vulcan standards, to get tipsy after two cookies.  I personally think you were overwhelmed by the emotions that you’re not supposed to have.” Spock did not respond, even if the doctor’s hypothesis was closer to the truth than what he was comfortable with.

 

“I am physically well.” Spock said in an effort to move the conversation to the real matter he wishes to discuss.  “I am here concerning Nyota.  I am troubled about her mental and emotional well-being.  As her friend and a Physician, I feel that you could provide additional insight on the matter.” Spock said directly.

“Thank god you finally pulled your head out of your ass long enough to see what’s going on.” The doctor said pulling a bottle of something that was most likely not supposed to be on the ship and taking a long drink.

“I would point out how anatomically impossible such a thing is, but I assume that was hyperbole.” Spock retorted sharply.

“I’m just saying that you have finally escaped your own personal depression long enough to see that other people are hurting, your ex-girlfriend being one of them.  You may be the only one on the ship who lost their mother and entire planet on the same day but there is not a person on the ship that did not lose a friend or even family that day.  Nyota lost several friends on a ship that she was supposed to be on. Grief is normal.  She’s going through something right now.” The doctor said gruffly.

“However, are they overwhelmed by guilt for surviving?  Do they blame themselves for every life lost?  Do they imagine doing one thing differently to prevent the entire scenario?  Do they keep everything inside and run away the moment anyone else comes close to discovering their own personal torment?” Spock spoke quickly as the doctor took another long drink.

 

“I agree with the last part of your little speech.  You are so frustrating that you are driving me to drink.  Every single time I suggested that you see the ship shrink, you run away.  If you feel like the entire thing was your fault, then you need to see Dr. Suarez more than I initially thought.  I’ve been in your shoes.  For a long time, I blamed myself for my father’s death because I decided to pull the plug a few days before some wonder cure came out that may have saved him.  I eventually had to accept that I made the best decision I could at the time with the information I had and even if I did things differently, the outcome would not necessarily change,” the doctor spoke with a sense of openness that Spock has not seen from him before.

“You can’t keep playing the ‘what if game’ because it will eat you up from the inside, until the only thing left is the self-hate and bitterness.  The only individual who was responsible for what happened was that god damn Romulan.  I blame you for throwing Jim off the ship, but in retrospect, that was probably the Vulcan equivalent of ‘pulling pigtails’."  The doctor's colorful metaphor confused Spock, but he said nothing regarding this.

“I was referring to Nyota, not myself.  From our conversations, I believe that she blames herself for the events that occurred during the battle of Vulcan because she did not report the conversation she intercepted containing possible intelligence that could have prevented the incident.”

“I thought meditation was supposed to make you more self-aware.  Nyota was right about your high level of denial.” The doctor mumbled to himself again before taking another drink.  “You’re right.  She does blame herself.  It’s what she does.  I’m not surprised because she’s done this before.  Until this conversation, I was unaware of the particular thing she is using to justify her self-flagellation and self-loathing this time around.” Dr. McCoy looked very concerned as he said this.

“Did Nyota behave this way during the Marc situation?”  Spock asked with concern.

“I can’t talk about that.  What I know can be covered under doctor/patient privilege.” Dr. McCoy responded too quickly giving Spock an idea of what happened.

“This leads me to believe that you either counseled Nyota regarding this matter or you treated Cadet Winter but were unable to revive him.  Considering you are a surgeon that specializes in trauma created by weapons including ancient earth guns, I believe the latter is more probable.” The fact that the doctor took a longer drink than necessary told Spock the accuracy of that statement

“You are an observant green-blooded bastard when you want to be.  A gunshot to the head is still tricky, especially if you don’t get to the person right away.  Even a few minutes can mean the difference between life and death, despite all the technology in the universe.  Every time I lose a patient, I always wonder what I could have done differently. However, that was the first time I saw that a friend of a patient doing the same thing.” The doctor said with deep sadness.

“I am not surprised.”

“You wouldn’t be considering you are doing the same thing.” Dr. McCoy said gruffly before continuing.

“If only you could be this observant regarding the object of your affection. I am a doctor Damn it, not a relationship therapist.  I get no pleasure out of analyzing my best friend’s sex dreams involving a certain hobgoblin that he thinks is in a relationship with someone that I’m actually dating.  His current fantasy is you telling him that you’re no longer dating Ny. I'm trying to repress what else he told me about that dream. I’m still looking for industrial brain bleach after my best friend told me about his Rocky Horror Picture Show sex fetish one.” The only visible sign of the shock Spock was feeling was a slightly raised eyebrow.

“So your relationship with Nyota is of a romantic nature?” Spock asked ignoring the fact that Dr. McCoy provided him with more proof that he and James were having similar dreams.  This is not something he wanted to analyze in any way.

“That’s none of your damn business.  A southern gentleman never kisses and tells.” Dr. McCoy spoke sharply.

“Is that why you have not informed James that you are actually involved with Nyota, instead of myself?” Spock asked as he stood up from the chair.

“I haven’t said a word to Jim because I don’t want to deal with him in teenage girl mode, more than I already have to.  He’s only letting himself have a crush on you because he thinks you’re not available.  Jim Kirk doesn’t do relationships because I think he’s afraid to.” The doctor said sadly.

 “I’m well aware of that.” Spock said in a clipped voice.

“Thank god one of you two idiots knows what’s going on.  I hope you two get it together.  There’s not enough alcohol on the ship to help me deal with this shit.  I’ll talk to Nyota the next time I see her.  Maybe she’ll be willing to talk to me about it.  She does miss having lunch with you and she’s sorry about what happened a few days ago.”

 

 

“Thank you. I missed having lunch with her as well.” Spock added that last part before getting up from the seat.

“Now get out of my office, so I can get back to my paperwork.” The doctor said, complete with hand gestures.

“Very well.” Spock left leaving with much to meditate on, but had very little time to do so.  Instead, he found himself playing another game of chess with James.  The incident after movie night three days earlier was not mentioned along with anything else of true substance.  Tonight’s conversation mostly focused on James’ musical preferences and his taste in 20th century poetry.  Spock really did not care about the lack of depth in their conversation because James’ fingers were brushing up against his.


	23. Beautiful Chapter 11: Why Would I Be Happy to Go to a Place I Will Hate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I reread these chapters, I realized I was a really bad about labeling when each chapter takes place.   
> This chapter takes place around the seventh letter.

After his conversation with Dr. McCoy, his relationship with Nyota began to improve, (things with James were as confusing as they always were, but that is a conversation for another time).  Nyota was still not willing to talk to Spock about her guilt regarding various things, but Nyota did promise him that she would see Dr. Suarez.  She also confirmed that she was dating Dr. McCoy “casually”.  Spock was unsure what that meant but he did not ask her to elaborate.  There were some things you did not want to know about the personal life of someone you once had intercourse with.

 

 

For her efforts, Spock was willing to let her know more about how his relationship was going with James.  Spock was willing to admit that he had started playing chess with James three times a week (much to Spock’s relief, there were no more accidental sleepovers triggered by mass consumption of earth entertainment).  Unfortunately, their most recent game was canceled because of a small explosion due to Lieutenant Commander Scott trying to distill alcohol in engineering.  Spock also explained how Jim was slowly introducing him to more human pop culture. 

 

However, Spock did not mention anything related to the sexually explicit dreams, unplanned sleepovers, or inappropriate (deserving-of-sexual-harassment-training) suggestions involving threesomes mentioned in James most recent letter.  Actually, he never told Nyota about receiving any additional letters.  There was no point because Spock doubted he will receive another one; after nearly three weeks and an embarrassing sleepover that truly deserved a letter he was sure Jim had corrected the mistake.

 

The one drawback to his improved relationship with Nyota was she was actively trying to convince Spock to let James know that he was available for whatever type of relationship James would be so inclined to partake in.  This continuous badgering was quite annoying, even more; Spock refused to admit to finding anything annoying.  Fortunately, today’s conversation took place in the nearly empty officer’s dining room.  He should have known the topic of conversation would be private in nature when Nyota suggested that they dine here instead of the main dining hall.

 

“You don’t have to tell you know who that you are interested.  He would probably faint of shock, and that would be bad for crew morale.” She said snidely.  “I just want you to let him know that we have decided to just be friends.  He can infer anything he wants from that.” Her request was not unreasonable, but he knew Jim would pull away once he was aware Spock was available.  Gradually over the last few weeks, Spock has been showing James that he cares about him as decided after his recent epiphany.  This includes multiple chess games, regularly sharing meals, researching Jim’s favorite styles of music, and becoming more familiar with James’ favorite TV show.  He has already watched all seven seasons of the original TV show and read the first five “seasons” of the comic book series.  He was pleased to note that the protagonist did end up with the blonde vampire finally after several years of mistrust and miscommunication in the comic book (At least, some are able to forgive multiple attempts to kill your love interest before you realize that you love the person, eventually).

“I would prefer not to.” Spock responded not looking at her.  He hoped she would not question further but he knew she would. 

“Why?  What are you afraid of?  You like him and he likes you.  Just ask him out.” Spock was about to interject that he has invited James to play chess several times but she interrupted him before he could respond.  “No, chess games do not count as dating, even if you keep feeling him up Vulcan style every time you play. It doesn’t count as dating unless the other person knows you are available and mostly in love with him.  Are you aware that you keep feeling him up every time you two are in close proximity?  You let him lick something off your finger yesterday in front of the entire cafeteria.  I think that counts as oral sex by Vulcan standards.  Dr. McCoy had to give Christine the Heimlich.”

Spock’s response was to give Nyota a dark look and raise one eyebrow in annoyance.  The events of the day were completely unintentional.  It would be counterproductive to yell at James in front of their subordinates for trying to do something helpful.  That would undermine his captain’s authority, or at least that is what Spock told himself. 

 

“The first step in being able to have a romantic relationship with Jim is for you to tell him that we are not together.  Contrary to what I always assumed about him, he doesn’t sleep around with other people’s significant others.  He won’t make a move until he knows that you are free.” Nyota almost looked as if she wanted to inflict physical violence upon him at that very moment.  She seemed highly frustrated as she spoke. 

“I doubt he would make a move if he knew.” Spock thought to himself.

“Vulcans are not afraid.”  Spock said aloud stiffly, not explaining that James’ fear of intimacy was the real reason why Spock was reluctant to let James know that he was available.  At least, that was what he told himself.  Spock was becoming good at justifying his own reluctance and cowardly behavior in regards to James Tiberius Kirk. 

 

A part of him knew that even though he loves James, Spock was not ready for a romantic relationship yet.  Spock could barely handle friendships.  It was too easy for him to become angry or incensed.  His emotions were still too close to the surface and meditation was only able to help things marginally.  Certain foods or scents still reminded him that his mother was gone and he was unable to prevent it.  Spock knew he was not ready to be in a real relationship with James when he wasn’t able to explain why he was currently unable to eat macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese sandwiches or tomato soup.  Spock was not ready to let Jim in all the way yet.

“Yes, but we know that you are special.” She smiled at him.  “Personally, I just want you to tell Jim so I can hold hands with his best friend without him freaking out or assuming I am the ship slut who fucks around on her boyfriend.  If he ever thinks that about me because you are terrified of your Jim Kirk related feelings, I will hurt you.” Her angry expression made Spock believe this was not just hyperbole. 

“I’m willing to let you go at this at your own pace, but this is starting to get beyond exasperating.  I just want to smack you both upside the head but I would get in trouble for insubordination. This game that you two are playing is making me sexually frustrated, and I have a boyfriend. Are you always this afraid of dating/intimacy/falling in love or is it just Jim in general that turns you into a cowardly preteen girl with a crush?” She questioned with an irritated sigh.

“I have never actively participated in the human ritual known as dating.  I have no real point of reference.  I doubt that the Earth media that I have been watching is an adequate source of knowledge.  Also, I considered inviting James to play chess a date.” He said quietly.

 

“First, as stated earlier, if the other person doesn’t know it’s a date, it is not a date.  Second, I can’t believe that you have never dated before because technically we dated.” She said with a laugh.

“We engaged in sexual intercourse, we did not actually have a relationship outside of sex until after that stopped.”  Spock said bluntly.

“Good point.” Nyota said as she stopped laughing. “You are 28 years old, by human standards anyway, you had to have had more experience than that.  You definitely knew what you were doing the first time. You even managed to prove that the double orgasm is not a myth.”

“Due to my ability to learn how to do anything by reading and my touch telepathy I was able to ‘wing it’ as Jim may say.” He said without looking at her.

“You were a virgin before we…”  She asked with her mouth open almost gasping.  He was grateful that she was done eating by that point otherwise the Heimlich maneuver may be required again.

“Yes.” He answered without her finishing the question.  Her meaning was easily inferred.

“You were never with anyone else?” Nyota asked quietly.

“You are aware of my arranged marriage to T’Pring and her disdain for me.” Nyota just nodded in agreement, as he spoke.  “This arrangement lasted from our bonding at age 7 until her death the day Vulcan was destroyed.  Although I found her unpleasant, unlike her, I actually believed in fidelity.”  Again, it was difficult to keep the bitterness out of his voice as he thought of his last encounter with T’Pring’s former lover Stonn.  This anger was an obvious sign he needed more meditation.

“I took advantage of an emotionally damaged virgin who just lost his bitch of a fiancé and his mother in the worst catastrophe in Federation history.  Wonderful, another reason to feel guilty.  I’m going to have lots of fun stuff to talk about in therapy this week.” Nyota mumbled to herself obviously forgetting about Vulcan hearing.

“I feel discussing such things in therapy would be beneficial if you refuse to discuss such things with me.  Though, I do not understand why you would feel guilty because I took what you offered freely.” Spock said in reassurance.

“I don’t know, probably the same reason you felt guilty for sleeping with me when you never loved me.  I would suggest you accompany me to my next session but I know you will not.” She looks at him sadly but he is unsure how to respond.  Obviously, he is still unbalanced and meditation is not working as well as it should be.  Actually, meditation is only somewhat fruitful after interacting with James.  However, he doubted a Starfleet psychologist that is most familiar with the human psyche, will be able to help him.  The situation is not as desperate as mere months ago.  He is currently in a much better place.

“Obviously, things are going so badly with you and your James that you have no idea what you’re doing and need my help.  So that’s what I’m going to do.  The sooner you leave your ‘in love with Jim Kirk’ closet the sooner my sanity will return.  I really would like to eat lunch with my real boyfriend without the whole ship calling me a slut.” Nyota said snidely before leaving.

XXXX

Nyota’s help came in the form of several books being sent to his PADD including: _Inner Species Relationships for Idiots_ ; _Dating Humans for Idiots_ ; _How Not to Kill Your Work husband: The Idiots Guide to Work Relationships_ ; _Oh Fuck, I’m in Love with my_ Boss; _Interspecies Gay Sex for Beginners; Maybe He Really is That in to You_ ; _I Will Survive: The Idiots Guide to Loss and Moving On_ ; and _How to Fall in Love Again After Losing Your Significant Other_. Spock found many of these titles ~~fascinating~~ intriguing.  Although, he has not had time to read many yet, since he only receive the package 1.2 days ago.  However, he does resent that the word ‘idiot’ was in so many of the titles.  For some reason, Nyota could not stop laughing when Spock informed her that he already had an earlier edition of _Interspecies Gay Relationships for Beginners_ that he received from his mother at age 16.  Amanda was always more observant than Sarek.

Unfortunately, help also came in the form of Nyota manipulating things so he spent as much time with Jim as possible.  Spock did not enjoy this, even if he preferred spending time with James.  He already had enough pressure from his father to settle down with a nice Vulcan (gender not specified).  He has received several more e-mails from Sarek regarding the need to find a new bond mate.  Every letter for the last three weeks included several ‘requests’ for Spock to come to the colony as soon as possible to find a new partner  (‘demanded’ would probably be a more accurate term than ‘request’).  In the most recent message, his father included the dossiers of three available Vulcan males.  This move just proved how little his father actually knew about him because Stonn was among the possible candidates.

Nyota’s most recent manipulation was much more subtle.  The situation was partially Spock’s fault because he did not want to answer Jim’s most recent questions regarding his relationship with Nyota, and therefore chose again to ask James to explain a pop culture reference that Spock had already researched privately.  Again, this led to an invitation for something that James referred to as “movie night”.  Unfortunately, the invitation was extended in listening distance of Nyota, who would not allow Spock to decline, even if he was originally intending to read _How Not to Kill Your Work Husband: The Idiot’s Guide to Work Relationships_ that night.  Like the time before, James fell asleep on the bed 3 hours into the festivities.  As previously, Spock fell asleep next to James before the conclusion of that movie.  As before, he had another sexually explicit dream.  This particular dream began with Spock comforting James after they lost two security members on a supposedly peaceful exploratory mission.  The words of comfort quickly became heated kisses with the same purpose.  Before Spock realized it, his pants were around his ankles and James was grabbing the bottle of lubricate that he keeps in his desk drawer.  Next, Spock is bent over the desk and James is inside of him.  As last time, Spock wakes up extremely aroused and desperate to leave James before he becomes embarrassed.  He also spends an additional 15 minutes dealing with the arousal before returning to sleep.

Maybe if Spock was not so preoccupied with avoiding James that morning, due to perceived awkwardness, he would have taken the time to read the message that he received from his counterpart that morning warning him that his father was even more devious than originally thought.  Maybe if he did so, he would have been aware of his father’s current scheme to get Spock a new bond mate involving manipulating various Starfleet officials and having Enterprise assigned to the colony (if Spock was truly being honest with himself he will admit that he did have a desire for a bond mate but not one of his father’s choosing).

Thanks to his father’s machinations, Enterprise would be assigned to the colony for 7.2 weeks.  Spock knows his father is behind this assignment even if he denies it.  (The several messages waiting in his inbox from his father confirms this.)

 

 

Spock was sure that, in his father’s mind, this would give Sarek enough time to make sure Spock was properly bonded again.  As he would discover 7.4 hours later, his irritation was quite visible.  Nyota confronted him before he even made it to his quarters after his shift.  He was only able to avoid her questions because of a supposed emergency in science lab six.  Spock did not harshly reprimand the crewmember responsible for causing that emergency because she prevented an extremely awkward conversation.  Her actions most likely did deserve harsh reprimand simply because Spock was not able to return to his quarters until 12:13 AM due to correcting the problem, but he was too grateful to do so.

James also picked up on Spock’s displeasure regarding going to the colony, but unlike Nyota he did not confront Spock directly that evening but instead employed his favorite method: unintentional e-mails.  Spock discovered that his assumption that James discovered the programming error was erroneous.

After reading this letter, Spock is 98.75474% positive that James has not discovered the computer error due to his own arrogance regarding his computer skills.  It seemed more logical in James’ mind for Spock to misuse his telepathic abilities than for Jim to have made a simple mistake.  Of course, it was Spock’s fault for allowing James to come to this conclusion by asking him to explain who Butch and Sundance were or mentioning anything else that Spock could only learn from the letters. 

If James was less confident in his abilities, he would automatically realize that Spock was reading the letters.  Even if the thought crossed Jim’s mind, he instantly dismissed it and assumed the worst of Spock.  Even if James was okay with such a violation of trust, if he were not Vulcan, Spock would be insulted by such accusations.  Spock has never intentionally used his telepathy to violate someone’s privacy accept in dire circumstances.  Due to James wearing his emotions so close to the surface, Spock has accidentally experienced some of James’ feelings.  However, he has never initiated physical contact for the sole purpose of gaining insight into James’ mind.  It would be so much easier if Spock was willing to go to such lengths because James Kirk was the epitome of confusing due to his erratic/inconsistent/infuriating behavior.  It hurt Spock that James would think something like that of him.  Apparently, Jim does not know him at all.

James overconfidence in his computer skills perplexes Spock.  In these letters and on the bridge, James has a tendency to question his abilities and display vulnerability (at least to Spock anyway; everyone else sees the pure bravado that Spock has learned to look beyond to see the real James Kirk). Even in his private words, when it comes to his computer skills, James is unbelievably arrogant.  Spock finds this annoying.  If it was not for James’ computer-related arrogance Spock would not be dealing with this current crisis of conscience because he would have never read James’ most private thoughts without his permission in the first place.  If he never read those letters, he would not be currently feeling guilty for invading Jim’s privacy.  He also would not be dealing with the fact that he was in love with a man who was absolutely terrified of being in love.

Spock should be happy that James at least admitted to having a crush on Spock, but he is not.  The statement after it confirms Spock’s theory that James is afraid of love.  At least Jim’s words provide a cause for such apprehension: his mother.  When Spock went through Winona Kirk’s file there were several notes regarding the curious state of her mental health following her first husband’s death, her divorce, and her time on Tarsus.  There were also notes regarding a possible substance abuse problem, postpartum depression, and PTSD.  From James’s words, it seems like James believed love was the trigger for his mother’s many issues including her obvious substance abuse.  Apparently, James forgot the first rule of science: association is not necessarily cause.

James is so afraid of falling in love with Spock that he is creating obstacles.  Spock is not “hot and cold” as James assumes him to be (in Spock’s opinion, if anybody is behaving in such a manner it is Jim).  It seems as if James is just looking for reasons why a relationship between him and Spock would fall apart.  Maybe there is some truth to the assumption that Spock is keeping Jim at arm’s length by human standards, but not by Vulcan.  Vulcans do not talk about their feelings or discuss personal problems with those outside of their Clan, even a perspective bond mate (not that Spock considers James a perspective bond mate, because really he does not).  He is letting James see far more of himself than most people do.  This is a cultural misunderstanding; Spock is unsure if he can overcome 28 years of conditioning to go by human norms in this instance.  Maybe more time on the Vulcan colony will do some good and will allow Jim to understand Spock’s behavior is nothing personal, but rather a reflection of his upbringing.  Something good should come out of his father’s meddling.

Of course, the major point of contention is the fact that he will not talk to James about his perceived relationship with Nyota, or lack thereof.  So far, he has mostly employed avoidance because he cannot lie to James.  He wants to tell Jim the truth but he is not sure James can accept it as he is told himself many times.  Jim obviously sees the evidence that his relationship with Nyota is not the same as it once was.  He even noticed that Nyota did not reprimand Christine for her inappropriate display in sick bay weeks earlier.  Despite all the evidence, James will not let himself realize that Spock's romantic relationship with Nyota was over.  James just assumed that they are encountering trouble.  That assumption is partially true in the sense that he is having difficulties with his friendship with Nyota.  Spock is starting to believe that even if he told James that he was never really dating Nyota to begin with James would not believe him. 

Spock will never understand the human concept of denial but it is obvious that James is displaying classic symptoms of this.  James seemed to be in constant denial about many things involving his relationship with Spock.  Sometimes this is a good thing, such as the case of the two times Spock has stayed over.  It would be quite embarrassing if Jim was fully aware that Spock had to sneak out of his quarters in a state of extreme arousal.  Other times. it was infuriating.

At least, James did notice his irritation regarding being assigned to the colony for two months, even if he did not realize the cause.  Spock has told nobody about his father’s matchmaking attempts.  James knows that his relationship with his father is complicated but he is unaware of the most recent reason for complications.  Spock refused to tell Nyota anything regarding Sarek’s most recent actions until she is more forthcoming herself.  In Vulcan culture, you do not discuss such things.  You also do not discuss the fact that your father makes you want to throw things and consume vast amounts of chocolate whenever you have to spend time with him or carry on a simple conversation for that matter.  Spock was already wondering how well he could perform his duties on the colony under the influence of chocolate for an extended period.  As much as he craved oblivion, he could not give in to such a desire.

Instead of feeling comfort from the most recent letter, Spock felt frustrated and more confused than ever.  He loves Jim but Spock still finds the man infuriating.  He was already too frustrated to read any of the personal messages he received, including ones from his father and his other self.  Instead, Spock decided to prepare for sleep without reading the messages.  An hour of meditation could not quiet his mind enough for actual sleep.  The only thing that did anything was recalling his Jim Kirk-centered dreams and allowing his body to come to physical release. 

XXX

Before shift that morning, Spock finally read through his father's two letters.  As expected, his father sent more dossiers of possible suitors and essentially demanded that Spock stay with him.  Spock found this idea distasteful. 

Because meditation seemed completely futile, Spock decided to utilize James’ favorite stress relief strategy of attacking a pillow.  Spock felt better, in spite of putting a hole in the wall.  Despite all the recent progress in his relationship with Sarek, his father’s recent manipulation has negated all of that progress.  He could not bring himself to respond to the Vulcan anytime soon, even to decline his invitation to stay with him in his apartment.  There is a 92.4% probability that Spock will be calm enough to deal with his father by the time they reach the colony in 13.2 days.  Although, Spock is sure that several more holes will end up in his walls before that occurs. 

That morning, Nyota tried to speak with Spock again regarding his obvious apprehension overspending serious time on the new Vulcan colony.  He was thankfully saved by James asking to have breakfast with him.  Even if Nyota wanted to speak with him, she could not resist the urge to push Spock to spend as much time with James as possible.

“So why are you not happy about going to the colony?” James asked as he nibbled on a slice of French toast with ‘fresh’ berries.

“Happiness is an emotion.” Spock shot back as he took a bite of his blueberry pancakes.  He was tempted to add chocolate chips but knew that would be inadvisable due to being on duty today

“Bull shit.” Jim said not caring about cursing in listening distance of several other crewmembers.  “A few months ago you were ready to leave Starfleet behind to help your people, now you get a chance to and you’re freaking out in a very Vulcan way.  You dropped your stylus twice yesterday.”

“I did no such thing.” Spock said as he continued eating.  James just rolled his eyes. 

“I may be apprehensive about spending extended amounts of time with my father.” Spock said honestly after several minutes. 

“Finally, we are getting somewhere.” Exasperation could be detected in James’ tone.  “That makes sense considering I caught you sneaking into the truffles after a conversation with your father.  Are you going to be able to work with him for two months?” James asked.  Spock never thought of that before.  Sarek still saw Spock as a child that he could control in some respects instead of the confident Starfleet professional he has become. 

“I am a constant professional, and I see this as an opportunity to show my father just that.” Spock said confidently.

“Good.  Since you are much more familiar with Vulcan cultural norms than I am, I want you to take point on this mission.  That means lots of quality time with your father and other members of the council.” Jim mentioned.

“Of course, captain.” Spock said with ease.

“When it's just you and me it's just James.” James said as he finished up his French toast.

“Of course, James.” Spock said easily giving in to his request.

“I will e-mail you everything you need to know including our contact on the council.  Fortunately, it's not your father.  It is someone named Elder Selek.” Spock was not expecting it to be, his father was much more subtle than that.  Unfortunately, Elder Selek was his other self under a pseudonym.

XXX

“I assume that my letter reached you in time.” The elder version of himself said as he appeared on screen when Spock contacted him from the captain's ready room later that day, under the pretense of finding out exactly what Enterprise would be doing on the colony.  That would occur after they picked up supplies, a group of engineers, construction workers, security forces, and medical professionals that will be stationed on the colony for the next two years (Jim’s assertion about Enterprise being made a glorified delivery vessel seems quite accurate).

“Unfortunately, I did not have time to read your correspondence before finding out that my father has arranged for Enterprise to be on the colony for several weeks for the sole purpose of finding me a suitable bond mate, under the guise of various civil engineering projects.” Spock’s words were slightly angry, as his other self-said nothing.  “I apologize for my emotional outburst, elder.”

“You may call me Selek.  It is the name I now use.  Your father may be using Enterprise for his own purposes; however, the ships presence will be beneficial to the colony.  The Admiralty would not have approved Enterprise’s assignment to the colony if that was not the case, no matter what influence your father assumes he has.”  The elder said looking directly at Spock.  “For that reason alone, I volunteered to be the liaison between the council and Enterprise for this project.” Spock was uncertain how closely he wanted to work with his counterpart but he was positive his other self would be much more receptive than other members of the council.

“A logical decision, considering your previous experience,” Spock said, actually agreeing with that statement.  “I am aware that this mission will be mutually beneficial for both Enterprise and the colony.  This will also give all on board an opportunity to prove that they are of great value. Captain Kirk has asked me to take point on this mission.  Therefore, I was contacting you in that capacity.  Although, I am under the impression he is not familiar with your pseudonym.” Spock purposely cut off his microphone before saying that last part.

“We will discuss all things mission related in time.  I assume that due to his age, the Admiralty has been keeping Captain Kirk on a short leash, so to speak.” Spock nodded in agreement.  “The mission on the colony would give him a chance to prove those that doubt him wrong.” His other self said a little too accurately for Spock’s own personal comfort.  Maybe things were not as different this time around as initially thought.

“Your assumption is correct.” Spock responded.  

“Despite the beneficial nature of such a mission, I am extremely displeased with my father’s manipulations for the sole purpose of securing a new bond mate for me.  The first attempt was so unfortunate, that I do not wish for him to try a second time.  With the dossiers of possible suitors I have received so far, I doubt his judgment has improved in the last 21 years.” That last statement was specifically in reference to his father including Stonn as a possible suitor.  Many of his father’s other choices were only a marginal improvement.

“Your father was not responsible for those choices, I was.” The older Vulcan said with what almost seemed like a smile.  “Your father felt that I would be more in tune with your preferences and consulted me in his attempt to find you a suitable partner.” That comment along made Spock really wish he did have the chocolate chip pancakes that morning along with a generous helping of chocolate syrup and chocolate flavored whipped cream.

“You consider all of those options suitable partners for me?”  Spock asked his other self with a hint of annoyance that he could not keep out of his voice.  If his other self believe that to be so, then they were truly different Vulcans.

“Not at all, and I assumed neither would you.  If your father cannot find a suitable partner then he will have no option but to let you choose a partner of your preference.” Now Spock understood why the elder was smiling.  He was a master of subtle manipulation.  Spock briefly wondered if he would ever achieve that.

“That would be a pleasant alternative, if I desired a bond mate at this time.  I feel that I am not emotionally ready to enter into a relationship of such magnitude.  I am still coping with the loss of mother and Vulcan.  If I have learned nothing else for my failed relationship with Nyota it was that.” He said in complete honesty, his other self just nodded.

“What if your time should come early?” His counterpart questioned bluntly.  “That has already occurred several times in the refugee camps on earth.” Selek expression seems serious.

“Then I will make other arrangements.  I am confident Nyota would be willing to assist with the permission of her current partner.  I am certain he will accept such a necessary arrangement.”  Even though Nyota was dating someone else, Spock was positive both would be okay with such an arrangement.  Although knowing Nyota as well as he did, she would probably just lock him and Jim in an elevator instead.

“I am sure Mr. Scott would be amenable.” Spock gave his other self a strange look.

 “Nyota is not with the engineer, but rather Dr. McCoy.  He will most definitely understand the medical necessity, if such an arrangement was needed.” Spock said bluntly, as his counterpart raised one eyebrow.

“Yes, of course.  I am convinced Nyota will be willing.  You are wise in recognizing your own limitations and mental needs, unlike many who are rushing into new bond solely for reproductive purposes or to stave off premature Pon Farr.  You and I are not as different as circumstances would dictate.  I preferred death to taking another partner after my bond mate perished.  My Nyota found this arrangement illogical and forced the matter.” Spock could not decide what revelation was more disturbing, the Elder openly discussing Pon Farr or the discovery that his other self also had a sexual relationship with Nyota, under less than ideal circumstances.  His inner scientist was analyzing whether nature or nurture was more influential in his life.

“I know that your bond mate was James.” Spock said deciding that was a much more comfortable topic of discussion than the other two.  Given has upset expression elder Selek did not see it this way. 

“Through no fault of his own James has accidentally divulged this information to me.” Hopefully, the elder would infer that this occurred during accidental skin contact and not by reading correspondence that Spock was never intended to see.  “I assure you that James never intentionally divulged the content of your conversations.” That was also partially true, but only because James was unaware that he knew about his other self.

 “I never disclosed such information.  The timeline is already severely damaged without my further interference.  I have purposely limited my contact with James as well as most individuals of importance from my own time.  There was no time, even if I was so inclined to have such a conversation during our initial encounter.  I only had time to give James the necessary information only in the fastest way possible.  I did not have an opportunity for a lengthy discussion of any type.” The Elder said directly.

“How did James discover this information?  I assume it is true due to your lack of denial.” Spock asked the question that he was most concerned with.  Although as soon as he spoke the words, Spock deduced the answer on his own.  The fastest way to absorb vast quantities of information is via mind meld.  Under the right conditions, the other party can receive more information than intended.  Those correct circumstances involved severe emotional trauma such as the death of a family member or watching your entire planet be destroyed.

“YOU HAVE MELDED WITH JAMES!”  Spock’s words came out as a bitter statement not a question.  In Vulcan culture, willingly sharing your mind with a perspective partner is more intimate then sexual intercourse. 

“James gave you permission to do this?”  This question was not answered.  His lack of answer told Spock everything.  James did not give permission.  No wonder James thought Spock was capable of misusing his telepathic gifts because his other self already did so.

“There is no need for you to be jealous young one.  I have no intent to take your James away from you.  What occurred was a necessary exchange of information.  He did not have time to consent because I did not have time to explain what was happening.  I may have shared more than I intended to, due to my mental instability at the time.” Logically, Spock should be placated by this explanation.  However, rarely has Spock been logical in recent months, especially when James Kirk was involved.  He still looked at his other self with barely concealed animosity. 

“I will continue to assist you with avoiding your father’s attempts to find you a new bond mate on Vulcan, as a means of making amends.” The elder said, changing the subject to relatively safe ground

“That is acceptable.” That was all Spock would allow himself to say.  He will most likely need to utilize Jim's beating up a pillow stress relief strategy after this call.  It was surprisingly cathartic.

“However, I will only do so if you agree to see a mind healer on planet.”  Only because the thought of being permanently bonded to someone other than the person he loves was so distasteful to Spock did he acquiesce to the demand.

“I accept this condition.” Spock said before moving the discussion to more mission related things.

To be continued


	24. Beautiful Chapter 12: Yes, Jim, all Vulcans are Annoying But So Are You.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Teddy Bear who was the beta on this chapter  
> This chapter takes place around letter eight.

The last few weeks have been stressful for multiple reasons from ranging from Enterprise functioning as a supply ship to dealing with the person that his fiancée cheated on him with, once the ship arrived on the new colony. That alone would be stressful enough but he also had to contend with the machinations of his former girlfriend, his father, and his other self, for the purpose of controlling his life. He is personally surprised he has yet to break into his personal chocolate supply.

On a positive note, Spock was able to finish reading  _Inner Species Relationships for Idiots_ ;  _Dating Humans for Idiots; How Not to Kill Your Work husband: The Idiots Guide to Work Relationships;_ and _Oh Fuck, I'm in Love with my Boss_ during their travels to the colony. Despite the expletives in the title _Oh Fuck, I'm in Love with my Boss_ was quite helpful. Reading those books was one of the few productive things accomplished recently.

Nyota is pushing harder than ever for him to come clean with James that they are no longer dating. He knows it is not fair to her that she has to keep whatever her exact relationship with Dr. McCoy is a secret just because Spock is just not ready to tell James this, among several other things. Considering the reaction James had to discovering that other Spock lied to him, Spock is afraid of what reaction James will have when he finds out about Spock being less than honest regarding his relationship with Nyota or that he has been reading Jim's personal thoughts for months without letting him know. To say that Jim was angry at other Spock for his deception would have been a gross understatement, in light of the screaming. (Spock refuses to acknowledge that he was quite happy to see his Jim and Elder Selek on less than amicable terms because of Selek's deceit. Happiness is an emotion.) Spock has no desire to experience this anger firsthand.

Because Nyota is so busy with one of the engineering teams, designing the Communications Systems on the planet, she has not had very much time to try to manipulate 'Spock's love life' as she put it. However, Spock believes she is still doing an adequate job being manipulative despite the time constraints. During a meeting with the council, Nyota successfully convinced Sarek to invite James over to his apartment for dinner. Spock is not looking forward to this dinner at all. He is sure that there will be at least 10 other possible suitors crammed into the small quarters so that his father can continue his mission to find Spock a suitable Vulcan partner, much to his constant irritation. He should just be happy that he only needed to visit Sarek due to a special regulation that essentially prohibits him from staying with his father. Spock will not confirm nor deny that he contacted a certain Starfleet admiral to suggest this special regulation.

The moment he landed on the colony, his father began his matchmaking attempts. Sarek seemed extremely focused on trying to find Spock a new Vulcan bond mate, to the point he has become obsessed. Under normal circumstances, Spock would remain silent on the matter but after receiving the dossiers of several additional potential suitors that would never work, after having Enterprise brought solely to the colony so his father can attempt to force Spock into something that he has no desire to be part of, that was no longer an option. In a secluded hallway on Enterprise, Spock told his father he had no desire to return to any Vulcan colony and produce 75% Vulcan babies with someone he cannot love nor stand, who would most likely not support Spock's current career path or at least he tried to. Spock telling his father he had no desire to leave Starfleet whatsoever was as far as he got before things disintegrated. This resulted in a fiery argument in rapid Vulcan involving discussing that which Vulcan's do not speak about.

Fortunately, for Spock, his other self was there to prevent him from giving into his more primal urges to nerve pinch his father in to unconsciousness. Unfortunately, James saw the entire encounter. He did not confront Spock directly about this at the time; instead he ignored everything that he heard. He was too preoccupied with discovering that other Spock used deception to get Jim to do what he wanted him to do. James was still furious at elder Selek for his manipulations.

Instead, Spock received another letter containing all the things that James would never say aloud. Spock wholeheartedly agrees with the sentiment in James most recent letter that Spock's father treats him like a toddler. In addition to trying to force Spock to marry a suitor of his choosing, he has completely disrespected Spock's authority as a Starfleet representative and that had nothing to do with their very unfortunate public argument.

During every meeting, Spock as had so far with the council regarding the building projects whether in person or via Video conference before arriving, Sarek has questioned all of Spock's decisions no matter how insignificant. It seemed logical to Spock to focus on basic things like housing, developing basic infrastructure, and having adequate medical care instead of rebuilding monasteries and universities.

Spock is grateful that his counterpart is the main liaison on the project, otherwise; there would be a repeat of a certain incident on Enterprise in the council's temporary headquarters. That was one of the few times Spock has ever spoken back to his father, other than when he announced his decision to join Starfleet rather than accept being the token half-human at VAS. Spock was tired of acquiescing to Sarek in every matter. Despite the trouble in their relationship, he still loves his father even if Spock finds the Vulcan highly frustrating.

There were many things about Jim's most recent letter Spock found more annoying than his father. First, Spock did tell Jim that he was uncomfortable with coming to the colony because of his father, just not in so many words. He just did not tell James the full extent of the discomfort. Jim was being hypocritical. He never told Spock in person about how bad his relationship with his mother really was. Actually, he avoided all talk related to his family, much more so than Spock ever did. Other than vague references in these letters, that Spock is not supposed to have read in the first place, Jim's only references to a bad home life during adolescence have been along the lines of "Hank Summers makes my mom look like mother of the year," during that Buffy marathon. Jim wanted Spock to open up but he would not open up himself. This infuriated him just as much as when Nyota behaved the same way.

Maybe the real reason why Spock will not say anything to Jim about his feelings for him is because Spock is terrified of how he would react. He is afraid to let Jim see him in such a vulnerable state. Vulcan's never talked about their emotions to anyone. How can he tell Jim that he loves him? The thought alone was terrifying.

Of course, the major area of contention, other than being taunted by Stonn whenever possible, was his other self. Spock also agrees with James' sentiment that his other self is an extremely "sneaky geriatric", even if he would not use those exact words. Their working relationship was adequate but that was the extent of it. Compared to the situation with every other member of the Vulcan council, it was actually excellent. It would be hypocritical for Elder Selek to value Spock's opinions less simply because of his human heritage. It was easy to work with elder Selek once Spock saw him as a completely different person, instead of himself over a century in the future. However, interacting with him was still somewhat peculiar.

No, what Spock found exacerbating was his other self trying to manipulate everything around him for his own purposes, even though he adamantly denied meddling in the first place. (Spock also disliked him spending vast amounts of time alone with James.) He knew that his other self was pushing for him to be with James. That should have been evident by their first encounter in that hanger bay months ago. The most obvious attempt recently is that he suggested to Sarek that Spock may be more suited for a human partner, preferably one who was also a member of Starfleet.

Looking back on it now, he realized that Selek's speech months ago was his first obvious effort to bring Jim and Spock together. Spock did not realize that until he read the words James typed on the page. Spock can at least acknowledge to himself now that he came back for James. Spock can also admit that he would not have done so without Selek's intervention, despite the fact Spock was only leaving Starfleet because he believed it was something that he had to do regardless of his own personal preferences.

His other-self still cannot admit that he and James were lovers in the other dimension. It was obvious to Spock that Selek was using friendship as a code word for lover whenever the elder talks about his Jim. Selek's constant denial is extremely frustrating. (If Spock were human, he would roll his eyes every time his other self claimed something so absurd.)

Spock also does not believe Selek's assertions that he is not trying influence Jim and Spock's relationship. If that were true, Selek would not be sabotaging Sarek's efforts to find Spock a new (Vulcan) bond mate. (Although Spock appreciates this help nonetheless, even if he is still upset over the fact that Selek has been in James mind.)

Spock also finds it hypocritical because his other self is pushing him to come to terms with his own emotions regarding James and many other things; yet, he himself is still in a state of denial. Again, this lack of self-awareness is absurd in Spock's opinion. In exchange for assistance with avoiding his father's matchmaking efforts, Spock agreed to subject himself to the psychological services on the colony. (Spock personally believes that his other self would benefit from the sessions more than he would. Being forced to watch your life over again cannot be psychologically healthy for any one.)

* * *

7.2 days after Jim's most recent letter, Spock was scheduled to have his first session with one of the healers on the colony. Spock is sure that his other self would try to arrange something sooner but they were too busy with the necessities of building the colony to focus on anything else.

However, before even seeing the healer Spock was forced to fill out an invasive questionnaire that made Nyota's normal questions seemed quite pleasant by comparison. Below are a few excerpts along with his responses:

**_Why are you here?_ **

Because I have no choice in the matter and it would be hypocritical to avoid counseling when I have suggested such services for other crewmembers.

(Spock decided it would not be in his best interest to state that his other self was forcing him to seek the services of a mind healer in exchange for his assistance in keeping Spock from another arranged marriage. A statement like that would most likely result in being committed to a psychiatric facility.)

**_Do you have difficulty discussing your feelings or emotions?_ **

~~I am Vulcan. We do not have emotions to discuss.~~

(This answer was scratched out when Spock decided to be truthful about everything because anybody who looked into his mind would know otherwise. Spock decided it was in his best interest not to include that sentence because that would also lead to more unnecessary counseling.)

Yes.

**_How often do you sleep?_ **

2 to 3 hours per night. This is an improvement from 30 to 40 minutes immediately following my mother's death unless I took prescribed sleeping medication to prevent dreams about her death.

(Because Vulcans do not have erotic dreams, Spock decided not to mention the content of his more recent nighttime ponderings. The last one involved consummating his relationship with James after undergoing the traditional Vulcan bonding ceremony on his ancestral land that no longer exists. Spock refused to discuss such a dream under any circumstances, mostly because it would lead to unwanted questions and unnecessary therapy.)

**_Do you find sleep refreshing?_ **

Sometimes

(He chose not to elaborate because again Spock refuses to discuss his Jim dreams under any circumstances.)

**_Have you encountered feelings of loneliness or isolation? If so, please explain._ **

I have always felt a sense of loneliness even before the loss of the planet of my birth and my mother. I was never accepted by my Vulcan peers because I am half-human. My Vulcan contemporaries saw my human DNA as a disability and therefore they treated me as a lesser Vulcan. I would always have to work twice as hard as my fully Vulcan counterparts to disprove there hypothesis. However, when I performed above expectations, my supposed contemporaries would resent me. This made cultivating any type of relationship with these individuals difficult, at best.

I was never accepted by my human colleagues completely because I am part Vulcan. I could never completely conform to human norms of behavior. I could not understand the social cues. Where my peers on Vulcan would find me overly emotional, my peers on earth would describe me as being computer like and emotionless. Because of this, very few humans are willing to interact with me.

**_Have you become withdrawn from your friends?_ **

No. However, I have difficulty discussing certain things with my friends such as my mother's death or why I am avoiding my father during my time on the colony. I also did not tell James about my animosity regarding a former classmate.

Conversely, I am spending more time with my friends outside of a work environment, compared to before my mother's death.

(Six months ago, Spock would have responded with ‘what friends’. Now he has at least Nyota and James. On a good day, he may even include Dr. McCoy. Spock wondered if he is the reason why he is being forced to fill out this pointless questionnaire, instead of seeing the mind healer immediately. The man does display some sadistic tendencies.)

**_Have you lost interest in any activities that you once found pleasure in? If yes, please give specifics._ **

(Spock had difficulty answering this question immediately and went back to it later.)

Yes. I continued to avoid activities that remind me of my mother. I also avoid things that remind me of Vulcan. Most of the artifacts I have from Vulcan still remain in a box in my closet. I no longer play the Vulcan version of chess and I have not played my Lyre in 5.3 months. Meditation is now seen as a necessary activity and not a form of relaxation, as it was before my mother's death.

However, I have been partaking in movie nights with James and Nyota. I have spent many nights playing the human version of chess with James. I also have lunch with James or Nyota whenever our shifts allow such a thing.

**_Do you feel sad for prolonged periods of time?_ **

~~Vulcan's do not feel sadness.~~

(Again, such a response was deleted on the grounds that it was not entirely honest and would automatically trigger more sessions with the healer.)

Yes, although, such feelings are considered culturally unacceptable. However, I did watch my mother die. I feel that entitles me to be sad.

**_Are you Depressed?_ **

~~No~~

Possibly

(Spock wrote the second response once it became evident that anyone who knew him would never believe his initial response.)

**_Do you feel guilty/responsible for things that were beyond your control? If yes, please elaborate._ **

Yes

If I were able to grab my mother's hand, she would not be dead.

If I had breakfast with Nyota the day everything fell apart, instead of obsessing over a certain blue eye cadet, I would have been aware of Nero and there would still be a Vulcan.

(He typed this before he could even think about it. If Spock had time to reflect on this question and realized that such statements would also trigger more therapy he would have lied.)

**_Have you had suicidal thoughts in the last six months?_ **

There are too few Vulcans for me to take my own life before reproducing. That would be illogical.

**_How often do you meditate?_ **

90 to 120 minutes each day.

**_Do you feel more peaceful after meditation?_ **

Sometimes

(Spock consciously chose not to elaborate on this. If the healer wanted more details, she would ask during their session.)

**_Other than meditation, have you utilized any other techniques to deal with your stress or emotions?_ **

Yes.

**_If so, please elaborate._ **

Beating up a pillow or going to the gym. Physical activities seem to have a calming effect. Having a Chocolate Chip Cookie.

(He was not going to include the last thing but decided that it was futile to hide this piece of information. The mind healer would discover this once he or she entered Spock's mind anyway.)

* * *

24 hours after he turned in the questionnaire, Spock was summoned to the office of Healer Weston. She was Vulcan but was exiled from the community for studying earth psychology, in addition to the Vulcan mind discipline and marrying a human male. This explained why she had a human surname. Spock felt she was only back now to help her people due to the catastrophic nature of the situation at hand. Spock is also sure that the healer was only accepted because so few Vulcans were trained to deal with issues of the mind that were still alive.

However, Spock did not spend much time with the healer. After a cursory check of Spock's mind, she left the room abruptly, only sending her temporary assistant, a nurse from Enterprise to schedule an appointment for the next day. Spock just assumed her reaction was caused by her being disgusted with his mind because of its human characteristics. Two days earlier, when he ran into Stonn on one of the projects that Spock was overseeing, he taunted Spock with the fact that T'Pring did not want to be bonded to Spock because his mind was too disordered and filled with emotions. The fact that Dr. Suarez was waiting for him in the room instead of Healer Weston for their schedule appointments reinforced Spock's assumption.

"Where is Healer Weston?" Spock asked trying very hard to keep the disappointment out of his voice.

"She is dealing with another patient who can benefit from the use of a traditional mind healer more than you can." The doctor said quickly. If he were human, he would be insulted by that statement.

"If that is the case, I will schedule another appointment." Spock said walking to the door.

"That's not what I mean. We are seriously going to need to work on your self-esteem issues. I meant that Healer Weston recommended that I take on your case instead due to my specialization in grief counseling and family issues." She explained calmly, even if Spock did not understand why she felt he had issues regarding his self-esteem.

"You are not familiar with the Vulcan mind and therefore are not equipped to deal with my 'issues'." Spock said a little too quickly still standing.

"If your mental issues were solely related to a broken bond or psychic backlash, Healer Weston would be the best person to treat you." The doctor explained calmly as she motioned for him to take a seat. Spock did so solely for her to explain the situation. "That is not the problem here. By Vulcan standards, your mind is healthy. Despite the traumatic loss of your mother and fiancé, there's no evidence of those broken bonds.

According to Healer Weston, your mind has already recovered on its own. All existing bonds are doing well." Due to his lack of sleep and the extreme sadness he has felt in recent months, Spock could not believe what she was saying. Spock just stared at her as 1000 questions ran through his head. The most important was if he there was nothing wrong with his mind, why was he having difficulty controlling his emotions? Why did his mom's death still hurt him? However, one question stood out among the rest.

"If my mind is perfectly healthy by Vulcan standards, why am I meeting with you?" Spock voiced his concerns a loud. The doctor just smiled calmly before explaining herself.

"You said it yourself; by Vulcan standards you are perfectly healthy, by human standards, not so much. I'm here to help you work on your issues." Spock just gave the doctor a strange look.

"Because you are a member of Starfleet, unlike the other patients that Healer Weston and I have been working with on planet, you had to take the standard Starfleet psychological questionnaire required of all members before seeking treatment. It is designed to screen for some of the more common mental illnesses that Starfleet officers encounter such as PTSD. I'm personally shocked that some of your problems were not spotted during your last psychiatric evaluation." Dr. Suarez mumbled that last part so low that he only heard it because of Vulcan hearing.

"So am I," Spock mumbled under his breath.

"The results were quite fascinating in conjunction with what Healer Weston saw in her unusual scan. You, Commander Spock, have issues." The doctor stated again before elaborating.

"You blame yourself for your mother's death. You feel sad a lot. You said more than once on the questionnaire that you have dreams about what happen on Vulcan that day. Then there is the fact that Dr. McCoy put you on what we refer to on the ship as 'anorexia watch' because you were consuming less than 600 calories per day for your first two weeks on the ship and that's just the food that you took out of the replicator. We don't know how much you actually consumed." The psychologist said this with a sad expression.

"You are aware of this?" Spock questioned raising one eyebrow.

"Who do you think ordered you be put on the watch? My job is to lookout for the psychological well being of everyone on my ship. Even without speaking to you, I knew something was wrong. You obviously believe that something is not quite right, otherwise, you would not have come in for an evaluation voluntarily." Spock felt it was in his best interest not to mention this psychological evaluation was not truly voluntary. That would just cause more problems under the circumstances.

"You actually believe that you could be dealing with some sort of depression. The fact that you actually owned up to being depressed is a small miracle in my opinion. Many of your Vulcan contemporaries would not. There is not even a word in the Vulcan language for depression. It is an alien concept. Yet, in light of what has happened, it is something that I have been seeing a lot of in the patience since I have been here." Her statement just caused a dark expression to appear on his face.

"Don't take that as an insult, it is not meant to be one. I am commending you for realizing your emotional and psychological limitations. In the almost two weeks that we have been on planet, I have done a lot of work regarding PTSD. Unfortunately, it's hard to treat something like that when you're patient refuses to admit that they have a problem in the first place." Dr. Suarez seemed sad as she spoke.

"It is hard for me not to take such a statement as an insult when for my entire existence my human heritage has been seen as a disability by my Vulcan contemporaries." Spock scoffed.

"This is one of the main things that we will have to discuss during your treatment because I think it is contributing to your emotional distress. Even though I am just bicultural, I understand what it is like to be pulled between two different cultures. It feels like you have to choose one, yet you are never fully accepted by either. You try to be extra Vulcan to compensate for perceived shortcomings at the expense of your human heritage." If he were completely human, he would most likely squirm on the couch from discomfort.

"How can you be so sure of your assumption?" Spock asked even though her assumption was highly accurate.

"You are not denying it for one thing." Dr. Suarez said quickly causing Spock to raise one eyebrow in surprise at her observation skills.

"Depression, sadness, anxiety, and guilt are perfectly normal things that any human experiences after a major tragedy/traumatic event. You lost your mother. You watched your entire planet be destroyed. You were on the only ship that survived the battle. You freaked out and maroon a subordinate, even if that was kept off the record." If Spock was completely human, he would be startled that she relies that.

"How do you know about that last part?" Spock asked immediately.

"I'm not at liberty to discuss that. According to the questionnaire, meditation is not working. Exercise seems to be helping some; however, I am not sure that engineering is happy with fixing your wall so often." She mumbled that last part under breath.

"Again, how do you know this?" He asked with one eyebrow raised.

"I just do. Because you are half-human, I may have a better chance of getting you to actually talk about your feelings, than your full Vulcan counterparts may. We may also need to consider anti-depressants at some point, if talk therapy is not effective. This type of treatment is more suited for your needs than anything Healer Weston can do for you." Spock finds this hard to comprehend. He perceives himself as Vulcan and therefore his problem should be dealt with in the Vulcan style.

"You may be familiar with the human mind but not the Vulcan mind. You will not be able to help me." Spock said getting up from the couch that he has been sitting on.

"Mr. Spock, it's obvious to me that you need help to deal with your mother's death and the destruction of Vulcan, at the very least. We most likely will need to work on your resentment regarding your human heritage. You can either come see me twice a week for however long you need to see me until you are emotionally well again by choice or I can make that an order." Spock instantly knew what she meant. If she found Spock too mentally unstable to function in his capacity as First Officer she could, at the very least, force Spock to attend counseling sessions as a condition of him being able to keep his position or at worst, remove him from his commission completely. Neither would look good on his service record.

"If I come voluntarily, can this stay confidential?" Spock asked in all seriousness. For some reason, he was more worried about Jim finding out about his need to see a psychologist more than anything else. This was illogical because Jim spent several years in treatment himself. Spock doubted Jim would see him as less for seeking help.

"Yes." Dr. Suarez said without hesitation.

"Very well," Spock replied in acquiescence. When would you like to schedule the first meeting?" Spock asked.

"Since you are already here, how about right now?"

"Very well," Spock said with an approximation of a sigh.

"What do you want to talk about today?" The doctor asked. Spock had no idea how to reply. The room stayed silent for several moments.

"Considering I am forced to be here, I am unsure of what I am supposed to say." Spock said crossing his arms over his chest.

"Anything you want. We could start with the main reason why you're here, your mom."

"I wish not to discuss my mother at this time." Spock said sharply.

"We will have to discuss it eventually, but it doesn't have to be today. I know it's hard but you need to deal with it at some point." She said calmly.

"How can you understand what it is like to go through something like that?" Spock questioned.

"Both my parents are dead." She said solemnly.

"I grieve with thee." He said automatically.

"I never knew my biological father. As far as I'm concerned, I was genetically engineered. It’s okay, I didn't need him. My mother was the greatest person in the world and I loved her very much. I was 28 when I lost her to cancer." Just the mention of someone dying of cancer was peculiar. Most people do not die of cancer anymore.

"I'm sure because you are human, you felt great sadness but the situation is not the same. I doubt you blame yourself for your mother's condition." Spock said looking at the sterile walls of the office.

"No, but I blame myself for not forcing her to get a cancer screening when she started complaining of headaches. Even though her own child is a doctor, she was actually terrified of us as a profession." She joked but her laughter seemed forced.

"You should not fell guilty for that." Spock said quickly.

"You should not feel guilty for not being able to evacuate your mom off of a planet collapsing into a black hole. Yet, you do. Why do you feel that her death is your fault?"

"I am not sure how to answer that." Spock finally answered after a few moments of silence.

"We can work on that," she said with a smirk as the room became quiet again.

"Let us try a different technique." Dr. Suarez said after a few more moments of silence. “Talking isn't working right now. I don't think you trust me enough for that yet. Maybe it would be better if you wrote down your feelings." She suggested.

"You want me to write a letter to someone that I will never give that person?" Spock questioned raising his eyebrows again.

"I was actually thinking about having you write in a journal. However, if you think it would be more productive for you to write to an actual person instead, you can do that. How do you know about this technique?" Spock thought about this for a moment. He could tell her about his conversation with Nyota but did not want to because it would probably lead to a discussion about why he terminated his sexual relationship with her. Any mention of the letters that he is still receiving from Jim was also something he did not want to discuss. He personally wanted to avoid any discussion of the ethics of keeping the fact that he is receiving the letters from James a secret. That only left one option.

"My mother had a tendency to write my father that sort of letter every time they had an argument." He finally told Dr. Suarez.

"How often did that happen?" She asked him.

"Very often. My father has a tendency to be overbearing at times. He also tries to push his own way too often. Currently, he is trying to coerce me into leaving Starfleet behind and marrying the Vulcan of his choice so he can have grandchildren sooner." By Vulcan standards, his tone was icy as he explained this to the doctor.

"Maybe you could write your mother. You can talk to her about your guilt related to her death. You can even write about how much you miss her. I think writing that type of letter could be cathartic for you." Spock has considered doing this several times but every time he has tried to compose such an e-mail, he is unable to. He doubts he can do so now, especially given the fact that the Doctor will most likely read his letter for therapeutic purposes of course.

"The dead are conscious of nothing. Her Katra was not preserved. Writing such a letter would be illogical." Spock says as an excuse.

"The purpose of writing these letters is to help you discover your own feelings on a matter. The purpose of writing to a person instead of just to the journal, is so that you can focus the conversation. I think you are just not ready to tackle your issues regarding your mother. That's fine. We will go at this at your pace. What about your father?" She asked and Spock really wished he did not mention the Vulcan earlier in this conversation.

"My relationship with my father is adequate and there's no need for me to write the man a letter that I will never give him." Spock responded quickly.

"The entire ship knows about the argument that you had with your father last week. The security footage has gone viral. Fortunately, for you, subtitles were not included and only a few people on board are fluent enough in Vulcan to understand the rapid fire conversation." If Spock were human, he would put his face in his hands in the expression of humiliation. Instead, he just glared at the doctor.

"Also, about five minutes ago you mentioned your father is trying to force you into an arranged marriage against your will. If I ask you how you feel about that you will most likely ignore the question."

"Possibly," Spock said in an undertone.

"At lease, you are honest. Your homework is to write a letter to your father about how you feel regarding his manipulations." She said handing him an old fashioned notebook and pen.

"I prefer you use this therapy journal. It's a lot safer than putting anything on the server." Considering the current situation with James, he agreed with her entirely.

"I will see you Tuesday during my ship office hours. Just send me or my assistant a message." Spock nodded in agreement before leaving the room as quickly as possible.

**To be continued.**

 


	25. Beautiful Chapter 13: You Have Me So Frustrated I Am Seeking Professional Help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place around letter eight.

Spock stared at the blank notebook in his quarters, completely unsure what to write. This was not the first time he considered using this particular coping strategy. On multiple occasions, he has mentally drafted a reply to James after receiving one of his 'special emails'. However, Spock never actually dictated the message. He has stared at a blank screen multiple times wondering what he would say to his mother if she was still alive, but he could never typed the words. Now, he had no choice but to tell his father how he felt, although, not for lack of trying to circumvent the situation.

He tried to avoid scheduling a follow-up appointment with Dr. Suarez. If he did not see the doctor again, there would be no need for Spock to do his unnecessary homework assignment. This did not work because Dr. Suarez scheduled an appointment for him at 7:00 AM ship time the next morning. Spock was more displeased because this meant he could not have breakfast with Jim that morning than he was over the fact that he would have to see the therapist.

Next, Spock tried to convince Dr. McCoy that he did not need the services of Dr. Suarez. The result was not favorable.

"Like fuck you don't." The doctor yelled, complete with expletive, after Spock explained why he did not need psychological services.

"If I had half the balls of Dr. Suarez, I would have forced you into therapy long ago. How many times did I have to give you sleeping medication? How little did you eat during the first few weeks on board?" Given the fact that the doctor continued rambling Spock was sure these were rhetorical questions.

"You try to kill Jim because you were out of your fucking mind with grief. Unless Jim is with you, you still barely touch your food. That's why I encourage him to eat with you whenever possible. I don't know where to begin to psychoanalyze the fact that you're pretending to still be in a relationship with your ex because you're scared of being in love with your captain. You are one fucked up individual."

Yes, the doctor's points were valid. However, Spock did not want to accept this. He considered questioning the viability of the doctor's assertions but Spock knew the argument would be hollow.

"The sooner you can accept that, the better off we will all be."

"I will admit that I am not handling my mother's death as well as expected. However, I do not need Dr. Suarez's services." Spock argued again.

"No one is expecting you to wake up the next morning after watching your entire planet being destroyed and be perfectly OK. I'm may joke about it but you're not a computer. It's going to take time and in your case professional help." The doctor said before taking a long drink.

"The whole thing is a lot worse for you because you grew up in an environment where you were told it's not okay to cry or express any emotions whatsoever. We have been on this planet barely 10 days and I'm starting to wonder why they didn't have us bring a whole shipload of shrinks. We are surrounded by thousands of Vulcans who are not handling things very well; yet, they are convinced that they don't need any help. You can't be super Vulcan. You need somebody to help you through your problems. Maybe Suarez can get you to work through your Jim Kirk related fear too, because I'm tired of dealing with two teenage girls who are afraid to talk about their damn feelings. I'm too busy dealing with trying to staff the new medical center and training volunteer doctors that have never worked with the green blooded before to deal with this." The doctor was spluttering at this point as he drank.

"I am neither a teenager nor a girl." Spock said defensively.

"Lord, give me strength." The aggravated doctor mumbled into his glass.

"You're seeing the doctor or I'll tell Jim all about you 'accidentally' reading his therapy letters. No, I don't believe your bullshit explanation. Knowing your computer skills, you probably broke into the file on purpose to see what your Jimmy bear really thinks about you." Dr. McCoy threatened him.

"I should see a healer not a psychologist." Spock argued in a desperate attempt to avoid seeing Dr. Suarez again.

"I like to see my daughter on Christmas but it's not going to happen. You are not even the most screwed up Vulcan here, much to my shock. You actually accept the fact that you have a problem, on some level. Unless, you can convince the scary Vulcan lady with the psychology degree to see you, you're stuck with Dr. Suarez. Now, get the hell out of my office, so I can spend quality time with my girlfriend." Spock felt it was best to leave before Nyota arrived.

He was sure that she would question Spock on the peculiar looks that he has been giving his other-self every time he interacted with James. Spock managed to break part of a table at the dining facility at the temporary council headquarters when he saw Jim accidentally touch his other-self's hand. He really did not want to have that particular conversation with Nyota.

Spock felt it was in his best interest to convince Healer Weston to see him again. However, he decided against that when he found out that Nurse Chapel would be her assistant for the next two weeks. Now 7 hours and 22 minutes before his next session he is desperately trying to finish his homework and he has no idea what to write to his father. Six failed attempts were currently sitting in his recycle bin much to his displeasure.

What he would like to write is 'please stop trying to make me live your life'. What actually comes out on the page is nowhere near that honest. It becomes the usual platitudes of concealed acquiescence that always occur during interactions with his father. He would never say something to the effect of 'I want to (insert item of choice)'. Even during their argument several days ago, he could never explain why he wanted to stay in Starfleet nor had no desire to bond to any Vulcan. He sincerely doubted that writing these thoughts down would be any more effective than trying to say them aloud, even if he had no intent of ever showing this to his father.

Although, if James' letters are any indication, it seems it is easier to write the truth on paper (or computer screen) than to tell the person directly. James was always much more honest in his letters. At the very least, Spock should have tried to imitate James example. After rereading a few of Jim's letters, purely for the purpose of studying well executed examples of the exercise, he took pen to paper again.

_Dear Sarek:_

_You will most likely never see this letter as it is a therapy assignment that I never intend to show you. Actually, I never intend to tell you that I am seeking the assistance of a human therapist, not completely of my free will. I wish to avoid your condescending comments on the matter. However, certain personal experiences have showed me that despite my best efforts to conceal the existence of this letter you may still read the content, despite my wishes or intentions._

_Considering that you broke into my journal as a teenager and read my personal thoughts, I would not be surprised if you broke into my personal quarters on Enterprise and found this therapy journal. I do not trust you. I am sure you would justify your invasion of my privacy just like you did when I was a youth. I am most certain your justification would be your efforts to find me a new bond mate. Even though I am 28, by human standards, you still perceive me as an adolescent. Please stop doing this._

_I do not want a new bond mate, at least not one of your choosing. The experience with T'Pring was so distasteful, that I wish never to repeat it. Considering she was engaged in a clandestine sexual relationship with Stonn at the time of her death, I doubt that our bond would have moved past the initial phase. She detested me for my human DNA, just like the majority of my Vulcan contemporaries. I do not want to be permanently bonded to an individual who will not appreciate who I am. I am tired of suppressing part of myself to make you and everybody else comfortable. Even if you cannot accept that I am part human, I must. James and Nyota keep telling me that I am myself and not the representative of my entire race. I must keep their words in mind._

_I do not want to attend these lunch appointments that you are forcing me to attend in the hopes that I will agree to marry someone you choose. First, I find most of these individuals distasteful. I do not want to join my mind with such closed-minded individuals. We would have very little to speak about because my interest will always exist outside of the colony._

_More importantly, I would rather spend my scarce free time with James. At the very least, he appreciates me on an individual level and accepts me for who I am. I do not have to be anyone but myself around him. Our relationship is without pretense. Despite our auspicious start, I find that I enjoy his company. I would rather be tortured than be forced to 'make small talk' with an individual who will most likely refer to my mother as a human Whore. James is a very intelligent human and fun to be around. (Contrary to what I have been told my entire life, having fun is not illogical or counterproductive.) Though, I do find it somewhat annoying when he leaves his towels in the middle of the floor of our shared bathroom._

_Along the same line of reasoning, please do not invite other suitors to our planned dinner with James. Though I am pleased that you want to meet one of my friends, who also happens to be my superior officer, I do not wish for you to belittle the occasion by turning it into another mechanism for matchmaking. I am 28 years old by human standards; if I want to become bonded again I will find my own potential partner. As for that certain medical condition that I have inherited from your side of the family, I will find my own way to deal with it that does not involve shackling myself to another Vulcan that is as distasteful as T'Pring._

_Please do not embarrass me in front of my captain and friend at this dinner. Please do not bring out the digital photo album and show James pictures of me as a child. I am quite displeased that the picture of me lying naked cuddling a stuffed animal survived the destruction of Vulcan because mother saved these files on an off planet server. Please do not tell James embarrassing stories related to my childhood. James is a wonderful individual and I do not want him to think less of me._

_Please do not contact Starfleet again for the sole purpose of trying to manipulate my life. The only reason why I am not unduly upset about this mission is that I feel the ship can benefit the colony by being here. Much to your displeasure, I do not want to be on this colony, except in the capacity of a Starfleet official. I only considered returning previously because I felt it was my duty as a Vulcan. I now know I can help my people more from my position in Starfleet than working on the redevelopment of the colony in person. You may feel that I am being selfish, but I am where I need to be and who I need to be with. I do not want to live permanently in a place where my fellow Vulcans do not take my advice because of my genetic makeup. I am a highly capable Starfleet official. (You would know that if you bothered to actually come to my graduation or commendation ceremonies.)_

_I am working closely with some of the best experts in urban planning in the Federation on the creation of this colony. Just because they are not Vulcan, does not mean their opinions are worth less. I do not want to make the new colony in the exact image of what we have lost. This should be seen as an opportunity for growth and evolution, not regression._

_Why do you want me there in the first place? Do not keep giving me the same excuse about it being my duty to be on the colony. Why do you want me to leave my life behind? The one that I created for myself. You spent the entire time I was on earth, before the disaster, ignoring me and now you want to pretend as if the past never happened. I am unable to do that._

_Mom is no longer around to function as an intermediary between us. I wish she was still here. I miss her but I could never tell you that, not really. Grief is an emotion that good Vulcans are not supposed to have. I guess I am not a good Vulcan because I am unable to suppress the anger and grief that I feel. I do not want to pretend that mom's death did not happen. I cannot pretend that everything will be wonderful now. I do not want to pretend that before her death we did not spend nearly a decade without speaking to each other (unless someone was dead). I cannot act like everything is the same as it was, when nothing can ever be the same again. I am not the same._

_In conclusion, I have to be my own person. That means I need you to let go and let me live the life I want to live._

_Sincerely,_

                                                                                          Spock

* * *

"Have you ever considered actually telling your father that you do not want to get married? Forget the marriage thing, have you told your father any of this? You mentioned a lot of issues from your mother's death to being tired of trying to live up to his perceived ideal of the perfect Vulcan." The doctor asked after Spock voluntarily read his letter to his father out loud. Dr. Suarez said it was his choice but Spock knew that it was best just to read the letter now.

"That would be illogical." Spock said quickly. It was his automatic response to anything he did not want to do.

"Talking to your father is illogical? Doing what you want to do instead of what everybody expects you to do is illogical?" Dr. Suarez asked giving him a puzzled look as she wrote something in her notebook PADD.

"We have never had a suitable relationship. Communication has always been difficult between us." Spock said not looking at the doctor.

"I can tell considering that you spent nearly a decade practically not speaking to the Vulcan." The doctor said furiously scribbling.

"He was the one who chose to essentially cast me out of the family because I did not want to follow in his footsteps by attending the Vulcan Academy of Science. He was furious when I turn down the offer to attend the school for Starfleet Academy." Spock said looking directly at the doctor.

"Why did you turn down the offer to attend this school?" The doctor asked with genuine puzzlement and concern. He could lie and say that he went to earth and Starfleet academy because they offer something that he could not get on Vulcan but that would not entirely be the truth.

"The panel only looked at me in terms of genetic makeup. My accomplishments were great for someone who was only half of Vulcan. They acted as if they were letting me into the academy in spite of my disadvantages. I refuse to study at an institution like that." Spock said honestly. He never told anyone this before, not even his mother.

"There is obviously a lack of communication between you and your father. He knows that you are gay, right?" She asked this as a joke of sorts.

"Most of his proposed suitors so far have been of the male persuasion. However, some females have been included for reproductive purposes. The concept of sexual orientation is not as strictly defined on Vulcan, I mean in Vulcan culture, as it is on earth." Spock had to correct himself midsentence. It was hard for Spock to remember that there was no longer a Vulcan, only Vulcans remain. Sometimes he forgets for just a moment. If Dr. Suarez picked up on this, she said nothing.

"If you are not forced to participate in the arcane ritual of becoming engaged to the partner of your parents choosing as an adolescent, 92.413% of the time one marries the most mentally compatible regardless of gender. As long as you are with another Vulcan of a similar social standing, gender is irrelevant, usually." Spock cannot help the bitterness that creeps into his tone. "I have engaged in relationships with women before as well." Spock added as an afterthought.

"That may be the case. However, I have a feeling that you prefer men." The doctor said thoughtfully.

"That is true. My father discovered this when he read my digital diary as an adolescent." Spock said trying to conceal the uncomfortableness he felt it was.

"Why am I not surprised?" She mumbled under her breath before continuing. "No, I mean that you prefer human men or women for that matter, if the rumor mill is to be believed. You are human-sexual. Does he know about this?" The doctor corrected. Spock never heard things put in those terms before but to be honest he never found any member of the Vulcan species sexually stimulating.

"I am uncertain. He knows about my brief relationship with Nyota but he assumed that was a response to my mother's death. He seemed relieved when I informed him that we chose to part on amicable terms. Despite the pure hypocrisy of it, I doubt my father would be happy if I chose a male human partner given the current circumstances." Spock responded.

"However, you don't know that for sure?" The doctor questioned. As much as he would like to argue otherwise he did not have substantial evidence to prove that his father would be upset if he chose a human partner.

"Your assertion is correct." Spock said not looking at her.

"You're also afraid to tell him about this?" She asked. Spock just nodded in agreement

"I would suggest your father come in for a session but that's not going to happen. That would require you to tell him that you're in therapy in the first place." The doctor said shaking her head again.

"Your assumption is correct, again." Spock said with bitterness that he could not keep out of his voice.

"Was there ever a point in your life that you felt comfortable speaking with your father?" Dr. Suarez asked almost in exacerbation.

"No." Spock said without even thinking about the question. "I always had a much more open relationship with my mother. She never expected me to be anything other than myself."

"You feel that your father wants you to be someone other than who you are?" The doctor asked.

"If he accepted me for who I truly am, I doubt he would be forcing me to enter another arranged marriage." Spock said darkly.

"Good point. Would you consider letting your father read this letter?" Spock responded with a dark expression.

"I thought that would be the case." Dr. Suarez said quickly. "Things are never going to get better with your father unless you have a completely honest conversation with him without screaming or yelling."

"Vulcans do not scream or yell." Spock said in his defense.

"You do remember that conversation you had with your father the day after you arrived on planet?" she asks sardonically and Spock tried very hard not to respond with 'of course, I remember because my memory is perfect.' Instead, Spock just nodded his head in agreement.

“Your homework is to tell your father that you don't want to go on his matchmaking luncheons." If he were human, Spock would look at her with complete horror.

"That seems simple." Spock said as he tried to get up from the couch. Her assignment was anything but simple.

"Not so fast," Dr. Suarez said with an expression that told Spock to sit back down immediately. Amanda had a similar expression. "We still have 10 minutes. I would like to spend a few minutes discussing your James." At her words, Spock became increasingly more uncomfortable.

"James is a colleague and friend. Anything more than that, would violate several Starfleet regulations. There's nothing else to discuss." Spock said quickly trying to get up again. The doctor seemed amused.

"I think somebody is protesting a little too much. Sit back down, Commander. You said many flattering things about him, especially in the letter to your father. I would just like to know how did you go from literally trying to kill him, to speaking about him in terms that are usually utilized by a teenage girl discussing her favorite crush." If Spock were human, his mouth would be wide open at the doctor's bluntness. He really should not be surprised by this point.

"How do you know about the attempted murder incident?" Spock asked in an effort to avoid the more uncomfortable path this discussion could take. The fact that he was willing to discuss what happened with James the day his mother died on the bridge showed just how bad the situation really was.

"I'm not at liberty to say. How do you feel about our captain?" She asked as Spock felt his mouth go dry.

"I already know that you have emotions and sexual desires, so I'm not that surprised if you have a crush on Jim. If I was 20 years younger and into men, I probably would too." The Doctor said with a laugh to put him at ease, but nothing could put Spock at ease.

"Under other circumstances, I would stay here to answer these questions but I am due to a council meeting in 35 minutes. I need this additional time to prepare." Spock said as an excuse to avoid this possibly uncomfortable situation.

"Will your father be there at this meeting?" The doctor asked.

"Yes." Spock said, and displeased with this fact. He was tired of his father questioning his authority in front of the entire council.

"Okay, you can leave early. I think you need that extra time to mentally prepare for dealing with him. Remember your homework and to schedule your next appointment." The doctor told him but Spock was out of the chair before her words were finished.

* * *

Spock was glad that he was not actually receiving a grade for his therapy homework because otherwise he would earn his first less than exemplary mark ever. He did cancel all upcoming dates that his father was forcing him to attend with various Vulcans that Spock could barely stand to be in the same room with, let alone have lunch with. Instead of telling his father why he canceled said dates, he claimed that he had several important Starfleet related activities that must be performed during the lunch hour. This was not a complete fabrication because he did eat lunch with James and they did discuss business related things.

"How are things going with the council?" Jim asked as he quickly took a bite of his grilled cheese sandwich. Spock was eating the same thing. For the first time in months, he was actually able to consume grilled cheese and tomato soup without thinking of Amanda. Maybe therapy was beneficial but he would never tell Dr. McCoy or Dr. Suarez that.

"It is acceptable. We agreed to begin construction on two housing developments and an apartment complex in 2.3 days time." Spock said trying to accentuate the positive. This plan was only finalized after elder Selek suggested that Sarek stop arguing for the sake of arguing and listen to Spock's plan before automatically dismissing it just because he was not taking the path Sarek wanted him to take. Spock actually envied his other self for being able to stand up to a Vulcan that was essentially his father by genetics, if nothing else.

The others on the council, despite their disdain for his human heritage, gave Spock the same respect they would give any other Starfleet representative. They at least considered the viability of his argument before trying to dismiss it. Of course, Spock told Jim none of this, even if the personal politics involved affected the mission at hand.

"That's good. Is your father still treating you like a toddler?" Jim asked bluntly and Spock was caught off guard.

"He is not treating me like a toddler. He is treating me like a seven year old child that he is trying to force into a marriage bond." Spock said darkly, Jim seemed only slightly confused.

"That's completely fucked up. You have a girlfriend yet your father is trying to set you up with someone else." It would be so easy for Spock to say that he no longer had a girlfriend and therefore that was the reason why his father was so desperately trying to find Spock a new bond mate. Unfortunately, Spock could not say this out loud.

"He desires for me to find  **Vulcan**  companionship." Spock said simply. Again, that was mostly true.

"That just shows your father is an absolute hypocrite, in addition to being a complete ass."

"I have discovered that most people are hypocrites." Spock said taking a final bite of his grilled cheese. If it was anyone else, Spock would have made a comment about his father not being a donkey, but he did not need to hide behind pretense with Jim.

"That's definitely the truth." Jim said slurping the last of his soup.

"What time do I need to pick you up tomorrow, for dinner with your father?" Jim said reminding Spock of his upcoming humiliation. Was it wrong to hope for a red alert tomorrow evening so he would not have to spend dinner with his father?

"1830 planet time should give us sufficient time to travel to my father's temporary quarters." Under normal circumstances, he would leave 15 minutes earlier than that but he did not want to arrive to his father's quarters any earlier than absolutely necessary.

"That's cool. I assume that we're picking up Nyota on the way?" Jim asked. Spock found his question perplexing.

"Nyota was not invited." Spock said in response and Jim just frowned.

"Why do I have a feeling that your father is using this as another matchmaking opportunity?"

"Your instincts are right 93.421 percent of the time." Spock said actually having taken the time to discover the percentage.

"Do I want to know how you were able to come up with that number?" James asked with a puzzled look.

"No, James."

* * *

"Is it really that hard to tell your father that you do not want him to keep playing matchmaker?" The doctor asked with a quizzical expression during their next appointment. For some reason, Spock's attempt to schedule an early morning conference to go over various developments with James fell apart at the last moment therefore forcing Spock to attend his next session with Dr. Suarez.

"You are disappointed." Spock said noticing her expression. She looked displease the entire time Spock explained how he avoided his father's most recent attempts at matchmaking without actually explaining why he did not want to.

"To say that I am disappointed would imply that I and judging you. I'm not judging you. My entire purpose is to help you work out some of your problems. One of your biggest problems is trying to live up to expectations of others. It's hard enough to live up to your own expectations, stop worrying about everyone else's." She said with a laugh.

"Although, I was unable to explain the exact reason, I was able to avoid the lunches that my father was forcing me to attend. If I was able to accomplish the same purpose, does the means really matter?"

"What excuse did you give?" Spock would argue that he did not use some excuse but he is conscious that arguing with this doctor would be futile.

"I told him that do to the nature of the current project I would be having lunch meetings with Captain Kirk most afternoons for the duration." The doctor had a confused expression before she started asking various questions regarding his actions pertaining to James. Unfortunately, Spock was not able to avoid the questions by leaving the room like last time.

"Does Jim know that you're single?" Dr. Suarez asked after several minutes of explanation where she stayed mostly quiet.

"I have said multiple times that I see James as a colleague and friend." Spock protested again.

"I am a trained psychologist. I know when someone is lying to me. More importantly, I know when someone is lying to himself. You, Mr. Spock, are lying to yourself." She said pointing a stylus at him.

'No, I am just lying to you.' Spock thought but did not dare voice saying those words aloud.

"I know the regulations. I also know that Starfleet's fraternization policy no longer applies to this type of situation. You can thank your predecessor for that one. Actually, you would not have even ended up on Enterprise if there wasn't an alien fertility ritual incident that happened a couple of years ago resulting in Mrs. Pike deciding to take a desk job so she could spend more time with the miracle child that neither thought they would ever have." The doctor explained.

"I am well aware that there is no longer a prohibition on relationships between first officers and captains." Spock researched this the first time he realized that he had more than platonic feelings for his commanding officer.

"Even if that wasn't the case, anything we say here is completely confidential. I'm not going to talk about what we are talking about to any of your colleagues as long as you're not planning to kill yourself or someone else. I think I also have to disclose possible acts of terrorism, but I don't think you are that crazy." She said trying to be reassuring.

"I understand that." Again, he was very familiar with the confidentiality policy at Starfleet.

"Good." Dr. Suarez said with a sigh. "I am going to ask you this question again. Before you answer, bear in mind that you just spent 5 minutes talking about Jim's eye color." Spock looked directly at the carpet at that moment realizing that was not hyperbole.

"Are you attracted to James Kirk?" Dr. Suarez asked looking directly at him. It was the type of look Amanda gave him when she knew that he was lying.

"Yes." Spock finally spoke after several minutes realizing that lying would be counterproductive.

"Thank god we're finally getting somewhere." The doctor mumbled under breath, most likely not expecting Spock to hear what she was saying.

"Do you feel strong emotions of a romantic nature in regard to him?" The doctor asked.

"Yes." Spock said in response after much hesitation. "Then, why haven't you told Jim that you are interested in him?"

"I do not feel emotionally healthy enough for a relationship of any significance at the present time." That was when Spock explained the entire Nyota situation. The doctor stayed silent until he finished.

"I can understand how you would be reluctant to enter into another relationship again. Yet, how are these two things connected? Just because Jim knows that your single doesn't mean that you will fall into bed right away." The doctor told him with eyebrows raised.

"I am aware of that." Spock replied without inflection.

"Yet you're still afraid."

"I'm not afraid. Vulcans do not have fear because fear is an emotion." Spock said using the excuse automatically. This resulted in the doctor laughing.

"We're definitely going to have to work on that next time and I thought you were getting better about that sort of thing. Please remember that you are an individual, not the sole representative of the Vulcan race and therefore you can be anyone you want to be. If you want to be angry, you can be angry. If you want to cry, you can cry. There are no boundaries here." She said looking at him intensely. Spock could tell from her eyes and tone that she was being sincere.

"Okay," Was the only thing Spock could say to something like that.

"Let's end this session now, we only have five more minutes anyway." The last time Spock felt this much relief was when Starfleet avoided being pulled into the black hole created by the demise of Nero's ship.

"Let's talk homework." At those words, that relief instantly when away. Spock was already tired of her homework assignments. "Option one is to tell James that you are single." If he were human, his mouth would be open in horror. As a Vulcan, he merely raised one eyebrow in puzzlement.

"I have tried to do this on multiple occasions, but so far I have been unsuccessful."

"Have you tried telling him in a letter?" Spock thought about it but he wasn't going to tell her that.

"You can try writing him a letter about how you really feel."

"What's the second option?" Spock asked knowing that the first one would be impossible at this juncture.

"During that family dinner that you absolutely positively do not want to attend, I want you to tell your father the real reason why you canceled all of your lunch dates." Again, Spock felt that the latter option was much more practical even if he did not want to do it at all.

"I will explain to my father why I do not want him to interfere with my love life." Spock said in acquiescence.

"Good. Later on, we can work on trying to get you a love life. I will see you sometime next week I will have my assistant send you an e-mail." The doctor said quickly but Spock was already halfway out the door, wanting to have this session over with as soon as possible. He was in such a hurry that he did not notice the individual that he ran into.

"I apologize." Spock said without looking.

"No big deal." When Spock heard his voice he knew instantly this was his James. "Hey what are you doing up here?"

"He was here this morning to discuss some of the problems we're having on the colony regarding mental health. I needed to get the Vulcan perspective and Commander Spock is the only Vulcan I know that doesn't think psychology is pure bullshit. It's hard to treat people who do not realize that they actually have a problem. I mean you are here just to discuss ship stuff, such as the sexual harassment seminar that you're making me teach. Not everyone who comes to my office is completely crazy. Even if he was a patient, that would be none of your business. It was nice speaking with you, Commander Spock, and I will try to come up with new strategies to help those on planet." She said quickly.

With that, Spock was gone; although, he did make a mental note to discuss the treatment strategy for those on planet.

* * *

"If my father was trying to set me up with random strangers for the sole purpose of making Vulcan grandbabies, I would seek professional help too. I don't know why you're so uncomfortable about it." James said as they walked back to Jim's quarters after materializing on the ship after attending one of the most awkward dinners he has ever had with his father. Considering the fact that Spock has been practically disowned by his father previously, this is a remarkable feat.

The only saving quality of the evening was that Sarek did not inundate him with possible suitors. Everything else was less than tolerable. First Spock is positive that Sarek served several foods that James is highly allergic to, despite the fact Spock emailed him a comprehensive list of all of James' allergies prior to dining together. The only thing Jim could eat was the bread.

The meal became even more uncomfortable when Sarek started interrogating Jim in a way that James said was reminiscent of the ancient earth film _Meet the Parents_. (They were scheduled to watch the first two films in the series during their next movie night.) The Vulcan actually had the audacity to ask James how many sexual partners he has had. Spock was positive his cheeks turned green at this. The fact that James answered with nine made Spock wonder if his father gave James some sort of truth serum. He most likely put it in the bread, knowing that was the only thing Jim could eat.

"If I had a father that is, spending time with your father, almost makes me happy that I only had to deal with my mother." Jim said somberly, bringing Spock's mind back to the conversation at hand. "In my case it would've been crazy stepfather and that would never happen because something like that would require caring. The only thing Frank cared about was getting high and beating the…" Jim stopped in midsentence, realizing he was going to say too much. This made Spock sad.

"That sort of stuff was the reason why I had to see a therapist as a child." James said quickly. Spock had to repress the illogical desire to smile at the fact that James volunteered something so personal with him without the aid of alcohol after his prior omission.

"I was not there to see Dr. Suarez in a personal capacity." Spock said again feeling bad that he was lying to Jim after his moment of honesty.

"Okay, I believe you even if I don't. Again, it's okay. I just wish you were comfortable enough with me to tell me the truth. Maybe it would be good for you."

"In what way?" Spock asked avoiding other more problematic parts of Jim's earlier statement.

"I'm just worried about you. Losing your planet and your mother on the same day cannot be easy for anyone. The situation with your father is obviously making everything more difficult for you. You kind of have a tendency to keep everyone at arm's length." Spock was tempted to reply with 'you do the exact same thing' but considering the nice night that they have been having, despite Sarek's best efforts to make both miserable, Spock felt it was the better part of discretion to stay silent on the matter. "I want you to be able to talk about these things with me. I understand what it's like to lose a parent. But for whatever reason you're not ready to talk to me about it. Despite that, I want you to tell somebody what is going on even if it happens to be a professional. Dr. Suarez is definitely a well qualified professional, that's why I begged her to serve on board Enterprise. Honestly, I don't think we can take another bridge incident." James joked.

"I will take your words under advisement." Spock said quickly as they reached his door.

"It'll be OK. I'm sure your father will stop with the stupid stuff as soon as you bring Nyota over for her to kick him in the balls." Jim said as he squeezed Spock's hand. Spock wondered if Jim knows that he just gave him a goodnight kiss. The gesture had Spock distracted enough that he did not mention that full blooded Vulcans do not have external testicles.

"Goodnight Jim." Spock said reluctantly letting go of Jim.

Spock was sure this evening would be the type of thing Jim would write a letter about and therefore he checked his e-mail at exactly 12:01 only to be disappointed. That obviously meant that Jim discovered the computer error. Instead, he found an e-mail from his father asking if Spock was resisting Sarek's efforts to find him a bond mate because of Jim. Spock had no choice but to respond to this.

* * *

**From:** SpockX

 **To:** ElderSarekVC

Subject: I do not need you to meddle in my personal life.

Time sent: 9/22/2258 00:10:41

Regardless of my intentions regarding James Kirk, I am not interested in spending the rest of my life with someone who does not appreciate me for who I am. I am not sure you appreciate me for who I am, therefore I do not trust your judgment in regards to finding me a life partner. I will find my own bond mate. If this individual just happens to be James Kirk, you will accept this if you want to be a part of my life. I am not sure if you will, since experience has taught me that you are willing to leave me behind when I do not conform to your expectations. I wish you will not do this because you are all I have left. However, I will no longer compromise who I am to be the Vulcan you expect me to be. I am not just a Vulcan. I am myself.

* * *

To be continued.


	26. Beautiful Chapter 14: Love, Spock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will start to explain why Jim and Spock are having the same dreams. This corresponds with the events from chapter 10.  
> In response to several of the reviews I received the first time around, I want to point out that the alternate universe Spock is going to be a very different person from Spock Prime, psychologically speaking. The death of his mother and the loss of Vulcan has forever changed who he is. This usually happens to those who go through a major traumatic event. Spock may appear more mature compared to the original timeline because circumstances forced this transformation. This is the ultimate exploration of nature versus nurture.

When Spock sent his e-mail to his father, he was expecting another unfortunate confrontation involving vast amounts of screaming (or as close as to an approximation of yelling his father would allow).  It would be what Spock would deserve for letting his emotions control him in what humans refer to as ‘the heat of the moment’.  Despite Dr. Suarez assertions, Spock is still uncomfortable expressing his feelings. 

He was not expecting a cordial lunch invitation or an actual apology.  Due to his perfect memory, Spock knows for sure that his father has never apologized for anything in Spock’s presence ever.  The act itself was almost disconcerting.  Sarek even agreed to no longer force the issue of Spock finding a bond mate, much to his relief.  Communication was still strained at best but it was a sufficient improvement.  Therefore, when Sarek asked for subsequent lunch meetings, Spock felt he had no choice but to agree to his father’s request even if this seriously curtailed the amount of time he could spend with James much to his displeasure.

Breakfasts with James, was also becoming rarer due to sessions with Dr. Suarez much to Spock’s frustration.  Maybe, if Spock was willing to let James know about his treatment schedule, they could meet earlier but Spock was still uncomfortable talking to James about this.  He believes that his fear comes from the stigma associated with mental illness and emotional imbalance in Vulcan culture and childhood memories about how his half-brother was treated due to his 'issues'.  Spock has been judged so much in his life that he is not ready for someone he loves to do the same.  There is too much of a stigma attached to mental illness in Vulcan culture to let anyone other than Dr. McCoy and Nyota know that he is in treatment.

He can admit that he loves James in his own mind now without becoming physically ill.  Spock considered this progress.  Unfortunately, he is still not able to do the same during therapy sessions, much to Dr. Suarez’s displeasure.  The idea of discussing any emotion even love out loud still makes Spock highly uncomfortable because this is the antithesis of how Spock was raised to behave.

“Okay so the dinner went badly, but at least he didn’t use the occasion to set you up with random strangers.  I’m glad that the two of you are talking to each other more; although, I wish you would find something to talk about other than construction projects but I won’t push.” Spock was tempted to roll his eyes at that comment but chose not to. 

“I’m proud of you for the e-mail that you wrote your father.  That was a good first step.  Although, we do need to work on you expressing your emotions without extreme provocation, but the fact that your message wasn’t filled with Vulcan curse words shows growth.” The doctor said with a smile.  Spock wondered if he would ever be able to express his emotions publicly unless under extreme provocation.  Punching out a classmate as a child instantly comes to mind.

“However, one thing does bother me.  Why didn’t you tell your father that you actually are interested in James in that way?” Dr. Suarez asked making more notes in her PADD.  Spock was tempted to make an excuse to leave again.  He dislikes discussing his Jim Kirk related feelings as much as he dislikes discussing anything related to his father.

“I am not ready for that type of relationship and therefore I felt it was best not to disclose the possibility of any non-platonic feelings I have regarding James Kirk.  It was more appropriate to inform my father that who I love is none of his concern rather than to notify him that his efforts are not needed because I found a perspective bond mate.” Spock explained as he stared at her back wall.  He was sure that at least one painting was Vulcan in origin.

“Do you realize that you just use the term ‘love’ not 'bond with'?” As soon as she asked the question, Spock’s expression froze.  “Are you in love with James Kirk?” Spock did not want to answer that question at all under any circumstance,

“I said love because a bond could not occur without love.” Spock said as an excuse to cover his sudden urge to leave the room as quickly as possible.  He already knew this technique would not work with Dr. Suarez.  Earlier in the session, Dr. Suarez informed Spock that if he kept trying to avoid necessary treatment that she would have no choice but to notify his superior officer.  The threat alone was enough to get Spock’s acquiescence.

 

“We both know that’s a lie.  Considering the amount of time I have spent on this colony, I know love has very little to do with bond mates.  It is about mental compatibility, logic, and what is best for repopulation.  Love is the antithesis of logic and therefore not a pertinent factor in matches.  Also, love is an emotion and therefore most on the colony refuse to acknowledge that it exists at all.” The doctor said with a snicker.

“However, I want love.” Spock argued back.

“The fact you just said that to me is progress.  Do you think you will find that love with Jim?  More importantly, do you want to love him?” His mind was screaming yes but the words could not pass his lips.

“I grew up in a place where love was a foreign concept.  Bonding was about logic, as you stated earlier.  Until my mother’s death, I thought my father only married her to improved diplomatic relations between Earth and Vulcan.  Only after her death, did my father ever tell me that he loved her.  I knew she loved me but I never said the words to her.  I was socialized not to.” Spock explained not looking at the doctor.

“You feel guilty about never telling your mother that you loved her?”  The doctor asked.

“Yes.” Spock answered without pretense or trying to argue that Vulcans do not feel guilt.  He already knew Dr. Suarez would not take such feeble excuses.

“Sometimes, I think the words ‘I love you’ are overrated.” Dr. Suarez began to explain.  “Your actions are more important than what you say out loud.  People can say that they love you and not mean it.  I see it all the time.  You have no idea how many battered spouses I have worked with in the past who swore that their partner loved him or her, even though their face was literally black and blue at the time.  Spock, it’s much more important that you show people that you love them by the way you treat the individual.”  Spock looked guiltily at the floor remembering what he refers to as the bridge incident. 

 “Spousal abuse is common on earth?” Spock asked.  Spock knew it also happened on Vulcan-- in Vulcan culture because his mother volunteered at a shelter for such individuals but it was another thing not discussed.

“Unfortunately, yes.” The doctor replied with a sigh.  “I remember this one horrible case of a woman who I will refer to as W.  After her first husband died, she remarried the first guy who paid her any attention.  Six months into the marriage, he sent her to the emergency room with three broken ribs and a black eye.  Instead of leaving him, she covered up what was going on and spent a lot of time in the bottle.” Bitterness could easily be detected in the doctor’s voice.

“What does that expression mean?” Spock asked for clarification

“W became an alcoholic or maybe she already was one.  I don’t know because she was more evasive than you are.  She stayed with her husband for years until she found out he was using her youngest son for a punching bag as well.  She always made excuses for him when he was hitting her but she couldn’t when he was attacking her children.”

“That is unfortunate.” Spock said against airing at the floor.

“I know you’re thinking about the bridge incident.  That situation actually was different because, unlike most of the battered spouses that I worked with, none of them were trying to get their lover to hit them.  You do realize that Jim was deliberately trying to get you to react because according to Dr. McCoy you were ‘functioning on autopilot’?” Dr. Suarez asked.

“It still does not excuse what happened.” Spock mumbled under breath.

“No, it doesn’t and this is something that you too will have to work through.  Maybe, that’s why you are so afraid of the L word beside socialization.  We can work through this.” The doctor said calmly.

“We have a lot to work through.” Spock mumbled again.

“We have lots of time to work through it.  I signed up to be on Enterprise for the next three years.  I’ll see you on the 30th at 7:00 AM.” Spock just nodded in agreement.  He has finally come to the point where he accepts that he needs this time with Dr. Suarez.  Despite specializing in humans, her techniques seem to be helping some.  He survived a lunch with his father without the need of a chocolate chip cookie, that is progress.

“What is my homework assignment?” Spock said getting up from the couch before the doctor signaled otherwise.

“You are actually asking for homework and it’s only been five sessions.  You are so easy to train.  I want you to come up with the list of activities that can help you build a better relationship with Jim.” The doctor suggested with a smirk.

“I am not ready for a romantic relationship.” Spock argued back although he felt he could actually handle this assignment for once. 

“I don’t care if you’re trying to foster a friendship or love affair; I just want you to improve whatever type of relationship you want to have with Jim.  Sometimes, I think the only difference between a romance and a deep friendship is sex and in some cases it’s not even that.” Dr. Suarez said laughing.

“How many items?” Spock asked deciding not to protest; otherwise, she would get a much more difficult assignment.

“I want at least five, but knowing you I will get 20.” The Doctor said looking at her watch.

“It looks like we still have a few minutes because I did not have to manipulate you into doing your homework for this session.  So how are the other Vulcans on the colony treating you?”  Again, this was another question Spock did not want to answer.

“Two minutes is not enough time to discuss such things.” Spock said trying to get up from the couch again.  Spock did not want to discuss his most recent verbal sparring match with Stonn.  He did not want to discuss this at all.

“That bad?” Unfortunately, knowing Dr. Suarez as well as he does Spock knows that he has no choice but to discuss the matter.

“Yesterday when I was working on the new housing development, with a group of Starfleet engineers, a certain former classmate of mine referred to my mother by eight different synonyms for prostitute.” Spock explained hoping that would be enough to satisfy her curiosity.

“I despise bullies. We will begin with discussing how others treat you next time.  I think we will need the entire session.” The doctor said with a sigh.

“That is highly probable.”

XXXX

Due to said former classmate, his next session with Dr. Suarez would not focus on his horrible treatment by his contemporaries, even if it was the trigger for Spock’s current emotional crisis.  At the very least, it was a strong contributing factor in Spock’s opinion.  Said emotional crisis would most likely be the focus of that session.

The morning started off with breakfast with James and a quick situation report on the projects for the day on the colony.  At some point during breakfast, James tactfully mentioned Nyota’s absence that morning.  He also asked if the couple were having any problems.  Spock was not ready to tell James that Nyota was having breakfast in Dr. McCoy’s quarters after most likely spending the night.  Instead, he chose to discuss yesterday’s meeting with the council.

It was actually a most pleasant meeting Spock has had with the council so far mostly because his father was no longer contradicting him for the sake of contradiction.  More importantly, Sarek was no longer trying to use these meetings in a desperate attempt to set him up with random Vulcans.  James laughed when Spock told him about this.

“My personal theory is your girlfriend tried to rip off his balls when she found out about him play matchmaker.” James said still laughing.

“Nyota it did nothing of the sort.” Spock replied purposely not referring to Nyota as his girlfriend.  “She has been aware of his attempts to find me a proper Vulcan bond mate and has even made various suggestions.” The statement was quite true in one sense.

In a conversation with Nyota yesterday Spock found out she specifically told his father that Spock was not interested in any Vulcan bond mate because he was already in love with James Kirk. (Yes, she actually told his father that he was in love with Jim Kirk.)  His father invited James for dinner specifically to disprove her accomplices.  Sarek found her hypothesis so outlandish that he agreed to stop his attempts at matchmaking if such a thing were true.  Unfortunately, Spock’s behavior and demeanor during the dinner supported her conclusion.  Apparently, Spock owed his former girlfriend a pair of very expensive shoes on their next shore leave for getting his father to stop his attempts at finding Spock a proper Vulcan spouse.

“Your girlfriend is conspiring with your father to find you the perfect Vulcan spouse?” Jim asked incredulously.  “When your significant other is trying to set you up with other people, it’s not a good sign.  Are you sure that everything is ok between you and Nyota?”

“Things are sufficient.” Spock said crisply.

“Are you sure?  Because that doesn’t sound like things are sufficient to me.” James asked with anger in his tone.

“We must finish eating in 3.2 minutes if we are to arrive at the sight of the new learning center before the first shift arrives.” Spock said trying to avoid any further discussion regarding this matter.

“Fine, you wouldn’t want to leave the construction workers waiting.” Jim said grudgingly as he threw his napkin down on his plate obviously upset for reasons unknown.

As they made their way to the construction site, James continued asking about Nyota until Spock finally told him that she was spending the morning with Dr. McCoy.  James seemed placated by this not understanding what Spock really meant by his statement.  When they arrived at the site Spock encountered several of his Vulcan contemporaries who chose that moment to criticize his oversight of the project solely because of his genetic makeup.  The discussion deteriorated into various individuals referring to his mother by various derogatory terms for a sexually provocative female.  As much as he wanted to render certain Vulcans unconscious for their vulgarity, this would be counterproductive.  It was obvious to Spock that James wanted to do something similar by the way he kept clenching his fists. Therefore for the sake of diplomatic stability, Spock felt it was best to leave the site.  James eventually followed behind him grudgingly.

As they walked to the nearby housing development to evaluate that project, James asked about the altercation. Spock tactically changed the subject to the housing development.  James did not allow this to happen and pressed more on this issue.

“I just don’t get why you are calmly walking away when that bully called your mom by several dirty words I’m not going to repeat.  I wanted to kick his ass and he wasn’t talking about my mom.” Jim pointed out with a raised voice.

“I am aware of your desire for violence.  Considering that we must interact with these Individuals for at least five more weeks, such actions would be ill advised.” Spock said trying to avoid James real question.

“Yet very satisfying.”  James mumbled under breath. "Okay, I get that physical violence was not appropriate at that moment but you still could have told that idiot to go fuck himself.  Instead, we just walked away.” James explained.

“Such actions are anatomically impossible.” Spock remarked again trying to avoid the real question at hand.

“Don’t think jokes are going to get you out of this discussion.  I just want to know why you did not respond.” James asked, his voice getting louder.

“Why should I respond?  Such behavior is normal.” Spock finely admitted aloud in hopes of placating James.  This did not work.

“So it’s perfectly normal for some big Vulcan guy to come up to you and call your mother a slut as he talks about screwing your now deceased fiancé behind your back?” James asked in irritation almost screaming.  “You had your hands around my neck for less.” 

“I did not respond to his comments because I do not care what he thinks.”

“But you care about what I think?” James asked. 

“Yes, I do James.”  Spock said in response.

“You have a funny way of showing it.  When I tried to talk to you about your dad, you changed the subject.  When I tried to ask you about what’s going on between you and the girlfriend, you changed the subject.  When I tried to talk to you about the small-minded idiots on this Colony, you changed the subject.  When I tried to talk to you about your mom, you changed the subject.  Are you starting to see a pattern here?  Because I am.  By the way, when the hell were you going to mention you were engaged to someone else?”  James asked with hands crossed against his chest with a dark expression on his face.

“There was no appropriate time.” Spock responded weakly.  The answer was somewhat accurate but Spock doubted it placated James. 

“There’s never a fucking appropriate time with you.  I’m so tired of being around someone that keeps everything inside.  Why can’t you talk to me?  Why can’t you tell me anything?” James screamed.

“How can I tell you anything if you refuse to extend the same courtesy to me?  When I ask you questions about your mother, you become defensive.  The same goes for any discussion involving your stepfather or biological father.  If it was not for the note on your personnel file, I probably would be completely unaware of your brother’s death.  You rarely talk about your younger brother Kevin.  You rarely mention anything about your life pre Starfleet.  I know all about your taste in music but nothing about who you really are.”

“Maybe, I would be more willing to talk if you weren’t so closed off all the time.  Would it really be that hard for you to just talk to me?”

“I’m talking to you right now.” Spock responded in a clip tone.

“No you’re not.  You’re not even willing to talk to me about the fact you’re seeing Dr. Suarez in a professional capacity, let alone anything else.  You are driving me fucking crazy.”

“I am seeing Dr. Suarez in a professional capacity.  We are currently collaborating on the treatment strategy regarding mental illness and depression on the colony.”  That’s where Spock thought he saw a hand moved to him but then he saw that James hands were once again balled up by his side. 

“That is absolute bullshit. I can’t deal with this.  I can’t deal with you right now.” With that James was gone, leaving Spock completely confused.

What just happened?

XXXXX

Spock tried not to think about that morning’s altercation as he kept his mind busy with various projects.  This was difficult considering he heard various crewmembers or volunteer workers discussing the incident.  Apparently, Enterprise gossip travels faster on the colony than on the ship.  Nyota knew about what happened before lunchtime if the following text messages were any indication:

_Seriously, I thought you were done using pigtail pulling as a strategy to get into Jim Kirk’s pants.  No arguing unless you’re planning on makeup sex later.  I don’t think you’re ready for that yet._

 

_You two are driving me crazy.  Can you two please kiss and make up already? Literally or figuratively, I don’t care.  I’m so tired of dealing with a sulking Jim Kirk._

 

Even Dr. Suarez apparently heard about the incident because she emailed Spock just after lunch to change his homework assignment, much to Spock’s displeasure.  He already came up with 15 different projects to help facilitate a stronger relationship with James including more movie nights and doing some of the team building exercises from _How Not to Kill Your Work husband: The Idiots Guide to Work Relationships_. (After this morning’s incident, open and honest communication was at the top of that list.) Instead, now he was being asked to write James a letter about how he felt about what happened this morning.  This is what Spock gets for not procrastinating on his original assignment.

He sent Dr. Suarez multiple emails trying to get her to allow him to proceed with his original assignment but she would not reconsider.  She did offer him the choice of writing Jim a letter about what happened that morning or having a 'couple’s therapy' session with James the next day.  Spock felt the latter was the lesser of two evils as James would say.

Like the initial letter to his father, Spock was having difficulty expressing his emotions in written word.  There are currently several different drafts sitting in his recycle basket.  The last disregarded letter began as followed:

_Dear James:_

_I am writing you this letter that I hope you will never see as a therapy assignment, despite my protests.  Fortunately, because this is in hard copy you will most likely not have a chance to read this accidentally like I have your therapy letters in the past.  Not that I will ever tell you about accidentally reading your personal thoughts due to a programming error created by your own hubris.  This is no longer an issue because I believe that you have already discovered this coding error because I have not received a letter from you in 1.9 weeks._

Due to the specific mention of therapy letters, Spock felt it was in his best interest to start over.  That was not something he wanted to discuss with Dr. Suarez at all.  His next attempt was more satisfactory.

_Dear James:_

_I am writing you this letter as a therapy assignment for Dr. Suarez.  Yes, I am seeing the doctor in her capacity as my psychologist.  She is currently trying to help me work through my issues regarding my mother’s death, my father, expressing emotions, my treatment by my fellow Vulcans, and my feelings for you.  Today’s assignment deals with the latter._

_I was originally supposed to compose a list of activities that will help us improve our relationship (whatever that may be).  Unfortunately, Dr. Suarez heard about this morning’s incident and felt it was more advantageous for me to write you this letter about said incident, even though I hope that you never come across this journal.  Because I am working in hard copy, the probability of that occurring is 0.5%, however, if personal experience has taught me anything, it is anything is possible when you are involved.  (If you ever do find this journal, please look at the program you developed to automatically delete your emails from the server that you do not want others to read.)_

_Most likely this morning's incident was triggered by the fact that I am uncomfortable telling you or anyone else that I am in therapy, in addition to expressing my feelings in general or acknowledging that I actually have feelings.  I would never consider telling my father I am seeking the services of a human psychologist.  In Vulcan culture, human psychology is not seen in a favorable light.  Talking about one’s emotions is highly discouraged.  Actually, recognizing that one has emotions, whether negative or positive, is highly discouraged._

_You are not supposed to feel sad, angry, or happy, let alone talk about it.  This is how I was raised.  I feel many things regarding my mother’s death from grief to all consuming sadness but I am not supposed to talk about these things.  I am not even supposed to feel them at all.  I am not supposed to discuss the fact that my father makes me feel inadequate because I can never be the perfect Vulcan.  I’m not supposed to talk about how 81.23% of the time I personally blame myself for the destruction of Vulcan._

_For the first few weeks after the incident, every night I would dream of doing something different that would save everyone.  If only I accepted Nyota’s invitation to dinner the night before maybe there would still be a Vulcan.  Maybe, if I did not try to have you suspended because you wounded my pride (that I am not supposed to have) by hacking into my program, you would have been in a position to let us know what was happening on planet sooner.  Even if we had just a few more minutes to prepare, maybe there would still be a Vulcan and therefore my mother would still be here._

_I am not supposed to discuss these things with anyone, least of all you.  I am only seeing Dr. Suarez in a therapeutic capacity under threat of losing my position in Starfleet, if I do not seek out adequate treatment for my depression.  (This is the first time I have acknowledged that I am in a state of depression.)_

_I am not keeping certain things from you because I do not trust you.  I am not certain how to share things that I had been conditioned my entire life to keep private.  I do not even like sharing these things with Dr. Suarez.  I may need two truffles before I even consider showing her this letter._

_I have discovered that in these letters it is easy to express things that you can never tell the person otherwise.  It helps that I am not planning for you to see this._

_Yes, it did hurt me to hear my mother refer to in such derogatory terms by my so-called peers.  I have heard similar remarks regarding my mother my entire childhood.  After nearly getting expelled for breaking a fellow classmate’s nose for saying such things, I have learned to internalize such anger as a good Vulcan should.  I realize that my Vulcan contemporaries were purposely baiting me to display some sort of emotional response.  If I display any emotions whatsoever it would prove to them that I was worth less because of my human heritage._

_At least with you, I know it is safe to be angry or sad.  You want me to express these emotions.  The problem is I was never taught how to express my thoughts and feelings except in circumstances similar to what is refer to as the ‘bridge incident’.  Not only did I react to you because I knew I could but because your words ‘hit a nerve’ as humans would say.  I never told my mother that I loved her.  I was not supposed to.  Your accusation was more painful than any insults that I received from my so-called peers because you revealed my deepest fear that my mother died not knowing how much I loved her._

_I am afraid of love.  I am not sure how to express it in any fashion, least of all romantic.  I love you.  I know this, yet I am terrified to say the words.  I am afraid to let you know._

_The thought of saying those words to you some day is completely terrifying (I am not supposed to feel that either.  I pretend that I am still in a relationship with Nyota because I am not ready for you to know how I really feel about you.  I changed the subject every time you mention my supposed romantic relationship with her because I feel guilty for lying to you.  Contrary to what elder Selek believes, a lie by omission is still a lie.  I am sorry I am afraid to love you._

_Love,_

_Spock_

XXX

 

It is after midnight by the time Spock actually has something usable even if he is not sure he will let Dr. Suarez see the entire thing.  He finds the process of writing the letter so cathartic that he falls asleep within minutes.  It happened so quickly that he does not have time to check his e-mail.  This is unfortunate because when he wakes up 5.2 hours later the e-mail server is down and he is unable to check his messages.  Because of his 7:00 AM appointment with Dr. Suarez he is unable to help the IT team with the problem.  (He was informed by Dr. McCoy that if he tried to avoid his schedule therapy time again he would tell Jim everything.)  Spock wished he canceled his appointment for that very legitimate reason when he found Healer Weston in Dr. Suarez's office waiting for him.

“Where is Dr. Suarez?” Spock asked as he slowly walked into the room with trepidation.

“There was an incident on the colony last night that Dr. Suarez is still trying to resolve.” Healer Weston said without making eye contact.  “She canceled most of her morning appointments but because of certain events yesterday she did not want to leave you without the services of a trained psychologist.  Since we have met earlier and I was available this morning, she felt it was best if you met with me.” At that point, Spock walked to the door.

“In that case, I will contact Dr. Suarez to reschedule the session.  If you were unwilling to assist me previously, I sincerely doubt that you would be able to now.  My circumstances have not changed.  I still have the unruly mind of a half human.” Spock said with thinly veiled anger. Healer Weston seemed perplexed by his comments.  The fact that Spock could detect any emotion in the Vulcan's face was disconcerting.

“I think you misunderstood the reason why I handed over your case to Dr. Suarez, who is much more qualified to help in the long-term.  My decision was not based on your genetic makeup or anything else so petty.  Denying treatment for such bigotry would be a direct violation of my Hippocratic oath.” Healer Weston said sternly.  Spock was surprised to hear any inflection in her voice.

“Vulcan healers do not take such an oath.” Spock scoffed.

“They do if they train on earth.  In addition to my Vulcan healer training at VAS, I have a Ph.D. in human and Xenopsychology from Stanford University.  I have taught for 25 years at various institutions including Berkeley.  I am also currently at the forefront of the new field of Vulcan psychology.”

“However, if that is not enough to make you comfortable, my daughter and son are also bi-species.  I am well aware of the prejudice that both my children and I have encounter because of that.  I do not think less of my daughter because she has her father’s ears or my son because he has his father’s eyes.  Although, I do not appreciate the tantrum that occurred when I refused to let my children have a chocolate birthday cake like all the other kids at school. I still love both exactly the same regardless of their DNA.” If he were completely human, Spock would have fell off the chair when Healer Weston actually smiled at him during her explanation.

“If that is the case why did you hand off my treatment to Dr. Suarez?” Spock questioned. 

“My services as a train mind healer are more in demand than my skills as a trained psychologist.  There are other psychologists, such as Dr. Suarez, that are available.  I am one of only five mind healers that survived the destruction of Vulcan.  Despite the 93.7% probability that your mind would be severely damage from losing the psychic connections of your fiancé, mother, and other extended family there appears to be no lasting damage.  All current bonds are thriving.  This indicates that you do not need a mind healer.  My hypothesis is that because of your human heritage, your mind discovered a way to repair itself that those that are fully Vulcan could not.  That makes you superior in this instance.  I apologize for not making the time to explain the situation fully.” Her explanation placated him slightly mostly because she actually apologized.

“Yet, I am suffering from depression.”

“The fact that you are willing to acknowledge that you are depressed is more than our fellow Vulcans will do.  This makes me more certain that working with Dr. Suarez is the most appropriate path for you.  Despite the fact that I volunteered to work on the colony to help, even if it meant relocating my young children and husband where they will be treated as less, my work in Vulcan psychology is not respected by my peers.  If your issues where were solely related to psychic damage by broken bonds I could repair the damage in the time that you are on the colony.  However, depression takes longer to deal with and I felt it was better for you to start working with Dr. Suarez immediately instead of me handing over your care to her when your ship leaves.” Healer Weston explained.

“You felt this was the most logical course because Dr. Suarez is the therapist on board Enterprise?”

“I personally trained her at Berkeley and I know that she is more familiar with the Vulcan mind then many others in her field.  She spent a semester at VAS as part of the exchange program.  Most likely, Starfleet asked her to come out of early retirement to work on Enterprise because it would only be logical to have someone on board who was somewhat familiar with Vulcan physiology, even if her specialization is the mine.” Spock is surprised to learn this.  When Spock presented his initial objections to working with Dr. Suarez she never mentioned her specific training with Vulcans.  Some of her statements made more sense now than previously.

“This means that she is well qualified to work with someone such as myself?” Spock asked.

“If she was not available, I would have continued working with you until you left the colony.  However, because Dr. Suarez is not available today this will give us an opportunity to address some things that you may not be able to discuss with her.  Such as the prejudice that you encounter from your fellow Vulcans.”

“I am sure that you are familiar with such treatment and I do not need to describe the specifics of what I encounter.” Spock said trying to avoid the most likely uncomfortable conversation that will follow.

“I am sure that my experiences and those of my children are quite similar to some of the things that you have encountered.  On more than one occasion I have been called a slut for engaging in sexual intercourse with humans and contaminating the Vulcan gene pool.  Despite their supposed superior intellect, they are unable to come up with any more original insults.  However, not everyone on the colony is like that but some feel the need to make him or herself feel better by belittling the accomplishments of others because there are not able to accomplish such things their selves.  Eventually, I would like to commission a research study to prove a correlation between prejudice and lower intelligence.  Unfortunately, I am busy studying the effects of PTSD in the Vulcan population presently.” In his mind Spock was laughing at her joke, he would not do so out loud because that would be in poor taste.

“That is most unfortunate, I believe that you would find sufficient evidence to support your hypothesis that prejudice is related to intelligence.” Spock remarked.  “You are correct I have encountered similar situations; although, usually it is my mother who is referred to by that derogatory term.”

“After several millennia one would think that men would come up with a more creative way to insult a woman they find intimidating than making accusations regarding her sexual activities.”  Healer Weston said with a sigh before continuing.  "Dr. Suarez informed me that your altercation with your bond mate yesterday was partially triggered by the insults of Stonn, who was allegedly carrying on a sexual relationship with your former fiancé before her death.  Dr. Suarez received this intelligence from something she refers to as the ‘rumor mill’. Therefore, I cannot vouch for the authenticity of such material.” Spock was surprised that Healer Weston did not know what the rumor mill referred to after living on earth for so long.

 

“I have discovered that the Enterprise rumor mill is accurate 87.3% of the time.  In this particular case, the only fallacy was that this argument occurred with my bond mate.  That was not the case.” Spock was preparing to tell her that it was impossible for Spock to argue with his bond mate because he currently does not have one.  Unfortunately, he was prevented from doing so by her next question?”

“Did this argument occurred between you and James Kirk?” She asked.

“Yes, Healer Weston.” Spock confirmed.

“If you must use an honorific, please call me doctor.  I’m much more comfortable with that.  From my initial scan of your mind, I detected a strong psychic bond between you and one James Kirk similar to that scene between full bond mates.” The Healer— Dr. Weston said reading from her PADD.

“That is not possible.  I am willing to confess that I am attracted to James but we have not progressed to that point.  You are obviously mistaken.” Spock said in irritation

“I checked three times.  My findings are not faulty.  You did not create this link willingly?” The doctor asked in puzzlement

“Yes.” Spock said starting to felt dizzy again as the doctor smiled again in the most disconcerting way.

“I knew your mind was quite remarkable.  Unintentional marriage bonds or T’hy’la bonds, as is the colloquialism, are not unheard but are extremely rare.  There has not been a documented T’hy’la bonding in 279.5 years. The last occurred between two friends, after one lost his partner unexpectedly; therefore, creating a stabilizing effect. I hypothesize that your mind created the link between you and James in an effort to stabilize itself after the unexpected loss of the psychic link with your mother and/or your former fiancé.  This is quite remarkable. More study will be needed to understand precisely what happened.” Spock did not hear that last part because he promptly lost consciousness.


	27. Beautiful Chapter 15: I am Certain I Love You, but of Nothing Else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also thank you to Georgiana Spencer for being the beta on this chapter.  
> This chapter coincides with the events in chapter 10.

Spock was always under the impression that Vulcan's do not lose consciousness. However, as has been pointed out to him by several, including multiple medical professionals, he is also part human. Humans had a tendency to lose consciousness when hearing news of a life changing nature. He could not think of anything more life changing than finding out he was bonded to his James.  
If they were not in the middle of a battle situation, Spock most likely would have lost consciousness upon the realization that his mother was gone. It does not surprise him at all that the news that he is for all intensive purposes married to Jim Kirk causes him to lose consciousness. If he was going to do something that was completely uncharacteristic for him, Jim Kirk must be involved somehow.  
The idea that his mind formed an unintentional psychic link with anyone seems absurd. He remembered how much was involved with forming his engagement bond to T'Pring. (The experience was quite distasteful, due to the hatefulness he instantly felt from the young Vulcan girl and he had headaches for weeks following the bonding ceremony.) For him to create a much more complex bond without any planning or the outside guidance of a mind healer, did not seem possible, especially with a non-Vulcan mind. (Although, Spock was sure that James' mind was dynamic enough to negate the fact that he is human.) Maybe, if Dr. Weston told him that he was bonded to anyone else it would be completely outside the realm of possibility, but it was Jim Kirk. Absurd, unfeasible, and impossible are not even in Jim's vast vocabulary. The fact that Jim Kirk was the individual involved was the only reason why he could see it happening. If anyone could make the impossible, possible it was James. An accidental marriage bond seemed impossible in Spock's mind.  
As he meditated on the subject more, he could see it becoming more plausible. Presently Spock could hear Dr. Weston, Dr. Suarez, and Dr. McCoy arguing about the importance of putting all pertinent information in a medical report, such as the fact that a person is psychically marry when the individual says that they are single. During the reprimand, Dr. Weston discussed her hypothesis that the bond was formed during what is referred to as the 'bridge incident'. The circumstances were supposedly favorable for a bond to form. (Apparently, in some cultures, what occurred was a sexual act refer to as erotic affixation.)   
On the surface, her argument seemed absurd until he recalled everything he experienced. Spock could remember the muddled mess of his mind before the incident. The psychological pain he experienced in the immediate aftermath of his mother's death was almost unbearable. It was difficult to think rationally, which is the only reason in hindsight he can give for his decision to meet up with the rest of Starfleet, when in other circumstance he would have followed Nero ship without question. He was lost inside himself and Jim was the only one who could get through even a little bit. That was why he had him removed from the ship. He was falling apart inside. In retrospection, Spock realized that he was suffering the classic symptoms of a broken psychic bond including nausea and dizziness.  
It was not his father's voice that made him stop but rather Jim's. Not the voice of a man gasping under his hands, but the voice in his mind, vibrant and demanding as ever. Afterwards, he was still in mental anguish; however, he was functional. His ability to see the situation rationally had returned. He instantly knew how he could enhance the success of the mission. He would not have been able to work so seamlessly with Jim on the ship if his mind was still in shock over the loss of his link with his mother.  
There was other evidence as well. First, he was much more aware of Jim's emotional well being and moods than anyone else. He blamed this awareness on casual touches and the accidental letters that he received. However, looking back on it now Spock realized this awareness began after the bridge incident and predated the letters by weeks. He remembered being aware of Jim's nervousness before they arrived on the ship even if Jim projected an aura of calmness. He could also remember feeling shock and jealousy when the lieutenant kissed him on the transporter pad in front of James. He dismissed the feelings at the time but he does remember feeling them. According to a previous letter, those are the exact emotions that James felt at that moment which means that he really was feeling James' emotions. Feeling James' emotions may also be part of the reason why he had such trouble controlling his own emotions around the man. His emotions fed off of James' emotions. It was easy for his James to solicit a response from him, despite his urges for suppression. He was not sure how to process everything yet.  
However, the most telling was the dreams. He suspected for some time that he and James were sharing dreams. Sleep was the time when they both had the lease control over their minds. If they were bonded, it would not be unusual for the two to seek each other out when sleeping. He has read several cases of this happening before when Spock decided to research his unusual dreams. Vulcan's do not dream as humans but they can explore his or her subconscious during the rest cycle, supposedly. This meant that what has happened during his sleep were more than normal dreams but rather his and James minds meeting to discuss and do things that they were not yet able to do in the physical realm. In these meetings, he could express his love for James as well as his fears. In these meetings, he was even comfortable telling James about the demise of his relationship with Nyota. Conversely, James always shared things about himself that he would never do in the conscious realm. Spock has learned things about Jim that he has no other way of knowing.  
Spock doubted his mind would come up with most of the sexual scenarios that have occurred so far. This most likely originated from James' mind. He would never wear black leather and lace of his own volition (unless James asked). That is when Spock realizes that he has been engaging in psychic intercourse with James for nearly three months. That revelation was much more disconcerting then realizing the link existed in the first place.  
"I know you're conscious now." He heard Nyota say, as she continued to stroke his hair. "You look as green as Kermit. How do you feel? Do you need to throw up?"  
"Although, I feel nauseous, I do not believe regurgitation will occur. Who is this Kermit you speak of?" He said sitting up in bed, not really answering her question. He knew perfectly well who Kermit the frog was. His mother had an affinity for the works of Jim Henson and even Vulcan had its own version of Sesame Street.  
"Okay, I am so having Jim watch the Muppet Show with you as soon as you two kiss and makeup. Literally or figuratively, I don't care; just please stop bickering. Since you two are married by Vulcan standards, I say go for making out." She said with a smirk.  
"You are aware of the circumstances ..." Spock started but was unsure how to phrase his question.  
"Yes. I was with Leonard when he was called in. There's no way I was going to leave you here by yourself. Friends stay by their friends' bedside when they're unconscious." He actually found her smile reassuring.  
"Thank you, although that is not necessary." He said pulling away from her touch.  
"Yes it is. I may not have been the best girlfriend but I'm a great friend. Besides, even if I wasn't with Leonard, I probably still would have known. Those three are not very quiet with their arguing. If the regular sick bay crew was not on planet for a vaccination clinic for the first shipload of refugees, the entire ship would already know that you're married to Jim, in a very Vulcan way. They're currently fighting about the importance of taking a thorough patient history."  
In the background, Spock could hear Dr. McCoy say, "Just because you can know what's going on with your patient by looking in their mind doesn't mean you shouldn't fucking talk to him or her once in awhile. Arrogant doctors make for dead patients." The fact that the doctor was using profanity in a nonemergency professional conversation showed Spock exactly how upset the doctor truly was.  
"One cannot lie in their mind. I always get the most accurate patient history looking directly into one's mind." Dr. Weston defended.  
"Oh come on. I thought you taught us better than that in med school." Dr. Suarez added. "For me to be able to treat my patient effectively, I needed to know that he was married and had no idea. That was something that your mind scans missed but talking to him weeks ago would have shown you this." Her voice is angry. This led to Dr. Weston becoming more defensive.  
"What about James? It is protocol for the captain to be notified when his First Officer has become incapacitated for any reason." Spock asked her, turning his attention to the conversation with Nyota. He did not want to speak with James right now. How would he explain this to him?  
"Leonard said he didn't want to have to deal with an anxious teenage girl if he could help it. You know how protective Jim is of you. If you didn't wake up within an hour we were going to tell him. Besides, he was already worried enough about you." She said with a sigh.  
"Why would he be worried?" Spock asked.  
"When is Jim not worried about you? I ran into him on the way here and he asked me to convey his sincere apologies for yesterday's altercation. Apparently you have yet to return one of his six e-mails." This time she laughed.  
"He has sent six e-mails?" Spock asked with one eyebrow raised.  
"He may have exaggerated a bit. I mean the server was down until about 20 minutes ago." She said with a shrug.  
"Do you by chance know where my PADD is?" Spock asked her.  
"You just regain consciousness and you want to check your e-mail? You, have issues." She said, passing him a red PADD that was obviously not his.  
"It's mine, but I have universal access so you should be able to get to your account." It only took Spock 6.2 seconds to get into his account. He had 53 unread messages including 20 reporting e-mails regarding the happenings on other ships and on various starbases. Of the remainder, 7 were from James. He started reading the messages beginning with the latest one from 3.2 minutes ago.  
________________________________________  
From: KirkJT  
To: SpockX  
Subject: Sorry, I'm usually not this needy  
Time sent: 9/30/2258 08:43:21  
Okay apparently the server was down for most of the morning and your girlfriend just told me that you had an early morning appointment with Dr. Suarez, so most likely you did not read any of these emails. I'm not going to ask why you're seeing Dr. Suarez at 7:00 AM although that does explain why I haven't been able to have breakfast with you for weeks. It's your business and as your friend (I hope) I'm going to respect your right to privacy. However, in an effort to show that I do not expect more from you then what I am willing to give myself, I should let you know that I also see Dr. Suarez in a professional capacity as my shrink. Yes, I, Captain James T. Kirk, see a psychologist and I'm not ashamed to admit it. If I don't find it shameful, you shouldn't either. I used to work with her wife when I was younger before she died. She used to work with my mom, who has issues. If you have dinner with me tomorrow night, I'll explain what those issues are.  
Sorry for being an overly needy captain. I just need you to forgive me.  
________________________________________  
Spock smile that that before opening the next message that was dated only a few seconds earlier. Considering that 20 of his messages had almost the exact same time, he sees this as a side effect of the server being broken.  
________________________________________  
From: KirkJT  
To: SpockX  
Subject: If you were really my friend, you would accept my apology already and put me out of my misery  
Time sent: 9/30/2258 08:43:11  
Seriously, Spock would you please accept my apology. I'm sorry. Will you please start speaking to me again! That is an order. God, you drive me crazy. Only you can make me act like a desperate 12 year old with a crush. (Not that I have a crush on you).  
\-----  
Considering James tried to recall this message three times, it appears that James regretted sending the e-mail as well as the next one, which James also tried to recall, multiple times.  
From: KirkJT  
To: SpockX  
Subject: Yes, I am a prick, but so are you  
Time sent: 9/30/2258 08:42:31  
Look, I understand if you don't want to speak with me. I've been a complete prick, but so are you sometimes. You could still send an e-mail. Actually, I haven't received a single e-mail for the last 3 hours from anyone. But, I really need you to send me an e-mail or be in your lab when I need to speak with you. I am almost desperate enough to ask your GF for help again.  
________________________________________  
From: KirkJT  
To: SpockX  
Subject: I am sorry for yesterday  
Time sent: 9/30/2258 00:17:21  
I'm sorry for being a prick yesterday. I should not have let my temper get the best of me, although I still wish you would have let me kicked that little Vulcan bastard's ass. You don't call someone's mom that. However, you should apologize for not telling me stuff like this. Friends share things with each other. I am your friend, right?  
In the name of friendship, I suggest a pizza night tomorrow with movies and everything else. I can actually make a really good pizza without a replicator and I'm sure I can get all the ingredients on the colony.  
XXX  
Spock was tempted to smile when he read this message. However considering he found three more attempts to recall the message that came before it, Spock felt it was prudent to open that immediately.  
From: KirkJT  
To: SpockX  
Subject: I am sorry for yesterday   
Time sent: 9/30/2258 00:13:21  
I'm sorry for being an idiot. You drive me crazy and I don't know how to act around you 99% of time. Why do you bring out my inner teenager? This must be the alcohol talking.  
________________________________________  
When he heard Nyota giggling, he realized that she is reading these messages over his shoulder. She is one of the few humans that he knows that can keep up with his reading speed.  
"You do realize that reading over someone else's shoulders is against several Starfleet regulations." He reprimanded.  
"I could legally access your account any time I want." She reminded him. He was looking into revoking that privilege the first time he had a chance.  
"You may only access my account when a need arises. Your curiosity about my personal life does not meet the criteria of 'a need to know'." He responded with an eyebrow arched.  
"Yes, but you have been emotionally unstable lately. I'm just making sure you're not suicidal." Maybe, if Spock did not know about the Marc situation he would assume that she was joking. However, there was a certain amount of truth to her words that made him keep reading in front of her.  
That was a mistake because judging by the subject lines alone, the final two unread emails were messages that Jim never intended him or anyone else to actually read. (Although, according to the last letter he was slightly intoxicated, which would explain the slight inappropriateness of the emails that he is already read.) Apparently, Jim still has yet to rectify the error that keeps sending Spock these messages.  
"You told me that you were not receiving any more of those emails." She hissed at him with hands on hips.  
"I did not tell you anything explicitly. I just neglected to mention when I received a new one. Without reading the e-mail, I cannot determine if Jim did not intend for me to see these messages." He explained rationally.  
"I think a subject line like 'I'm not sure if I love you." is a dead giveaway. Especially, considering that in all the other emails he's just talking about being your friend." She exclaimed. He would point out the fact that Jim recalled two messages that mention the term crush as evidence that this is not necessarily the case, but he thought better of it.  
"In the Vulcan language the term friend can be interchanged with lover." He responded instead.  
"That explains so much." She mumbled under breath before grabbing a pillow and smacking him upside the head with it.  
"I agree with Jim, you're a prick sometimes. I can't believe you lied to me. You're still reading Jim's therapy letters." She yelled again.  
"Okay children, separate corners. We use our words, not pillows." Dr. Suarez said as she walked into the room with the other two doctors following behind her.  
"I am not a child." Spock said indignantly as he sat up in bed again. The doctor just gave him an annoyed look.  
"The pillow fight threw me off. I could have sworn I walked in on my five year old niece's slumber party." Dr. Suarez quipped.  
"It's not my fault. He's the one who is utilizing a computer glitch to spy on his accidental husband." Nyota accused.  
"I believe you and I have another patient to check up on." Dr. McCoy said as he dragged Dr. Weston out of the room as quickly as possible.  
"Explain now!" Dr. Suarez demanded.  
"I would prefer not to." Spock said quietly as Nyota nodded in agreement.  
"Do you want me to tell Jim about this? He should know you did pass out today. Also, he has a right to know that he is psychically bonded to you. I don't think you're getting out of that conversation. We will be discussing that. Talk now, or talk later when I drag Jim in. The choice is yours." She said in a tone that Spock has never heard from her before.  
Given that auspicious choice, Spock felt he had no other option but to tell Dr. Suarez what she wanted to know. He had no choice but to tell her the complete truth because Nyota was there to confirm everything.  
"Okay, so after another one of your big arguments with Jim instead of breaking another wall, he decides to write you an e-mail similar to what you have been doing the past few weeks in your therapy journal. I have a feeling that's where you got the idea to write your own letters but we will discuss that later." The doctor digressed. Spock just nodded his head to confirm her suspicion.  
"Due to some cosmic computer glitch, the message was actually sent to you. Instead of telling Jim you received his letter accidentally when it happened the first time you kept silent on the matter. Since June, you have been using these e-mails to help you with your relationship with Jim. How am I doing so far?" Dr. Suarez asked sarcastically.  
"You forgot that I did try to correct the error that allowed the delivery of these messages. Unfortunately, James restored the settings and altered the security on his computer so I am unable to correct the mistake again." Spock explained in a matter of fact tone, trying to defend his actions.  
"That still does not absolve you of culpability. You could still tell him." The doctor said in a much calmer tone this time. "I'm starting to get the impression that a lot of your problems are related to your inability to communicate with others. This is just another example of that issue." Dr. Suarez said with a sigh.  
"You think." Nyota said with an exasperated expression. "It took him at least a month to tell me that we would be better off as friends. Spock hasn't even been able to tell Jim that we haven't been dating since June. Do you really think that he's going to be able to tell his crush and accidental husband that he has been reading his innermost thoughts for just as long? I'm not even sure he's going to be able to explain the accidental husband thing." Nyota said in a sarcastic tone.  
"You have a valid point. Although in Spock's defense, I don't understand the accidental husband thing completely, so I seriously doubt he'll be able to explain it to someone else. However, you could have told Jim about the letters. You're in a much more stable emotional state then your former boyfriend and therefore able to comprehend the gravity of the situation. Instead, you said nothing. Don't expect someone else to do something that you can't." The doctor explained with a reprimanding gaze.  
"Trust me, I would love to tell Jim that I'm not with Spock anymore. I mean really, do you have any idea how hard it is to keep the fact that I'm dating his best friend from Jim? He has almost caught us twice already. Unfortunately, scared pants over there is terrified that if Jim knows he's single, Jim will drag him to the nearest supply closet for a BJ. I don't want to do anything to further damage his already fragile Vulcan psyche." Nyota said with an annoying glare directed clearly at him.  
Spock almost thought he heard Dr. Suarez say, "It would certainly solve a lot of my problems if he did." In the ancient Earth language of Spanish but he was not completely familiar with the language.  
"How can pants be scared?" Spock asked to defuse the tension.  
"Do you always play dumb when you're nervous?" The doctor asked.  
"Occasionally," Spock admitted begrudgingly.  
"I knew it." Nyota practically yelled.  
"I thought so." She said scribbling something into her special PADD.  
"Nyota, I was not asking why you didn't tell Jim about your single status but rather why you did not tell him that Spock was receiving his therapy letters?" The doctor clarified.  
"It wasn't my place to tell him. The only thing I could do was embarrassed the hell out of Spock so he would realize what he was doing was wrong. That has not been going so well." She explained with an exasperated sigh.  
"Yet you kept reading the letters yourself which was probably even more of an invasion of privacy because at least the letters were addressed to Spock even if it was Jim's goal for him never to see these thoughts. At the very least, they were meant for Spock to see. Maybe the real reason why you don't want your boss to know that you are reading his personal thoughts is that you completely violated his trust." Dr. Suarez accused.  
"Maybe, but I haven't read a single letter since the beginning of August." She said in her defense.  
"You and I can discuss this tomorrow during your regular session." The doctor said, practically giving up. "I need to speak to the Commander alone regarding an incident that occurred on the colony this morning."  
"Of course doctor." Nyota said with a forced smile before leaving the room.  
"Do you really need to discuss confidential mission related matters or was that an excuse to get Nyota to leave?" Spock asked her as soon as Nyota was out of the room.  
"A bit of both. We need to discuss the fact that your psychically marry to the object of your affections. I don't think you would want an audience for that conversation." The doctor said with her usual reassuring smile.  
"I think what Dr. Weston explained was more than sufficient. From what I could overhear, it seems that my brain formed a marriage bond to stabilize itself after my mother's death." Spock explained in a matter of fact tone.  
"I knew you were just pretending to be unconscious. The new bond does explain why all your emotional problems are of a human nature." The doctor quipped.  
"I think it would be more accurate to say that none of my emotional problems derived from a broken bond. It would be hasty to say all my problems derived from my human ancestry." Spock corrected.  
"I consider that statement in itself a breakthrough. You have had quite a shock today and I think you need some time to process the bond thing before we discuss it. Also, I need to do a lot of research on mental bonds if we are going to be able to have a productive discussion on this anyway. Everything Dr. Weston said went right over my head. "  
"That seems logical." Spock said, trying to get up from his hospital bed.  
"Not so fast, you cannot leave until Dr. McCoy says you can." Dr. Suarez said extending a hand to stop him.  
"You are a doctor as well. You can discharge me if you choose." Spock said trying to get up again but he was stopped once more by her hand.  
"I treat the mind not the body. That's Dr. McCoy's job. I'm pretty sure he's planning on giving you a mental health day which will give you plenty of time to do your homework."  
"What is a mental health day?" He asked, knowing full well what it was.  
"Do you really need me to answer that?" Dr. Suarez asked giving him an annoyed look.  
"No."  
"Good. You have two homework assignments. The first is for you to apologize in person to Jim for what happen yesterday. I also want you to accept his dinner invitation. At said dinner, you are to reveal one thing about yourself of a personal nature that Jim does not know." The doctor explained.  
"Do you want me to tell him about the bond?" Spock asked, dreading the answer.  
"Yes, but a good therapist knows when not to push her patients. You're not ready for that. In addition, I think it would be good that Jim knows that you are not dating Nyota before you let him know about the marriage bond. I don't think you're ready for that conversation either. We can work on that." The doctor said with another supposedly reassuring smile. He did not find it very reassuring.  
"That seems prudent." Was Spock's only comment on the matter.  
"Your other assignment is for you to read Jim's most recent therapy letter and write him a response in your therapy journal."  
"You are encouraging me to read the letter." Spock said incredulously. "You are not going to make me give him my homework assignment?" The possibility was very disconcerting to Spock.  
"He wrote it to you for a reason and if you're getting these letters, you might as well read it. However, please keep in mind how mortified you are at the thought of me either forcing you to give Jim your letter or having me do it for you." The doctor said sternly.  
"That would be a violation of doctor/patient confidentiality." Spock shot back.  
"You do realize that his letters and your therapy journal are the same thing?" She asked.  
"Yes." He finally responded after several moments of silence.  
"Good." She said with half a smile.  
"Are you going to tell him about me reading his letters?"  
"No. Anything you say in this room is confidential. I'm not going to tell him, even if you are invading his privacy. That would be hypocritical. It would be different if you were actively hacking into his computer but you're not. Although, I am going to give him a 10 pack of therapy journals. Maybe if he sticks to hard copy, this will no longer be an issue." Dr. Suarez said laughing. Spock wanted to say something about how he doubts that would be beneficial but he knew better than to interrupt the doctor. "What we are going to work on is your ability to communicate with others. You're too good at repressing how you feel. Maybe, if you two were at a point where you could tell each other this stuff in person there would be no need for special e-mails and therapy journals."  
"I repress my emotions because I was raised that way." Spock said in his defense.  
"However, to be a good leader you need to be able to express yourself to those under you. It's okay that you want to keep some things to yourself but it's not good that you can only express yourself in an explosive manner. Not only is your inability to communicate damaging your personal relationships, it could damage your work life as well."  
"How so?" Spock questioned the doctor. He did not see anything wrong with his communication skills in a professional setting.  
"In hindsight, do you really think going immediately to the board when a student cheated on the Kobayashi Maru without discussing it with the student first was the most effective way to handle the situation?"  
"We did discuss the issue." Spock defended once more.  
"Yes in front of 1000 of your peers and several Starfleet officials with vast amounts of yelling and accusatory glances. Would it not have been more logical to seek private mediation through the ombudsman's office before airing the whole incident in front of the entire student body?" She had a logical point but Spock did not want to acknowledge that.  
"What is the work related issue you wish to discuss?" He asked trying to change the subject.  
"If it wasn't for the fact that I've only had 1 hour of sleep in the last day I would never let you get away with such an obvious subject change. The reason why I was not here this morning was a patient of mine swallowed two bottles of anti-depressants and chased it down with a box of champagne truffles because he rather be dead than I quote, 'suffer the fires of Pon Farr with someone other than my T'Jay', yesterday." Spock could not decide what he found more disconcerting, that of fellow Vulcan tried to end his life or that he actually mentioned Pon Farr to a non-Vulcan. His mother was probably one of the few humans that knew about it and that was only because she had to endure it. (The thought of his parents having sex made him slightly nauseous.)  
"Why was Dr. Weston not called in?" He asked. Surely, a Vulcan mind healer would be more qualified. Although, his personal experiences with the doctor made Spock question those qualifications.  
"Because he is my patient and he didn't want another Vulcan to see his shame. Although, it would have been helpful if he would actually tell me what Pon Farr is." She said with annoyance.  
"He did not tell you?"  
"No, because it's not something talked about to outsiders. Even though I am trying to help him, he still feels that it's not logical to disclose this information to his doctor trying to save him from himself. Dr. Weston told me that it is a biological condition that occurs in 80% of the Vulcan population both male and female and that it occurs in a seven year cycle. However, the condition occurs in 99% of male Vulcans and only 61% of female Vulcans. I'm pretty sure 'biological condition' is medical code for sex, but I'm not entirely sure. I also think it has something to do with bonding and as we discussed earlier, I'm still a little shaky on the Vulcan concept. I know that your accidental bonding with James provided mental stability. If I don't know what Pon Farrr entails, I can't help my patients. I need your help." She asked with a sad expression.  
"You want me to explain it to you?" Spock asked with one eyebrow raised. This was unheard of.  
"I need to know why my patient swallowed a bottle of pills and you are the only individual of Vulcan ancestry that can explain things in a way that my human mind can understand. You know I have a legitimate need to know. I might be able to figure out the bond thing from books but considering the P word is so clad in secrecy, I doubt there will be anything useful in writing. For me to help my patients on the colony, I need to understand how these two things impact those in my care." She said sincerely.  
"Your patient is suicidal because his lover died, not because of Pon Farr. A broken bond may be a contributing factor. However, in all seriousness death would be imminent if his new partner is unsuitable. The pills would just be a more humane wait to die." Spock explained still uncomfortable discussing this with the doctor but his rational mind knew that if they were to survive as a species the code of secrecy must be modified to allow professionals like Dr. Suarez assist those in need.  
"So I am assuming that my assumption that this involve sex was correct. Are you saying that most Vulcans go through a medical condition where they have to have sex or die every seven years?" She asked incredulously.  
"It is more complicated than that. Also the time between cycles can vary." He added.  
"I'm beginning to see that." Was the only thing the doctor said.  
"Do you remember our earlier discussion regarding my father's desperate search to find a new bond mate for me?" Spock asked her.  
"Vividly. I also remember some conversations about how much you despise the thought of being bonded to T'Pring but you said you had no choice. Was this because of Pon Farrr?"  
That's when Spock explained everything to her although not without securing her promise to keep this knowledge to herself and to not let anybody know that he told her. It almost felt like he was reciting his first sex talk with his father. Dr. Suarez said he looked as green as an apple when he was done with that part of the conversation. The discussion on mental bonds was slightly more comfortable; although, he did share his hypothesis that he has been sharing dreams with James since at least June. The green color of his cheeks led Dr. Suarez to learn of the true nature of these dreams, even if he tried to avoid telling her this.  
"Okay, now I understand why your father was so insistent on you finding a new bond mate. It wasn't him just being overly controlling, he was worried about you dying." She remarked as she scribbled something in her special PADD again.  
"I am not sure of that. I think he is more concerned with me surviving, so that I may carry on the family name." Spock told her cynically.  
"You never know. You should ask him. Again, I think a lot of your problems could be solved if you just talk to people instead of just assuming that they feel a certain way. You may be surprised at what you find." The doctor said, getting up from her seat by his bedside.  
"I have another patient to check up on in the newly christened medical center. Will you be okay?" She asked with a smile.  
"Of course doctor." Spock said even if he felt less than optimal.  
"I will see you after your pizza date with Jim." She said before leaving.  
A few minutes later Dr. McCoy came in to scream at Spock about his accidental marriage and the fact that he was still reading Jim's personal thoughts. He was only mollified by slightly by the fact that Spock was not doing this intentionally. Dr. McCoy was kind enough to bring Spock his PADD. However, he refused to let him return to his own personal quarters. He was being held for 'observations'. Spock felt he was being held so that doctor may reprimand him as much as possible about the situation.  
He only stopped when a member of the security team was brought in after an incident in which a power tool severed his right hand. Spock is ashamed that he was actually happy about the incident because it meant that Dr. McCoy would be otherwise occupied even if it meant Spock would be filling out an accident report and arranging for another safety seminar for Starfleet personnel assisting with construction activities.  
Now that he was alone, he finally had time to read through the remaining two letters. He also thought it would be best to pen his response immediately after reading each letter to prevent procrastination. The fact that he would have to write a response made him slightly uncomfortable but not enough to overcome his desire to know what James wrote him.  
If it was not for the last few lines of the first letter Spock would think it was just part of the collection of emails he received earlier. The timestamps told him nothing. Thanks to the server being nonfunctional for most of the morning it was obvious that the e-mails were coming out of sequence with peculiar timestamps. However, Spock knew that Jim was not comfortable discussing Frank in any context. Comparing himself to his stepfather would not be something that James would put in a normal e-mail. Denying that he loved Spock seems much more likely to come in an e-mail that Spock is supposed to see. James actually wrote something similar in one of the e-mails that he intended to send Spock; although, he use the term crush instead of love. After reading the letter three times, he finally started to write his response.  
________________________________________  
Replied to e-mail "subject: I really thought we were passed the arguing thing"  
Dear James,  
I also thought that we have come to a point in our relationship that we can communicate without resorting to physical violence or raised voices. My hypothesis was incorrect. This failure to communicate is most likely my fault, though marginally so, and therefore I must apologize for this.  
I was unaware that you almost punched me. In retrospect, I could sense your deep frustration and anger regarding the confrontation. Although, I know very little about your stepfather, I can say that you are nothing like him. I doubt that he would ever be ashamed of displaying violence or hatred. I doubt that he would have left a potentially volatile situation voluntarily. I also sincerely doubt that he would apologize. You did not have to say the words 'I'm sorry' in this letter because I know that you are. (Although, the subsequent e-mails adequately conveyed your contrition.)  
As stated earlier, the argument was not solely your fault. According to Dr. Suarez, I have communications issues, (not that she was very clear on what those communications issues involve). Years of suppressing my feelings have made it difficult for me to verbalize said feelings as well as discuss anything else in a rational matter. Yes, I am seeing Dr. Suarez to deal with various issues including my overbearing father and my mother's death.  
This morning I worked with Dr. Weston instead; we discussed the prejudice that I have encountered from individuals like Stonn. In the figurative sense, I also consider him an asshole. He has spent a vast amount of my childhood ridiculing me for my human heritage. Apparently, the Vulcan philosophy of IDIC is merely rhetoric to somebody like him. Dr. Weston believes such insults are triggered by jealousy and inferior intelligence. Considering I had the highest grades in my age group and that was usually the focus of most insults, I believe her hypothesis is plausible.  
I cannot help but think that your statement about love was a Freudian slip. Despite your denial, I hope that you do love me, because I love you.  
Yours,  
Spock  
________________________________________  
Spock almost redacted the last part of the letter but he knew that Dr. Suarez was already aware of his feelings for James and it would defeat the purpose of the exercise to censor the document.  
He thought about trying to tell James about the accidental marriage bond in that letter but he couldn't bring himself to do it even though he was fully aware James would never see it (he hoped). If he cannot even tell James in a letter that he will never receive about the circumstances, how will he ever be able to do so in person?  
There was no doubt in his mind that the final letter was another one of those letters that he was not supposed to read. If the subject line alone did not tell him this, the several lines about his disintegrating relationship with Nyota would have. Jim was right, that relationship was disintegrating. Making her keep her relationship with Leonard a secret was putting a strain on their friendship.  
Just like not telling Jim about the prejudice that he has suffered at the hands of his Vulcan peers has put a strain on their friendship. Not being open with him about the changes in his relationship with Nyota was another strain. Those omissions led to yesterday's argument. He knows he needs to apologize to both Jim and Nyota but he is not sure how.  
He was not even sure how to apologize to Jim in his response to the second letter. Multiple drafts were discarded as being too incoherent or rambling. Should he begin with an apology or with telling James that he has no desire for him to engage in sexual relations with somebody else? Should he tell Jim that he actually loves him? Should he explain that he is no longer with his ex-girlfriend or why he did not tell Jim about his adolescent bully? Should it be this hard to write a letter that he never intended to send? Spock wasn't sure how to start this letter.  
After six fruitless attempts, he decided to try writing Jim an e-mail that he really would read soon. Also, due to the efficiency of the Enterprise rumor mill it would be best if Jim finds out he is in sick bay from Spock directly. Of course, he would lie about the real reason he was incapacitated, an allergic reaction to the mystery bowl of candies that Dr. Suarez keeps in her office for patients seemed a plausible reason.  
________________________________________  
From: SpockX  
To: KirkJT  
Subject: I apologize for my delayed response  
Due to a combination of loss of internal e-mail capabilities and suffering an allergic reaction due to a piece of candy from Dr. Suarez's candy jar, I was unable to respond in a timely manner. I apologize for the distress that my delay caused.  
I am currently in good health, despite the incident in Dr. Suarez's office; although, I did lose consciousness temporarily. Despite suffering no long-term consequences, Dr. McCoy feels that I must stay in sick bay. This has provided me with an opportunity to catch up on all necessary correspondence, if nothing else.  
You are not the only one who needs to apologize for yesterday's altercation, I was also at fault. My failure to communicate my emotions was a major contributing factor to this. I am currently working with Dr. Suarez to rectify this problem. Yes, I am seeing her in a professional capacity. Receiving psychological help or therapy is seen as shameful in Vulcan society and therefore, I felt uncomfortable letting you know. It is illogical for me to feel shame at such a thing if you were also seeing Dr. Suarez in a professional capacity.  
I have never felt comfortable discussing how my peers treated me. When I was younger, I used to tell my mother about their treatment but she became so distressed that I stopped. I will try to discuss such things with you in the future, especially if such treatment impacts a mission.  
You are my friend and I should discuss things of a personal nature with you. Nyota and I are going through a transition in our relationship. At this time, I am not ready to discuss what that transition is, but when I am ready I will tell you.  
I am agreeable to dinner tomorrow night. My favorite pizza is spinach and artichoke. Also Nyota said that I needed to watch something refer to as the Muppet Show.  
________________________________________  
After actually sending this message to Jim Spock knew what to write in his therapy letter.  
________________________________________  
Response to: I'm not sure if I love you  
Dear James,  
Much like you, I have trouble understanding the concept of love. At least I had an opportunity to see love in action, if not hear the words. You were not as fortunate. I know my father loved my mother even if he said otherwise. I saw that love in the way he treated her.  
I hope what you feel is love. I know that is how I feel about you, even if I cannot say the words yet. I do not think I was ever taught how to say I love you. There are several things I am unable to tell you. However, I will make an effort to tell you these things.  
Even if I never heard the words growing up, I know that I am in love with you because I find arguing with few highly unpleasant. The thought of you engaging in sexual relations with anyone else makes me sick. You are mine in mind, if not body yet. (At some Point, I will need to explain how you helped my mind to stabilize after my mother's death. However, that is a conversation for another time.) The thought of someone else touching you makes me channel the emotions of my pre-reform ancestors and I wish to tear this individual into tiny pieces. I find great pleasure in the fact that you find me sexually attractive. I want to share everything with you even if I am not able to. I am seeing a human psychologist just so I can get to the point where I can speak to you openly. I am seeing Dr. Suarez more for your benefit than mine.  
I never saw myself living the 'white picket fence dream' with Nyota or my former intended. I can see myself living a variation of that with you. Although, I am sure joint living quarters will be involved rather than a cottage on a planet somewhere in the galaxy. Children will also have to be adopted or genetically engineered, but I could see myself raising children with you. However, I do not think it is possible to have a fraction of a child. How does somebody have a 0.7 child? Is that just a general statistic?  
Do not feel bad about using my suppose relationship with Nyota as an excuse to avoid your feelings for me. I think I have been using the existence of the fake relationship to avoid my feelings for you as well. I promise you that I will take steps to stop doing this. When I am ready, I will let you in. I will share my secrets with you. I will tell you that I love you. I promise.  
Yours,  
Spock  
________________________________________  
Just as Spock wrote down the last word, he heard the sound of a door opening and saw James pop into his room with Dr. McCoy following behind him. Spock had just enough time to close the journal and place it on his night stand hoping that Jim would not see what he wrote.  
"If somebody passes out on my ship, I want to know about it from you not some ensign who heard about the whole thing from the Enterprise rumor mill, especially if it's my First Officer." James yelled at Dr. McCoy before turning his attention back to Spock.  
"As I stated in my e-mail to you it was a simple allergic reaction to a piece of candy that Dr. Suarez keeps on her desk for patients. There was no need for you to be informed. I told the doctor not to tell you." Spock explained, trying to placate him.  
"From personal experience, any allergic reaction involving loss of consciousness is not a good thing." Jim said with concern.  
"He was sedated, not unconscious." Dr. McCoy lied. "As an expert in allergic reactions you should know that's common."  
"Are you okay?" James asked with a worried expression.  
"I am acceptable under the circumstances. However, I would like to return to active duty."  
"No. Although, I may be willing to let you return to your own quarters if you behave." Dr. McCoy said in annoyance.  
"Very well," he said in acquiescence before the doctor left at Jim's request.  
"Since you sent me a response that I have yet to read, I assumed that you read my e-mail about yesterday?" Jim asked once they were alone.  
"Yes, I accept your apology. Also, I do not think you are anything like your stepfather." As soon as he said the words, Spock realized his mistake. He referenced something from the special letters.  
"Fuck! You read that letter." Jim said that as a statement, not a question. Spock nodded his head in agreement. "I swore I put that in the do not send folder. Never should have written anything when drinking." Jim mumbled under his breath before saying various other curse words. This was not how he wanted James to find out about this.  
"You didn't receive any other strangely title e-mails from me?" James asked with a slightly panicked look once he calmed down slightly.  
"There was one titled ' Yes, I am a prick, but so are you'." Spock said purposely not mentioning the title of the letter he was not supposed to receive.  
"Oh, thank god. No more drunk e-mailing." James mumbled in relief before continuing.  
"Since you have one of Dr. Suarez's handy dandy therapy journals I assume you're familiar with the concept of writing down your feelings to help work through problems. She may have even asked you to do it in the form of a letter to someone else."  
"So far I have written several interesting letters to my father that I never intend for him to see." Spock responded quickly.  
"I could see that. I was really upset with you after the argument and that's how I deal with yesterday instead of yelling at you again or breaking furniture. I really did not mean for you to see that letter. I guess I accidentally hit send instead of save. Then again, maybe I just breathed on the microphone at the wrong moment. The server has been so screwed up today, who knows. It wouldn't be the first time." Jim grumbled.  
"I understand that, although I found reading the letter highly beneficial. Yesterday's incident was as much my fault as yours. I would not mind receiving such letters in the future. Although, it may be best if you utilize one of Dr. Suarez's therapy journals." Spock suggested, even though it was extremely hard for him to say the words. He looked forward to reading the emails but he no longer wished to invade James' privacy.  
"That may be a good idea." Jim said nervously.  
"Where are we planning to make this pizza tomorrow night?" Spock asked trying to find more neutral ground.  
"The kitchens of course. You still want to have dinner with me even after you read that letter?" He asked incredulously.  
"Of course."  
"Tomorrow at seven it is. Now let me see if I can get you out of here." Jim said with a smile that made Spock come alive.  
"Thank you." Spock replied almost tempted to smile back.  
To be continued


	28. Beautiful chapter 16: Conversations with my Therapist

Beautiful chapter 16: Conversations with my Therapist

“So how was your pizza date with your Jim?” Dr. Suarez asked Spock the moment he walked into her office.

He was not even entirely sure that the door closed itself before the words were out of her mouth. She was almost as bad as Nyota, who accosted him as soon as he returned to his quarters, despite the fact that he returned to his room well after midnight. (He still doesn't know how she knew he was back.)

His date with James was wonderful. Even that adjective cannot accurately describe everything. The conversation was ~~fascinating~~ enthralling. They were not interrupted once by some pending disaster in engineering or by a member of the security team shooting themself in the foot. (This actually did happen once.) The pizza was excellent despite the fact that Spock usually does not like this particular food. James is an excellent chef.

More importantly, James explained how he became such an expert in cooking.

“When Winona came back from the mission where she picked up Kevin, she started drinking a lot. Before it was just the occasional beer or maybe a glass of wine with dinner. After she came back it would be so much that sometimes she wouldn’t wake up for hours. She would also forget to do basic things like pick up Kevin from school, get groceries, or make dinner. Being the big brother, I had to be the responsible one. That was what Sam did before. Kevin freaked out when he didn’t get regular meals because something like that happened before he came to live with us. Therefore, I learned to cook,” Jim explained. This must be part of his effort to be more open with Spock as he suggested in his letter. The effort was appreciated.

“Did he suffer periods of starvation or mistreatment before he was in your mother’s care? This may explain why he experienced apprehension when meals were not regular,” Spock asked before he could censor his curiosity. He already knew that was most likely the case from what he had read in the uncensored Tarsus files. He was expecting to be yelled at, but James surprised him.

“I think so. The mission where mom found him was Tarsus. She doesn't talk about it, but a lot of what happened is public record. Not a lot of it was good. I can only imagine what was redacted for security reasons." This was more honest than Spock expected. He was filled with joy at this and saw it as a turning point.

“I am familiar with the incident. The events are covered in the command curriculum.” Of course, Winona Kirk’s role in the assassination of the governor was redacted from the official account, most likely for security reasons as Jim suspected. Spock did not mention any of the other reasons that he knows this. He also tried hard not to visualize the description of Winona Kirk’s body after surviving months of sexual assault. Unlike Jim, at least Spock understood why Winona most likely found solace in Earth alcohol.

“I know,” Jim said as he started looking through the cooling unit used to keep ‘fresh’ foods in stasis when available. Usually, the only time the kitchen was used in a ship like this was for diplomatic receptions. “Pike got me exempted from the lecture, mostly because I threw up reading about it in my textbook. That’s where my—Sam died during the incident,” Jim said, choking on the words as he spoke. Sam had been gone for many years; yet speaking about his death was still difficult for Jim. Spock wondered if he would always have the same trouble with discussing his mother.

“There’s the cheese,” Jim said, holding up a block of what appeared to be Parmesan. Apparently, this was Jim’s way of redirecting the conversation.

“Would it make you feel better to know that I was severely nauseous during the dictation of my report regarding the battle of Vulcan?” Spock told him, omitting the fact that the nausea was a direct result of the broken bond with his mother. Despite having had 34 hours to process information about the bonding, he was not ready to discuss it.

“Actually, it does. It’s good to know that you’re not completely perfect. It gives me hope,” Jim said as his eyes locked with Spock’s for a moment before moving away quickly. “Do you think this kitchen will actually have a mandolin?”

“What is a mandolin?" Spock asked.

“Food slicer,” Jim said, giving him a slightly bemused look before searching the cabinetry.

“Enterprise has a fully stocked kitchen. There are also two culinary specialists assigned to the ship for when we host diplomatic dinners, as you well know. I am sure that they would require the use of a mechanical device to slice vegetables,” Spock replied, nonplussed.

“Those culinary experts were cooling their heels in your science department until they at least got to use their cooking skills in the refugee soup kitchen after we landed here. We actually need to have a diplomatic mission before they can use their skills,” Jim said with irritation.

“This current mission is allowing both to use their skills adequately. The refugee soup kitchen, as you refer to it, serves more than just soup,” Spock replied.

“Sorry. I could not find fresh artichokes, so replicated will have to do. As I learned in my childhood, sometimes you just have to make do,” Jim said, gathering more ingredients from various locations. Apparently this was another subject change prompt.

“That is acceptable,” Spock said before being given the task of slicing the vegetables. They continued conversing as they prepared the pizza. James shared several more anecdotes about cooking with both of his brothers. Apparently, Frank also forgot to cook on multiple occasions and it was Sam's duty as the older brother to provide.

The best thing discussed during the night was Starfleet accepting Jim's request for shore leave once this mission was completed. All construction projects were currently three weeks ahead of schedule, allowing for the second group of refugees to arrive a full month earlier than planned. Starfleet was impressed with their progress on the colony and chose to reward Enterprise.

“Hey Spock, please return to the session,” he heard Dr. Suarez’s voice say as she waved a hand in front of him.

“I apologize. My mind went elsewhere,” he said in response as he blinked.

“I would say so. You didn’t respond to me for a full three minutes. I thought I was going to have to call Dr. McCoy again.”

“I was lost in thought.” This response was somewhat truthful.

“More like deep meditation,” Dr. Suarez scoffed. “Were these thoughts about Jim?”

“Perhaps,” was Spock’s only response.

“Good, I need details,” the doctor requested as she pulled out her notepad PADD.

“You remind me of Nyota at this moment. She interrogated me for a full 30 minutes after the date,” Spock explained. The doctor just put her head in her hands for a moment.

“Yes, but I want details so that I can help you. I assume that because you are displaying the Vulcan equivalent of a smile, that things went well that night?” Spock was not smiling, he was just satisfied at the moment.

“It was adequate,” Spock responded calmly.

“I need more than that. Was there kissing? Does he know that you like like him? God, I feel like I’m in junior high again for just saying that.” Dr. Suarez mumbled that last part under her breath.

“Many of the things we discussed during our dinner are quite private. I do not want to violate his trust,” Spock said as an excuse. There was no way he would tell her about almost kissing Jim the human way twice during their dinner. They actually did kiss the Vulcan way 97 times during the course of the evening. Of course, cooking was conducive to Vulcan kissing. He would never tell Jim that it was culturally taboo to prepare food or eat directly with one’s hands.

The first almost human kiss occurred in the kitchen. There was something quite irresistible about Jim in an apron. However, the moment was interrupted by Mr. Scott coming into the kitchen for reasons unknown, even though the cafeteria was still open. Mr. Scott's kitchen privileges have since been revoked.

The second time was after they went back to Jim’s quarters to watch the first season of The Muppet Show. Despite having a full living room for entertainment, they chose to watch the files in James’ bedroom. Their mouths were just millimeters apart when an explosion on screen caused the two to break apart. Shortly after that, James came up with some thinly veiled excuse about needing to check on something in engineering. There was no way that he would ever tell Dr. Suarez any of this. The look that he is receiving from her tells him that she is not buying his excuse.

“I can understand that. Chances are I probably know most of this stuff already. Nevertheless, I’m proud of you for valuing Jim’s trust.” The doctor said, smiling. It felt good to have someone say that they were proud of him. He really had not heard that since he told his mother of his selection to be the First Officer of the Enterprise at 28, making him the youngest to attain that position in a non-acting capacity. (James went directly from cadet to captain, therefore Spock still holds this record.)

 

“From what I have gathered from you and e-mails from Jim, you were the wife of Jim’s therapists who died, and you treated Winona for her alcoholism that resulted from Tarsus. Therefore, you most likely know the most confidential things that Jim could have told me,” Spock explained.

“I cannot discuss the treatment of another patient, even a former patient. Although, I will confirm that I am a widow and my wife did work with Jim as a child. She was hit by a drunk driver in a vintage white van crossing the street to get some milk. I think the fact that I have gone through a substantial loss like that helps me to understand what you are going through, even if it is not the same situation. I get the guilt that you’re feeling regarding Amanda’s death. Sometimes, I still feel guilty because I was the one who asked her to get the milk,” she said with sadness in her voice.

“It was impossible for you to have known that your wife would be hit that day. Guilt is illogical in this setting,” Spock told the doctor.

“You could not have predicted that the planet of your childhood would implode due to circumstances that are beyond my security clearance to know,” she explained. Her statement also told Spock that she did not believe the version of events that were fed to the public.

“Your argument is logical,” was Spock’s standard response when he was not sure how to respond.

 

“Now if you want to know why Jim was working with my wife as a child, you are going to have to talk to him, which I encourage wholeheartedly. I encourage any communication between you and Jim. Real communication, not whatever you have been doing for the last few months. Although, the fact that Jim told you that Winona is an alcoholic, albeit one in recovery, is a step forward,” the doctor said before pausing. “He did actually tell you this intentionally, or did you find out because of a cosmic computer glitch?”

“He did so last night, although I already knew from the letters.” She seemed almost disappointed at that moment.

“This is another reason why I absolutely despise computers,” the doctor mumbled under breath. “How did your homework assignment go?”

“I would prefer not to read my exact response to his letter at this time, although it was cathartic,” Spock explained.

“That’s okay because I would prefer to know as little as possible about the content of those letters,” the doctor mumbled again. “I meant the homework assignment where you tell Jim one thing about yourself during your pizza date. We will talk about the letters later.” Spock was dreading that and hoped for a mishap in engineering or another incident with the security staff.

“I told him about becoming physically ill when writing the report regarding the destruction of Vulcan.”

“That’s good. What happened?” The doctor asked with concern.

“However, I failed to mention that this illness was caused by the broken psychic bond. I also failed to mention that our impromptu bonding helped repair this damage. I am disappointed in myself for not recognizing the symptoms of a broken bond immediately,” Spock explained.

“We have to work on you developing realistic expectations for yourself. Considering what was going on at the time, you probably would have missed somebody shooting you point blank with a phaser. I think I would hold off on telling him about the bonding for a while. At least, until he knows that you are available. Does he know that you’re available yet?” She asked, almost hopeful.

“No, although I did tell him that Nyota was spending the evening in Dr. McCoy’s company. I also told him that we were going through a transition in our relationship. Nyota is convinced that the only way for Jim to realize we are no longer together is for her to 'make out' with Dr. McCoy in front of him.”

“So basically you have told him that you’re no longer with her without actually using the word 'break up', yet he is completely convinced you’re still with her, even though she is seeing someone else and he knows that?” The doctor asked with obvious disbelief.

“According to Dr. McCoy, nobody does denial like Jim Kirk. Of course, Nyota argued that this applies more to me.” This comment came out during Nyota’s post date interrogation.

“I think they’re both right.” The doctor quipped.

“I only agree with Dr. McCoy, and only because of the incident that occurred 3.8 days previously.”

“That would have been right after we last spoke. What happened?” That’s when Spock told the doctor about accidentally revealing a piece of information that he could only have found in one of Jim’s letters. Also during this time, Spock gave her a summary of the letters and what he wrote back. Although, he left out certain incriminating things.

“So he finds out that you read one of his therapy letters, and instead of realizing that he’s sending them automatically, he blames it on drunk emailing?” She asked with her mouth wide open.

“That is an accurate synopsis of the situation.” That was when the doctor put her head in her hands and stayed silent for several moments before murmuring, “Just focus on one patient at a time.”

“Jim’s denial is an entirely different issue. That is something he is going to need to work on, but right now we’re going to focus on you. Now if you would like me to mediate a couple’s therapy session, I can do that. Actually, I recommend doing that. Maybe it would be easier for you to speak to Jim about certain things with me in the room.” The very thought of it was unnerving to Spock.

“Maybe at some point in the future, but not at this present time,” Spock said, dreading the possibility. He was not sure if he was ready for that type of emotional intimacy.

“I can accept that if you can give me your plan to let Jim know that you are no longer with Nyota.” Spock was not sure how to accomplish this, although at this point he knew he had to. Usually, when he had an unpleasant task that he must complete, he would give himself a deadline. He explained his idea to the doctor.

“I think that is a good idea, but only if you give yourself a reasonable deadline and take action to meet that deadline. It won’t do any good if you plan to tell him in the next two years,” she said sardonically.

“We have just received word from Starfleet that due to our exceptional work on the colony; Enterprise will be receiving a five-day shore leave at the completion of this mission, before being asked to assist in unilateral negotiations between still unnamed planets. I feel it would be best to tell Jim before the end of shore leave.” The doctor smiled, most likely happy to find out that they are going to have a vacation soon.

“I like that idea, and maybe a change of environment will help. Now you just need to figure out how you’re going to work up to that.”

“Of course,” Spock said, having no idea how to do this. Maybe trying out various scenarios in the dream world would help.

“I suggest more dates like the one you just had.”

“I agree,” Spock said quickly, wanting to spend as much time with Jim as possible.

"I knew you would. I want us to cut down to once a week for a little while.”

“We still have much to work on, including my relationship with my father and my guilt over my mother’s death,” Spock said, worrying about meeting with the doctor less frequently.

“We will work on that; however my superior officer asked me to schedule your therapy sessions at different times so that you and he can have breakfast together. Since spending time with Jim is good for you, I want you to have more time for that.”

“Of course,” Spock responded, secretly pleased with Jim’s request.

“That doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have you doing homework assignments in the interim. Your big assignment is going to be for you to keep a daily journal.” If he were human, his mouth would have opened in shock.

“What is the purpose of this activity?” Spock asked, already not wanting to do this assignment.

“I have been doing a lot of research on bonding, and I have realized that there’s really very little about the emotions involved in it. Most of the journal articles focus on chemical reactions and the neurological aspects of it that will require me to get a Ph.D. in neuroscience to comprehend." He was tempted to make comment about having this training, but chose not to.

 

"I think we need to rectify this problem by documenting every aspect of it. I want you to write about your dreams that you have been sharing with Jim, as well as what you think when you go to dinner with him. I want everything.” At this moment Spock was just happy that she did not ask about said dreams. Last night's involved a version of events where Mr. Scott did not come into the kitchen to interrupt their kiss, and things proceeded as they should have, resulting in the couple engaging in intercourse on the stainless steel table. Considering the fact that he and Jim were really meeting in their minds, could it really be considered a dream? He had no desire to discuss this with his doctor. He had no desire to write this down either, but he could always avoid mentioning specifics.

“You want me to conduct a scientific study on my own bonding?” He asked, trying to redirect the conversation.

“If that’s how you need to think of it, but I don't want this to be purely empirical. Write about how Jim makes you feel. Write about how you feel.”

“I will try,” Spock said, not wanting to put any of this information in writing.

“Good, now let’s talk about your favorite bully,” the doctor said, moving on.

“How can someone have a favorite bully?” Spock asked for clarification.

“It’s an expression. How have things been going with Stonn?” She clarified.

“I have so far resisted the urge to break his nose when we were forced to interact.”

“That’s a start. We have 30 minutes. Let’s talk about your interactions with your fellow Vulcans.” Much to Spock’s dismay, there were no emergencies to prevent this particular conversation. Maybe less therapy will be a good thing.

To be continued


	29. Excerpts from the therapy journal of [inkblot obscuring name] Spock

 

October 5, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

I am still not comfortable writing in this journal or expressing my emotions in general. The other activity where I wrote to an actual person even without the intent of that individual ever seeing what I wrote was much more tolerable. Maybe, it was more acceptable because I had James example or my mother’s example. Maybe, it was because it was to Jim. Maybe it was because I knew that if James or my mother did something like that maybe it was not so strange to do the same. I thought that by starting every entry with dear therapy journal this exercise may be a little easier to do. I am uncertain if this will help.

I am still uncomfortable putting down everything related to my bond with James in writing. As a scientist, I understand it is necessary to document the process and yet the human part of me finds the thought of something so personal being reduced to a mere science experiment disconcerting. I originally tried to do this Journal in a highly empirical manner. Dr. Suarez has asked me to rewrite my initial entry, despite the fact that I argued it was important to also document all pertinent medical data regarding the bond. Especially in light of the insufficient data on Vulcan marriage bonds in general let alone those of an accidental nature.

The compromise is that we will chronicle the more scientific/medical aspects of the bonding experience with the aid of Dr. McCoy anonymously as with any other case study. This journal will be solely for the more personal aspects of my bond and my experiences in general. I am still not sure I can do this. The thought of chronicling things like my reaction to Jim’s emotions and our most likely shared dreams fills me with dread. I am almost tempted to write this journal in old Vulcan so no one else except for possibly Nyota will be able to read it.

I will write more once I return from my date with James. We are supposed to watch season two of the Muppets. I am looking forward to this. Part of me would like to actually kiss him in the human fashion but I know I am not ready. We almost kissed again yesterday during breakfast in James’ quarters but he pulled away abruptly much to my disappointment.

XXX

October 6, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

I apologize for not writing as soon as I returned from my most recent date with James. Unfortunately, there was an incident in engineering that needed my immediate attention. Mr. Scott's most recent attempt to create the perfect sandwich has resulted in several thousand credits of property damage to the Engineering Department. My only consolation is that this happened after my date with James ended. I have made a mental note to talk to Dr. Suarez about the lieutenant's obsession with food during our next session.

The date itself was above adequate and more than enjoyable. James created a grilled eggplant dish from scratch or as close to scratch as he could under the circumstances. It was most delicious. We then went to James’ quarters to watch the second season of the Muppet show. James made several snide comments about some ridiculous repeating sketch about pigs in space. I do not know if I should find how 20th century humans envisioned future space travel as disturbing or amusing. James told me that "a certain Southern doctor that will remain nameless" said that Jim acted like the captain character. James found that offensive. I agreed because the captain character in the skit was highly shallow and incompetent. James is neither of these things despite common perception.

At some point, I told James about how much my mother loved the work of Jim Henson and that we spent a lot of time watching various Muppet related things when I was a child. James just grabbed my hand and held it for the remainder of the evening. I chose not to tell him that such a gesture is most likely the Vulcan equivalent to the human third-base. (Nyota explained what those bases were during our ill-fated courtship.) There were a few near human kisses but James pulled away every time before anything could happen.

Jim told me about doing the same thing with his brother when they were kids. According to James, this only happened when Frank was completely incapacitated due to his alcoholism or he was visiting one of his "special friends". Considering the way Jim said the word friend I believe that Frank was having an improper relationship with these women. James is still highly uncomfortable talking about his former stepfather in my presence. He also told me that he misses just sitting down and watching a movie with his brother. Actually, Jim missed doing all sorts of things with Sam. I told him that I feel the same way. I miss just doing little things with my mother like watching a movie together or calling her. If she was alive I would be telling her about my date with Jim, instead of writing in this journal. I could have gone to her for advice about Jim, now I only have my therapist and Nyota. Maybe if my mother was still alive I wouldn't be feeling so...I cannot even articulate it in words.

I miss my mother. I doubt my father would be interested in such events. I sometimes wonder if my father is interested in me at all. Our relationship is still strained at best. I am to meet with him in a few days time for dinner. I am still debating if I should tell him about the bond or not. Maybe I should wait until I have time to do more research on this. I will ask Dr. Suarez for the links to the journal articles she has been reviewing on Vulcan bonding at our session.

XXX

 

October 8, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

Today's meeting with Dr. Suarez was most productive. She agreed to see Mr. Scott in a professional capacity regarding his obsession with food. She was happy that my most recent date with James went well. She also laughed a lot when I told her about the hand holding and how James was completely unaware of the significance. She mentioned something about the need for better cultural sensitivity classes and giving Jim the copy of what she refers to as the ‘how not to accidentally sexually harass a Vulcan” guide that she got when she went to study on the planet years ago.

She also gave me several journal articles to read. Because of the need to go through these articles, I was unable to do another movie night with James much to my personal displeasure. He understood but he seems quite disappointed. Actually, I could sense his disappointment and frustration. I have never encountered such intense emotions before without physical contact. When James was happy, these emotions were comforting, but it was overwhelming when James was feeling something much less pleasant. In light of this, I have decided to focus my research on everything related to the exchange of emotions between bondmates. I hope to find something useful.

XXX

October 10, 2228

Dear Therapy Journal:

I now understand why Dr. Suarez wanted to document the bond between myself and James so fully. Previous research seems to be lacking.

After reading much of the literature available on mental bonding, I realize that this is an area that has never truly been studied. After two days, I have read every single article written in the last 300 years related to bonding and I have not found one mention of exchanging emotions telepathically or having an increased awareness of your partner’s mental state. Everything is purely analytical. I have come no closer to understanding why I can feel James frustration when he is several kilometers away.

For example, yesterday when I was in a council meeting I could feel James become highly agitated. I found out after the fact his irritation was caused by an encounter with Stonn that was less than ideal. I do not know the details and no one who was there with the captain is willing to share. James would not tell me anything about this encounter except that he really does not like this particular Vulcan at all. There were several more expletives used but that was essentially the comment.

I am left wondering if this connection allows James to experience my emotions as well. I was highly frustrated this morning after my most recent encounter with Nyota. She has become increasingly upset about the need to hide her relationship with Dr. McCoy. She is mostly upset about the fact that because I have yet to tell James, she cannot share a hotel room with the doctor during shore leave. Her annoyance lessened when I offered to pay for a suite for her and the doctor, as well as a private room for Christine who agreed to function as cover at a different hotel from where most of the crew is staying.

Unfortunately, for her to agree to do this I had to have lunch with Nurse Chapel. Her advances did not stop until I told her that I have recently come to terms with the fact that I am attracted to men. I conveniently left out that I still find some women like Nyota aesthetically pleasing. For the purposes of ending her sexual advances, I felt it was best to mislead her slightly. I could not tell her that I wish for her to stop coming on to me because I already have a bond mate. I am not ready to disclose that type of information to her.

Unlike a certain Vulcan that I had the misfortune of meeting, I believe that the type of bond I have with James requires sexual and emotional monogamy (at least, now that I am aware of it). I cannot prove this hypothesis because again the literature is lacking. As a scientist, I find this highly frustrating and counterproductive. Why did my forefathers not see the need to keep accurate documentation? Why are we so ashamed of our normal biological processes? I remember that most of the material I received from my parents about sex came from earth.

I also cannot find any information about whether it is normal to share dreams of a sexual nature. I am very concerned about this. It would be comforting to know that the sexual nature of the dreams is a side effect of the bond and not because of some subconscious part of my or James' psyche that craves things of such a carnal nature. Last night’s dream involved a picnic lunch in one of the caves outside the new Vulcan settlement. After confessing our love for one another, James pushed me down onto the blanket scattering the food everywhere. Moments later our clothing was gone and I was inside of James. I wish not to comment on the fact that chocolate syrup may or may not have been used as a lubricant.

Dr. Suarez said during our last session that I should focus on the fact that I have completely open communication with James in the dreams, instead of the sexual nature of it. Apparently, it's perfectly normal for a human my age to have sexual fantasies when they have not engaged in sexual intercourse on a regular basis for some time. It is strange to be judged by human norms rather than Vulcan. Yet, a part of me is thankful for this.

XXX

October 13, 2228

Dear Therapy Journal:

Due to the lack of information about bonding, I chose to speak to my father truthfully about a marriage bond between me and James. Much to my personal shock, my father was not surprised about the unintentional bonding. It seems that what Dr. Weston said about when the last time the spontaneous bond occurred was not accurate. (Although after reading the research on Vulcan marriage bonds, this does not surprise me.) According to my father, my parents somehow managed to form a bond without the need of a healer during certain activities that I wish to never discuss again. No child wishes to know the details of their parent’s sex life, even if it is for the greater good of science. Maybe, the statistic Dr. Westin gave me referred to accidental marriage bonds that occurred without a sexual component.

As much as it embarrassed me to ask, my father did feel my mother’s emotions occasionally, but he was not able to identify many of them. I also asked about the dreams, but for my sake my father politely refused to answer. I choose not to examine this more deeply.

My father is not completely displeased with my choice of partner. He is not even that surprised that we are already bonded. I still wonder if my counterpart has already spoken to him about such matters. I am sure that he has.

 XXX

October 14, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

As the time for shore leave approaches, I have decided it would be best if James and I share a room together. It will be harder for me to not tell him about the true status of my relationship with Nyota and my feelings for him if we are forced to spend time together in a confined space. At least, this is what Nyota has told me.

I do not necessarily agree with her. James and I have spent much time together in a confined space and I have come no closer to him realizing that I am sexually attracted to him. I allowed him to remove chocolate cake batter from my fingers with his mouth yesterday. Despite my most likely visible reaction to such actions, James was not aware of the significance of me allowing such an overtly sexual gesture even in the privacy of the ship kitchen. It was almost the Vulcan equivalent to oral sex. (Due to the fact I must disclose everything of importance in this diary; I will confess that I had a dream that night where the entire scene becomes much more sexual in nature, resulting in James licking chocolate batter off of my appendages. At some point, I bent a chocolate batter-covered James over the counter and proceeded to do things to him that should not occur in a space where food is prepared.)

During dinner, we did not talk about our feelings for one another. I wonder which one of us was more afraid. At least, I was socialized not to talk about my feelings.

James did tell me about the events of his 16th birthday that led to Winona checking herself into a long-term treatment facility. I was happy that she received treatment for her substance abuse problem. I felt bad that James blames himself so much for what happened. Maybe it would have been better for all parties involved if Winona at least told her oldest living son about what really happened to her on Tarsus. I honestly believe that her actions stunted her recovery process.

I wonder if my refusal to talk about what happened to my mother is hampering my recovery process? I will speak to James as soon as I can about this.

XXX

October 15, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

I had another lunch date with James today. Instead of eating on planet or in the Enterprise cafeteria, we chose to eat in Jim's private quarters under the guise of talking about work. No work-related conversations took place unless you count Jim describing how he survived a meeting with my father and Stonn without resorting to physical violence. Stonn made several disgusting remarks regarding my ancestry during the course of the discussion. According to James, my father did not do much better. Jim said he looked ready to attack when he made multiple inappropriate comments about interspecies marriage. I personally would have loved to see my father defend the right to marry anyone you want no matter what species that individual may be. It was unfortunate that I heard this secondhand as I would have liked to see my father take a stand on such things. His actions made me very proud to be his son.

From there the conversation centered around how I was treated as a child on Vulcan, how my mother was treated by other Vulcans, and how I am still treated by some of my peers. Although this is a private diary, I do not feel it is in my best interest to repeat what James said verbatim due to the creative amount of profanity use. The entire time James referred to him as that "fucking idiot bastard" and that was one of the nicer things he said. I enjoyed this immensely. James was quite angry when he heard about how I was treated as an outcast. He then proceeded to share stories about going through the same thing before he went to private school. I was unaware that children on earth could be so cruel to those that have lost parents or were highly intelligent. Maybe, it should not surprise me considering the angry glares I received at the academy every time I excelled on an exam. A few classmates were angry at me for supposedly wrecking "the curve". It was not until I was an instructor at the academy that I understood why they were so upset. Although, if they took the time to read the Academy bylaws they would know that grading on a "curve" was strictly prohibited.

Finally, the conversation turned to what happened when my mother died. I am not sure how we got to this subject of conversation but it happened and I kept my promise to myself to talk to James about how I really felt. Like everyone else, he told me once again that it was not my fault. I choose not to believe anyone else when they say this, but I know that James would not tell me empty words. I trust him more than anybody else in the universe.

XX

October 18, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

I am very displeased that my planned lunch with James today will be canceled due to a forced meeting with the one individual I find most displeasing. We were going to have a picnic lunch that Jim personally prepared the night before. I was looking forward to spending time with him. However, I know that I must put the mission first and that means meeting with certain Vulcans I find distasteful. James did not take me canceling lunch very well. Yet he knows that the success of the mission is paramount. Part of the reason why I like James so much is that he understands how important Starfleet is to me, because Starfleet is also important to him.

I already know that I would have had trouble with any potential Vulcan bondmate because they would not understand my life mission. Starfleet is a very integral part of my life and James knows this. Things are a lot easier because of this. I do not want to contemplate how difficult it would be to cancel a date with a non-Starfleet significant other. I always remember my mom becoming angry every time my father had to cancel something due to work-related concerns. She may have loved him very much, but there were parts of his job that she just did not understand

XXX

October 20, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

I am writing in this journal because I am currently unable to articulate what happened verbally. This has been recommended by both Dr. McCoy and Dr. Suarez. As I surmised, my meeting with the Vulcan that I despise was not pleasant. However, I did not think that he would render me unconscious and take me to an isolated location for purposes unknown. He is currently using the Pon Farr defense for his gross actions against me.

Stonn was still bitter about many things, including me being the official bondmate of his lover and my supposed disregard of Vulcan culture. At some point there was a rant about me being a member of Starfleet instead of taking a direct role in the rebuilding of the Vulcan community. He repeated this sentiment multiple times. He apparently ignored the fact that I could do more from my position in Starfleet than from the colony itself. Although, the thing he was most angry about is the fact I already had a new bondmate when his bond mate was gone.

I was not aware that by telling my father that James was my bondmate he would have no choice but to register it with the Vulcan authorities. At some point, Stonn came across these records by some unknown means. I am not sure what his purpose was in taking me to the isolated wilderness. I am only concerned with the fact that I survived.

 

On a positive note, the bond allowed James to know that something was not quite right, and a search was started promptly. Unfortunately, because I was the missing person, Dr. McCoy determined that he was emotionally compromised and relieved him of his duty by rendering him unconscious with a sedative. I was found approximately 12 hours later after I successfully managed to get out of my bonds and render my captor unconscious. Because his actions were supposedly triggered by early onset Pon Farr the exact details of what happened are currently sealed with only the medical staff knowing exactly what happened. James only knows that during a surveying expedition both Stonn and I were somehow knocked unconscious. Even after our public reunion where James actually hugged me, I decided not to disclose more than necessary. Technically, due to his reaction, in accordance with Starfleet regulation 567.42b, Jim is not entitled to know the details of what happened. The version he was given was still enough for James to follow me everywhere for the last 24 hours. I have spent every free moment since being rescued with my captain. Although, I enjoy spending time with James, this over-protectiveness is starting to become unbearable. Actually, all the attention has become unbearable. Even my father became highly worried about me. I do not want to write about this any longer. I prefer to just meditate on what occurred rather than continue to rehash the events in this journal.

XXX

October 23, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

We will be leaving the colony in 2.3 days and despite some of the more unpleasant aspects of my time on the colony, I will find that I will miss it. I am glad that my father and I have come to some sort of understanding. I am no longer under the delusion that my father simply hates me because I am not the perfect Vulcan. I know that I no longer need to try to be the perfect Vulcan because that concept of perfection is nonexistent. I have made peace with my past. It is against basic Vulcan philosophy to allow oneself to be consumed by bitterness. I will not allow that to happen. I cannot hold onto that anger anymore.

 

XXX

October 24, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

After the events of a few days ago, Dr. Suarez felt it was best that we discuss what happened in person. The session was not fruitful at all.

Dr. Suarez believes that part of the reason why I am afraid to enter into a relationship with Jim is because of T'Pring. She thinks that I am afraid of being betrayed again. I disagree with her hypothesis completely.

I am not bitter about that, nor do I feel that I should be. It was an arranged marriage. I feel guilty for the fact that I was unable to prevent her death. I feel more guilt over the fact that I have James when Stonn will most likely be alone for the rest of his existence.

At least, I will have Jim once I get over my apprehension. I still have not decided on a course of action to tell James that I am interested in him. Nyota suggested that I just jump Jim during shore leave and have my way with him. (Although her actual suggestion which included much more graphic details and bondage.)

This suggestion resulted in several inappropriate dreams that evening involving chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and some phallic pink toy that vibrates. I really hope that I did not share this dream with James, but considering the content, I know that is a foolish hope.

As time moves closer to shore leave, I am seriously contemplating her suggestion. Maybe it would just be easier to show my emotions instead of actually verbalizing what I feel. I would not go to such lengths as to include handcuffs, but certainly a human-style kiss would be enough to convey my true emotions. Although James has yet to see the significant of Vulcan style kisses, so maybe kissing would not be effective.

XXX

October 25, 2228

Dear Therapy Journal:

On our last night on the colony, I brought James with me for a final dinner with my father. At least this time Sarek served food that would not send James into anaphylactic shock. I should be thankful for this. I think this is my father’s way of showing his approval of James. More surprisingly, my father shared anecdotes about his own marriage with my mother. He would not do this unless he felt comfortable with James. It was the type of dinner I have always wanted to have with my father. I am glad that my last night on the colony was so pleasant and, surprisingly enough, I will actually miss my father.

XXX

October 28, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

We will be arriving at our shore leave destination in three days and the crew is becoming somewhat restless. There was another incident in engineering involving the unauthorized creation of alcohol that had to be dealt with swiftly after an explosion.

This restlessness led to another unfortunate incident in the cafeteria. We have recently started eating in the mess hall again because Jim supposedly did not want to give my ‘girlfriend’ the wrong impression, despite the fact that Nyota keeps telling him that she wants us to spend as much time as possible together. A certain colleague made several comments about Jim’s supposedly legendary reputation when it comes to shore leave and sexual decadence. Both James and I responded by breaking our breakfast utensils. Because this is for therapeutic purposes, I will admit that I snapped my fork because the thought of James engaging in sexual intercourse with anyone else is repugnant. James told me later on that he was upset because he is tired of everybody thinking that they know him when they have no idea who he really is. I can relate to Jim's predicament. Too many people think they know me, but they know nothing about me.

 

XXX

October 31, 2258

Dear therapy journal:

I am quite frustrated with Nyota at the moment. I do not know how she did it, but she somehow managed to change my reservation at the hotel for the honeymoon suite. Because Enterprise was not the only ship in the vicinity all other rooms were filled. After threatening to not pay for her room, she was willing to switch rooms with me. However, she said it was on the provision that Jim knows the truth about their relationship by the end of the night, one way or the other. I am not sure what she means by that. I agreed because her suite had two separate bedrooms and I do not want to deal with a situation where I will have to share a bed with James.

I am willing to admit on these pages that I turned down James' invitation to go to a club so I would not have to tell him that I find him sexually attractive and that I am interested in pursuing a relationship with him. I also said no because I could not be responsible for my actions if I see one more person try to proposition my James. It was disgusting enough during lunch when a waitress tried to put her hand down his pants. I actually tipped over my milkshake. Yes, said milkshake contained chocolate.

XXX

 

November 1, 2258

Dear therapy journal:

I wonder if I made the right decision by not going with James last night. He seems unbelievably guilty and withdrawn this morning. Actually, I can feel this. He is worried about something. I have never sensed this much distress from him before. Part of me wonders if this extreme guilt was triggered by James engaging in sexual intercourse with any patrons at the club that he attended with Dr. McCoy the night before. However, after exchanging several emails with the doctor, he assured me that James turned down all offers of a sexual nature. I find this quite satisfying. However, I am still worried about why James feels guilty. If he did not engage in sexual intercourse with a stranger, why would he not look me in the eye at the museum? Every time I brought up Nyota in an effort to explain to James that we are no longer together, he quickly changed the subject. I do not understand the reason for such behavior. Then again, I do not understand Jim's behavior in general sometimes.

Despite this we had a wonderful day together. We visited several of my favorite museums and went to a really good Vegan restaurant. Right now James is downstairs having a drink with Dr. McCoy so I decided to take this time to do my therapy homework, or at least tried to. Nyota is currently pounding on my door and cursing at me in at least three different languages for reasons unknown.

XXX

From: SpockX

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

Time sent: 11/2/2258 00:28:01

 

Subject: Your assistance is needed immediately

Dr. Suarez, because of certain things that have happened on the shore leave, I need to schedule an appointment with you at your earliest convenience.

You will be happy to know that James is now aware of my feelings for him. Unfortunately his reaction was not ideal. I need to speak to you about this as soon as you are available.

XXX

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

To: SpockX

Time sent: 11/2/2258 00:31:12

Subject: Re: Your assistance is needed immediately

Fortunately for you, I have a tendency to check my email in the middle of the night. I am in room 625. You can come as soon as you read this message or I can come to you. Where are you? Are you okay?

 

To be continued.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spock’s part and Jim's emails have finally caught up to each other. Everything from here on out is new material.


	30. Beautiful Chapter 17: If "Happy Ever After" did exist, I would not be speaking to my therapist at 1:03 AM about you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick note: Spock's letter to Dr. Suarez was written about an hour after Jim's last letter. A lot went down in that hour.  
> The first part of the title comes from the song Payphone by Maroon 5  
> Thank you to Teddy Bear and Unforgiven1290 for being the betas on this chapter.

“Okay, I didn't expect you to get here this quickly. I barely had time to get a bathrobe on. What happened to your cheek? Did he hit you?" The doctor began as soon as she opened the door for him. She seemed quite worried when she noticed the beginning of bruises. Spock was quite surprised at the prospect of discoloration. He rarely bruised.

"James did not hit me, Nyota did." Spock stated as he walked into her room and took a seat on the nearest chair. The doctor frowned at that.

“Why did she hit you?” The doctor asked as she grabbed her special PADD.

“I was not expecting her to physically assault me when I allowed her into my room earlier this evening." He said, deliberately misunderstanding her question.

“Therapy doesn't work very well when you don't answer my questions.” Her tone was that of a very exacerbated person. “Now let me ask you this again; why did she hit you?”

“I thought we were here to talk about what happened with James after he discovered my feelings for him?” Spock asked again trying to misdirect the conversation.

“Somehow, I think this is all related. Let's just start at the beginning, what happened?" The doctor asked again.

“That is a complicated story.” Spock said in resignation.

“Technically, I’m on vacation, so I have time. I am only on call for emergencies. Considering your ex-girlfriend hit you, and more importantly, you let her, I think this qualifies. Talk to me." The doctor said giving him a kind look.

“Last night James went with Dr. McCoy to one of the clubs in the complex. I was not with him because I had other things that needed my attention.” Spock lied to the doctor.

“Remember our discussion about honesty.” Dr. Suarez chided, obviously realizing his dishonesty. “Why did you not go with Jim to the club?"

"That is irrelevant to the story." Spock told her, trying to avoid revealing his true motivations.

"If it was not relevant you would tell me. But you're not telling me why; therefore, it must be relevant and you're afraid to tell me." Dr. Suarez said almost smugly.

"I do not like your logic." Spock was almost tempted to frown at that moment.

"You just used the term like, we have progress." Spock just raised an eyebrow before responding, realizing that subterfuge was not going to be allowed. Dr. Suarez rarely allowed it, so why would she allow it now during such difficult circumstances? He began by explaining the situation that involved receiving the one hotel room. Then he went on to explain the deal that he made with Nyota to exchange rooms including the exact wording of the promise he made.

“Why do I have an uneasy feeling about her exact wording?” The doctor asked when Spock paused for a moment.

“You have reason to worry. I purposely did not go to the club to avoid telling James the truth; however, he discovered it anyway.” The doctor frowned at this.

“Why were you still afraid to tell James how you feel?” Spock was not expecting that question. He was not sure how to answer that. He was afraid of James running away. Only in retrospect, does he realize that maybe if he told James the truth the night before he would not be recounting the events of the last few hours at 1:03 AM planet time.

“Dr. McCoy made plans with his girlfriend to meet up at the club.” Spock began again avoiding her question. "They purposely arranged it so James would see the couple engaged in an intimate embrace." He could not help but allow anger to enter his voice. He was mad at her for pushing the issue. Again, in retrospect, this plan of hers was as ill advisable as her earlier attempt to lock him in an elevator with her to force him to talk about his feelings. The frown on the doctor's face told him that she saw things in a similar light.

“So much for actually taking time off." The doctor mumbled under breath.

“I assumed that because Jim doesn't know that Nyota and you broke up months ago he assumed that she was sleeping around?” Spock just nodded his head. From his conversation with James and the screaming that Nyota did at him previously, that seemed to be the case. The letter that he read earlier just confirmed that. “It was probably worse than that. Jim most likely assumed that one of his friends betrayed one of his other friends."

“Your assumption is accurate.” After a heated encounter with Nyota, he found two letters in his inbox from James. He only opened his e-mail to send James a message to correct the misunderstanding (despite being told not to do that). After reading the letters, he knew he had no choice but to go in person.

On a positive note, Spock now knew the real reason why James kept constantly changing the subject during their museum trips earlier that day. He also understood why James did not look him in the eye at all today. His guilt was not related to him engaging in sexual activities with someone else but rather that James believed that Nyota betrayed Spock. Now Spock felt guilty because his cowardly behavior hurt James so profoundly. It was obvious that he agonized over the information.

“So I'm guessing after he caught your supposed girlfriend being intimate with someone else he confronted you with the evidence? That would be the typical behavior for somebody who would want you to breakup just so they can be with you.” The doctor asked with concern.

“No, he spent most of the day avoiding the subject of my supposed girlfriend and anything related to the night before. I originally assumed that his guilt was related to him engaging in sexual intercourse with someone else.

“Dr. McCoy alleviated my fears in this regard. Of course, he did not give me any indication of what really happened.” The doctor’s mouth was open wide by the time he paused.

“I don't even know where to begin analyzing that. First, is the fact that James sat on the information most likely to spare your feelings. This tells me that he really loves you. Then there’s the fact that you freaked out over the idea of him sleeping with someone else, even though you have no right because he doesn’t exactly know that by Vulcan standards you two are hitched.” The doctor said as she fidgeted with her stylus. This was a physical manifestation of the doctor's obvious frustration.

“It may be best if I continue the story before you begin analyzing anything. Things will make more sense that way.” Spock suggested not wanting to hear the doctor's analysis of the situation. Maybe it was a bad idea to see the doctor but he had no one else to talk to about this. Considering their last encounter, Nyota was not available. A year ago, he would have called his mother but that was no longer an option. Oddly enough, Dr. Suarez was the same age as his mother. She would have to do.

“I doubt it.” The doctor said in a low mumble that he would not have heard if he were not Vulcan.

“That seems logical.” He could almost hear sarcasm in her much louder words. “If James did not confront you with the information about your girlfriend, what happened?” Her voice sounded resigned in that moment.

“Instead of speaking to me about what happened, he chose to address the situation with Dr. McCoy and Nyota.” Spock could not even look at the doctor at that moment.

“Considering I wasn’t called to get anybody out of jail, it could not have been that bad. In light of the fact your face is now bruised, I doubt that it was good. What happened?”

Spock took a deep breath before he began his explanation in as vague terms as possible, “Essentially James accused her of cheating on me and said some things to her that I am not at liberty to repeat. According to her angry rant, James called her the S word, the W word, the B word, and several other expletives. He also called Dr. McCoy several similar things. Apparently, having someone she considers a friend speaking to her like that triggered her outburst of anger.”

“Okay so I think I know what happened. Because James did not know that you were single and interested in him, he assumed that you were still with Nyota. His mind went to a bad place when he saw her and her current boyfriend engaging in certain activities. The thought of her cheating on you caused him to be very distressed. Instead of confronting you with information, he decided to convince her to talk to you about what's going on. Of course, as we all know from the bridge incident, Jim could benefit from retaking diplomacy 101 and therefore when he confronted her, things went badly. Nyota was hurt by what happened and blamed you. If I know her as well as I think I know her, she probably blames herself because she kept enabling you to keep up this charade. You felt guilty about the whole thing and decided to let her have a free swing. How am I doing so far?” The doctor’s analysis of the situation was more straightforward then he expected. He would ask her to explain the concept of a free swing but he did not want to be accused of playing ignorant to diffuse tension again. He has done it so many times in the past that he doubted she would see this time as truly genuine.

 

“Your assessment seems quite accurate." Was the only thing he actually said.

“I assume that when she went to talk to you about what happened she slapped you?”

“Yes, but only after causing severe damage to the door of my hotel suite.” There were now several dents in the door.

“Well we know somebody is going to be having anger management training. Why can't I have a vacation? I should've stayed retired.” The doctor again seemed annoyed as she said this.

“Because you are the only trained psychologist on board the Enterprise at present.” Spock said answering her un-asked question. “Why did you leave retirement?" He had wondered about that for a while but has not had an opportunity to ask.

“James convinced me that I was more needed here. Of course, I didn't think my major purpose on board the ship would be to help sort out his love life.” That last part was mumbled again. At some point, Spock should let his doctor know that he can hear her musings.

“Why did you let her hit you?” Dr. Suarez asked, turning back to the session.

“I did not let her hit me. I was surprised.”

“I’m sure that you’re using 'I was surprised' as an excuse." Two months ago, he would say that Vulcans do not become surprised.

"Maybe she did surprise you, but let's be honest when it comes to hand-to-hand combat the only person on the ship in your league is Jim. That’s not even taking into account that you are about 2 to 3 times stronger than most of the human members of the security staff. As well trained as you are, you should have been able to stop her before she made contact with your face. But you didn't. Why?” He should have known that Dr. Suarez would see the situation for what it truly was.

“I should not have put her in this position. I should have told James right away that we are no longer together or at the very least, I should have told him when she started to see Dr. McCoy. It was not fair to her to put her in this position because I was afraid. My behavior may have caused non-reversible damage to her friendship or to her working relationship with James."

“You've come a long way. Two months ago, you would've never said that to me."

"I am surprised I said that myself." Again, he said not looking at her.

"That being said, physical violence is not an acceptable way to resolve these issues. If you want, I can mediate a session between you and the lieutenant. Actually, I think I'm going to have to require it. Technically, I'm supposed to report all incidents of domestic violence; however, if you both agree to work with me on it I may be able to circumvent that."

“I will keep that under consideration; however, after the incident of physical violence we were able to talk things out." By talk things out Spock means, that a vast amount of shouting was involved.

“Was talking actually involved or mostly screaming?” The doctor asked obviously knowing her patient a little too well.

“The latter,” Spock replied in resignation knowing that he could not keep this from her. “It was still quite productive." The doctor just gave him a strange look but did not say anything. "During our discussion, she suggested that I speak with James to correct his misconceptions." Actually, she demanded that Spock speak with James right away about what really happened but Spock wasn't going to tell Dr. Suarez that nor the fact that he tried to get out of it by sending an e-mail instead.

“Okay so considering that you emailed me in absolute panic about Jim's reaction to you telling him about your feelings, I assume that you did what she said.” Spock just nodded his head.

“Okay, so what happened?”

\----

**53 minutes earlier**

Spock wondered if he would be down here right now if Nyota did not literally push him from the room (after he read certain emails that made him more susceptible to her manipulations in this regard). She told him that Jim would be in the retro bar downstairs. She said she would also be waiting for him in his room if he tried to back out of this again. She referred to her actions as an intervention.

She was right. Spock could see Jim sitting at one of the back tables slowly drinking what appeared to be bourbon, his head down most likely trying to avoid those who were only attracted to him because he was one of the guys who saved earth as James said in his letter. There was a woman on stage singing various 21st-century songs with only a guitar for accompaniment. The sign out front referred to this event as a tribute to a group called Maroon 5. Spock remembered the name of the group from Jim’s extensive 21st-century music collection. She was currently singing some song about a payphone and bridges that are already burnt*.

_I'm at a payphone trying to call home_

_All of my change I spent on you_

_Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong_

_Where are the plans we made for two?_

“What is a pay phone?” Spock asked as he sat down next to Jim as a way to begin this most likely unpleasant conversation. For a moment, Jim seemed surprised to see him there.

_If "Happy Ever After" did exist,_

_I would still be holding you like this_

_All those fairy tales are full of shit_

_One more fucking love song, I'll be sick._

“Telephones are the predecessor to modern communicators on earth. I guess they had public stations back then where people could talk if they couldn't afford their own. Oh god, she is actually going to try the rap part acoustic.” Jim explained as he placed his glass on the table.

“This is torture. I don't consider this much of a tribute for a group I actually like. Not all of their songs aged this badly. However, if my father’s death and my mother’s remarriage taught me anything it was fairytales really are filled with shit and happily ever after doesn't exist.” His words made Spock feel sad. It also made him think that James would never allow the two to have a real relationship.

“You seem quite cynical for someone of only 25 years,” was Spock's only comment.

“I’ve seen too many people be screwed over by love, you being one of them. If you had the conversation I think you just had with Nyota then you probably agree with me. If not then, I’m going to need more alcohol" Jim said taking another long drink.

“Nyota and I did speak to each other.” He said calmly.

“I assume that you know about Bones?” Spock just nodded his head in agreement.

“What Happened? Wait; don't answer that question until you have something alcoholic.” Jim said raising his hand to signal the server to order something called a chocolate orgasm. Spock tried not to break the table as the server continued to flirt with James. At some point the music changed to a song** with lyrics such as "I wrote two hundred letters I will never send". How oddly appropriate.

_So scared of breaking it_

_that you won't let it bend_

_And I wrote two hundred letters_

_I will never send_

_Sometimes these cuts are so much deeper than they seem_

_You'd rather cover up_

_I'd rather let them bleed_

“Now that you have chocolate libations what happened?" Jim asked again.

“Is that a bruise on your cheek?" Jim said as he gently touched the discoloration. Spock instantly felt this spark of electricity.

"You are under the impression that Nyota cheated on me with Dr. McCoy?” Spock said it as a question to avoid Jim’s second question.

“That’s usually the right impression when somebody makes out with someone else unless you guys have some sort of arrangement or you’re into polyandry. I’m pretty sure Bones is really, really heterosexual. He’s like a zero on the Kinsey scale. Judging by the way your eyebrows are kneaded together I have this feeling that I’m going to need to find the biggest box of chocolates and bottle of alcohol on this planet.”

“Unlike my former bond mate T’Pring, I believe in exclusive monogamy. Fortunately for me, so does Nyota. She was not unfaithful to me because we are no longer together when you observed her and Dr. McCoy in a romantic embrace." Spock explained but his words did little to pacify James. Spock could feel his anger through the bond.

_It's not that I didn't care_

_It's that I didn't know_

_It's not what I didn't feel,_

_It's what I didn't show_

"You may not be familiar with earth dating rituals, but it's good form to at least wait a few weeks or at the very least a few hours before you start screwing around with someone else. Then again, there is a Kirk family legend about a great, great uncle whose wife asked for a divorce and then asked for a ride to the other man’s house. Neither situation is good. Why didn't you tell me about the breakup? We could have gone drinking or do you prefer chocolate to drown your sorrows? There is a chocolate factory around here.”

“Such actions would not be necessary. Nyota and I were never really together; therefore, I do not believe the normal rituals associated with breakups are necessary.” Jim’s mouth opened wide in shock before he called over for more alcohol for himself.

“I’m going to need an explanation for that one. I saw the two of you making out in the transporter room that one time. Then you guys always hung out or had lunch together.”

“We always have lunch together.” Spock added.

“But that’s different. We don’t have any make out privileges.” Spock swore the word yet was added to the end, but maybe that was just an audio hallucination.

"Nyota and I were just friends who occasionally engaged in sexual intercourse during times of great stress." It was the best explanation of his relationship with her. Now, it seems like the only reason why their relationship started in the first place.

"Such as when your planet blew up and your mom died?” James asked again taking another long drink.

"Essentially that was the case." Spock said in response.

“I only believe you because this is you, even if I don’t see Nyota as the type that has friends with benefits. Is that what is going on with Bones?"

“No, our situation was unique.” Spock does not go beyond that because he does not have permission to tell Jim about the Marc situation. “She cares about Dr. McCoy greatly. We have also not engaged in sexual intercourse since June nor do we have plans to resume that part of our relationship.” Jim’s glass falls out of his hand at that moment.

“You haven't been with her for months?” Again, Spock just nodded in agreement.

“So why the fuck did you not tell me?” James yelled causing the woman on stage to pause just before beginning another song***.

“Nyota did not want certain individuals on ship to know that she was available. I was planning to inform you earlier today but every time I tried to tell you, you would change the subject.” Spock explained in an effort to calm James down. That was the truth in the beginning.

“I would call bull shit on that answer but I assume that I was the one that she did not want to know.”

_What am I supposed to do to get by?_

_Did I lose everything I need to survive?_

_'Cause at 4am, when the sweat sets in_

_Did you get my message? Did it send?_

_Or did you just get on with your life?_

“In the beginning, yes; however, there was a certain member of Engineering that tried to grab her backside.”

“I’m guessing he is the same one that Bones refused to treat two months ago when he showed up with a broken arm and why he is absolutely terrified of you.” Spock nodded again. “At least, I now know which communications officer to bring down during hostile situations. I can understand. You should tell me about this. At the very least, I need to know why you are pushing for a sexual harassment seminar. More importantly, I should know because I’m your friend. I am your friend?”

“Of course you are James.” Spock said trying to bring his hand into a kiss but Jim pulled away angrily.

“You sure have a fucked up way of showing it. Do you have any idea what you put me through the last 24 hours?” long

“I apologize for the pain that my delay may have caused.”

“You’re fucking sorry? If you really cared about me at all you would have told me. I’m so fucking tired of…” Jim shouted again. He was becoming somewhat hysterical. Spock could only think of one way of stopping this tirade.

Spock would later blame the chocolate laced alcohol for his idea to cut Jim off with a kiss, but really he could only blame himself. It was the most intense kiss he had ever had in his life. Granted the only person that he had kissed this way was Nyota but it never felt like this. This was like a battle. He could feel lust and love through the bond. It was nearly overwhelming. He swore he heard the words in Jim’s voice ‘you confuse the hell out of me.’ It must have been psychically because James’ mouth was still fused to his for at least one more second. Then James broke away so quickly that he fell out of his chair. In seconds, he was out the door.

I have this feeling when I

Finally find the words to say

But I can't tell you if you turn around

And run away, run away

\---

The Present

Dr. Suarez actually sat in front of him speechless. It's the first time he has ever seen her like this.

“He ran away from you?" Dr. Suarez asked as she began to regain her cognitive faculties.

“That is what I just said.”

"Other than being tortured by the gods of love songs, it could've been a lot worse. When I saw that bruise, I thought he recreated a certain scene from this old J Edgar Hoover biography I just watched.” She almost seemed relieved.

“I do not consider his reaction favorable.” Spock replied with barely veiled annoyance.

“He didn't slap you and considering the circumstances he probably should have.”

“Should you be condoning physical violence?” Spock asked her.

“Probably not," she replied. "Look Spock, you need to see things from his perspective. He just found out that you don’t trust him enough to tell him basic things such as you’re not with Nyota anymore and you’re just faking it for personal reasons. Obviously, he feels like you don’t trust him. It’s hard to build a relationship without trust no matter what the nature of it is.”

“I see your point.” Spock interrupted.

“I’m not done with you yet Mr. Spock. Then you kissed him without notice. You know that he has intimacy issues. How on any planet did you expect him to react?" She almost seemed annoyed at that point.

“I expected him to run away or panic in some way and pull away from me. My hypothesis was correct. That is why I did not want to tell him that I was interested in him in the first place."

“Have you ever heard of the concept of a self-fulfilling prophecy?” Dr. Suarez asked.

“What occurred had nothing to do with prophecy or anything of a similar nature.” Spock said with his eyebrows raised.

“I know you have a tendency to be very literal when you're freaking out but it is a little annoying. Can you please tone it down just long enough so we can get through this conversation?"

"Of course, doctor." Spock said almost sarcastically or as sarcastically as he would allow himself.

"Thank you. The concept of a self-fulfilling prophecy basically means that if you expect something to happen when you consciously or unconsciously take certain steps that cause that action to happen. You were afraid that Jim would reject your feelings for him. Because you were afraid of this, you did not let Jim know that you had feelings for him. Hell, you didn't even let him know that you were single. Therefore, when he found out in the most dramatic way possible he ran away from you therefore proving your point.”

“What is your point doctor?” Spock asked.

“Did you ever consider that your own actions caused everything that happened tonight?”

"That is a possibility." Spock responded begrudgingly.

“So did you try to chase after him?” The doctor asked after a moment.

“I felt it was best to give James his space.” Spock lied to her.

“Why don't I believe you?”

“A security guard prevented me from leaving the establishment without paying. I had no choice but to wait for my check to arrive. After I was able to leave the establishment, I was unable to find him.” Of course, he did not inform Dr. Suarez that he was too afraid to really look.

“Now that seems more reasonable. I assumed that you emailed me immediately after?"

“Yes,” Spock answered simply.

“Part of me thinks you came here tonight for me to help you make sense of this and make everything better but there's no quick fix for this.” The doctor said stoically.

“I realize there is no simple way to resolve this situation.” Spock said in his defense.

“Glad we agree on this. I think we have all been enabling you too long to run away from your feelings for Jim. You are going to have to talk to him. There is no other option at this point. If you can deal with hostile enemies, you can deal with the object of your affection.” Spock did not agree with her statement.

“I'm not sure if I can do that.” He said honestly.

“Then write him a letter. You seem to be really good at that.” The doctor suggested.

“How can that be beneficial if he never reads it?” Spock asked slightly confused.

“This is the type that you're actually going to have to send.” She said in slight frustration. Spock said nothing.

“If you don’t want to try that, I can help mediate the discussion. We can schedule something for tomorrow or rather later today considering it’s after midnight.” The doctor said looking at her PADD for the time.

“I am uncertain if I want to or even can try these things, especially, in light of the fact that I'm sharing a room with James and will most likely be confronted by him as soon as I return.” Spock does not mention his fear that James may not return.

“I can't make you do anything.” The doctor said with an irritated sigh. “I can't make you get better. I can't make you work through your issues but if you really love Jim than you're going to do this for him and yourself. Love takes work. There is no such thing as 'happily ever after'. Nothing works itself out on its own.”

"You have a point." Spock said begrudgingly.

"However, you don’t have to do it tonight.” Dr. Suarez’s words surprise Spock.

“I doubt that I can avoid a confrontation if I run into James in our room.” Spock explained.

“Then you may just need to avoid that room for a while. This couch is lumpy as hell but I am sure you have slept on worse. It wouldn't be the first time a patient has slept on my couch.” She said offering him a way out of his confrontation with Jim.

“Was that patient James, perhaps after a physical altercation with his stepfather?” Spock thought of James as soon as she mentioned it. Her expression said more than her words ever could.

“You know I can't answer that question. Although I will say, you're a lot more perceptive then you give yourself credit for.” She said walking to the closet.

“I am uncertain of that. However, I appreciate the offer of the couch."

“Here’s a blanket. I can call for pillows if you want?” He just nodded his head no.

“Trust me, things will seem a whole lot better in the morning."

As he struggled to fall asleep later, he hoped that she was right.

XXX

Spock is not sure how he made it out of Dr. Suarez's room before being forced to stay for breakfast. It most likely has something to do with him leaving before she woke up. It was not that he did not want to eat but rather he did not want to have another discussion about James and what transpired the night before.

He checked his PADD after leaving. Nothing from James, unfortunately, however, he had 17 messages from Nyota with such dubious subject lines as: ‘I'm sorry that I hit you’, ‘Where the fuck are you?’, and 'Did you really think kissing him like that was a good idea?’ He read none of them; instead he decided that maybe eating before dealing with the consequences of yesterday would be most prudent. He doubted he would have an appetite afterwards.

He chose to go to the café downstairs. Unfortunately, James was there with Dr. McCoy. Obviously, the two made up if they were eating breakfast together. That comforted Spock somewhat.

In light of the anger and frustration that he was feeling from James, he felt it was best to avoid the cafe. He did not want a repeat of the night before. He was not ready to speak with James yet. He had no idea what to say or where to begin the conversation. ‘I'm sorry I kissed you’ was not appropriate because despite the outcome, Spock was not sorry. Even if he was going to have to transfer after this debacle, at least he had that one kiss.

Considering the fact that James was safely in the café downstairs, he decided to venture back to the room. If nothing else, he wanted to change clothes and have a shower. He despised wearing the same outfit for more than 24 hours except during crisis situations. His hypothesis that with James being gone his room would be safe to return was erroneous. Nyota was waiting there on the couch with chocolate croissants.

“I would ask you where you were last night but considering that you and I now have ex couple anger management and communications therapy tomorrow, I'm going to assume that you went to see Dr. Suarez. I should probably apologize for my actions that led to us having couples therapy on vacation.

“Your hypothesis is correct and I accept your apology." Spock said picking up one of the croissants. Maybe if they reconciled now they could avoid tomorrow’s therapy session. It seems that chocolate would be needed to deal with this day.

“Should you be getting drunk this early? It's not even nine yet." She said giving him a suspicious look.

“I believe the earth expression is “it is 5 o'clock somewhere.’ I have not eaten anything this morning and James is currently in the café with your boyfriend. I assume that they are now on good terms again.” Spock said as he took another bite.

“For those two, yes, they went through a bottle of obscenely expensive alcohol last night as they talked about you. I also have a spa gift card that I'm planning on using today.”

“I am glad your relationships were not permanently damage because of this misunderstanding.” Spock said sincerely.

“Just concentrate on your relationship with Jim right now. Why did you kiss him like that?"

“You were the one who suggested that I show James how I felt instead of just telling him.” Spock told her defensively.

“I was joking.” She said with a great deal of annoyance.

“I'm not good with deciphering human humor.” Spock said in his defense.

“That's pretty obvious. By the way, that was sarcasm.”

“That was obvious.”

“Do you want to talk about what happened last night?” She asked him in a much softer tone this time.

“Not particularly, unless you want to tell me what James said happened from his perspective?”

“He is angry at you for not telling him about the breakup; he's angry at you for not trusting him with your secrets; he's angry at you for kissing him like that even though he really, really liked the kiss; and he is still kind of sort of in love with you but he's still mad at you." Her words were rambling but he understood the meaning.

“What should I do?” He asked her sincerely.

“Talk to him.” She said it as if it was the simplest thing in the universe.

“That did not work out so well the first time.” He said as he finished his croissant. The chocolate was just starting to work.

“Okay write him a letter.” She suggested after a few moments of contemplation.

“Dr. Suarez suggested the same thing.” Spock explained with resignation.

“She's a smart lady. If you do it, I promise that I will deliver it to him and force him to read it.” Nyota offered as she got up and walked to his desk. He remembered that he left his Journal out on the table the night before.

“You know on second thought, maybe you should hold off on writing that letter for a little bit.” Nyota said with nervousness that was not there before. "We can make good use of Jim's spa gift. It will be relaxing and then you can put all your thoughts together."

“It's best that I do this now, otherwise I will try to find a way out of it. According to Dr. Suarez I have a problem with procrastinating.”

“True.” Nyota responded. Spock then got up from the couch and went to retrieve his book on the table himself. It was not there anymore. He then checked inside the desk but the journal was not there. He also checked his suitcase and under the bed. This is not good.

“I know what you're thinking. Jim probably doesn't have it. Look, maybe Leonard put it up somewhere.” She suggested weakly.

“If you really believed that, you would not have suggested a trip to the spa when you first discovered that the journal was not on the table." Spock said collapsing on the bed.

“It really can't be that bad.” Spock just gave her an annoyed look. He is absolutely terrified of the thought of Jim reading his private journal.

“I'm just going to go get you another chocolate croissant.”

“Thank you.”

 

To be concluded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this was the preliminary chapter.  
> There is only going to be one more chapter and an epilogue.
> 
> Songs by Maroon 5 used in this chapter   
> *Payphone  
> **Misery   
> ***Runaway  
> Also, I have decided the song Sad was being played when Spock was composing his e-mail to the doctor just to add to the torture.


	31. Chapter 18: Did you get my message? Did it send? Alternatively, am I going to have to fill out transfer papers?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title again comes from a Maroon 5 song, this time Runaway, because for the last chapter I had to listen to all four albums to find the best songs and this line stuck in my head and sort of dictated the direction of the final chapter.

Spock tried to relax at the ultra-luxurious hotel spa (that he was forced to be at against his will) but he kept checking his PADD on average every 31.41 seconds. He does not know why humans find the prospect of being wrapped in seaweed relaxing. He found the thought alone disturbing. He only consented to the spa treatments because they had something referred to as a chocolate body wrap and chocolate aroma therapy. Despite the aroma of chocolate in the air, Spock could not find peace. Spock was certain he would be unable to rest until he heard from James. Screaming would be preferable to the silence. Even being smacked again would be preferable.

That would most likely happen eventually because James had confiscated his therapy journal. He was upset about that until Dr. Suarez pointed out, during their 2 minute call, that it would be hypocritical for him to be upset about James reading his personal thoughts because he did the same thing to James. Spock would have mentioned that his actions did not involve larceny but the doctor terminated the call prematurely.

It was Nyota's idea to come here. He wanted to speak with Dr. Suarez again but she had an emergency with another patient and could not see him until the next day.

“If you check your PADD one more time we will find out how water resistant those things are when I throw it into the serenity pool,” Nyota threatened with a menacing glare.

“That would be destruction of Starfleet property,” Spock pointed out.

“The reprimand would be worth it. An email from Jim is not just going to magically show up in your inbox," Nyota said from the table next to him. Spock just glared at Nyota as if to remind her that it had occurred 11 times. "At least they're not just going to show up mysteriously at this time of day. He was really mad at you last night and needs to think, which is probably the only reason why he did something as stupid as stealing your therapy Journal. I think you need to make the first move.”

“What do you suggest?” He said with a sigh.

“Again, you should write him a letter.” She said it as if it was a simple thing. “One that you'll actually send. You don't need your therapy journal for that when you have that device that you’re driving me crazy with.”

“How would I even start such a letter?” He asked.

“I think, ‘I'm sorry I was afraid to tell you how I really feel about you’ or ‘Did you really steal my therapy journal?’ would be good places to start,” Nyota said almost laughing.

“Are you being serious this time or is this another attempt at human humor that is beyond me?” Spock asked with the raising of one eyebrow.

“I am being a little facetious but the idea is there. Just speak from the heart. Not telling Jim how you really feel is what caused this mess in the first place. Just be honest." Spock was sure that she would have tried to hug him if they were not restrained by the spa treatments.

“Your advice is sound,” Spock said out loud, even if he was not 100% sure of her advice.

“I do have my moments,” Nyota said before convincing a spa employee to take his PADD. After that, spa time became even more unbearable. This was mostly because the massage therapist was not familiar with the protocol of wearing gloves when performing therapeutic massages on a telepathic species. He really did not need to know how much she hated her job. Following a spa lunch, that he barely touched, Nyota still refused to return his PADD. She did take him to the simulated chocolate factory tour. It probably would have been more interesting if it was an actual factory tour. Instead, it involved robotic singing cows. However, there were free samples and he was able to pick up several packages of fine truffles.

It was well after dinnertime when he finally returned to the empty room that he was supposed to be sharing with James. There was no evidence that Jim had even been there. Nothing was out of place. The only thing that made him feel slightly better was that James' suitcase was still there. Trying to sleep was nearly impossible. Again, he kept checking his PADD multiple times. Part of him hoped an e-mail from James would mysteriously arrive in his inbox right after midnight, but he knew better. He was sure James was the one who took his journal, and by now, most likely knew about the computer error. He finally succumbed to sleep when he switched rooms. By morning, Spock was unable to eat anything. Dr. Suarez was not happy about that during their morning session. Actually, the only thing that she was happy about was the fact that he and Nyota were able to work through the majority of their issues on their own. Both she and Nyota joined forces to convince Spock that he needed to make the first move with Jim.

After once again returning to a Jim-free room, Spock decided to take the advice of his friend and doctor. He sat down on Jim's bed and began to write.

From: SpockX

To: KirkJT

Subject: I apologize for my behavior yesterday and in general

Time sent: 11/3/2258 12:21:15

Dear James:

I am uncertain how to begin this letter, mostly because I actually intend to send it to you. This exercise is much easier when you assume that the reader will never actually see it. If my hypothesis is correct, you have most likely read several journal entries that were not intended for your reading. I cannot be angry with you about that because I have done the same. It would be hypocritical. Although in my case, I did not commit a crime to receive such materials.

Maybe, I should have told you that I was receiving your private therapy letters but I was afraid. I have been afraid to tell you a lot of things, least of all was how I feel about you. I have been infatuated with you since the first moment I saw you. I find you fascinating and intriguing. Unfortunately, I have never told you any of these things. I should have told you early on that I found you sexually attractive, but again, I was afraid and not just of your reaction. After things went so badly with Nyota, I realized that I'm not in a place psychologically for a relationship.

My mother's death is still painful for me. I am still having trouble accepting what happened. In the last 24 hours, I have almost picked up my communicator twice to let her know what has been going on. That was before I could remember that number belonged to a person, on a planet that does not exist anymore.

Things are getting better. Usually, I can eat more than two or three bites of food and I am sleeping significantly better now. Working with Dr. Suarez has helped me immensely. However, I think spending time with you and talking with you has helped my recovery more than anything else. I no longer dream about the many ways I could have saved her. (I am sure that if you have read my therapy journal you know what has replaced those dreams) I no longer feel like I am drowning in guilt.

More importantly, I no longer feel like I should have died on that planet with everyone else. You gave me a reason to want to keep on living. For that alone, I thank you. After the events of yesterday, if you want me to leave the Enterprise I will transfer. I do not want to but I don't want to cause you any more pain. I know I caused you a lot of pain inadvertently due to my own cowardly behavior. I am aware that my actions may have shown otherwise but I do care about you. No matter how much time passes or what your feelings are, I will still love you.

\---

Spock sent the e-mail before he could change his mind and went straight for the emergency box of chocolate that he got from the chocolate factory the day before. He doubted he had the will to eat anything else. As he ate chocolate alone, Spock sincerely, wish that he had more friends. He would welcome any distraction from waiting for James to acknowledge his email. After his third truffle, a message from James finally showed up in his inbox. Spock began reading with a mixture of trepidation and excitement.

\---

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Subject: Re: I apologize for my behavior yesterday and in general

Time sent: 11/3/2258 12:56:19

 

Don't transfer. I may be incredibly angry at you because of your ability to not tell me anything important but I don't want you gone. When I say anything, I really mean anything. You accidentally getting my ‘therapy letters’ because of a computer glitch pales in comparison to you not telling me about getting KIDNAPPED! (Given the fact that I stole your therapy diary, I really can't be that mad at you about the letters or at least that is what Dr. Suarez told me during my angry rant. You will be happy to know that she confiscated it from me.) Even as just your superior officer, I should have known about that.

As your friend, I should have known just so I could help you deal with the incident but you deliberately withheld information from me. You keeping that from me hurt more than anything else. Trust me; I did some serious property damage when I read that. Okay, I realize that I probably should not have taken your therapy journal (especially after multiple people yelled at me about it) but how in the hell am I supposed to deal with you when you don't tell me anything? Really, you could have told me that you and Nyota "broke up" before I made a complete ass of myself. Good thing both were willing to forgive me with limited prostration. Overall, I should be the one pushing you to leave but despite everything I don't want you to. That doesn't mean I forgive you yet. I'm still furious. Right now, the main reason I don't want you to leave is I'm too lazy to break in a new first officer. Just let me be mad right now. Maybe by the time we're back on the ship I can be around you without the urge to shove a stylus up your ass. Then again, from what I read you might be into that sort of thing.

XXX

Spock is almost satisfied with the response. It is better than what he expected. At least the words ‘I hate you’ were nowhere in the message. Also, Spock is 100% sure James was Dr. Suarez's emergency appointment yesterday. Spock quickly begins on his response.

XXX

From: SpockX

To: KirkJT

Subject: Re: I apologize for my behavior yesterday and in general

Time sent: 11/3/2258 1:31:25

Dear James:

I will give you your space so that you may deal with your anger. If you desire, Nyota said that she would switch rooms with you even though she is mad that she will be giving up sex for the remainder of her vacation. Where did you stay last night?

May I suggest the paintball range as a constructive release of anger? I considered going there, but I really have no other friends but you and possibly Dr. McCoy that would be willing to do something like that. I am not sure if I want to be in a confined space with simulated weapons with either of you at the moment. Nyota refuses to go with me because she is afraid of the damage that she would do with the gun. She is still angry at both of us for yesterday.

I am still upset at you for taking my therapy journal despite the fact that Dr. Suarez says I have no right to be. I understand your reasoning. However, may I point out that if it was not for your computer glitch I would have never read your correspondence? In addition, I actually tried to repair the computer error (a second time) but you made it impossible for me to do so because of your own hubris. However, such an error was beneficial. You are just as reluctant to share personal information with me. If it was not for those letters I would still not know basic things about you.

As for not telling you about the incident with Stonn, I was not allowed to due to certain Starfleet regulations and because of the nature of the medical condition that triggered the incident.

\---

Spock ended the letter there not wanting to bring up why he did not tell James that he was single. In retrospect, it really was a very stupid thing to do. After reading James’ letter and composing a response Spock felt slightly better, enough to actually eat something. He ventured to a café a few blocks away. He got through half of his lunch before realizing how miserable eating without Jim is. Actually, everything seems miserable. It even started to rain; however, he did not let that keep him from enjoying a tour of the gardens. When he returned to his room, there was another message from Jim waiting for him. If he were not Vulcan, he would say he was almost giddy with excitement.

\----

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Subject: Your ex-girlfriend is crazy

Time sent: 11/3/2258 2:19:45

Too late for the warning about paintball and your ex-girlfriend. Those things hurt and now I'm all covered with green and red paint. I look like a Christmas tree. Did I mention she was the one who made me read and respond to your first letter at (paint) gunpoint?

You will be happy to know that just the thought of you sharing a room with your ex-girlfriend makes me slightly nauseous. The honeymoon suite has a very nice couch and it only hurt my back a little last night. I'll be fine for another night. There's no need to switch rooms unless you want to spend quality time with Bones. He is kind of angry at you for reasons unknown and he has his medical bag with him. You might want to stay away.

I would like to call bullshit on you using the regulation thing to not tell me about getting kidnapped! Have you ever listened to the ludicrous excuses you come up with? And they have the audacity to call me a bullshit artist. You are in a league of your own. I am surprised Dr. Suarez hasn't resigned yet if you do this type of thing during your therapy sessions. By the way, we now have a 10 AM appointment tomorrow. It's your fault that I'm spending a great portion of my vacation in therapy.

PS: Did you really have to tell me that you love me in an email? Sometimes you are such a bastard.

\---

If he were human, he would have laughed that the last part but Vulcans do not do that sort of thing. Instead, he thoughtfully composed the response.

\---

From: SpockX

To: KirkJT

Subject: Re: Your ex girlfriend is crazy

Time sent: 11/3/2258 2:49:24

Dear James:

I told you that I love you in an email because I doubt that I would have had an opportunity to say so out loud. You did actually run away from me when I tried to kiss you. I have received the summons to meet with Dr. Suarez tomorrow morning in her quarters. I can also blame you for spending the majority of this vacation under the observations of Dr. Suarez. After you ran away from me, I spent the night in her room discussing you.

Because of you, I have consumed vast amounts of chocolate. I never normally consume this much chocolate unless it involves an argument with my father. You are deeply frustrating.

Your fear about me engaging in sexual intercourse with Nyota, if we happened to share the same room, is completely unfounded. She cares greatly for Dr. McCoy and honestly, I find the thought of having sex with anyone but you deeply repugnant.

\----

Spock quickly sent the letter before he could change his mind. Afterward, he distracted himself with looking at the pictures Nyota sent him. Somehow, she managed to get one of Jim without a shirt on. Eventually another e-mail from James popped up.

\---

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Subject: I’m frustrating, so are you

Time sent: 11/3/2258 3:38:13

Dear Spock:

Who the hell are you calling frustrating? You are a lot more frustrating than me. Okay, so maybe I didn't tell you a lot of things like my aversion to actual relationships or anything related to my family. However, you didn't tell me about getting kidnapped, reading my personal emails (that somehow Nyota read too), that you were single, that you were in love with me, and the fact that we may have done the Vulcan equivalent of getting drunk and married in Vegas during what will forever be known as 'the bridge incident'.

I'm going to give you the last one as a freebie because I heard you fainted when you found out; therefore, you probably had no clue. Although, I probably should add the fact that you lied to me about the whole incident to the list of things you did not tell me. Again, these are things that your superior officer should know about. Okay, now I'm seriously regretting 'borrowing' your therapy journal and reading it. There are just some things you don’t want to find out. I guess ignorance really is bliss, but it’s not very productive.

However, none of this stuff would have bothered me as much if you actually told me in the first place. I like to reiterate that you are a bastard but I think I love you anyway.

PS: I'm a little less mad at you because you only want to have sex with me but I'm still pissed.

PPS: If you would have just told me this before everything happened, I could be spending this vacation locked in a room with you enjoying copious amounts of sex and living out some of those very strange dreams that I've been having lately. Okay, now I have another reason to be mad at you because I’m in someone else’s hotel room without you and only a bottle of Jack Daniel's for company.

PPPS: I may be slightly drunk right now and you should probably ignore everything I'm writing. Although, I’m pretty sure that I would still want to have sex with you sober.

xxxx

Spock already suspected that alcohol was involved. Really though, the last line did make him feel warm and fuzzy inside, as is the colloquial expression. Although, he could not let Jim’s remarks go without response.

\----

From: SpockX

To: KirkJT

Subject: Re: I am frustrating, so are you

Time sent: 11/3/2258 3:52:34

You are equally frustrating. Yes, I should have told you about multiple things, least of all, that I broke up with Nyota. However, in my defense, I did try to explain that our relationship was going through a transition. I am under the impression that you would not have believed me if I told you directly. In addition, I doubt that if I told you all of this before that we would be engaging in vast amounts of sexual intercourse. I am under the impression that you have severe intimacy issues and usually cannot engage in sex without that additional influence of alcohol despite your assertion otherwise.

\---

Within minutes after Spock sent his response, Jim replied complete with expletives in the subject line. Why was Spock not surprised?

\---

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Subject: I fucking hate voice recognition software

Time sent: 11/3/2258 4:01:13

I fucking hate voice recognition software. I think I breathed into the microphone wrong and it screwed up my programming instructions. I really wish you didn't know about that stuff right now. Yes, I realize I have no one to blame but myself due to my own ego and preventing you from fixing the mistake again. (Nyota told me everything.) Then again, I'm sure you wish that I didn't know about your sex fantasies. Seriously, chocolate body paint and the Rocky Horror Picture Show?

However, it is nice to have someone that actually doesn't believe those rumors about me being the ship slut...

XXX

Unfortunately, Spock’s reading is interrupted by someone knocking at his door. At least, this person was not screaming obscenities like last night. He was surprised to see James there when he opened the door.

“Why did you not use your key card?” Spock asked as he allowed Jim inside the room.

''I didn't want to find out what happens when you are surprised, and I needed to get some more clothes. I don't like being nerve pinched,” Jim said, subconsciously rubbing his neck as they walked to his room.

“It is not a pleasant experience," Spock said, referring to his most recent kidnapping.

“I'm sure it's not when it's being administered by the guy who stole your fiancé and tried to kill you,” Jim said with obvious sarcasm. “Seriously, why did you not tell me about that?"

“I was worried about how you would react,” Spock said with honesty.

“I don’t think my reaction would be any worse than it is now. I managed to break the coffee table in the honeymoon suite.” Spock was sure he was serious.

“I will have it replaced,” Spock offered.

“You should. Because it's all your fault.”

"Do you need help packing?" Spock said, not knowing what else to say.

“Okay, coming for something to wear was just an excuse. I'm tired of exchanging emails with you. You know that it's possible to get writer’s cramp when using the PDDA to send multiple emails to the sexiest bastard on the planet?” Jim asked with a wink.

“I do not disagree with the first part however my parents were married at the time of my conce..." Spock was cut off by James’ lips descending upon his. Actually, he found himself being pushed onto the bed.

“Okay, now we're even.” Jim said as he pulled away. Spock just stared at him, motionless for a moment.

“You're not going to run away now?” Jim asked, breaking the silence.

“That was you, Jim.” Spock said in response.

“Okay, so I'm willing to concede that neither one of us is good at talking about our feelings. I'm here now and ready to talk.” Spock just nodded at that. “You know you need to meet me halfway,” Jim said with an exacerbated sigh.

“I would not be averse to more displays of physical affection,” Spock said after a moment.

“Of course, you wouldn't. No more kissing until ...I don't know what, but until something happens,” Jim said in exacerbation.

“I should have told you that I was attracted to you,” Spock said after a moment.

“Or at the very least you should have told me that contrary to what I thought, you weren't sleeping with the hottest girl on the ship anymore.” The annoyance in his voice was still very evident.

“I was afraid that you would run away from me, which you did do,” Spock added with a hint of irritation.

“Yes, but I came back. More importantly, I'm in this room trying to talk to you. I like you. I really like you. I may be kind of in love with you, but I will only admit to that under the influence of alcohol.”

“You are under the influence of alcohol,” Spock said with arms crossed.

“Only two beers, I have yet to hit the hard stuff. Just enough to make me brave enough to come up here under some very flimsy excuse,” Jim said, nervously playing with the bedspread.

“What do we do now?” Spock asked with uncertainty.

''Well, I would say that we go on a date, but I think we have been dating for the last four months. At least, that’s what your ex-girlfriend told me." Spock decided to respond to him by pressing his lips to James once more. He is starting to understand why humans prefer to kiss in this fashion.

“I like your idea better,” James mumbled between kisses.

Xxxx

As much as Spock would have liked to engage in various sexual activities with Jim, they were not ready for it. They still had too many issues to work through and Spock has promised himself that Jim would be 100% sober the first time they engaged in anything beyond kissing. However, Spock has just discovered the pleasure of an almost platonic sleepover, even if it involves copious amounts of kissing and groping beforehand. He enjoyed waking up with Jim sleeping upon him even if he had certain physical reactions that resulted in having a very difficult time urinating.

Spock got back into bed as quietly as he could so as not to wake up James, even if he grabbed his PADD before returning. He knew he would not fall back to sleep but he wanted to spend more time like this. He decided the best course was to check his email. There were several messages from Nyota asking him if he was okay. Later on there was a message asking him if he knew where Jim was since he did not return to their room. Her messages did not surprise him. However, the one dated 11/4 12:01 AM from James did. Spock was 100% certain that James was asleep beside him by that time.

XXX

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Subject: You’re still frustrating, but the making out helps.

Time sent: 11/4/2258 00:00:01

Dear Spock:

Just because I enjoy making out with you doesn't mean that I don’t think you’re still the most frustrating man on any planet. However, it's mostly because you don't want to have sex right now. Despite that, I sort of love you anyway.

PS: I also love your tongue and can’t wait to see what else it can do.

XXXX

If he were human, Spock would have laughed at the absurdity of receiving another one of Jim's special emails after he was certain that James corrected the problem. Unfortunately, uncontrolled laughter would be uncharacteristic. It would also wake up James.

“Please stop reading in bed. We're on vacation. No email can be that important. I want my Vulcan pillow back,” James said sleepily from his side.

In an effort to keep his earlier promise to James, solicited between heavy kissing, that he would not keep secrets, he decided it would be best to tell him about the e-mail.

“I disagree. I received a very important email from you at 12:01 AM. Apparently, the glitch that enables me to receive your personal emails is still there.” Jim’s response was to just laugh hysterically at him.

"That's because I didn't fix it." Spock was surprised.

“Why?”

“Because we suck at talking to each other. But we are pretty good with being honest in email. I already told you earlier today that I am too lazy to break in a new first officer. I need to do something. Besides secretly reading other peoples personal correspondence is a family tradition, at least according to your father.” Spock did nothing except to kiss him once again. “Can we have sex now?” Jim asked. “I’m pretty sure I am sober now.”

“Not yet, Jim.”

“But eventually?”

“Eventually.”

Xxx

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know some people will be disappointed with the lack of sex, even if it had to be 'fade to black' because of FF net. It just did not fit with the story, except in all those crazy dream sequences. The characters have too many issues to just jump into bed together. There will be an epilogue that will flash forward several months.  
> Also, if anybody wants to co-write the first time with me that will take place between now and the epilogue let me know.


	32. Epilogue: Maybe Friendship Wasn't What I Was Looking For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it everyone. I just want to say thank you to everyone who has read or reread this story. Thank you for the kudos. This was supposed to be a short story with just letters but it morphed into something completely different (as well as significantly longer) and I think better than what I planned in the beginning.  
> Finally, thank you to all the people who worked as betas on this story. All of you have made the story better.  
> This chapter takes place around seven months after the last one.

Jim couldn't help but let out his annoyance as he threw various dusty artifacts into various storage containers. One of the women, that he sees as a mother figure, was being transferred and he was angry as hell about it. He's pretty sure that the Morons That Be were only doing this to him because they found out that he is kind of, sort of married to his first officer in a very Vulcan way by accident. He thinks it's complete bull shit that certain members of the Admiralty (K) do not think that Dr. Suarez can assess their relationship properly. Like it's her fault that her dead wife was Jim's psychologist during his formative years. They were morons. Any person with a bit of common sense would know that transferring the ship psychologist a week before the one year anniversary of when most of the ship saw their classmates get blown to bits is a bad idea, especially because of a petty vendetta. Unfortunately, Jim's only outlet for his anger right now is various knickknacks.

"Did Spock and you have another fight?" Dr. Suarez asked as she carefully wrapped one of the statues that her wife gave her years ago. Jim actually remembered seeing those in their old house back in Riverside. He always remembered looking at the knickknacks, thinking that there was more to the universe than just Iowa. Maybe that was where he first got his craving for something beyond being a complete fuck up.

"I'm pretty sure that's what happened. That can be the only logical reason why you're taking your anger out on 2000-year-old artifacts from a planet that I can't even pronounce. That also explains why you're helping me pack when you can be utilizing your free time to pounce on your Vulcan. If I knew you were going to be this angry, I would have turned down your unusual offer to help me pack," the Doctor said, giving him a strange look. Actually she was giving him her "I am analyzing you right now" look. She stole it from her wife Alayna.

"Everything is fine with Spock. All our arguments this week have been of the foreplay variety. He got six hours of sleep last night and ate 3 well-balanced vegetarian entrées for a grand total of 1800 cal. More importantly, I manage to give him a hand job during a very boring conference call with The Idiots That Screw With Everyone this morning." Said conference was another attempt to keep Dr. Suarez on ship, but they said something about her being more needed on the colony right now. Apparently, a psychologist who is familiar with Vulcans is very needed now that most have relocated to the new colony. Besides the needs of his crew, the main reason why Jim is so upset that he's losing his second favorite psychologist is that she doesn't even blink when he mentions sexual activities during a conference call.

"You know, eventually, somebody is going to figure out what you guys do during those conference calls when only one of you shows up," the doctor quipped.

"I'm pretty sure Chris already knows. I got all these strange emails from him for a week before he made me tell everyone that Spock and I are kind of, sort of, Vulcan-married." That was one conversation Jim wants to repress. He got chewed out for a good two hours about being reckless and blatantly breaking several dozen Starfleet regulations, that thanks to Chris and his wife, no longer existed. The best part was when Chris reminded a certain idiot about the changes to the regulations. That's when he got yelled at for a good 30 minutes. Chris felt bad afterward because he wasn't expecting the reaction that he got. Chris thought that the whole thing was funny when Jim told his surrogate father everything in November, after he and Spock finely got together (after copious amounts of therapy and chocolate).

Actually, Chris was just glad that Jim had settled down. He was also happy that he won the Admiralty Pool. They were betting on what would happen between him and Spock. He won by default because he put down accidental marriage when pretty much everyone else went with murder or dismemberment. Really, no marriage can be more accidental then getting psychically married Vulcan style during a nervous breakdown.

Because the Admiralty are under the impression that he's actually married to Spock, due to being forced to tell the Idiots That Be what happened, they would now have to be subjected to regular evaluations of their relationship by the ship psychologist per regulation 179.2a, as amended. That's why his favorite doctor is getting reassigned, even if they will never admit to that. It wasn't fair because they weren't even really acting like they were married. They were still sort of dating and trying to really get to know each other. Dating was already a surreal experience for Jim. He wasn't ready to add the fact that he was really married. It was too hard to comprehend.

"Why do you have to antagonize — everyone? I think that most of the Admiralty would be a little bit more okay with your relationship with Spock if you didn't do this sort of thing," the doctor chastised.

What was left unsaid was 'if you didn't do stuff like this maybe they wouldn't be sending me away to the new colony and sticking you with some junior shrink that will be evaluating your marriage/relationship/whatever.

"I don't think that would actually work. They probably would be sending Mary Sunshine to take over anyway because they absolutely hate me. Besides, this way, I have a constructive release for my justifiable anger," Jim said as he threw something else in a box. This time it was fabric so it wouldn't damage the useless bric-a-brac. Of course, that was before he remembered that this was the shawl that the other Mrs. Suarez gave her just before her death.

"Okay, please do not refer to Stacy Cruz as Mary Sunshine, especially because Stacy is a guy." Jim just shrugged. It wouldn't be the first time he got confused with a name. Gender neutral names were a bit more common now.

"Did you even read his personnel file before you got really angry and formed a completely ridiculous opinion about the whole thing?" Dr. Suarez asked, glaring at him.

"I was kind of hoping to talk you out of leaving before then. That's why I'm here. I mean, in a week it's going to be the one-year anniversary of the Battle of Vulcan. Do you really think that is the time we should get a new psychologist fresh off the shuttle from the Academy? I mean, just because my Spock isn't suicidal and Nyota isn't haunted by the ghost of Marc anymore doesn't mean that the rest of the ship is mentally healthy." Jim can't believe how oblivious he was to everything that was going on until a very enlightening round of paintball, where Nyota told him everything after she shot him in the balls, literally. "We need you." Jim felt like he was pleading with her.

"You really do need to start reading the personnel file before you get all angry. Let's be honest, we both know that they asked me to go to the colony because they wanted someone supposedly more objective to do the evaluation stuff. However, even though I know I am needed on the Vulcan colony, I would not have accepted if I didn't think you would be in good hands with my successor. I personally chose Dr. Cruz." She was actually smirking at that moment.

"Was he one of your students?" Jim asked, knowing that she did some teaching after her first Starfleet retirement.

"No, but my wife did teach him in undergrad. Dr. Cruz has spent the last year at the academy working with students who lost loved ones or were personally affected by what happened. He even lost his own fiancé. She was the First Officer on one of the ships that was destroyed. I think he will do fine," she said honestly.

"Yes, but you already know how screwed up we all are. You know how much I hate starting over with a new doctor. I spent four months in complete denial about my feelings for my Spock because the thought of being in love scares the shit out of me and Nyota slept with a guy because she was afraid she was going to have to deal with another friend blowing his brains out. Do you really want to give this to another person?" He actually gave her the Jim Kirk signature puppy eyes. These puppy eyes can even melt Spock's heart.

"As you stated earlier, Nyota is no longer haunted by the ghost of her best friend. I think your Spock issues are mostly resolved. The two of you have been in a relatively stable relationship for the last six months. I don't count the month of November, because you were in my office most of the time working things out." Jim remembered exactly how much time he spent in Dr. Suarez's office in November. The best therapy session involved beating the hell out of each other with foam sticks. They definitely got a lot of aggression out. The worst was the day after they finally got together. God, there was a lot of screaming that day followed by copious amounts of kissing.

"I don't know if I would call what we have stable, although it's better than last November. We still fight all the time. Also we didn't even have sex until Valentine's Day. We got in an argument this morning because I threw my towel on the floor. He's so uptight about that sort of thing," Jim complained. The doctor just laughed.

"That's pretty much the definition of an old married couple. The fact that you guys didn't have sex until Valentine's Day proves how stable the relationship really is. Actually, the fact that you were sober and bottomed for him tells me this is a very stable relationship for you. Also, as your therapist, I feel it's my duty to tell you that all that arguing is foreplay. You essentially confessed to that yourself." If he wasn't in a bad mood he would tell the doctor that she was right, but he just didn't feel like it.

"That's not the point. You're leaving because of the Idiots That Be. We need you!" He practically yelled this time.

"It is not like I am abandoning you. I will still be available. That's what subspace conferencing is for. Also, Enterprise will be stationed on the colony for the next month. I'll be around for the anniversary." Personally, he doubted she would have time. They were starting to move the first permanent residents to the colony that were not support staff or government leaders.

"Okay, maybe I'm not worried about everyone else; I'm just worried about myself. I don't do relationships. I don't do love. I'm waiting for everything to just fall apart," James said in pure honesty.

"I think things fell apart before you two actually got a clue. Do you remember how much time you and Spock spent in my office during November? If you guys survived that, you can survive whatever happens next," she said in a supposedly reassuring tone. Jim was anything but reassured.

"I don't believe you. I'm going to screw this up. I don't even know what to do for our sort-of-anniversary. What's the protocol for when your sort-of-Vulcan wedding anniversary falls on the same day that your sort-of-husband's mother died and your planet was sucked into a black hole by a vengeance-seeking psycho from another dimension?" Jim asked with a hint of sarcasm.

"I think the protocol would be the same for any sort of wedding anniversary, especially when you're still in the sort-of-dating stage. Most of what you are throwing in that box were anniversary presents. I suggest you look at those things for ideas before your manhandling breaks all of them," the doctor responded and Jim just looked sad for a moment.

"Did I mention I've never really dated before? Help me out. You were married for years and I don't think you ever ended up sleeping on the couch," Jim joked.

"Everyone ends up sleeping on the couch eventually. That purple thing hanging on the wall was what got me out of the doghouse when I forgot her birthday. She liked flowers. Roses were her favorite and they were my default present when I did something stupid, like buy a 1000-credits pair of shoes without telling her."

"I don't think that's going to work with Spock. The last time I got him flowers he broke out in hives," Jim said with a frown, remembering Christmas. Really, how was he supposed to know that Spock was allergic to poinsettias? Poinsettias!

"You're probably right. I wouldn't take a chance with his allergies or yours. Besides, I think she only liked the flowers because they were a symbol of how I felt for her. How do you feel about Spock?" That was a complicated question to answer. He was actually surprised it had not come up during couples therapy.

"That depends on the time of the day. Let's see, when he pointed out my grammar mistakes in front of everyone this morning I was a little annoyed, but I got over it. Like it's such a big deal that I used a contraction. He uses them all the time during 'private' time. When he told a very annoying Admiral to go fuck himself in a very Vulcan way this morning, I think I fell in love with him a little bit more, if such a thing were possible " Jim was smart enough to leave out the 'as I had my hand around his dick' part. The doctor didn't need to know about the specifics. He despised talking to his doctor about his sex life in agonizing detail. Jokes were fine but anything else was too much. The post-Valentine's Day Q & A was enough to last a lifetime. The conversation about why he felt comfortable bottoming for Spock was scarring. He did not want to talk about that sort of thing with some stranger.

"When did you know that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with Alayna?" He asked, trying to change the subject.

"It was probably my second year of med school and I had just found out that my father had died in the same incident that took out your father."

Jim just nodded his head. He has known about this for a long time. It was one of the things that connected them. "I never really knew him because he ran away when he found out about my mom being pregnant with me. But it still hurt," the doctor said honestly.

Jim also never met his father, but it still hurts. Jim understood.

"No one knew what to say to me or how to act around me. The term 'walking on egg shells' really did apply to the entire situation. It was an absolute mess. Alayna was the only one who wasn't afraid. She came to my room with movies and lots of pizza. She stayed with me as I cried and threw things around the room. That's when I knew she was the one," the doctor said as she grabbed a picture of her and her wife from one of the shelves and placed it into a box.

"Sometimes it's hard to go on without her, but I wouldn't trade our time together for anything. Jim, you already know how you feel about Spock. Hell, you're already married," she pointed out.

"I personally believe that a marriage doesn't count if you don't remember it actually happening. That's why we have been dating the last six months," he explained.

"I don't call it dating when you essentially have been living in the same room since Christmas." Now he was starting to think it would be a good thing for her not to be here. She noticed too much. Jim was sure he could get by with a lot more stuff with the new doctor.

"I know that you are terrified. It is a perfectly normal reaction for the childhood you had. You never really got to see a completely functional marriage closely. It's going to be okay," she said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"I can email you whenever I need to?" He said, looking at her.

"Of course. You're also going to need this," she said, holding a small box out for him.

"What's that?"

"Even though it was probably unethical, Alayna left you something in her will. I wasn't supposed to give it to you until I was sure you were ready." Jim took the box from her only to find inside two Silver wedding bands.

"They belonged to Alayna's great-grandfather."

"Why are there two wedding bands for guys in the box?" It was the only question Jim could ask.

"I probably should have used the plural form of great-grandfathers. Also, how long was my wife your therapist?" Jim remembered a certain session when he was 12 and freaking out over thinking that his new very male neighbor was hot.

"Good point."

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spock could not sleep. It probably had something to do with the fact that one year ago on this very day his mother died and the planet of his childhood ceased to exist. He was unable to sleep despite the various sexual activities that occurred beforehand. Even the presence of James sleeping next to him did little to alleviate his restlessness. Normally, James was a calming influence, but under the circumstances nothing could calm his mind.

Instead, he was currently reading emails as James slept next to him. Of course, he was shocked that at exactly one second past midnight he received a very special email from James. James had never deleted the computer glitch that allowed him to see Jim's private emails. Of course, he rarely got them now. He now only received these messages after a particularly nasty argument, and they were usually followed by a very large box of chocolates or alcohol, depending on who was the wronged party.

 

With a subject line of 'happy anniversary' Spock doubted that this was that type of letter.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From:  KirkJT

To:  SpockX

Subject: Happy(?) Anniversary

Time sent: 5/3/2259 00:00:01

I'm sure you're not sleeping right now. I'm probably only sleeping because of the vast amount of sexual gymnastics that I am most definitely planning tonight. Who would believe that a year ago you were still a virgin. I need to give Ny another thank you spa package gift card just for your sexual education alone. You have seriously come a long way.

Although, more importantly, we're no longer at each other's throats (literally). It's been a long year. We have got through a lot of our issues. I had to get used to sex without being completely drunk and you had to get used to trusting someone enough to tell your secrets to. I think we're getting better. I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to have a hangover tonight and in the morning you will tell me that you're not sleeping because this is the day your mom died.

However, I do wish you would tell me exactly how you feel right now, but I'm not sure you will ever be able to. I know you're hurt and in pain, but just know that I'll do whatever you need me to, even if it means watching a Muppet movie and consuming vast amounts of chocolate chip cookies. I will be whatever you need right now. This is a hard time of year for everybody. We all lost friends and even family members. However, I think it's worse for you. You feel guilty even though you should not.

 

Just know that you'll always have me. Especially if you are willing to marry me...

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spock dropped his PADD. At first he believed his actions woke up Jim until he saw the vintage wedding bands he was holding.

"You were not actually sleeping?" Spock asked, already knowing the answer.

"Not really. This day is not sleep inducing for anybody, despite how good you are at exhausting me." Spock completely agreed with his boyfriend.

"How can I marry you if by Vulcan standards we are already married?"

"If you really considered us married you would have referred to me as your husband, not your boyfriend, which you do all the time. Besides, that is just by Vulcan standards. You're half human, that means you have to do it the human way too," Jim told him with a smirk.

"If it was anyone else, I would find it hard to believe that they would propose in a letter."

"Yes, but this is me. You know I am better at being sincere in writing. Can I please have an answer?" Instead of responding with words, Spock placed his lips on Jim's and proceeded to kiss him. He was so distracted that the PADD fell to the floor.

"Can I take that as a yes? Jim asked as they pulled apart.

"Of course, Jim," he said, before they celebrated with various activities of a sexual nature that he wishes not to discuss here.

The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is been a joy working on the story for the last two years (and rereading it for the repost.) I'm going to miss it. I don't think there'll be a full sequel to this. Maybe I will do a small follow-up down the road, we'll see. (Comment to keep the writer happy and writing.)

**Author's Note:**

> The next 10 chapters will tell the story via e-mails that were merely supposed to be Jim’s sort of journal entries and not meant for Spock to see. Unfortunately, even a computer genius can get screwed over by breathing on the microphone at the wrong time.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Cher Spock](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1408957) by [falyla](https://archiveofourown.org/users/falyla/pseuds/falyla)




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